To stay away from MIL from now on?

[PinkCollarCat]

Sorry if this long, I need to give all the background.

DH and I have been married since April, have a 13month old DD together. We've been together 4 years, and lived together for nearly 18months. DD wasn't planned, but we're happy and love being a family.

MIL was lovely until DD was born. She would often invite me over for meals when DH lived there, and then when he moved in with me she'd often text us asking us over. They helped us furnish our flat and seemed genuinely happy for us as a couple.

Then DD was born, and she started refusing to come visit our flat as apparently it was "dirty" after she visited once after the birth - DH was working 6 days a week with no paternity leave, DD was a few weeks old and I was struggling to breastfeed after having a episiotomy which resulted in me losing 4 pints of blood and having a transfusion as well as 16 stitches (10 external, 6 internal), I was on iron tablets, and antibiotics to stop me getting an infection and had only come out of hospital the day before after spending 10 days in as DD also developed a chest infection and had jaundice, so I've no idea why she expected me to have done the washing up or the laundry to be caught up on.

Things just got worse from there. I have no doubt she loves DD, and I'm not sure if she's just overly fussy or I've upset her but since then we've all (DH included) had a tricky relationship. MIL insisted I visited them once a fortnight on the Friday off work, DH was always working so I'd have to make my own way over with baby DD, and as I don't drive this meant an hour round trip. I always did it because I wanted to keep the peace.

At 6 weeks old DD was diagnosed with hip dysplasia (aka Clicky Hip) and was placed in a special brace for 12 weeks. I had to stop using the newborn section of the travel system as it was hindering her recovery. I put her in the next stage bit but she didn't like it and just cried. I thought she was too tiny for a stroller so instead switched to using a soft carrier which was recommended by the Orthopedic Nurses doing the weekly physio and bath on my DD.

Surprisingly as I'm quite short, both DD and I loved the carrier. And it was a godsend when she started teething and became clingy. However, MIL hated it and made her feelings on it clear. She moaned that the carrier was unsafe, DD apparently hating it (despite her smiling and babbling away when she was in) and that she thought it was neigh on child abuse to keep using it, she never said these things to me or DH but FIL would repeat them too us or she'd ring my mum concerned and my mum would tell me - my mum loved seeing her gd happy and just wanted her to get better so wasn't bothered with us using the carrier.

After the brace came off DD I continued to use the carrier, but also used the pushchair just as frequently, which DD was now happy to be in again. If we saw MIL she'd talk to me/DH/DD if we were using the pushchair, but completely ignore us if we were using the carrier - DH liked wearing it as much as me.

When we announced the date for our wedding in September, MIL just sighed and said "you don't have much time to plan it do you?" no congratulations, no asking about our plans, just a sigh. I was pretty put out.

At Christmas we planned to spend the day together as a family, just the 3 of us. The plan was to go to PILs on Christmas Eve and then to my mums from Boxing Day for a few days (she lives an hour away by train). But when DH told MIL the plan she threw a strop and told us we were ruining her Christmas - she has a party with all of her side of the family at her house (her 5 siblings, who have 18 children between them, plus her parents and grandparents, and SIL and her partner) which I thought would be too much for DD. DH didn't want to cause an argument at Christmas so we ended up going (DH drives). MIL even demanded that I express some milk rather than breastfeeding so I could in her words "have a break" (I have always known she's not a supporter of breastfeeding - she told me she wanted to me to give the baby formula several times while I was pregnant).

We turned up with DD in her carseat asleep, and MIL woke her up, got her out and we didn't get a look in for the rest of the afternoon, not even for feeding - we suspect MIL gave her formula at least once as I'd only expressed enough off for one feed as we only intended to stay an hour, but stayed all afternoon as we couldn't get DD back off various relatives who'd remove her from the room or be taking pictures when we went to get her.

I stopped the fortnightly visits after that. DH told MIL they were stopping as I was going back to work 3 days a week and wanted to get DD used to her childminder before I did (DD actually took to the CM straight away and was happy to be left from the start but MIL didn't need to know that). MIL was happy I was back at work, and started going on about DH and I getting a house closer to hers even though she knew that all our money was going on the wedding after the bills were paid and then on a family holiday after the wedding.

