Neighbour with dementia

[Mummyto2bubs]

So... Don't want to be hated here, but just wondering AIBU? NDN has dementia. Wife has generally been lovely and always said to tell her if any problems. Well, we have had numerous problems, such as NDN trying to enter our house uninvited, standing in front of our car bonnet as we are trying to leave the drive, refusing to move, being very insistent that our children chat to him despite them being quite frightened of him (I have not encouraged them with this, they just find him a bit too pushy). On one occasion DH spoke to his wife to say we had had a problem with him leaning on our car as we were trying to drive out of our drive. Anyway, tonight DH came down the stairs from putting DC to bed to find him peering in and knocking constantly on our porch window (you can see right in through our house this way), so he went to speak to his wife, and said as politely as he could that this was not ok and was very invasive. She responded very aggressively and slammed the door on him. Now I get this bit, and understand her defensive reaction, but she is not one to back down and apologise. Are we BU to not be happy with this behaviour or should www just accept it as he has dementia? We both feel very guilty, but have had various things happen for at least 2 years, and find the lack of privacy really difficult, especially when it impacts our DC.

Just wanted to come on and say yanbu op. you have been very patient, so don't beat yourself up over it. The ndn has to accept that she needs more help. As others have said phone the non emergency number and speak to someone. I look after patients with dementia from time to time and it is a cruel disease.

I sympathise with you OP and I sympathise with the wife and her husband.

It is an unavoidable fact of life where people now grow old enough to develop dementia instead of dying younger. It is also an unavoidable part of life that people now believe that the 'authorities' should intervene so that their lives should not be touched by others and cannot conceive that misfortune might befall them.

The terror of dementia for the sufferer, and the despair, fear and exhaustion of a loving partner cannot be underestimated.

It is also a burden upon neighbours, but when he peers in your window, you can shut the curtains. When he talks to you on the street, you can nod your head and scurry on to your own happy life. If he's making a particular nuisance of himself, you can call the police.

IME your neighbour's behaviour won't last much longer. Dementia comes in distinct stages. It seems as if your neighbour has been in the 'wandering, annoying the neighbours and growling at children' stage for a while.

Soon the shutters will come down and he will enter the 'unable to remember how to bend his legs in order to sit down in his favourite chair and doubly incontinent' stage. Thankfully for you, they are generally silent at that point and sometimes can't remember how to eat or drink. Though when a 14st man falls on the floor, spare a thought for the 8st 70-something wife who is trying to pick him up.

This is the fate that happens to many of us if we are lucky enough to live long enough.

I've been on both sides of the fence so yeah, though I do feel a bit sorry for you, I feel more sorry for them.

"people now believe that the 'authorities' should intervene so that their lives should not be touched by others and cannot conceive that misfortune might befall them."

This is bollocks and not what is happening here at ALL.

Limited, you cannot possibly know how long this sort of behaviour will go on. People deteriorate at very different rates, and no two dementia sufferers are the same. My mother was in middle stages for many years and during her 8 years at her care home I saw so many other residents arrive, decline, and go, some very quickly, others more slowly. My mother showed the first signs at about 81 and died last year at 97.

This is bollocks and not what is happening here at ALL.

I disagree with you Dontyouopenthattrapdoor

Limited, you cannot possibly know how long this sort of behaviour will go on.

That's why I said it was IME GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

This is such a dreadful illness - heart-breaking - and more than any other it impacts on a wide range of people. Neighbours, colleagues, fellow church members, grandchildren, the police, the GPs and of course more than anyone the sufferer and those closest to them. Why, as a society, we seem to be doing so little to address the issue is beyond me.

My Mum has dementia . Her neighbours have been brilliant. This thread has reminded me to do something about my mother's bins as it is annoying her neighbour. Whilst I have so many things to deal with the bins are the least of my worries but thank you OP you have reminded me that these things do matter. I'll sort it out tomorrow.

The real problem is that the demented patient won't accept help and legally you can't make them - until they are so ill that they can be forced.

I do what I can but I am 90 minutes away and I have kids, job, problems etc. We have carers who are good but they cost, Mum won't pay because she "doesn't need" them. It is a familiar story.

My kids have suffered, my work has suffered, my financial position has suffered as I now buy a lot of the groceries and pay for jobs to be done. But I can't do this for much longer and I can't increase the number of days I go over. So what happens? The GP can't do it. The neighbours are brilliant but they can't do it. The police can't do it..... so what happens???? I have taken the responsibility so far but as a society we have to do more.

