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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Body insecurity

41 replies

MsDe · 08/08/2016 15:48

I am fairly overweight, but even when not, have an hourglass figure. All tits and hips. Last night while watching the Olympics, my partner commented that he found the volleyball players very sexy. Seeing a body at its physical peak, in prime condition, at the top of its game...

Then I think he realised what he'd said, and the footage cut to male boxers, and he added, 'even these ones...' Fairly unconvincingly.

It crushed me. I am so upset. Especially as his last partner does have an Olympian athletic body - boyish hips, flat chested, muscular, lean, fit. The opposite of me. I feel vile.

I'm trying to get perspective. I know we all have crushes, and they're often on people nothing like our partners, but that doesn't mean we don't think our partners are sexy. But I'm just so sad. It's not just that I'm different. I'm opposite.

Would you have been upset?

OP posts:
TamaraHiddlestoned · 08/08/2016 15:53

No.
(And I'm fat!)
Re his last partner - doesn't really matter what she looks like, he's with you now & clearly you are what he prefers in his life now,rather than in the past or in an unrealistic, tv way.
Enjoy your body & enjoy being his real life lover!

Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 15:55

I should add that he's been too tired to have sex a lot lately. And when we do it's fairly functional and mutual masturbation stuff. I already have it in the back of my mind that he doesn't really fancy me.

And it's fair enough, I suppose.

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weeblueberry · 08/08/2016 15:57

No I have to say that as an overweight woman I wouldn't have got upset by this. It's pretty typical to see a perfectly toned and young body and think it's attractive.

Just because you find one particular person attractive doesn't mean you'd find a totally opposite looking person unattractive?

90daychallenger · 08/08/2016 15:59

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like an arsehole. Your problem isn't your body or your confidence it's your partner. He's insensitive and immature.

DH and I often joke about each other being fat and saying other people have good bodies but we both know where to draw the line so not to actually hurt each other.

TamaraHiddlestoned · 08/08/2016 16:02

Sounds like his tiredness is the reason... please don't create another problem where one may not exist!
Could you talk to him about how he feels about tiredness & sex & your bodies together?
It's not uncommon for sex to become more functional in a long term relationship, esp if one or both people are tired, ill or stressed.

singleandfabulous · 08/08/2016 16:04

I have a figure like that OP and wish to god I had big boobs, curvy bum and hips. In my experience, that's what men (mostly) like.

I can't do 'curvy' to save my life and sexy lingerie looks ridiculous on me. I have to wear plain, sporty stuff. My thighs and waist are stright - no curve and I have muscular sholders.

Trust me, he's with you, he loves your body. He just spoke without thinking.

INeedAnEspresso · 08/08/2016 16:06

You say you have an hourglass figure I'm pretty sure that's constantly rated as the most attractive by men, women like Kim K, Jenifer Lopez are constantly praised for their curves. As a man I think curvy woman like Jenifer Lopez are the most attractive.

But the issue here is your partner praising another body type. Look I think we have to accept that none of us are perfect and that someone else is always going to be taller, slimmer more pretty. It really comes down to the fact that your husband loves for who you are not because you aren't lean or muscular. Is your partner Olympic body standard I'm sure like 99% of us he isn't. So stop worrying about this and try and think about your positives more. Flowers

myownprivateidaho · 08/08/2016 16:07

I don't think your partner sounds like an arsehole tbh. Saying he finds some people attractive is not the same as saying he finds you unattractive. The species wouldn't survive if everyone was only attracted to Olympians. I think you're overreacting I'm afraid. Remember he has chosen you and obviously is attracted to you.

Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 16:09

Was attracted to me when we met and I was the hourglass.

Now I'm just... Round. And wobbly.

I know this is my problem not his. I just wondered if it would upset other people too. I have a skewed inner mirror.

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INeedAnEspresso · 08/08/2016 16:11

*Was attracted to me when we met and I was the hourglass.

Now I'm just... Round. And wobbly.

I know this is my problem not his. I just wondered if it would upset other people too. I have a skewed inner mirror. *

If it's getting you down I would suggest maybe joining a gym and trying to slim down. But it should be for you not for him.

FlyingElbows · 08/08/2016 16:11

Op what your other half found most sexy was barely covered bums in glorious technicolour in his living room on the "big telly"! It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You cannot go through life comparing yourself to women you don't even know. singleandfabulous has told you that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.