On the day we got married, MIL turned up late. FIL couldn't drive at the time, and I'd said we didn't have the room for GFILs parents - So DHs great grandparents who he's met once in his life, never receives christmas or birthday presents from and probably have no idea who he is as they have 9 living children, who all have at least 3 children each and god knows how many great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. And they were the only ones who could apparently drive her and FIL to the service, despite us inviting all 5 of MILs siblings, their spouses/partners, all DHs cousins on that side, both of FILs sisters and their husbands, all 6 of DHs cousins on FILs side plus his cousins 2 step children, all 6 of DHs grandparents (FILs parents both remarried before DH was born and he calls the step GPs granny/grandad) as well as SIL and her partner most of whom could drive and us getting married in their home town which would have been a 20minute walk or 10minute taxi journey. So she turned up late by 10 minutes and nearly missed the ceremony - had the couple before us not overrun she would have missed it. She claimed she didn't know that GFILs parents weren't picking her up.

Then at the reception she refused to pose for photos, took DD off my relatives several times and passed her to her relatives, constantly asked where my dad was even though she knows that my dad walked out on my mum when my DB and I were teenagers and we've never had contact since with him or his family (I told her this when DH and I got together), Asked my brother twice if he and I were twins (we are, but again she knew this) and complained loudly that it was unfair that we hadn't invited GFILs parents.

Since we've been married she moans about DDs clothes; she doesn't like the dress we've dressed her, she doesn't like jeans on such young children etc. She also takes off any cardigans/socks knitted by my family when we go round.

But the final straw was when I bought a new carrier. I wanted to carry DD on my back and she was getting close to the weight limit for the front carrier so I treated myself to a new soft back carrier. I took DD out in it the day it arrived, and we both loved it, so now I rarely use the pushchair. MIL told me she doesn't want to see me using the carrier, and she's going to ring my HV as she thinks it's damaging to DD for her to be in the carrier - to add my HV is lovely, and I've taken DD to the weighing clinic in the carrier and my HV and her colleagues all thought it was brilliant and DD was very happy in it, they recommend them for this age group anyway as they go through separation anxiety and being close by can be helpful for them.

MIL never speaks to DH unless he contacts her, it's always me. Whenever he asks what I've done to upset her she denies there's a problem.

AIBU to tell DH I don't want anything to do with MIL until she tells me what I've done to upset her or stops acting to childish?

I'm with the majority. She's a narc, as if she's using your mum and her husband as her flying monkeys - to pass on her 'messages'. So dramatic, but that's what narcs do; they're so insecure that somehow by getting others to pass on their woes, they feel their feelings are validated. It amazes me that her husband and your mum are telling you her complaints, what are their thoughts on her behaviour? The formula incident would have sent me over the edge, I would have completely lost it in front of everyone and stormed out. You sound like you have the patience of a saint and you're a wonderful mum! Remember that, our daughters learn to be grown up women by how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us. By not allowing this woman to poison your family anymore, you're protecting your daughter.

Sorry for delayed responses DD is teething so had to deal with her.

My mum hates her, particualry as she was asking about my dad at the wedding which is a sensitive topic to my mum (no rhyme or reason to him leaving, he seemed happy etc just went to work one day and never came home. My mum got a letter from a solicitor a year later asking for a divorce). FILs a very quiet man who seems to do as his wife tells him, I do wonder what he thinks.

Have posted about her before under different aliases yes.

DH says she's like this with all babies in her family. She likes to take on the mothers role apparently (she's the oldest of 6), no-one usually questions it.

I will go low contact, and stand up for myself more. I might just tell her of she asks to see DD that it needs to be arranged through her son.

Not breastfeeding anymore (nothing to do with the incident at Christmas) but will continue to use the carrier as we both love it. We do have a pushchair for occasional use and for the CM but prefer the carrier personally.

Has the advice given on this thread been different from the advice you were given when you posted before? Have you tried anything in the meantime that has worked well/not worked?

This sounds awful, I struggle to understand how it's gone on so long. If you are breastfeeding how someone can 'make you' express and then you don't know whether they were fed formula or not without you knowing? Also, someone taking clothes off your child. I just can't imagine a scenario where this could happen, so I think you have shown the patience of a saint as I would have lost it. I am really patient too btw and I did put up with a lot from mil in the same way so i don't mean any of that as a criticism at all. You have given her plenty of chances. Forward all texts etc to your husband to deal with and talk to your hv and mum and then reduce contact as soon as possible if you don't feel you can cut off completely. I've had to block my mil on email and my husband had already blocked her number on my phone before I knew as he knew she was upsetting me so much. I totally understand how it gets to this stage but you need to stop it now. I feel so bad for you. I hope you can get some peace after this.

OP you come across as quite young and I think your MIL is bullying you - when she asks anything say 'you'll think about it' never give an answer straight away - it gives you time to think about what you want to do.

