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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL

76 replies

MrsGsnow18 · 09/08/2016 12:22

Recently when no one was at home my MIL let herself into our house.

When she was in our house she took some of our washing. Ironed and folded lots of clothes and completely rearranged three rooms in our house.

AIBU to have had a total meltdown over this? I can maybe see where she thought she was being helpful and TBH if she thought I was struggling with washing I wouldn't have been that annoyed about her doing a load of towels or something.

But I didn't have lots of washing piled up ( just a few random odd bits at bottom of hamper) and my house was clean and tidy ( all of downstairs, main bathroom and bedroom tidy) just obviously not to her standard?!

I feel humiliated that she'll be telling the rest of her family that she had to do this and that I'm not a good enough house keeper.
I am also angry that she rooted through and moved my personal things ( underwear, toiletries etc.)

DH was annoyed too, I told him to say to his parents but he won't as he doesn't want to get into arguements. He did take our key back though when he was at their house yesterday ( though he didn't tell them)

What would you do? Say something to her? Usually we get on very well but DH and I are quite private and I really feel like she has crossed a line.

OP posts:
SuperBoppy · 09/08/2016 13:25

My MIL looks after DD once every couple of weeks on a Friday, I think it's a fucking liberty when I come home and she's drawn one of my blinds! YANBU!

JudyCoolibar · 09/08/2016 13:26

I don't think anyone has said they'd be grateful, have they?

PipnJo · 09/08/2016 13:28

My MIL stayed with us when i was going in to hospital to be induced with DS1. She tidied up the living room/dining room/kitchen - which is fine, i was appreciative of the help.
I got home from the hospital and noticed that she had been in our bedroom and sorted out our drawers and wardrobes etc, that totally crossed a line for me (particularly in my post natal state) . Thankfully DH also saw why this wasn't on, and spoke to her.
She occasionally comes to stay and she does enjoy cleaning/tidying but doesn't enter our bedroom .
All is fine with us. She just thought she was being helpful and was actually quite upset that she'd upset me.

bramblesandblackberries · 09/08/2016 13:29

A couple of people have indicated its not a big deal / they would be grateful, yes.

Shizzlestix · 09/08/2016 13:32

Did she move the furniture? That would be a step too far, although letting herself into my house when there wasn't a huge emergency would have already been the huge over the line thing for me.

bigfriendlygiant · 09/08/2016 13:37

This happened to me 10 years ago (she even rearranged my underwear drawer) and I brushed it under the carpet and told myself she was trying to be helpful etc...

NO NO NO!! It's controlling and get progressively worse if you don't set the boundaries now.

Original poster
MrsGsnow18 · 09/08/2016 13:38

Thank you for replies and advice.
I feel a little bit better knowing that others think this is unacceptable too.
I do understand that she may have thought she was helping which is why when we got on so well before that I don't want to come across as being unreasonable.

I guess I just wanted to vent a little. I don't want to keep mentioning it to DH because I think he thinks I'm overreacting. ( but it is his mother and it was mostly my things that she rearranged, like where my toiletries, underwear etc is kept)

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 09/08/2016 13:38

You've said you don't want to cause an argument, but you are already having an argument with her surely? She's come into your home uninvited and behaved appallingly - she is already well into the dispute with you that she's created.

slug · 09/08/2016 13:41

Do you have the key to hers? Go in and rearrange a few of her rooms then sympathise with her when she complains.

averylongtimeago · 09/08/2016 13:42

If you normally get on with MiL, and normally she's ok, then remember she's going to be part of your life for a long time.
However, much as I loved both my MiL and my DM, rearranging underwear and rummaging in bedrooms is absolutely not on.
You need to let her know this without, hopefully, starting WW 3.
If your DH has taken the key back it shows he is as shocked as you, so I would say, when you next see her, thanks for doing the washing, it was a kind thought but there was no need to go through or sort out our bedroom it's private. Say that both you and DH felt uncomfortable with it. Don't do this by text or email, face to face is best. With a smile, preferably with witnesses, make sure you maintain the moral high ground.

Mummaaaaaah · 09/08/2016 13:43

i think this totally depends on intention. you seem to have assumed the worst and if that is for a good reason / based on past experience with MIL then fine. She crossed the line. But could she not have popped in for something else, seen a bit of a mess and thought she'd help you out with a tidy? Overstepping... yes. out and out control freak bitch ... maybe not.

taking the key without being upfront as to why will achieve nothing. talk to her!!

mydietstartsmonday · 09/08/2016 13:44

MIL's just wanna to feel needed, loved & wanted LOL
Re-arranging 3 rooms - umm a bit naughty!

I remember I was on holiday (in my single days) and my mother & father came round (they lived 100 miles away) re-arranged my furniture and moved a very delicate clock and damaged it.
I was not best pleased to say the least.

Let it go & move on, you have the keys back.

bramblesandblackberries · 09/08/2016 13:47

No, it doesn't depend on intention.

