Am I unreasonable to say we're not going

[Winifredgoose]

Just want a quick check to see if me and dh are being totally unreasonable.
We go and stay with fil and step Mil twice a year for a weekend(fil comes to us regularly, but step Mil finds having us too tiring). They live in a beautiful house near the sea, with a massive garden and animals. We live in centralish London with a yard. Our children(and us) love going there.
We are due to go there in two weeks.
Today fil emailed to say he has found out there is a family reunion with some distant relatives on his side on the Sunday. I have never heard of any of these people in ten years. My husband has met one woman and her son about twenty years ago. Fil said he had asked if he can bring us along, and they have said yes. We would not be invited otherwise. It is mainly older people in their 60s+, though there is going to be one other child. The reunion is over an hours drive from fils.
I really don't want to go. We are driving 3 hours to fils with young children, and the last thing we want to do it then spend one of the two days driving to see people we don't know and making small talk, before probably never seeing them again. We were really looking forward to rockpooling and relaxing in the garden(like we normally do), and spending time with fil and step Mil(who our children love).
Dh has said to fil that we may go to the beach while they go, or has given an option of us coming a different weekend. Fil is upset. Dh has started backtracking.
Are we being unreasonable?

Yabu in my opinion, as you seem to feel hard done by because you might miss out on the scenery of your visit, it begs the question are you visiting your relatives or their property? Would you still make the three hour trip if they lived in a terrace row in the middle of a city?? Perhaps your FIL suspects not! And is giving you guys an opportunity to prove otherwise? Take it. Or risk leaving your in laws feeling used.

Thanks for everyone's opinions. Dh has told fil we will go. We are going to drive on the Friday night instead of Saturday morning, so we will have more time with fil and Mil relaxing on the sat.

Alex Rose of course we would visit relatives in different circumstances!!!! Both my mum and Mil live is small semis/terraced houses. Just because we look forward to being somewhere totally rural with animals, it doesn't mean this is the only value we place on the trip. Fil def knows this. We see him regularly and include him in our lives(he has just gone home having been here for a few days).
If in the future if one of my children lived in rural Lincolnshire and came to see us in central London with their children for two weekends a year, I would understand that as well as seeing us, they will be looking forward to seeing London. This wouldn't make me feel it was the only reason for their visit.
I honestly don't think in these circumstances I would suggest they spent one of the two days visiting coming to meet the extended family of my second cousin, who they didn't know, an hours drive out of London.
Despite this, I understand it is rude not to go, as this is what fil wants to do, and we are staying with him. I will let you all know what a surprisingly amazing time we have .

Well I didn't think you were being unreasonable, I didn't feel it was fair on the children to drive them all the way there and then spend half the time doing both more driving, and time with people they don't know in a none child friendly activity. But respect to you for going along with it, I hope it goes smoothly.

YANBU.

I wouldn't go. You'd be inconveniencing your immediate family in favour of distant family that you've never met. Makes no sense.

To people saying YABU, 'Family comes first' doesn't actually support the point you're making in this particular case.

Please go, you never know you might even enjoy yourself :)

and even discover that older relations and young children can have lots in common

Ah just saw the update - how very selfless of you! Hope it turns out to be the most fun trip ever!!

Well if your FIL is offended at the prospect of you guys not going then it's probably only right that you do. I'm not saying the extra hours drive is a prospect id look forward to myself with the kids already being in a car for a long time, but if you've already had them in the car for three hours without thinking you yourselves are being unreasonable towards the kids, I don't see why you think the extra one hour at the behest of your in laws would be 🤔 Sorry I'm just playing devils advocate here, you did ask for an opinion. Which is why I threw in there that FIL may end up feeling used if you guys are happy to drive three hours to enjoy the spoils of his surroundings but won't throw in an extra hour to go see his family . Godda look at it from all angles to give sound advice 👍🏻 I can see from your update though that you are going and as far as advice from a stranger goes I think it's the right thing to do 👍🏻 Enjoy yourselves it might be less of a chore than you fear, and you may even forge new family connections from it that wouldn't have otherwise come about. 🌷

I feel for you too. Having just been to a friends of my OH's mothers 80th party. I knew the mother, though not very well and his friend. Didn't know anyone else and I was the youngest by about 12 years. I hate that situation. I didn't take the children as I knew they'd be bored.
But I think you have to go as it is only polite. Your fil will be wanting to show his family off. Unless of course you suddenly come down with a bug and don't go at all 😉

I would go so I'm very happy to see your update.

Tons of people will tell you how gorgeous your kids are and you'll get some burgers.

I hope the whole weekend is lots of fun

Much as I agree with you, and I wouldn't want to to do it either, I think you should bite the bullet here, and go with them! It appears (correct me if I'm wrong) that you and your family get a hell of a lot out of your regular visits to FIL's, perhaps more than they get from visiting you.....so perhaps just this once, humour them!

I drive 12 hours with 4 cats and 21 month old in car to my mums - we do overnight - less traffic (and idiots!) on the road and DH and myself take turns driving. Cats and child also more likely to sleep on journey (in fact they do) so you're not hassled by the 'are we nearly there yet'. So would be tempted to go down Friday night - you can prepack on Thursday for weekend so Friday night throw everything and everybody in car and go. Kids in cars don't care as long as they're entertained - if older than babies then videos - put a dvd on your laptop/phone or give them books to read. If car sick then invent 'I spy' games - they have to count x many red cars etc. If asked to family re-union following day we arrived, I wouldn't mind as BBQs with older people are rather more surprising fun with all the stories they get up to! Also everyone loves to be a granny for short while as they can hand the kids back at night......so your kids might actually enjoy stories the elders have to tell.

Reading your post - it rather does come across that you're using your FiL as a B&B - you probably didn't mean it that way ....but that's what it comes across as........... so I would say yes go meet family members you've never met before - older people can actually be more fun than younger (the stories they've got up to!!!) especially if it's a BBQ as everyone lets their hair down more than a formal meal.

Why only visit twice a year to FiLs - even if step MiL finds tiring? You're only a 1/2 day away. Does step MiL find too tiring as you let children riot whilst you take back seat in parenting and she feels duty-bound to play nursemaid? (that may sound harsh written down but I've had experience of other folk doing just that to me - descending on and then practically ignoring kids so I was constantly running around to make sure stuff not broken, kids not hurt). If that w/end you go to party - not got to FiL another weekend so you get your 2 weekends of rock pooling with/without the inlaws on the beach for your usual break?

I'm glad you are going - parents do like to 'show off offspring and their families' and I hope you have a fantastic time engaging with those mysterious family members. You get out of situations what you put in - if you're really friendly and approach first (even if you're shy) most people respond - unless they're chronically shy themselves - and if its family your fil hasn't met before - then he's in same boat too and might have asked you along to help bolster his confidence. :)

Just an idea OP but why don't you use the opportunity to draw up a rough family tree ? I know they are your DHs family but your children will be interested in the future and family history is a very popular hobby that the whole family can share. Gets the older folk talking about funny things that happened to various family members etc and breaks the ice.
You may learn some fascinating stuff.
Wish I'd had the opportunity myself but most wiped out in the war etc.
Family duty can be a bore at times but there will be times when you will be the ones to benefit.
Good luck.