I can't understand the HV thing -surely a HV is confidential and she couldn't possibly speak about you to MIL on any level - i.e. The carrier?

You also need to decide in advance re Christmas and don't give in - either one year at home one at moms one at home one MIL and stick to it - it's your life and your decision.

Christmas isn't just one day any more plenty of people live away and visit around Christmas time.

You'll only end up resenting them more of you fall in line every time

Codyking I don't think age has anything to do with it. I was in my 30's and MIL tried similar things. The fact that she has tried to take on mothers role before (probably her siblings kids) means she thinks she can get away with what ever she wants.
The HV thing is "you aren't listening to me, so I'll threaten get somebody in authority to talk to you". She is unlikely to pick up the phone to HV.

There again at my wedding I wanted a round top table, less formal than a long one, MIL got FIL to call the hotel and try to talk me out of it. The hotel told me so I knew what I was marrying into!!!!

Another good delaying comment is "I'll let you know....."

You spent last Christmas with MIL and family and it was a disaster. Your turn this Christmas to have it where you want. MIL loves a big gathering at her home because it means she is the hostess in charge and in control. She gets all the compliments. She cannot bear anyone doing something that she cannot control. I'm sure that she will dispute the HV's and HCP's opinions as being right, even if they are the best for your DD, as she alone is the expert on everything.

You should absolutely disengage and refuse to do things on her terms. It is your right as a married couple and as parents to make your own decisions and ultimately it will be her loss if she can't accept that. I just knew you would say that FIL is very quiet and does as he's told, anything for a quiet life. I imagine she rants and cries hysterically when things don't go her way, very manipulative.

YABU! For not kicking her ass MONTHS AGO!

Hello OP,
Massive sympathies for what you are going through. I can emphasise as I have a batshit bonkers, control-freak, sulk for England, bitchy backstabbing MIL too.

My "crime" was not allowing her to run my life the way her other son's wives do and actually have opinions of my own.

Anyhow, enough about all that. There ishould only one cure for this toxic cow. The snip. Cut her out of your life. Block her on your phone and email. Don't have anything to do with her BS. I have now spent 2 years (out of 15) free from the old sow I was straddled to. I no longer have to deal with all of the bullying, manipulative, bitchy things my MIL does.

She sounds very difficult OP, I sympathise. I tried to be reasonable with someone who was not for about two years before I had to stop for the sake of my mental health. It started off as subtle manipulation by them but escalated. I had kept trying because they were family and I felt like I had to, but when it came to the point where I was so depressed I was considering medication, I knew I had to do something. I cut contract, it kicked off, I felt crap for a while, and then I felt like a weight had been lifted and have never looked back. That was over 3 years ago and was my own dad! I know both situations are not the same, but what I'm trying to say is you can't reason with unreasonable people. Good luck OP.

Surely data protection would stop your hv having a conversation with her about your dd??? Change your number. Tell dh to do the same!!

I'd say with age you become more confident - don't take on others batshit ideas and have confidence in yourself and your own decisions

I'd doubt MIL would be different if OP was 18 or 40 - but your reaction would be so different -

It takes a lot of self worth to combat a bully.

It's difficult when a new mom is tired and stressed are worn out with a new baby - easy targets for bullying in laws!!

You need to tell your husband to stop being a mummys boy and start acting like your husband. I think I have read your previous thread about changing clothes and making a nursery is crazy. Now she wants to replace you. If your husband can't talk to his own mother then I would be as vague and distant as possible. Give yes or no answers and make replys very short. She will get frustrated but just stick to the script and make sure you have an excuse for everything and remain your sweet self while she is exploding.

Read according to yes by Dawn French it will make you giggle. I do agree with CodyKing I weren't as balsy in my 20's now I'm 32 I don't put up with it. Op you need to find your inner strenghth and break it off slowly. Don't ignore her but talk to her in your time when you are ready if she knocks the door and your dh isn't home ignore the door. She will get fed up eventualy because she don't have an audience anymore.

wow.

I have read and experienced my own mil issues but WOW.

Op I am so glad you have decided to stop this insane behaviour.

Can I just ask though, why your own DM didn't tell MIL the FACTS when she called her worried about the carrier? Why didn't your DM say " health professionals have sanctioned the use of the carrier due to dd hip issue" ??

I mean - not that you or she should have too, but it carries more weight doesnt it than your own dm opinion.

Everything sounds awful, the flat comment, the demanding to be seen every friday down to the fact she asked you to express and it seems...to my astonishment....you actually did express on her wishes!

