To want DD to meet her half brother?

[FatAmy]

DD (5) has never met her biological father and as far as she is aware her dad is my ex husband who has been around since mid way through the pregnancy.

Recently I received a message from her biological father's (now ex) girlfriend informing me that she has had a baby and after messaging back and forth for a couple of months we have decided we want them to meet- I wouldn't introduce them as brother and sister at first but as if me and his mum are friends. The biological father would not be involved at all.

I talked this through with my ex husband and he is dead against them meeting, mainly I think because he doesn't want her finding out he isn't her biological father (although obviously she would find out at some point anyway). We can't come to an agreement after discussing it multiple times.

Am I being unreasonable to want her to grow up around her brother? I've never met my biological father and know that I have a few siblings that I've never met and it's something that's really bothered me from a young age so I don't want DD to feel that way. I also worry that she'll resent me when she eventually finds out I could have taken her to meet her brother and decided against it.

Is your EXH her "Dad" for the long haul ....eg is he committed to this until she's 18 . If he is I can kind of see he's worried her knowing may change the status quo especially if you meet someone else. I think children are pretty comfortable with He is my Dad but I have a biological father out there somewhere, provided it is presented to them thoughtfully. At five you and your ex should be telling her this together if possible. The half sibling is a separate issue entirely, by all means introduce the kids and see how it goes . Does bio dad see the sibling still at all?

When I found out I was pregnant my DS bio dad walked out. The bio has a dd from another relationship. A year later I met a man who wanted to be with me and DS. So he became his 'dad'. Our relationship didn't last as I came out as gay and we split quite soon into the relationship but non-bio and I are on great terms he said he wanted to be part of his life and for everything except biology he has been his dad and at 16 DS still has weekly contact and calls him dad. However, right from the start I made sure DS knew that he has non-bio and bio dad and that he has a half sis but that bio dad wasn't around, I was honest about it all and tried to be nonbiaised and not slate his bio.
when ds was 8 his bio showed up out of nowhere and wanted to meet him (and as I will never allow myself to be that person who can be blamed for 'keeping them apart') I eventually consented and they met a few times and when bio eventually disappeared again ds was very grown up about it and said his non-bio was his 'real' dad and coped well. however by being so open and honest about it all ds now knows his older 1/2sis, he met her a few times and then tracked her down on social media and has built a friendship with her and has been able to deal with all the ups and downs with surprising maturity his friend who was in a similar situation but knew nothing has at the age of 16 found it all out and is shattered by the news and is rebelling against his mum and non-bio dad
your ex might not like it but by hiding the truth which will come out one day you are potentially risking a huge backlash and possibly breaking the bond of trust you are building with your dd. i personally don't think its wrong for her to meet her half brother if the opportunity is there especially if they live reasonably close. They don't have to end up best friends, they don't need to like each other and they don't need to love each other like family but its important to be honest from the start.

besides all that I used to have nightmares that ds would come home to say he had met some girl and was in love but it would always turn out to be the 1/2sis - I know, drama queen but we don't control our subconscious

The sooner you tell her about her bio dad the less impact it will have on her. If you wait until she is 'old enough to understand' it will be a bigger deal and like you have kept a big secret from her. She's five now - just get on with it. She probably won't even be that bothered. While for an older child it would be a massive deal.

Trafalgargal yes I think he's definitely going to be her dad for the long haul, he sees her every weekend and hasn't missed this once since we split. He's just getting used to the idea that I have a boyfriend (even though he's been with his new partner for a few months longer than I've been in my relationship) and that if all goes well he'll be living with us eventually.

I've spoken to my ex after reading the replies on this thread and told him I would like us to tell her together some time in the holidays. He isn't happy but it's about what's best for DD, not him.

Also, her biological dad hardly sees DD's brother- once he split with the mum he kept cancelling on days he was supposed to have him.

It will be far easier in the long run if DD knows her own family history. To keep it as a big reveal for when she is older could have far more unpleasant ramifications.

Your ex (who she sees as dad) is her DAD. He is the one who has cared for, etc. That won't change.

