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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two invitations. Which takes priority?

62 replies

wispywoo1 · 11/08/2016 14:46

A friend has organised a birthday party for her dad. She has a small family and he has few friends so she has invited all of her friends. She really wants everybody to go and is the type to take it personally if you don't go. Her dad is lovely and does deserve a good night. However I've also received an invitation to a hen do on the same evening. I'd much rather go to the hen do as that's for my friend whereas the party is my friends dad. I've already accepted and confirmed the part invitation before the hen do invitation arrived. WIBU to now decline the party invitations? WWYD in this situation?

OP posts:
AlmaMartyr · 11/08/2016 15:07

An invitation that you've already accepted takes priority.

Lilaclily · 11/08/2016 15:08

I think my friends are just more relaxed maybe

There's no way I'd miss a good friends hen night
Buto then hen nights are usually planned well in advance these days and are more than just a night out

hefzi · 11/08/2016 15:09

Blimey, I was taught the answer to this in my first year of primary school, OP - it's always the first invite you've accepted, no matter how much "better" the later one sounds...

VioletBam · 11/08/2016 15:11

If you've accepted and she was first, then there is nothing else to consider. Anything else is RUDE.

SerenDippitee · 11/08/2016 15:11

Presumably the birthday party will finish a lot earlier than the hen do. Are they in the same town? I would go to the birthday party until around 10 and then catch up with the hen party.

CoolioAndTheGang · 11/08/2016 15:12

I would go to the first invite since you have already said you were attending.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2016 15:12

Blimey... if my friend had invited me to her dads do and I had accepted then got the hen do invite.
If I spoke to her and told her, she would want me to go on the hen do.
She really would!
And she wouldn't take offence.
Maybe I also have nice laid back friends.

Haggisfish · 11/08/2016 15:13

Can't you do both as pp said? Go to friends dads party until about nine and then the hen?

Cosmo111 · 11/08/2016 15:13

I'm shocked out the amount of people who would suggest going to your friends dad birthday party who you've only been invited to as extra to increase numbers, not because your a valued member of his life.

Hen party's are normally one off events and this person who's celebrating this is a friend its a no brainier to me. The only other suggestion if the hen is local is pop into the party then leave a bit earlier and meet up with the rest of the hens.

ImYourMama · 11/08/2016 15:14

I disagree - a Hen do is a one off, a birthday isn't. Hen do takes priority

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

augustusdecimus · 11/08/2016 15:15

As always my advice is:

Talk to your friend/partner/relative instead of mumsnet!!

Costacoffeeplease · 11/08/2016 15:16

I'm shocked at how many rude and selfish people there are, who would dump a previously arranged engagement for a better offer Shock

Why is the hen party being arranged at such short notice?

davos · 11/08/2016 15:17

It's really rude and off to bin a party off because you have another offer.

Even small kids understand that.

Lilaclily · 11/08/2016 15:19

Would people answer the same if it's a wedding ? Does it really not matter what the event is , is it always the first invite?
Because if I was invited to a birthday party next month and then my dad suddenly announced he was getting married that day I know what I'd do .....

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/08/2016 15:23

Her friend will notice her absence though, and it's the friend who invited her

Is a close relative likely to suddenly announce a wedding with very little notice and zero consultation on dates?

myownprivateidaho · 11/08/2016 15:25

Yeah, it's rude to ditch for a better offer, but at the same time everyone knows that some parties/events are more important than others, and most people, if their friend explains that they've had a Very Important Invitation that clashes with a less important event they've agreed to with them, would not only be happy for the friend to go to the more important event but would be positively encouraging them to do so and mortified that they would feel obliged to keep to the original commitment.

Would everyone saying it would be rude to ask the friend if she can skip the dad's party be offended in this situation? "No, sorry, you can't go to your good mate's hen because you've said you'll come keep me company at my dad's birthday party." Really? What next? "No sorry, it would be awful of you to go to your best friend's wedding, because we've arranged to go to the cinema that day..."

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgingermunchkin · 11/08/2016 15:27

It is rude, but if you really want to go to the hen do instead, could you use the "omg, I've just realised I got my dates muddled and I've already accepted an invite to a hen party that night! I'm so sorry, my admin is shocking, I hope you understand?"

EverySongbirdSays · 11/08/2016 15:28

We've literally had another thread on here today about children being left in the lurch in favour of "better" offers which everyone has said is very cruel.

Surely just as cruel to a friend trying to do something nice for a Dad who doesn't have many "numbers" ?

I do get it, because the Hen Do is obviously more fun and perhaps even more of a priority, but you're already booked and I don't think your friend might take as kindly to it as some might think. It could cause a permanent wedge. No, a birthday for a mates Dad is not a draw, and so she might find A LOT of people drop out last minute in favour of bigger and better.

Be the friend that was there for her, not one of a group who let her down, and made her feel shit.

It would be different if you hadn't already accepted. In the old days of course you could have feigned illness on the day, not so much now with social media.

I get it in your shoes I'd rather go to the Hen, but sometimes "doing the right thing" takes precedence.

Shoxfordian · 11/08/2016 15:31

Another vote for the "do what you said you'd do first"

EverySongbirdSays · 11/08/2016 15:31

It also does seriously depend on the friendship.

Uni Friend of 5 years plus standing. Hen.

Colleague you don't really see out of work. Party.

PrivatePike · 11/08/2016 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilaclily · 11/08/2016 15:45

Agree Songbird