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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL

76 replies

MrsGsnow18 · 09/08/2016 12:22

Recently when no one was at home my MIL let herself into our house.

When she was in our house she took some of our washing. Ironed and folded lots of clothes and completely rearranged three rooms in our house.

AIBU to have had a total meltdown over this? I can maybe see where she thought she was being helpful and TBH if she thought I was struggling with washing I wouldn't have been that annoyed about her doing a load of towels or something.

But I didn't have lots of washing piled up ( just a few random odd bits at bottom of hamper) and my house was clean and tidy ( all of downstairs, main bathroom and bedroom tidy) just obviously not to her standard?!

I feel humiliated that she'll be telling the rest of her family that she had to do this and that I'm not a good enough house keeper.
I am also angry that she rooted through and moved my personal things ( underwear, toiletries etc.)

DH was annoyed too, I told him to say to his parents but he won't as he doesn't want to get into arguements. He did take our key back though when he was at their house yesterday ( though he didn't tell them)

What would you do? Say something to her? Usually we get on very well but DH and I are quite private and I really feel like she has crossed a line.

OP posts:
parisgellar · 09/08/2016 15:05

This happened to me. Come home from honeymoon and mil had rearranged the whole house. I told DH to put it all back or I was leaving. He had a very nice word with mil saying she's upset me and she sent a sorry through him. I should've stood up for myself more. As should you!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 15:06

She rearranged your house. If it was ust the tidying it'd be unacceptable but probably just take the key back, rant and move on.

But rearranging your house? That's so far beyond okay I cannot believe anyone would be cool with anyone - family or no - doing that.

Your DH needs to grow a spine. Tell him he can whimper and sulk about his mama, but if she says anything about the key you'll be honest. Who cares if you're 'the bad DIL?' Who cares what someone who would do something so unbelievably creepy thinks?

My MIL is a PITA, took her a long time to accept I'm Caucasian and she would 'tidy' when she was over. But even she would think your MIL is nuts

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 15:09

Also, she went through your pants! Is anyone okay with that? Because I'd lose my rag to the point MIL would go NC with me

MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting · 09/08/2016 15:34

We've had similar, we gave my dh parents a key for emergencies.

We were both at work, I was sent home from work ill, only when I arrived home there were two strangers stood in my house, my pil had 'helpfully' given a key to our home to some odd job men to do a quote for jobs which needed doing in our house, I think they were as shocked as me when I didn't know who the hell they were or what the fuck they were doing in my house.

My dh doesn't like confrontation with his parents and at the time I was quite intimidated by their very strong personalities so very little got said about it, but it set them up for walking all over me and I've since found it really difficult to assert myself with/to them. When I express a difference of opinion they think I'm being difficult on purpose.

I now have less contact, I find them very draining and negative so chose not to talk to them on the phone anymore but am perfectly polite and chatty on visits.

I wish I'd stood my ground earlier.

Creampastry · 09/08/2016 15:35

She went through your underwear drawer !!!! Wtf! Going I rob your house - wrong. Rearranging things - still wrong. Doing washing - handy but unasked so wrong. Going through undies- fuck right off.

Creampastry · 09/08/2016 15:35

Going in your house - not rib!!

PinkyPlumet · 09/08/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

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coconutpie · 09/08/2016 15:40

She rearranged your UNDERWEAR drawer? WTF. That is completely out of order and you need to tell her how unacceptable that was. Do not just ignore it!

TheLesser - you have a DH problem. You do not have to put up with this crap. It is YOUR home, not MILS, and your DH needs to start supporting his wife. I would go batshit in your situation.

myownprivateidaho · 09/08/2016 16:05

YANBU to ask her not to do this, but YABU to have a "meltdown" unless there's some major history. God how I'd love it if someone - anyone! - sneaked into my flat to do chores!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/08/2016 16:14

Wasn't there a funny (for us) thread on here where the mil kept doing this and the op planted things to drive the mil mad like emigration application forms for Australia, sex toys, letters filled with glitter, there were brilliant suggestions on it

Yanbu op, I'd go mad, my own parents came in while we were on honeymoon and cleaned and did washing, now I was grateful as we left in a hurry so after two weeks away I would have had mouldy cups and a mouldy wash I hadn't a chance to empty but it felt weird all the same

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 17:06

Pinky I searched, there's no FIL thread? Maybe you're confusing OP with a different poster.