The other man is her biological father. She has a right to know this. It isn't to do with your ex's rights and wishes. It isn't to do with the biological father's rights and wishes. It is everything to do with your DD's rights and wishes - and children have a right to know who they are and how they came about.

I've known people who have found out their dad isn't their real dad and it's pretty earth shattering
Whilst I can see why you want her to have a relationship with her half-sibling, you are going about it all wrong and are attempting to trick her into a relationship with her by adding to the deception that her half-sibling is the daughter of a new friend. If she is to meet her, she should meet her knowing who she is, not letting her hang around with a random baby and then doing a big 'reveal' at an undefined later point.

Having worked for social services and with young offenders I've seen it play out countless times and the fallout is devastating for the child.

Bloke moves in with mother when child is an infant, decide they can play happy families and present mum's new bloke as the dad. A number of things happen. The odds on them not finding out about their biological father are slim and in my experience finding out as a teen either by accident or design is the worst. Their teenage years are the time they are trying to come to terms with themselves and their place in the world, suddenly having a central plank of their identity whipped away is hard for them to cope with.

Other ways they have of finding out can be equally hurtful.

1. child hits an awkward stage and playing the big family man isn't so much fun any more. In the midst of a row about the child's behaviour will say something along the lines of '(s)he not my kid anyway you sort it out'

2. The relationship breaks down or he starts a new relationship. Not his kid, not his problem anymore and he walks away from what he now views as the baggage from his past and his son/daughter in all but name is suddenly viewed as his exes' kid.

3. The biological father comes back on the scene and wants contact with his child.

4. Another family member/neighbour/friend let it slip.

I'd start by trying to hugely limit the damage and explaining the situation to your daughter in a sensitive, age appropriate way, emphasising how much both you and ex-husband love her and care for her . Be led by her and don't rush her into this whirlwind of new siblings and whatnot if she isn't ready for it.

I know you said you want to wait for the 'right time' when she's older, but to be blunt? there is no right time. Tell her now. She's young enough to likely not care, but if you wait even two years she'll be very, very angry and hurt.

Is your ex dh still in your daughters life and see her regularly, pay maintenance? Just trying to understand why he's calling the shots on this?

I think it would be nice for the siblings to be in each others lives. My DH has recently just got to know one of his biological sibling's, their both early 40's now. He was adopted and always knew that and has had a lovely upbringing thanks to his adoptive family. One of his siblings reached out and after chatting for six months we all agreed to meet as families and it's been a wonderful experience, my DH has said how weird and nice it is for him to finally meet someone he see's resemblances in and feel a connection to. They get on so well and my kids are thrilled to finally have cousins. Not the same situation as yours I know, however DH's sibling is quite bitter towards bio mother as it turns out she knew where DH was and family name so could have given her that info when they were 18 and they possibly could have met up then.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do but I wouldn't let your ex call the shots on this, this is ultimately your decision to make.

LyndanotLinda you can't just make arbitrary decisions about a kids life and then change your mind when it suits. She is 5, she can say whether or not she wants to go somewhere. OP why is biology suddenly so important now?

I can't believe people think it's nothing to do with ex husband.

He has been this child's father since she was born. The child thinks he is her father. I can see why he is upset.

Though I think you were both wrong. For hiding this.

The child has clearly been upset by the split.

Op how often does she see her dad (your ex h) is he still involved, on the birth certificate?

You say she is unsettled partly due to staying with your mum? Is that a lot?

I had a friend who brought her son up believing his step dad was his dad and it tore the family apart when he found out.

Personally I think, if your Dd is already struggling, throwing 'oh he isn't your real dad and let's go meet your half brother' into the mix isn't going to help.

Your Dd needs to know the truth. But you need to take it slowly. You need to tell her, then give it time before you start introducing her to her brother.

I've spoken to my ex after reading the replies on this thread and told him I would like us to tell her together some time in the holidays. He isn't happy but it's about what's best for DD, not him.

Good on you FatAmy :)

Make that the first step. Then you can cross the bridge of her meeting her half-brother later. But be absolutely clear from the outset what her relationship to him is.

Ayeokthen it's important now because she's got a brother, and I have no reason for keeping him away from DD like I did with her biological dad.

