To think that this was not his fault and that she was BU?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Dfriend's niece's birthday party was held recently, big do, all day kind of affair.

Dfriend was due to attend said birthday party with his DS but had to work in the day and would only be able to attend in the evening, around 7pm but was still happy to take DS when he finished work.

His ex said that in that case she would take their DS to the party in the daytime and then leave before Dfriend got there as they had a dentist appointment to take DS to anyway in the afternoon. So it was agreed, in advance, that she would take DS to the party and home again and that Dfriend would come afterwards. All good.

Unfortunately, Dfriend got the day of the party wrong and didn't end up going. Having been asked to stay late at work that day, he gets an angry phone call from his ex asking why he hadn't brought DS home?! She has decided that, because DS wanted to stay later at the party, that Dfriend could just bring him home. Only she didn't mention this to anyone, or contact Dfriend and ask if this was ok, she just assumed it would be. She was then very irate at Dfriend, calling him irresponsible etc.

Aibu or is she? If she had contacted Dfriend and asked him to take DS home, fair enough, but she didn't bother to contact him! Aibu to think this is her fault and actually she was irresponsible for leaving him there just assuming that Dfriend would take him home without arranging it in advance with anyone?

YANBU - your friend is a bit of a tit for getting the date wrong, and it's a bit rude to the party hosts, but he's in no way responsible for the situation with his DS, because he never expected to see him there anyway, since his ex was supposed to be taking him to a dental appt that he obviously then missed!

Yes agree with lemon tress. He has a tiny amount of blame, she a lot more.
But why are you so involved?

He is just a good friend and a good person, and a lot better father than many I know and I find it infuriating that his ex is constantly on his case as if everything even slightly wrong in her (extremely cushy) life, is somehow his fault.

I know in the big scheme of things it isn't a huge deal, especially for me, but it's just frustrating, I often find myself wanting him to tell her to fuck off as she is being so unreasonable (in other situations) but he never does he always just does what she wants, everything has to be her way!

It's their relationship and his ro manage as he sees fit. You are getting half a story. I'm not saying hes not right.

Hang on Testing...

"TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 06-Aug-16 10:49:39
If there was car trouble, traffic etc, father should have contacted mother to seek to agree a different plan."

So if the father changes his plans he has to tell his ex, but if his ex changes her plans she doesn't have to tell him? How is that fair?
I agree it's a communication problem but they are both guilty of not informing the other party of changes.

Good point

He was in the wrong, he didn't go to the party having told them he would definitely be there. She should have been able to rely on him being there.

Why?

If he'd agreed to any childcare arrangements I'd agree he was in the wrong.

This is the sort of thing that used to happen to me and ex all the time. It's no big deal if you get on but it's massive when you don't...
They both fucked up but it shouldn't really be a big deal.

Is no one else wondering what happened to the phantom dentist appointment? The whole reason she wasn't just leaving her son at the party was that he had a dentist appointment. When he 'decided' he wanted to stay at the party, what did the mother do? Just say 'okay, your teeth can rot' and sod off without a word? Seems unlikely.

The ex wife prioritised the party despite it being her weekend, having a prior appointment and it not being her family. I think the least she could expect was that the ex-husband turned up.

"I agree it's a communication problem but they are both guilty of not informing the other party of changes."

Well no, that's not true either. The friend didn't have a change of plan, he got the date of the party wrong - he probably still meant to go on whatever date he thought it was! So there would have been no need to tell anyone anything, because he was still under the impression he was going to the party!

APlace - not a weekend. Weekday.

Oops! Sorry, you're right.

It's his fault IMO I don't think she did anything strange. She left him amongst family to be met by his father. Normal!

There is no way I would leave my DS as a party on his own without checking that the person I'd decided was going to pick him up was fully on board with the change in plans.

He could have not been there for any number of reasons and wouldn't have thought to let anyone know as nobody was relying on him for anything.

I just can't get understand the thought process involved at all.

Friend's ex is in the wrong - she left her son at a party and did not organise a way for him to get home. The friend (child's father) did not know he was supposed to be seeing his child let alone bring him home. Infact he thought he was definitely NOT seeing the child as he was going to a dental appointment so wouldn't be there at all by the time he arrived.

Friend is in the wrong in as far as he got the wrong date and missed the party, and worked late. That is a wrong doing as far as the nice is concerned - it was the niece's party he forgot. He isn't in the wrong for not bring his own child home as he had no way of knowing that the child would still be there or he was meant to bring him home.

Trash it was a family party. I assume she let people know she was leaving in which case he was in their collective care until his dad got there.

He was in the wrong, he didn't go to the party having told them he would definitely be there. She should have been able to rely on him being there.

Why? It's a social event, not a binding commitment. For all she knew he might have got ill, or he might have a work emergency, or he not be able to take his son home because he had something else on that evening. She's not entitled to rely on him being there unless she asked him to take his son home and he agreed.

maybe the dental appointment was for her and she mentioned to someone that they had to go early to attend it and family member said leave him here with us , his dad is coming later.
i think she is in the wrong though i would have to know for deffinate that ex was going to bring him home and not just assume

Stealth That's why I said without checking that the person I'd decided was going to pick him up was fully on board with the change in plans.

I just wouldn't do that to my son or anyone else involved. He had no reason to think he was even going to see his son let alone be responsible for getting him home. He could have had any plans that he'd made for before/after the party that he wouldn't have thought to check because they shouldn't have affected his DS or ex, she changed that not him. You can't just pass that responsibility off without checking first.

Could be 101 reasons as to why she Left the child but it is irrelevant.

The DFriend in this case was not expecting to look after the child, and if the exW changed her mind then she should have made sure that the DFriend hadn't changed his mind about attending and that he was available to collect the child and return him to her house if that is what had been agreed

He was quite within his rights to change his mind, his commitment was to the host not to his exW.

OP you need to forget about her cushy life. That's nothing to do with her ex (or you)