Body insecurity

[MsDe]

I am fairly overweight, but even when not, have an hourglass figure. All tits and hips. Last night while watching the Olympics, my partner commented that he found the volleyball players very sexy. Seeing a body at its physical peak, in prime condition, at the top of its game...

Then I think he realised what he'd said, and the footage cut to male boxers, and he added, 'even these ones...' Fairly unconvincingly.

It crushed me. I am so upset. Especially as his last partner does have an Olympian athletic body - boyish hips, flat chested, muscular, lean, fit. The opposite of me. I feel vile.

I'm trying to get perspective. I know we all have crushes, and they're often on people nothing like our partners, but that doesn't mean we don't think our partners are sexy. But I'm just so sad. It's not just that I'm different. I'm opposite.

Would you have been upset?

If he thought your waist felt awful, he wouldn't have put his arm around you. Maybe your self-confidence is affecting your sex life?

You sound like your self-esteem is through the floor at the moment, and I think we all know how sensitive that can make us. He probably wasn't aiming his comments at you. I would also find his openness a bit reassuring as at least he's not harbouring a secret preference. It was probably a throwaway comment.

Is he a gym-honed, buff kind of bloke?

Well, 90Day, to be fair, if the DH knew that the OP had severe body confidence issues that's a different matter. But she didn't say that, or even that she does identify as having such issues. But insofar as the question is, is it unreasonable to express desire at someone who doesn't look like your partner, personally I think the answer's no. So long as it's not constant ogling, I don't think there's anything wrong with couples talking to each other about who they find attractive. And being crushed and made to feel vile by the idea that your partner finds someone who doesn't look like you attractive isn't the average person's reaction imo. But you feel how you feel, and I think it's fine to let your DP know that you do feel like this, OP. Maybe he can reassure you (though ideally your self-confidence wouldn't be linked with his opinion!)

MsDe I know I've said he's an arsehole etc. but how easy is it to talk to him about this? If you sat down and explained how you feel and how much what he said hurt you, how do you think that kind of conversation would work?

He's sort of buff. Not been to the gym for a little while and drunk a bit too much beer, but he's a former athlete himself. His backside, arms and thighs are still rock solid and he's fairly toned.

He knows very well I have self esteem issues. I should have said that, I suppose. He knows how I feel about myself.

If I spoke to him, he'd tell me he loves me and that I turn him on. That we both need to lose weight. That he will support me in my weight loss.

And all I will hear is 'you need to lose weight'.

Which I do. So it shouldn't hurt.

He would see it matter of factly like that too.

Oh dear. It doesn't sound like either of you are being U really. It sounds hard on both sides. Would a course of therapy be an option for you? Or CBT? Sounds like you need a lift of some kind.

He knows it upset me. But we haven't spoken about it properly yet. From his messages today - about domestic shit, shopping and stuff - I can tell he's pissed off that I'm pissed off.

Oh OP. I can see how hurt you are. And for the record - it doesn't matter how anyone else would feel in this situation, it matters how YOU feel. And you're upset.

I'm heavier than I'd like to be at the moment and I know what you mean about the freezing when DP touches your middle, etc. I do the same. But when I told mine how I felt, he was astounded. He said when he touches me - any part of me - all he's aware of is that it's ME. No comparisons. No judging. I bet your DP feels the same.

Your body is bigger than it once was, but it's still healthy. It keeps you alive and allows you to do all the fun things you love doing together. I bet he's very grateful for it, in whatever shape it's in.

Think of the women (and men) that you love, and who you think are beautiful. Would you stop feeling that way if they gained or lost weight? I bet you wouldn't, because admiration and attraction is about so much more then body fat.

He spoke without thinking. I kind of get what he means - it IS interesting to see humans at the peak of physical fitness, in the same way it's interesting to see dinosaur skeletons and those waxwork autopsy exhibits. It's not something you see every day!

But he did try to save it, with the male boxers comment, which I think goes on his favour - he didn't want you to feel rubbish.