Davos yes he's still involved and sees her once a week. The amount that she's stayed with my mum varies week to week as my timetable changes- at the moment I'm off until the end of September so she's at home all week. Some weeks she was having to stay there 3-4 nights, which wasn't ideal but it's necessary for me to complete my degree.

Adoption really isn't that different. I know several people who were adopted and knew right from the start that they were. None of them have issues with it and all (including my OH) have good relationships with their adoptive parents , the ones who were told later or found out without exception have rockier relationships with their adoptive parents. I do think you are right to tell her now and together. Maybe even get some books on the subject so you and XDH can agree in advance the best way to tell her.

Also I know it was stupid to not tell her from the outset about who her dad was. I was very young when I had her and panicked about the whole situation and thought I was doing what was best for her, although I've realised over time that I was wrong.

This whole situation sounds like a car crash.

You have a child who is unsettled, doesn't know who her father actually is, has seen the man she thinks is her father leave the family home and is then sent to stay with a Grandparent for 3-4 nights a week because you are studying.

And now you want to introduce her to her half brother, who she doesn't know is her half brother because you're bothered about how your family situation bothered you.

Jeremy Kyle would have a field day with you OP. How about actually considering what's best for your daughter?

Chipped I think that comment about Jeremy Kyle was nasty and unnecessary. I am thinking about what is best for my daughter.

No, no, no.

You obviously don't know about the MASSIVE pain you will be causing your poor DD with this lie and betrayal of her trust.

Stop lying this instant and tell your dd the truth.

Why did you do that? If she'd grown up knowing he wasn't her father it wouldn't have been an issue. You have made it in to one.

I'll never understand this.

I'm studying full time and have two children.

You get help with childcare, why are you sending her away for four nights?!

OP, my DNiece believes a man is her father who actually isn't. Her bio father ditched my DSis when she was pregnant. DSis met her now husband in late pregnancy and he has raised DNiece.

The bio father got in touch with DSis when she was about 3 or 4. He wanted to meet his DD. DBIL kicked off and said he wasn't her father, had no right after aLL these years etc. I do see his point, however they did not think about the long term situation then. So they refused bio father's request.

DNiece is now 18 and is still none the wiser. She has had bio grandparents pass away and has 3 half-siblings she's doesn't know about. DSis is trying to pick the right moment to tell her and her biggest regret is not introducing her to her bio father when she was young and would grow up understanding the dynamics of it all.

What in saying is do it now, you'll be doing her no favours by procrastinating on the issue!

Fatmomma she goes to a childminder but I have to leave at 6am to get to uni on some days, which wasn't an issue when ex was living with us as he could drop her off with CM on his way to work. But now she's having to stay with my mum on those days because I can't find childcare that starts early enough.

She should meet her half brother. It is not your ExH's decision to make.

Please don't wait much longer to tell your DD that your exh isn't her biological dad. I found out my dad wasn't my bio dad when I was 19 and it had an awful effect on my mental health for years.

Thank you to the posters who have been constructive and understanding. I am aware that I made a mistake in not telling her, the rude and harsh comments aren't helpful.

9:13 DD (5) has never met her biological father and as far as she is aware her dad is my ex husband

10:20 I've spoken to my ex after reading the replies on this thread and told him I would like us to tell her together some time in the holidays.

Think you need to slow down a bit and consider carefully what is the right thing for you dd. Making and communicating decisions in an hour is a bit rash. Act in haste, repent at leisure. Your ex-dh sounds like a good guy and you want him there as your dd's dad permanently, but you haven't even sat down and discussed this with him properly.

I do think its right your dd understands who the people in her life are when she is young enough to accept it easily, but don't rush it.

After telling her about her biological father and dad, meeting the half-brother can then wait a few weeks/months until the dust has settled.

Some people seem to be responding without actually RTFT. The OP has already said she regrets not telling her DD the truth about her bio father from the start and now plans to tell her so jumping in with judgement and demanding she tells the truth is unnecessary. Have people missed the part where she was protecting her DD from the bio father because he was abusive? Because he's not getting nearly as much judgement on here!