*Cabbage I remember that thread! It was hilarious in a thank God that's not me kinda way haha

OptimisticSix · 09/08/2016 17:13

She's BU if you don't like it, so just ask her not to do it again :) I'd really really like it though, honesty I can barely keep up with the basics... shame we can't swap :)

Hrafnkel · 09/08/2016 17:20

Slightly different, but when I was at uni, shared with two girls. Their boyfriends got on like a house on fire, timed their weekend visits together so I felt like a complete spare part in my own house for the better part of the year. They were lovely but it did really upset me.

One of the girls was v disciplined and left her bf downstairs for periods of time while she studied. I went into the kitchen one day to find he had completely rearranged it all. 'Oh,' he said. 'Since everyone is right handed I thought I'd make it more ergonomic' twat

Everyone except me, I pointed out. When I came back into the kitchen half an hour later, he'd put it all back.

It wasn't my underwear and it wasn't my MIL but I felt made to be unimportant in my own home and for that feeling alone, even without the other issues, yanbu.

NeedAnotherGlass · 09/08/2016 17:32

I would go apoplectic if my MIL did this.
She has gone way past helpful and is well in the realms of interfering and intrusion.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2016 18:48

I guess I'm a bit of a coward and a Pollyanna. In this situation I probably wouldn't say anything and I'd assume she did it thinking she was doing us a favour. I'd let the removal of the key speak for itself and rest in the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to do it again.

If she asks for another one (I assume she'll think she lost it) I'd refer her to my DH.

ollieplimsoles · 09/08/2016 19:00

Don't let this slip, removing the key is not enough of a message.

My mil asked me and dh when we were going to have children in front of the whole family at a meal a few years ago, when we laughed it off, one family member said we might be already and mil said 'oh no she still has those pills in her bedside drawer' like it was the most casual, normal thing ever.

When I was pregnant she opened my mail with my scan letter appointment in it because she 'saw it was from the hospital and thought it might be an emergency' she then told the receptionist on the day of the scan that we had said it was ok for her to be there and was waiting for us when we turned up for it.

Stop her snooping around your home, now.

Cocolepew · 09/08/2016 19:34

My MIL did this while me and DH was on honeymoon. She had rearranged every single room and cupboard. How the hell she moved our double bed still baffles me. She also melted a lot of rare and expensive records I collected.
We both went mad, DH phoned her and she laughed it off . So we went to her house. She opened the door hiding behind FIL and laughing tried to give me a kiss. I moved away and she said "oh are you cross" in a stupid baby voice. Then I let her have it with both barrels.
Oh and she also went through our paperwork . I owned the flat and we hadn't put DHs name on it yet. So she through everything out because his name wasn't on it.

PinkyPlumet · 09/08/2016 19:38

special I meant the thread starting by another user about their FIL letting himself into the house.

Cocolepew · 09/08/2016 19:39

Threw Blush

Original poster
MrsGsnow18 · 09/08/2016 19:52

Wow I'm starting to think other people have had a lot worse especially ollieplimsoles

I had read the other thread about the FIL, my understanding of that was that he was more trying to take claim of some kind of ownership of their house?
TBH I have no problem with her calling round unannounced or even if she were to open the door with her key, it was just the private things.

I do feel a lot calmer, calm enough I think to say thanks for the help but I'd rather do that sort of thing myself.

OP posts:
Nannawifeofbaldr · 09/08/2016 20:05

I have found that you can say anything g you like if you say it with a smile on your face and a firm but bright tone:

"I noticed that you let yourself into the house on x day and rearranged things. Please don't do thing again - we don't like it." Big smile, head tilt.

You don't need to have an argument. Just calmly and politely state your position.

She wouldn't to this to another adult whose key she was entrusted with.

augustwashout · 09/08/2016 20:56

nanna your right.

do it op, be smiley and bright but iron fist.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/08/2016 21:57

glad you feel calmer. I do think that just saying something along the lines of Rosalie's post is best

'dear MIL, while I appreciate you tried to help, I'm quite a private person and really prefer to do my laundry and decorating myself'

No need to get stronger than that unless she ignores what you ask.

ToffeeForEveryone · 09/08/2016 22:15

She rearranged your underwear drawer!! WTAF!?!?!?!

That's ... there isn't a word batshit enough for how over the line weirdo that is. It's practically horror movie stalkerish. She rifled through and refolded her son's wife's knickers?!! What on earth would motivate someone to do that!

DamaskRose · 09/08/2016 22:21

Does anyone remember a MIL thread where she painted their living room when they were on holiday as she didn't like their colour scheme?! I haven't seen it but it gets mentioned.

Can't believe some of these - outrageous