To stay away from MIL from now on?

[PinkCollarCat]

Sorry if this long, I need to give all the background.

DH and I have been married since April, have a 13month old DD together. We've been together 4 years, and lived together for nearly 18months. DD wasn't planned, but we're happy and love being a family.

MIL was lovely until DD was born. She would often invite me over for meals when DH lived there, and then when he moved in with me she'd often text us asking us over. They helped us furnish our flat and seemed genuinely happy for us as a couple.

Then DD was born, and she started refusing to come visit our flat as apparently it was "dirty" after she visited once after the birth - DH was working 6 days a week with no paternity leave, DD was a few weeks old and I was struggling to breastfeed after having a episiotomy which resulted in me losing 4 pints of blood and having a transfusion as well as 16 stitches (10 external, 6 internal), I was on iron tablets, and antibiotics to stop me getting an infection and had only come out of hospital the day before after spending 10 days in as DD also developed a chest infection and had jaundice, so I've no idea why she expected me to have done the washing up or the laundry to be caught up on.

Things just got worse from there. I have no doubt she loves DD, and I'm not sure if she's just overly fussy or I've upset her but since then we've all (DH included) had a tricky relationship. MIL insisted I visited them once a fortnight on the Friday off work, DH was always working so I'd have to make my own way over with baby DD, and as I don't drive this meant an hour round trip. I always did it because I wanted to keep the peace.

At 6 weeks old DD was diagnosed with hip dysplasia (aka Clicky Hip) and was placed in a special brace for 12 weeks. I had to stop using the newborn section of the travel system as it was hindering her recovery. I put her in the next stage bit but she didn't like it and just cried. I thought she was too tiny for a stroller so instead switched to using a soft carrier which was recommended by the Orthopedic Nurses doing the weekly physio and bath on my DD.

Surprisingly as I'm quite short, both DD and I loved the carrier. And it was a godsend when she started teething and became clingy. However, MIL hated it and made her feelings on it clear. She moaned that the carrier was unsafe, DD apparently hating it (despite her smiling and babbling away when she was in) and that she thought it was neigh on child abuse to keep using it, she never said these things to me or DH but FIL would repeat them too us or she'd ring my mum concerned and my mum would tell me - my mum loved seeing her gd happy and just wanted her to get better so wasn't bothered with us using the carrier.

After the brace came off DD I continued to use the carrier, but also used the pushchair just as frequently, which DD was now happy to be in again. If we saw MIL she'd talk to me/DH/DD if we were using the pushchair, but completely ignore us if we were using the carrier - DH liked wearing it as much as me.

When we announced the date for our wedding in September, MIL just sighed and said "you don't have much time to plan it do you?" no congratulations, no asking about our plans, just a sigh. I was pretty put out.

At Christmas we planned to spend the day together as a family, just the 3 of us. The plan was to go to PILs on Christmas Eve and then to my mums from Boxing Day for a few days (she lives an hour away by train). But when DH told MIL the plan she threw a strop and told us we were ruining her Christmas - she has a party with all of her side of the family at her house (her 5 siblings, who have 18 children between them, plus her parents and grandparents, and SIL and her partner) which I thought would be too much for DD. DH didn't want to cause an argument at Christmas so we ended up going (DH drives). MIL even demanded that I express some milk rather than breastfeeding so I could in her words "have a break" (I have always known she's not a supporter of breastfeeding - she told me she wanted to me to give the baby formula several times while I was pregnant).

We turned up with DD in her carseat asleep, and MIL woke her up, got her out and we didn't get a look in for the rest of the afternoon, not even for feeding - we suspect MIL gave her formula at least once as I'd only expressed enough off for one feed as we only intended to stay an hour, but stayed all afternoon as we couldn't get DD back off various relatives who'd remove her from the room or be taking pictures when we went to get her.

I stopped the fortnightly visits after that. DH told MIL they were stopping as I was going back to work 3 days a week and wanted to get DD used to her childminder before I did (DD actually took to the CM straight away and was happy to be left from the start but MIL didn't need to know that). MIL was happy I was back at work, and started going on about DH and I getting a house closer to hers even though she knew that all our money was going on the wedding after the bills were paid and then on a family holiday after the wedding.

On the day we got married, MIL turned up late. FIL couldn't drive at the time, and I'd said we didn't have the room for GFILs parents - So DHs great grandparents who he's met once in his life, never receives christmas or birthday presents from and probably have no idea who he is as they have 9 living children, who all have at least 3 children each and god knows how many great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. And they were the only ones who could apparently drive her and FIL to the service, despite us inviting all 5 of MILs siblings, their spouses/partners, all DHs cousins on that side, both of FILs sisters and their husbands, all 6 of DHs cousins on FILs side plus his cousins 2 step children, all 6 of DHs grandparents (FILs parents both remarried before DH was born and he calls the step GPs granny/grandad) as well as SIL and her partner most of whom could drive and us getting married in their home town which would have been a 20minute walk or 10minute taxi journey. So she turned up late by 10 minutes and nearly missed the ceremony - had the couple before us not overrun she would have missed it. She claimed she didn't know that GFILs parents weren't picking her up.

