To take DBrother on holiday and not DSister

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

I'm in my early 40's and I have 3 younger siblings in their early 30's

I have 2 Brothers & 1 sister. My eldest brother turned 32 this year and is Autistic, mentally he's around 12 and much much younger emotionally.

He's not very verbal although he can communicate with his hands and the odd word. He lives with my parents, doesn't have any friends as he lives in his own world but he's very happy.

As a teen I always helped take care of him, and I do the same as an adult, I take him to his swimming class every Sunday morning and have done for 10+ years, it gives my elderly parents a nice break and when my parents pass away, he'll most likely move in with me.

Every year my brother goes on holiday with my family, myself, DH plus our 2 DC. I've never invited either of my other siblings on a holiday with us, however we've been on holidays as a family where everyone pays their own way etc

This year my youngest brother, who's 30 & single, no DC etc took elder brother abroad, it was the first time he's taken him abroad alone, just the two of them and they had a great time, difficult but DB1 loved every second & DB2 wants to make it a yearly think as well, for every Easter break.

We're all going to our parents this weekend and my Mother phoned to warn me that my sister is angry at my younger brother & I, for never taking her or her children away.

My sister is 35, she's a SAHP with a DH & 3 children all under 7, they've never been abroad as a family as they just can't afford it, she has asked before if we could take her eldest away with us and I've had to refuse as firstly it would be financially difficult for us to fund another person and secondly my 7 year old nephew is a bit of a terror, I can't keep my attention on my brother & a seven year old, it would just be a difficult trip & not a holiday

She can't compare herself to DB1 as he can't go away on his own or work to pay for his own trip, she has no right to be angry or upset at anyone.

why not just make it clear you think it's inappropriate

Along the lines of 'it isn't appropriate for you to compare our disabled adult brother to your spirited 7yo son. Why would you think you can even do that?'

Your sister. Wow.

Your brother did not ask to be born with autism and require a high level of help and support for the rest of his life. Your parents didn't ask for this either. Nor did you. But you're all making the best of it.

Your sister, OTOH, chose to get married and have children and be a SAHM. These are choices; autism was not a choice. If your sister wants to go on holiday, or have her children go on holiday, she is perfectly capable of getting a job to help fund these wants.

Her wants are not your problem. Tell her where to get off.

Your brother's needs, however, and your elderly parents needs, are your concern to a large degree. And I think you are acting incredibly admirably.

OP, you sound wonderful. Great that your younger brother is stepping up too. Your sister sounds as if she needs her head screwed on a bit more firmly.

your DS is totally unreasonable. she cannot possible compare her own choice not to work and to have 3 DC with the situation of your autistic brother. totally different.

and can I just say you sound lovely OP. I have a child with severe autism and reading your post actually made me well up a tiny bit

I hope my elder daughters will take my youngest away when I am too old to do it OP!

You are an awesome sister to your brother and your sister needs to listen to herself ad realise what she is saying!

Dont feel pushed into it, keep looking out for your brother and give your other brother a pat on the back from me too! 💐

Your sister is being ridiculous and totally unreasonable.

But as we all know, perspective can go straight out of the window in the hot house environment that is family. And it sounds as though your sister has lost sight of reality and being a bit of a bully to you and your db2.

Please DO NOT feel guilty or bad or whatever emotional pressure it is that your dsis is trying to put on to you.

She and her DH are responsible for their lot. Not you or anyone else. And they are living a good life in a nice house which is great.

That you and your db2 are such caring and thoughtful siblings to your other DB is wonderful.
And if your dsis were able to take a step back and see the full picture, I bet she would be embarrassed by her grumbling.

Another wanting to say you sound wonderful Op. Hope things go ok with your sister (& of course YANBU).

I'm really full of admiration for you and your family op. You all sound so loving and supportive, it's lovely to hear about the care you show.

OP you and your dh are great to help with your db. You both sound really kind.
She is an entitled bi**h.
Can anyone make her see sense?
Your dad or other brother if your mum is too soft with her.

She doesn't want us to pay for her holiday, she would like that but she knows that it's never going to happen, she wants us to pay for her sons holiday, our nephew, which somehow she justifies as perfectly reasonable

In that case, and given that you've said she can't cope with three children and DB on holiday, I'd just say....

"Look DSis, I can't afford to pay for DNephew to come on holiday. Nor can I manage three children and DB on holiday together with only two adults - just like you can't. So if you can afford for DNephew and yourself/your DH to join us, you are welcome. But I'm not denying a disabled man a holiday and my DPs a break just because you can't afford a holiday for your DCs"

I think you should give her a head tilt and say
"So you compare parenting a spirited 7 year old with looking after a 35 year old with severe SN and you think you should get a break along the same lines as mum and dad ? ??"

There are plenty of kids who never get to go on foreign holidays. I like many others never got a passport until I turned 17. If your sister wants any of her kids to get foreign holidays it is up to her and DP to fund them and take them. I would not want the responsibility of another child on holiday.

Not to mention I think 7 is still quite young to go away for a whole week without parents. Think worse case kid ends up in hospital how would parents feel about being unable to see their sick child? Would they be able to fund flights and accommodation? Would insurance cover it?

She is missing the point that your parents need a break. Well Done for taking DB with you.

Huffle you and your DB are doing a very generous thing. I see it not so much as taking DB1 on holiday but giving your parents some much needed respite. Caring for a family member with special needs can be exhausting and there is woefully little support for families of adults with special needs. I bet you mum and dad really appreciate the support you and DB give. DS needs to stop being so selfish