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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to say we're not going

63 replies

Winifredgoose · 08/08/2016 15:01

Just want a quick check to see if me and dh are being totally unreasonable.
We go and stay with fil and step Mil twice a year for a weekend(fil comes to us regularly, but step Mil finds having us too tiring). They live in a beautiful house near the sea, with a massive garden and animals. We live in centralish London with a yard. Our children(and us) love going there.
We are due to go there in two weeks.
Today fil emailed to say he has found out there is a family reunion with some distant relatives on his side on the Sunday. I have never heard of any of these people in ten years. My husband has met one woman and her son about twenty years ago. Fil said he had asked if he can bring us along, and they have said yes. We would not be invited otherwise. It is mainly older people in their 60s+, though there is going to be one other child. The reunion is over an hours drive from fils.
I really don't want to go. We are driving 3 hours to fils with young children, and the last thing we want to do it then spend one of the two days driving to see people we don't know and making small talk, before probably never seeing them again. We were really looking forward to rockpooling and relaxing in the garden(like we normally do), and spending time with fil and step Mil(who our children love).
Dh has said to fil that we may go to the beach while they go, or has given an option of us coming a different weekend. Fil is upset. Dh has started backtracking.
Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 08/08/2016 16:38

I used to go to lots of different relatives when little, most I'd never see again.
it was fun and we got spoiled rotten.
It's great socialising for the kids and ditto to the family tree idea.

DietCockBreak · 08/08/2016 16:39

YANBU. They already had an arrangement with you to have you stay the weekend. They should have asked you if you wanted to go before RSVPing to the event. Saying 'you can come another weekend' 2 weeks before because they'd rather do something else is rude. Beach while they're gone sounds a good compromise though.

akkakk · 08/08/2016 16:41

Dear FIL,
Thank you so much for thinking of us and not wanting to vanish while we are with you. I can totally understand why you would wish to attend that event, but I think that as our children are young, the journey (on top of the journey to see you) might just be a little bit disruptive in such a short time period.

As such, while we are honoured to be invited to a party with people who don't know us, I think that the best decision would be for you and MIL to go along, but we will stay back and just take the kids for a relaxing day on the beach - perhaps we can even have an evening meal ready for you when you come back...

really looking forward to seeing you both
your dutiful, and tactful DIL

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/08/2016 16:44

I'd go and I love Cherylenes idea of designing a family tree for your DCs, I've tried to do one for our family and just wish I could go further back. It's even better if you can put faces to names. Go and enjoy yourselves.

Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 08/08/2016 16:48

YABU. I understand your disappointment that the weekend will not be as you wanted, but (unless there's a backstory that they spring this sort of thing on all the time) it's quite selfish of you not to do this for your FIL. Could you compensate by planning a nice family day out on another weekend?

bluebeck · 08/08/2016 16:49

YANBU I wouldn't go to the reunion. To be fair, you had the arrangement with FIL first and he is dropping you because he got a better offer so he can't complain.

It's his call, either you go for a whole weekend another time, or you go and they go to the reunion without you, or you go and they miss the reunion.

CPtart · 08/08/2016 16:57

I think retired folk forget how precious holiday time is for working families. A day out visiting distant relatives might be no big deal to them and something they would enjoy, but if it's isn't for you then as grown adults you shouldn't be expected to tag along. The needs and wants of you and your family out trump those of your PIL IMO. And let's be honest, ''your FIL's second cousin and their extended family" probably, and quite understandably, won't give a monkeys if you're there or not either. I would not want to go and I would pressurise DH to tell FIL the same. And if that made me selfish then so be it.

Memoires · 08/08/2016 17:14

Oh do go! You may meet people who are lovely and become like extra gps to your children. Anything could happen! Be open to new experiences and you will often be surprised how much your life is enhanced.

allnewredfairy · 08/08/2016 18:44

I bet the kids would love running round at a family bbq and meeting new relatives. You do sound a bit selfish tbh.

BackforGood · 08/08/2016 18:53

I would go. It clearly means a lot to FiL to introduce different parts of his family to each other. I imagine the dc will enjoy a BBQ and meeting new people. It's part of what being a family is.