Then at the reception she refused to pose for photos, took DD off my relatives several times and passed her to her relatives, constantly asked where my dad was even though she knows that my dad walked out on my mum when my DB and I were teenagers and we've never had contact since with him or his family (I told her this when DH and I got together), Asked my brother twice if he and I were twins (we are, but again she knew this) and complained loudly that it was unfair that we hadn't invited GFILs parents.

Since we've been married she moans about DDs clothes; she doesn't like the dress we've dressed her, she doesn't like jeans on such young children etc. She also takes off any cardigans/socks knitted by my family when we go round.

But the final straw was when I bought a new carrier. I wanted to carry DD on my back and she was getting close to the weight limit for the front carrier so I treated myself to a new soft back carrier. I took DD out in it the day it arrived, and we both loved it, so now I rarely use the pushchair. MIL told me she doesn't want to see me using the carrier, and she's going to ring my HV as she thinks it's damaging to DD for her to be in the carrier - to add my HV is lovely, and I've taken DD to the weighing clinic in the carrier and my HV and her colleagues all thought it was brilliant and DD was very happy in it, they recommend them for this age group anyway as they go through separation anxiety and being close by can be helpful for them.

MIL never speaks to DH unless he contacts her, it's always me. Whenever he asks what I've done to upset her she denies there's a problem.

AIBU to tell DH I don't want anything to do with MIL until she tells me what I've done to upset her or stops acting to childish?

You sound like an excellent loving mum, your mil sounds bloody awful, I would try and avoid her at all costs! It doesn't sounds as though she brings anything positive to your lives, carry on doing what your doing and enjoy your beautiful Dd.....

To deal with DH - make it all about you! Not PIL

Example DH I'd love it if we spent Christmas together this year. Do you remember it was such hard work last year and we need a break?

Rather than - I'm not going to your mothers this year she was a nightmare!!

Stop making the effort - seriously you wouldn't take this from a friend why should you from family

Can I suggest you talk this over with your HV, it may be helpful to you when she starts making allagations against you.

I would have lost my rag at her calling my mother and taking off homemade clothes from my mum!

She tried to blackmail you into getting a pushchair. Absolutely eerything else aside, that's simply not forgivable.

Will ring my HV in the morning. Hopefully if MIL rings her she can talk some sense into her.

DH is supportive, and is happy for me to never speak to MIL again. He does think she's a bit over excited first time granny, but I think she's being extreme. DD is also my mums first grandchild but she can control herself and doesn't take over etc.

It's not overexcited first time granny, it's control freak level and she won't be happy til she is your dd's mum replacement!

Why isn't your DH ringing your MIL and telling her off for even threatening to call the HV?
You sound strangely passive OP and I don't think your DH is being supportive. He's put you in the firing line so he isn't the one getting harassed.

Wow I thought mine were barking but your mil sounds like a loon. Not your fault, not your responsibility. You've done your best and you are entitled to move on. Good luck op.

I'm passive because I don't want to cause an argument, if it was my family I would lie down and let it happen so easily.

DH is supportive, but as MIL never contacts him I think he thinks it's between us.

Over excited first time granny. Reporting you to the HV. Really OP?

Yup. Stay away, you can't fix crazy, that woman will never be happy and you ll never do right enough for her.
Feeding your baby formula without your permission would have had me incandescent.

You sound like you need to stand up for yourself and your parenting a bit more TBH. Firm boundaries.

LTB (leave the BITCH) to it, she isn't worth your time or energy what a toxic poisonous old cow!

YANBU. Do stay away from her... very far away!
She sounds horrible; jealous, controlling, selfish, disrespectful, passive aggressive and melodramatic. Perhaps the birth of your daughter triggered something in her but you do not have to put up with more of her nasty bullshit.

The reason she is so anti the sling and BFing is because it attaches baby to you. It puts you 110% in control.

She
is desperate to get your baby from you, play mum. However things should get easier as baby gets bigger and less baby like.

Truthfully I limit contact with MIL for similar reasons.

tbh I think the no contact until she explains what happened is just going to keep the problem going. I'd go cold turkey. If you give her a lever, she's just going to keep causing you problems. Her behaviour is so odd, I'd really wonder about her MH - though I'm not qualified to draw any conclusions at all. Behaviour like that would really worry me, and I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child.