Chat to him OP. Don't take this all on yourself. Sending you lots of unmumsnetty love.

The bra and knickers sports do demand excellent physical condition. The players do look very.good and work hard for it and the.outfits show it off.

So? Your partner isn't with his ex, he's with you. There is no planetary ration of attractivemess, the.athletes haven't used it all up!

Your last post sums it up beautifully. Keep repeating it to ypurself. and perhaps look for some counselling so you see what he sees?

My current boyfriend is a well-built, exceedingly muscular former PT. And he's black. My ex-DP from before him is a slim, gangly white accountant. Before that there was a range of men of all shapes and sizes and colours. And my ex-DP from before all of them was a woman. And all of them were, at the time I was in a relationship with them, the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. And your DP will be thinking the same about you, now. He's not with his ex, and he didn't pick another woman who looked like his ex - he chose you, and your beautiful body.

It's entirely possibly to be attracted to a vast range of different physiques and types, and generally it also has an awful lot more to do with the personality which inhabits that physique.

I get the feeling a bit hurt, but it sounds like he just made a comment without thinking it through properly.

OP, I second what Comtesse said! I'm bisexual so I like men and women. If I'm with a man, it doesn't mean I'm pining for a vulva or vice versa. Most of us have many different aesthetic "types" and they change over time.

MsDe I don't think you're being unreasonable I would be upset by that too. I've experienced periods where I've gained weight and my confidence has fallen through the floor, especially if your sex life isn't as you want it to be at the moment. I'm going to be really blunt now. For those who say tritely: "He must fancy you he's your partner!" That's not really a comfort because it's not true. People get into relationships and bodies change and develop and sexual attraction can wax and wane. Who knows if partners feel differently about someone sexually if their appearance changes? I'm sure it's different for everyone. Love won't change but sexual attraction could.

I think this could be a turning point for you. You're honest about being unhappy with your body and that is the crux of all this. I think for your own self esteem and mental health you need to prioritise your health and fitness and the 90 day thing is a great goal. If you were a small 14 and you're now a large 16 I'm guessing (roughly) you've gained about a stone and a half, so not loads. That's 21 pounds. If you lose a pound a week you can be back to your old self in 17 weeks, four months. I strongly recommend you do this and see how you feel then. Good luck.

*21 not 17 weeks!

Tuppence IF the OP wants to lose weight it wont always come off in a certain time frame just because you want it too.

Im a size 14 and an hourglass like the OP but i was a 28. The first time i lost ten stone in 18 months.

i kept it off for a few years but then gained 4 stone back which has taken me the last 3 years to lose going from a size 22 back down to a 14. The second time no matter what i tried i lost a pound and a half a month and couldnt lose it any quicker. I realized i had to keep going and be patient.

Im quite booby and hippy too but you cant change your natural body shape and im happy with myself which is the main thing.

I went from a 46G down to a 34F the first time.

Have gone from a 38K down to a 32HH the second time.

I hadn't thought about bisexuality in the context of being sexually attracted to opposites. That is indeed fairly comforting. Thank you.

I had asked my partner not to talk about it, because he has a knack of well-meaningly making things word and I felt so raw. So he didn't say a word last night. Just came home and hugged me and kissed me and stroked me like I am the most precious thing in the world. So that helped too.

Tuppence, I liked your post. It is true that attraction waxes and wanes. It feels like I've gained more than a stone and a half. I daren't weigh myself. I've stopped drinking alcohol now as that is the biggest difference between my small 14 days and now. I was teetotal then. I'm hoping I can starve myself into the mental space where you've lost 4 pounds in a week and feel super motivated, then plug away at the rest sensibly.

Helena, well done on losing the 4 stone eventually. Perseverance! I think it gets harder and harder to lose weight the older you get. Fucking metabolism.

Thank you everyone for your kindness, regardless of how mental you think I'm being. And they say AIBU is a bear pit...