YOU and your DH have enabled and allowed her to boss you around to the ninth degree. You are both in control of your own lives but you have allowed her to infiltrate

Of course stop it, its utter madness. Do you own thing and leave her out until she understands she cannot treat you in this wya.

Tell her to shut the fuck up about the fucking carrier and if you ever hear the word carrier pass her lips you will smack her in them I am not a violent person but jesus . I really hope this isnt the op who had the door slammed in her face whilst mil held onto baby>?????

She sounds awful and I would go NC with her if I were you. Reporting you to the HV? Who the fuck does she think she is?

Life is too short to waste on tedious drama llamas like MIL and actually they can do real damage.

Keep your distance, don't contact her, don't see her. DH is free to have whatever relationship with her he wants but I imagine she will either cut you all off in a huff if she can't control things, or will have such a meltdown that she emotionally blackmails DH ( via third party relatives if necessary) into doing as she thinks fit.

Or she will get suddenly and mysteriously ill and it will be all your fault

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Sunshine My MIL hasn't created a nursery at her house for DD, mainly I think because DH told her when I was pregnant that DD wouldn't be staying overnight with anyone before we were ready for it.

August Not the OP who had the door slammed in her face thankfully.

I'm 25 for anyone who's interested, so yes probably young. I spoke to my HV earlier today and she said that she cannot discuss DD with anyone other than me or DH, but would tell MIL that she is happy for me to continue using the carrier (I said she could say this) if she rings her.

My mum told MIL she'd discuss it with me, more because she was shocked by her attitude and complete disregard for mine and DHs parenting. If she rings again, my mum will tell her where to go or get my brother to answer her phone and say it

Yikes, she sounds like a mare! Do we somehow have the same MIL??? I can echo lots of these sentiments.

I agree with other posters; the balance of power shifts when you have a baby. Some (lesser) MILs suddenly go a bit mental because they're not the centre of their son's family life any more. They feel they have an entitlement to your child but don't know how to build a useful/healthy/positive relationship with you because they feel ousted, so they become passive aggressive. The change when bubs is born is remarkable.

I would just step back and stop seeing this relationship as your concern. Do what you need to for your child to have some kind of relationship with their grandparent, and nothing more. It's not your responsibility.

I get that it still makes you feel shitty though, and I'm still grappling with how to handle that myself to be honest. Hugs to you.

If DH is already almost no contact as contact is facilitated through you - surely it's a sign that you can be low or NC quite easily just by not answering the phone/saying DH will get back to you. Has he said why he and his mother don't make arrangements together etc I'm assuming that was going on prior to the batshit crazy

Yeesh.
Withdraw. You actually have the power here. You're the mum, what you say goes. Use your carrier. Perfect your slightly puzzled, breezy brush offs 'it's fine, dd loves it HV says it's great. What do you have against it?'
And your dh needs to be on your side. My mil has upset us both a lot recently with some frankly odd, critical behaviour. Dh sat her down when I wasn't there and calmly told her it wasn't acceptable. I'm very, very proud of him for doing that as its not an easy conversation to have.

You need to have as little contact as possible. Things like removing knitted stuff would piss me off. I'd probably say something joking (but not) like 'cardie off again? Are you that against knitwear?'

Good luck. Trust your choices.

She was probably confused and trying to allow her MIL and child to have a relationship. I don't think it's helpful to blame OP for what is clearly other people's (MIL and DH) issues

Op. Obviously your dh tuts lot understands how crazy she is as he has minimal contact so struggling to understand why? Why would you want a toxic twat I'm your or more importantly in your dds life? Why?

Go non contact.

I speak as a mil and a gran

I'd cut any power that your mil imagines she has over you when she says about talking to the HV by getting in there before she does by saying that you've spoken to the health visitor and that she suggested/thought that xxx was a fantastic idea and would be really good for dd for anything you want to happen and that xxx is bad/etc for anything you don't want to happen.

You sound very sensible - it's not like you're signing dd up for baby fire juggling and hands free trapeze lessons so I'm sure the HV will back you up as she sounds supportive.

But yes, cutting down contact and only going over to see them if your dh also goes sound sensible and a way of preserving your sanity. And if your dh isn't going very much then it's win win for you! They're his parents - if they're hard going the least he can do is go with you to suffer together. And just tell mil to sort it out with dh on the phone - politely so she can't complain- and that should knock visits back even further.

I doubt that she will phone your mum back. For the record your mum has discussed it with you so she is not telling lies (not the conversation Mil wanted her to have but it has been discussed).

I would stop making an effort with contact. Leave it with DH I would not even say that is what you are doing. Just do it. She has broken your trust and that is a very difficult thing for her to get back.