DH is supportive, and is happy for me to never speak to MIL again.

Then I think you have your answer. Either go 'cold turkey' or gradually reduce the time you spend with her. No invites from you. Accept fewer and fewer from her. Don't return calls or texts.

What I wouldn't do is have some kind of 'meeting' or conversation where you tell her you're going NC and why. That sort of thing never ends well.

Just give her a wide berth- stick with the baby carrier and BF as long as suits you. MIL doesn't like you being in control .

She needs to be firmly put back in her box.

Nasty old bitch. Obviously she has problems (don't we all ) but she needs to see a therapist not act out in this way. You've had some good advice here.

1. Don't listen to her poison whispers by proxy. Tell FIL and your mum not to pass on your gossip. Don't even say 'she can tell me herself', just say you would rather not hear second hand complaints.
2. Your DH can deal with her. Not your problem. If that means contact dwindles then ho hum.

Those two things will only work if

1. You keep in mind that her behaviour means she is pitiable and try not to dwell on it or be annoyed.

She sounds very difficult indeed but could you find a way to spend a couple of hours with her - take her out for tea or something whilst DH looks after DD - and try to get to the bottom of this, as you say she was ok til DD came along. You sound very sensible so I'd urge you to be the bigger/better person here.
My MIL behaved very badly at our wedding too & has ruined other family occasions with her tantrums (she's the youngest of 8 kids & very childish). But I try my hardest not to fall out with her, for DD's sake. I want DD to have a good relationship with her grandma, which won't happen if we're not on speaking terms.

Ah.... you sound lovely.

And yes, she is sounds batshit crazy.

Turning up at your wedding late?! That is so out of order.... If it hadn't run 10 minutes over time, all attention would have turned to her arriving late at the church/venue just as the ceremony would begin.... Exactly what she wanted.
Despicable woman.

Wow! How are you still speaking to her at all after all that?! The formula incident is unforgivable, I read that bit out to my DH as we are worried about how mental his mother is going to be when our baby comes, he was very shocked. If my MIL tries to be that insane, we will cut off all contact, I don't have your patience OP!

Run for the hills talk to your hv and tell her that she will get a phone call from your control freak mil. She is jealous because she couldn't breastfeed or carry a child on her back. You know your child best. From now on ignore her texts and her phone calls and tell your dh to talk to her from now onwards. Is he scared of her?

My dp told me I am going to behave like that when my son finds a girlfriend. I don't think so I am not that possessive or controlling. She will see me regularly popping in and out to say hello now and then but thats as far as it will go.

Its not a bad thing to cut them off. My partner always says who don't hear must feel and you have to make that woman think about how stupid she is. I would give it a year or 2 but how she is passing your baby around to people would have driven me crazy I would have snapped there and then. It does make you wonder if she loves her son turning up late to his wedding is outrageous and then not posing for pictures. He brought you to her he has to sort this shit out and fuck her off its his mother. Stupid boy.

Have you posted about her before? At least 2 of the situations you've described sound very familiar! (the bus trip to visit her, and the Christmas one)

She's a shocker. YWNBU at all to never speak to her again. Your DH seems to have already gone low contact with her, he obviously realises she's got batshit issues - so it wouldn't be that hard for you to follow his line.

Her behaviour has been well out of order; couldn't tell you why since I've seen that your DH has a younger sister though! I was going to suggest your DD might have been the daughter she never had, but she HAD one, so that doesn't work!

But no, you absolutely do not need to put up with this shit. Not at all. So either stop contact, or challenge her ridiculousness - which it seems you wouldn't feel able to do?
Things I would do though:
• on being told rubbish about the carrier, respond with "really? I didn't know you were an orthopaedic surgeon, when did you get that qualification? Since he and all the HVs/HCPs involved with DD think it's ok, I'm wondering what your basis for disapproval really is?"
• on her removing your DD's clothes that came from your family, I would say "Oh sorry, she needs to keep those on as they're her favourites, and she doesn't seem to like whatever you wash yours in".

Whenever she challenges your parental authority, challenge her right back!

If you let her walk all over you now, she/it will only get worse so you need to put your foot down - and if she decides to go NC over it, so much the better for you! :)

I'm not a great believer in women like this making great grandparents - if they show blatant disrespect to the child's mother, that damages that relationship and shows that the grandparent doesn't have the child's best interests at heart. As the children grow older and see what happens, they also get very uncomfortable about it, and may have divided loyalty conflicts. My MIL and I get on ok, we're not great friends or anything, but the important thing about our relationship is that we both care about my boys and their welfare, more than anything else. So she would never undermine me in the way that yours is doing, even if (and this is important) she didn't agree with me.