Okay377 · 08/08/2016 19:06

I would go and think you are being a bit U. I understand why it doesn't sound so appealing but your FIL is clearly proud of his family and it would mean a lot to him, so it's a bit of a loss for you but a big gain for him. As a kid I went to big family gatherings and had a good time exploiting new places, it's really you and your DH it will affect which is a bit crappy but I'd suck it up for one day for my dad who we had a good relationship with and loved visiting. As a compromise limit your visit to two hours? Tell your FIL it would be lovely to meet people but you also want to make the most of your time with them at home so it's an afternoon/eve rather than whole day. I'm not especially sociable but just spent a weekend with aunt and uncle and uncles family (not blood relations). I wasn't looking forward to it but they were lovely and it gave me more connections to that side of the family and I felt pretty churlish afterwards for not wanting to go.

You might even have a good time

Okay377 · 08/08/2016 19:06

*exploring not exploiting!

Okay377 · 08/08/2016 19:08

And FIL isn't 'dropping you for a better offer' - it's a big family reunion he's excited about and thought you as family would be pleased about too

Gottagetmoving · 08/08/2016 19:16

You have already made your mind up that you won't enjoy it but probably because it was not something you had planned to do?
I would go to the family thing. It may be lovely and would make your fil happy.

GrumpyOldBag · 08/08/2016 19:19

I think YABU.

Family should come first - even if it's distant family.

And you may find you enjoy it more than you expect.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/08/2016 19:23

yanbu

Assuming you are travelling up on Friday which is never fun on busy summer weekends - you will have hardly any time there before leaving on Sunday.

If you went up every month I could understand but since you only go twice a year I would just see if you could move it to a different weekend.

I have 3 children and my youngest has always been a nightmare on car journeys - an extra 2 hours on the sunday would just have been hideous and I would have declined for that reason alone.

TribbleTrouble · 08/08/2016 19:28

I think you are YANBU to dread it, but YABU not to go. They'll be in a garden, so space to run around and lots of people to talk to. Personally, I would feel the same as you, but everytime I've been to such events in the past my children literally disappear and I end up having a lovely time whilst they get entertained by various members of the family.

Plus, it would probably mean a lot to your FIL. I'd take some toys, load up a load of stuff on a tablet and embrace it.

1AngelicFruitCake · 08/08/2016 19:35

Sometimes it's good to do things for others, especially as they sound like they are welcoming to you. I'd do it but am stress you don't want to be there for long.

ProfYaffle · 08/08/2016 19:47

I assume you'll be travelling back on Sunday, the same day the bbq? So that's 2hrs on top of the 3 you'll be driving back home? If that's the case YANBU.

We drive a similar distance to see my parents. I'd happily do a duty visit to distant relatives but not the extra travelling.

SisterMoonshine · 08/08/2016 19:51

I agree with glogirl.
YABU

Meeep · 08/08/2016 19:54

I think you should go.

Unicorntrainer · 08/08/2016 20:14

The older you get, the more important family ties become. He probably wants to show you all off. And if it is the last time that you see them, when they are gone you will have memories of that day with them.

yorkstonepatio · 08/08/2016 20:21

YABmassivelyU. Sometimes in life you do things for other people that you might not enjoy yourself because it is important to them, and this is one of them.

Twice a year your stepMIL hosts your family for an entire weekend despite the fact she finds this tiring. Of course she does. I am fortunate enough to live in the kind of house that family love to visit, and stay for the weekend. It is hard work, and I'm not just talking about the meal planning and cooking. After everyone has left I am left with a mountain of work changing beds, washing and ironing linen, cleaning bathrooms etc. Having a family stay is a lot more effort than putting up a single adult. Your StepMIL does this for you, but you can't be bothered to do a small favour in return that would an awful lot to your FIL? Try to be a little less selfish.

An hour in the car isn't such a big deal for kids, and after a day at a party they will probably just zonk out on the way back. I suspect the issue is more about the fact you don't want to 'waste' your holiday weekend.

redexpat · 08/08/2016 20:50

I'd go. You might enjoy yourself, might meet some interesting people. If not, then it's a few hours of your life you'll never get back.

I really understand you just wanting to enjoy the garden though, could you take an extra trip to see them this year?

At least he's given you some warning. I got introduced to FILs 2 cousins in a swimming pool in a holiday park the other weekend.

Alasdair53 · 09/08/2016 17:35

Speaking from my experience with my husband and our son... They both found the whole family thing important. We have recently got back in touch with cousins and uncles and aunts of my husband. They lost contact years ago when his mum and her siblings fell out. They are in their 60s and 80s and my son, now in his 20s, is so happy to have made the connection. There are a couple of younger ones. You might be surprised at the things you find out about your family.

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