90daychallenger · 08/08/2016 16:14

myownprivate
I don't think your partner sounds like an arsehole tbh

If her partner knew she had body confidence issues and still opted to comment on how attractive he found another woman's body (regardless of whether she was an athlete or not) is pretty fucking arsehole-y. It's got nothing to do with who/what he finds attractive and everything to do with being caring and not upsetting the person you love with careless comments (whatever they're about).

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2016 16:14

It wouldn't upset me but then again I'm very happy with my shape. You sound like you're not and it is an insecurity of yours. He's not an arsehole and it's perfectly reasonable to think Olympians have great bodies, if they don't then I don't know who does!

Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 16:16

I'm a big size 16. I was a small 14 when we met. I don't really get much smaller than that. Huge huge boobs (unattractively so, esp after breastfeeding), massive hips. Difficult to dress.

Right now the middle bit has filled in and my legs are a disaster. It does get me down but until this month work has made anything other than sleeping, eating and working impossible. There's some clear space now to tackle things. Shouldn't take long, right? Right?!

But I still won't be boyish. If someone finds boyish figures sexy, how can they find mine?

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Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 16:18

90Days, that's kind of what I think. That there's just no need to say it out loud.

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Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 16:19

He doesn't understand why I'm upset though and as so many of you wouldn't be, I'm probably being unreasonable.

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ToastDemon · 08/08/2016 16:21

I would have been upset at that.
To he honest my DH and I don't tend to comment on others of the opposite sex being sexy or attractive. It saves a lot of hurt feelings all round.

CauliflowerBalti · 08/08/2016 16:24

Tricky. He's with you. It doesn't matter who or what he finds attractive elsewhere. He's with you, for reasons over and above your size and shape, and they are the reasons that should matter.

But it's a really insensitive thing to say, I think. If my husband was overweight, I might* quietly appreciate the male swimmers' bodies, but I wouldn't comment that I found them 'sexy'. It's that word, isn't it? It's not quiet admiration of peak physical fitness, it's not, 'wow - they look good'. He's expressing sexual attraction. That's not great.

INeedAnEspresso · 08/08/2016 16:26

Because he's with you so must find you attractive whether it's your personality or body.

90daychallenger · 08/08/2016 16:27

MsDe I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Some of the responses on her are really fucking depressing. I stand by what I said he was thoughtless, uncaring and an arsehole to say that to you knowing you have body confidence issues. Of course he can find other people attractive and even people who don't look particularly like you, but there's no need to say it to you. That's just nasty.

If you're unhappy with your body for you then look to change it but this has to be for you not so that you can get some vindication and value from a nasty arsehole.

mumofthemonsters808 · 08/08/2016 16:29

I think most men fancy the female volleyball players, Christ I do and I'm a women, they are so body beautiful I can't stop looking at them.Not for one minute do I resent my OH ogling them, we do it together.I certainly don't compare myself to them, I'm not an athlete and you shouldn't either.Forget his ex, he's with you and that's all that matters.

Sparklesilverglitter · 08/08/2016 16:30

No I wouldn't be upset.

All he said was that he found that body type attractive, he didn't say he didn't find you attractive. A lot of people find more than one type attractive. I know I find men of different types attractive, my DH isn't muscular but if I seen a guy on tv with the full six pack etc I find them attractive just like I find DH attractive

You need to be confident in your own skin, nothing wrong with an hourglass figure!

Eatthecake · 08/08/2016 16:33

I wouldn't be upset.

Many people are attracted to more than 1 body type. I know I am. So him finding them attractive does not mean he can't find you sexy too.

Learn to be happy and feel good about what you are. For the record nothing wrong with an hourglass figure!
Don't compare yourself to other women
Don't think about the dress size of his exes, he is with you because he wants to be

Original poster
MsDe · 08/08/2016 16:42

Thank you. He will be home in a bit and I need to get my shit together and stop feeling so crappy.

I couldn't stand him touching me last night. I went to bed a little after him and when I got in, he put his arm over me and held my waist (or where there once was waist) and I just froze. The idea of how awful I must feel.

The ex thing - it isn't so much comparing myself to her (though I do that too). It's that it isn't as if that super-fit body is out of his reach. He can look at the women with bodies like that, that he finds sexy, and imagine/remember what it feels like. He has the comparison. And fat never wins.

Ffs.

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