This is one of those where it doesn't matter how kind they 'meant' to be or how well received it was by those reciprocating the actions, it crosses a line, and for the sake of everyone's sanity, that line has to be drawn.

I'm not precious about my underwear: I dropped some in a street in France once (was going to s laundrette!) and was stopped by an elderly Frenchman shouting in a distressed tone, 'Mademoiselle!' Mildly embarrassing but mostly funny.

It's not the actual knickers and bras. Mil is one person, OP is another. She is not an extension of MIL and should not be treated as such.

CodyKing · 09/08/2016 13:48

Can you text her and ask where she put your dildo?

Glamorousglitter · 09/08/2016 13:54

My Mum did this, she was staying to help out minding kids, took it upon herself to rearrange my kitchen cupboards, cleaned on top of them too and put newspaper down (I hate that) moved stuff. Couldn't understand why I wasn't eternally grateful, and went home telling everyone how EXHAUSTED she was, not to mention where were the kids she was supposed to be keeping an eye on while she did this. Caused ructions till my sister told her she was out of line. I m pretty low contact with her mostly these days.

ChunkyHare · 09/08/2016 14:20

I would feel violated if someone, even my own Mother did this.

My Mum regularly arrived at my house whilst I was doing the school run, she would let herself in with my consent, make a coffee and then start ironing but she didn't have to going poking around. The ironing board and ironing basket were in the utility.

She would never have washed my dirty laundry or arranged rooms to her liking.

I don't think I would thank anyone for doing what your MIL did. I would say it was not needed and crossed a lot of lines. The fact that you think she will be judging you on your housekeeping means she was judging you on your underwear too.

My PIL kept trying to treat Dh and I like children until I politely pointed out that by my age (27 at the time) they were married with 2 children. It did bring them up short.

GipsyDanger · 09/08/2016 14:23

No cody you ask where your strap on is Grin

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2016 14:31

I have a cleaner, who is great. She rearranged my sitting room. Before I got home my DH put it all back, told me, then calmed me down before I talked to her. It's her job to clean, and she was trying to help - but if it had been my MIL I'd have been even more livid.

augustwashout · 09/08/2016 14:33

I have had this op, and in a very traumatic time of my life I came home to everything re arranged and couldn't find anything it was fucking hideous.

At the time it was said Mil still views DH as child and me by proxy, no boundaries, and also Mil views herself as a sort of saviour to her so called useless childlike dh therefore giving herself a role....and relevance.

Its a shame if you all get on well someone, you or your dh cant just say in a nice way..." look I know your heart is in the right place, but you cant come into my home and re arrange stuff. I know you think your helping, and it was a kind gesture on your behalf, but please dont do it again, I am an adult, and I want privacy and even more so - so does my DW"

You see, I can imagine my DM doing something like this - not furniture but washing thinking she was helping. Mil however did it because she thisnk I am useless and dh is too. so not from a nice place at all.

pigsDOfly · 09/08/2016 14:41

It isn't about wanting to be helpful imo, or come to that, about wanting to be needed.

It's about respect, or lack of it, thinking that as the 'mother' figure you know best. It's about not wanting to acknowledge that your children are no longer children who need you to bring order to their lives but are adults who can manage nicely thank you without you clearing up their toys.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/08/2016 14:42

You have a DH problem. Tell him he can tell her off himself for messing with your underwear or you will do it and you will do more strongly than he would. Make sure his easiest life comes from him telling her off himself.

Unfortunately it looks like you have to have harsh words with both of them. It's you that is being trampled on.

TuppencePenny · 09/08/2016 14:43

Are you me? I've been struggling with this for years.

TheLesserOfTwoWeevils · 09/08/2016 14:48

My MIL does this regularly. I am a very private person and can't bear the thought of people going into my bedroom, particularly when I'm not there. I hate even more the idea of someone else washing my undies! I've spoken to DH about it and got told she's just being helpful and it really hurts her feelings that I don't want her doing it. So basically I just have to shut up and put up with it because it seems my feelings on the matter don't count Sad.

The worst one was when I came home from hospital after giving birth to DS1. 3am, I was exhausted, went to get a clean baby grow out of the drawers I'd put all his clothes away in while I was nesting only to find that she'd completely rearranged the entire nursery and I couldn't find a bloody thing. I completely lost it, but I was just told I should be grateful for the 'help'Angry. The fridge/freezer full of shopping I was grateful for, and the freshly cleaned bathroom and kitchen, but coming into my space and rearranging everything I'd carefully prepared for my pfb? Not cool.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 09/08/2016 14:55

I would loudly stomp up to her bedroom and start rooting through her drawers then when she comes up to ask what youre doing i would reply " oh i thought it would be ok considering you did this in MY HOME ,do you not like people going through your things , neither do i ! " but thats just me im private and to me that is totally rude so would put a stop to it straight away

JudyCoolibar · 09/08/2016 15:03

Lesser, if I were you I'd get locks put on the room doors to keep your MIL out. And I'd tell my DH that my feelings about what happens with my own and my child's belongings matter a hell of a lot more than his mother's feelings.