Chikara my heart goes out to you. Caring for a parent with dementia is a never ending but thankless task. Your own life has to be put on hold. Your children's young lives are put on hold. And all you get is trashed from the person you are caring for and trashed from neighbours and friends. You are doing the best you can. Always remember that. Nobody can run two houses and bring up a family at any one time. You have an impossible task ahead of you. It is time the Social Services stepped in and took some responsibility. From my experience they won't take responsibility as long as you are willing to take responsibility for your family member. The minute you step out Social Services have no other option than to step in. Its a hard step but for your own peace of mind you need to step out and allow Social Services to put support in. You can visit your mother as often as you want. But please allow carers to bear the brunt - They are paid for it. Your family need you. I know your mother needs you too. Having someone come in to support her needs will give you time with your family and take the onus of you as main carer. I wish I had stood my ground when my mum was alive. I feel my children have missed out on their childhood just because I took sole responsibility for my mum. I can honestly say it gets worse each week and before you know it your life will be taken over simply looking after your mum. It is hard but its true. Your children need you more. They only get one childhood. I totally appreciate that looking after a parent with dementia is the probably the hardest thing anyone will have to deal with in their lifetime. Please allow others to help you out

Purple spot on.

YANBU. One of our relatives has a neighbour convinced she has stolen his pet and knocks on her door late at night, it's really scaring her now.

I think we live too long now.

I think we live too long now.

Not everyone gets dementia Fluffycloudland77. It just seems that way from the headlines. The people who do, and those who love and care for them, need to be treated with understanding and realism.

Even the ones who don't get dementia are pretty miserable. A lot of my patients tell me they'd go today if they could and they pray for death every night.

I've been asked by several to kill them, they ask any HCP in a uniform the same thing. There's a look of pure desperation in their eyes.

I've been asked by several to kill them, they ask any HCP in a uniform the same thing. There's a look of pure desperation in their eyes.

I'm sure that's true fluffy. But it's not representative of all old people and I'd be horrified if people thought it was.

Lots of people are lonely and desperate. Many young people are too, but as you get older, the threat increases. The answer is to keep making friends and for others to befriend lonely people.

I guess the OP's neighbour feels pretty lonely sometimes.

It's when they've lost their Dh/dw. There comes a point when friends just don't cut it. There's a deep loneliness in people who have children and grandchildren that visit frequently.

Old age is awful.

Old age is awful.

I disagree. I find your negative attitude worrying, particularly since you work with old people. I'm not saying you should be panglossian, but old age doesn't have to be filled with unremitting gloom and death wishes.

Loneliness is what's awful, and that can happen at any age. It's more common among the elderly, but not exclusive. Having a family can be lovely but there is no guarantee that you will get on. In that circumstance friends do cut it.

I didn't have the negative attitude before working in care limited

PurpleTango - Thank you for understanding
Fluffycloudland77 - you will by the very nature of the role working in care be encountering the people who need most help so your view is very much based on your experience. I do know what you are saying though.

I tend to agree although I know many people n their 80's and even 90's who are active and happy. (My uncle and aunt - both around 80 - regularly travel abroad and up and down between Scotland and London. Uncle has an allotment, Aunt has a biggish house and large garden and is just back from a week away with her church. Is very active within the community and bright and sharp although in a lot of pain for much of the time.

However - the problem is when people cannot do that - when they are not active or happy and see their lives diminishing by the day - and we allow? this to go on for years! They are not happy - not at all. My Mum is starting to talk about "ending it" - resulting in her drugs having to be locked up and adminisitered by a carer. She is still just about happy but it is getting harder.

Fluffy makes some valid points.

Hi Mummyto2bubs , Can I recommend you have a look at Talking Point on the Alzheimers org website. I go there for advice on my FIL who has Behavioural Variant Dementia. You could ask on there and I'm sure you will find a lot of ideas on how to deal with your situation. Also, maybe think of talking to the Social Services? You could express concern on behalf of his wife but also the behaviour towards your family. Use word like 'Safeguarding issue' regarding his wandering. If he is being that disruptive and unaware of his behaviour when he is outside he is a danger to himself and this should be addressed. I can appreciate his wife needs a bit of down time but she can't just send him out of the house. As long as you make it clear this is a safety issue they will have to do something. There may also be a day centre in your area that he could go to to distract him in. I know how tough this behaviour is to deal with and I think you're being incredibly patient. xx