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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex-boyfriend using photos of me on swinging site.

36 replies

PlayNice · 10/08/2016 16:32

When I was 18, I dated a much older man (54) for 5 years. We broke up three years ago and I am now happily engaged.

The break-up was amicable, and although we don't often see each other, there weren't any hard feelings. That being said, we barely speak.

When we dated, we were both pretty active on the swinging scene, and he actively looked for additional partners. He had a profile on a popular swinging dating site, as did I, but I have since deleted it as I am now monogamous.

HOWEVER, last weekend, my friend mentioned that she'd seen his profile and he's still using (naked) photos of me on it. AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this? I feel more than a little creeped out that his profile makes it seem like we may still be together/involved, and that other young girls might be influenced by this. It seems a bit odd, especially seeing as we aren't really even friends anymore (his current partner is somewhat less than warm to me).

AIBU to ask him to take them down? It feels petty, because they've been up there for so long (clarification: DP knows and is fine with this). I don't want to create any drama, or get involved in a big argument over nothing - I was just so shocked to see them up there after all this time.

I don't resent his lifestyle, and he's perfectly welcome to do whatever he likes, but I feel like he should have taken them down after we broke up.

OP posts:

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/08/2016 16:38

Tell him to take the photos down. If he doesn't you can report him to the police. Sharing nude images of people without their consent is now very much illegal in England and Wales!

brambly · 10/08/2016 16:38

OF COURSE you're not being unreasonable, and if you ask that he removes them (as you should) then even if he were to hypothetically protest, he would absolutely know that he was being unreasonable.

You're no longer together, he has no right to infer otherwise online by using your image. He obviously feels he has something to gain from this inference which logically he may well do, but it's unfair on you, deceptive to others and yes, I'd say absolutely is creepy (and I'm veeeery laid back about sex, swinging and haven't ever been averse to a sexual partner 2 or 3 decades older than me)

Tell him to take them down and if he protests, insist that he justifies not removing them - he won't be able to.

brambly · 10/08/2016 16:38

And if he does kick up a stink then yes, call the fuzz.

Original poster

PlayNice · 10/08/2016 16:49

Really? I feel very unsure about it. The photos don't have my face in, so they're not identifying (unless you know me very well).

And some of them have other girls in, some of whom he still knows and sees (although most not, at this stage).

I don't want to seem like a bitter ex, it just makes me feel a little strange to see them up there, when those days are so firmly in the past.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 17:41

You did all this with a man of 54 when you were 18 ?

Christ

OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 17:41

If your friend can tell its you (presumably by birthmarks/scars/tattoos or something else identifying)
Yes you can go to the police

OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 17:42

Of course you can go anyway but I mean you definitely should consider it. Apologies for my above brain fart (too much )

LewisAndClark · 10/08/2016 17:44

Jesus what a creepy predator.

Yes, call the police. Ask for advice on the photos and also that this elderly man likes having sex with teenagers. You might have been technically an adult but not all his victims might be. And yes, you were a victim.

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaitlinktm · 10/08/2016 17:47

Is 54 really classed as elderly? Damn!

LewisAndClark · 10/08/2016 17:48

Well he's now 62 so yeah, elderly. And shagging teenagers.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/08/2016 17:48

I think he is probably the legal owner of the images

I don't think that holds anymore when it comes to someone else's naked image.

Arkhamasylum · 10/08/2016 17:50

It's your body. You're the only person who has any rights to it. If you don't want to appear on his profile, tell him to remove them or tell the site they are there without your permission (as a first step).

To be honest, I find it slightly alarming that you are thinking about his preferences here at all. If the swinging was a mutual thing, then that's completely your business. The whole thing is a bit alarm bell-ish though, particularly where you suggest he's using these pictures to 'lure' young girls.

Get them taken down, OP. There's a consent issue here which you shouldn't overlook.

zippey · 10/08/2016 17:59

If the pictures are non identifying then I think you should just forget about them. I doubt the police would be able to do anything and o doubt he's breaking any laws.

Queenbean · 10/08/2016 18:02

Well he's now 62 so yeah, elderly. And shagging teenagers.

Where does it say he is now shagging teenagers?

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/08/2016 18:05

It is definitely now illegal to post pictures of an intimate nature of someone without their consent. It came into being last year. The perpetrators can face two years in prison. And rightly so.

acasualobserver · 10/08/2016 18:05

Did you, at the time, consent to these photos being taken and published? Or did you believe they would always be private between you and your ex?

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/08/2016 18:09

In any event yanbu. I hope you can get the creepy bastard to see sense.

Original poster

PlayNice · 10/08/2016 18:11

Yeah, at the time, I was fine with them being published, which is why I don't think the police could do much.

I wouldn't feel right getting them involved anyway - it's not like it's a sex tape.

It's good to hear the general consensus is that he should take them down. I didn't want to come across as petty or like I was trying to be difficult for no reason.

OP posts:

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/08/2016 18:13

You are absolutely not being petty op, I feel pretty angry for you.

heknowsmysinsheseesmysoul · 10/08/2016 18:15

You should ask him to take them down and he should agree to.

I don't know enough about the legality/illegality of it if they are pictures you previously consented to share on - line, which you have done going on your posts. So the first step is to ask him and take it from there.

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquettaWoodville · 10/08/2016 18:17

Why are you worried about a polite request to an ex to remove these pictures? Do you think he'll be difficult about it? Because it really should be a straightforward question.

I am worried about how much respect you have for your own boundaries, given your style. Your opinions matter; when it comes to your own body, they are the only opinions that matter.

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