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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DBrother on holiday and not DSister

63 replies

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 20:30

I'm in my early 40's and I have 3 younger siblings in their early 30's

I have 2 Brothers & 1 sister. My eldest brother turned 32 this year and is Autistic, mentally he's around 12 and much much younger emotionally.

He's not very verbal although he can communicate with his hands and the odd word. He lives with my parents, doesn't have any friends as he lives in his own world but he's very happy.

As a teen I always helped take care of him, and I do the same as an adult, I take him to his swimming class every Sunday morning and have done for 10+ years, it gives my elderly parents a nice break and when my parents pass away, he'll most likely move in with me.

Every year my brother goes on holiday with my family, myself, DH plus our 2 DC. I've never invited either of my other siblings on a holiday with us, however we've been on holidays as a family where everyone pays their own way etc

This year my youngest brother, who's 30 & single, no DC etc took elder brother abroad, it was the first time he's taken him abroad alone, just the two of them and they had a great time, difficult but DB1 loved every second & DB2 wants to make it a yearly think as well, for every Easter break.

We're all going to our parents this weekend and my Mother phoned to warn me that my sister is angry at my younger brother & I, for never taking her or her children away.

My sister is 35, she's a SAHP with a DH & 3 children all under 7, they've never been abroad as a family as they just can't afford it, she has asked before if we could take her eldest away with us and I've had to refuse as firstly it would be financially difficult for us to fund another person and secondly my 7 year old nephew is a bit of a terror, I can't keep my attention on my brother & a seven year old, it would just be a difficult trip & not a holiday

She can't compare herself to DB1 as he can't go away on his own or work to pay for his own trip, she has no right to be angry or upset at anyone.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 05/08/2016 21:14

Could you tell her that her whole family are welcome to join you if they can afford it? She would have to be very very cheeky to actually come straight out and ask you to pay for her holiday.

Original poster

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 21:14

Oh, right, sorry Rollon, I failed to understand your post. My Mum is too nice to say anything too stern, she always just says to take it up with us.

DB2 will most likely tell her to fuck off as he has done in the past and I'll just repeat my mantra, which is why she always goes running to our mother.

OP posts:

Lweji · 05/08/2016 21:15

She's being very unreasonable, and, yes, entitled and a spoilt brat.

She's responsible for her choices of house and family size. It's on her that her children haven't (yet) been abroad.
That's what you should reply to her.

MammouthTask · 05/08/2016 21:15

In some ways there is a bit of jealousy towards your DB1. She sees him going away on hols and everyone making an effort for him and it looks like no one wants to do the same for her.

I really don't think YABU in doing so. Neither yourself, nor your DB2.

Maybe a way forward would be to emphasize that you are taking him to give your parents a break just like she does when she has him during the day etc... rather as something you do for him/ to make him happpy/as a 'reward' iyswim? So more abut shifting the focus from him and towards your parents and talking about ways that you can all help them cope

MammouthTask · 05/08/2016 21:17

Another point to look at is whether she actually needs some help herself (she did ask yoou to take her 7yo with you after all).
The 7yo is clearly a hand full. Is it his personality, a parenting thing or could he have some SN need himself?

Original poster

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 21:18

She doesn't want us to pay for her holiday, she would like that but she knows that it's never going to happen, she wants us to pay for her sons holiday, our nephew, which somehow she justifies as perfectly reasonable.

OP posts:

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 21:19

I disagree about trying to placate her by passing it off as a break for your parents. Her behaviour and arrogance in feeling so entitled that this angers her, means she needs to be told exactly why she won't be taken anywhere.
How selfish is she that's she's comparing herself to your Db.

MammouthTask · 05/08/2016 21:22

But it's not passing it off as a break. The OP says clearly it IS a break for her elderly parents too.
Why should the OP (and her dsis) put all the emphasis on the pleasure her DB1 is getting and the fact HE is going on hols etc... But forget that the aim is ALSO to give a real to her parents that are still looking after him non stop?
I think this really need to be reminded too.

1Catherine1 · 05/08/2016 21:25

Shocking behaviour... Honesty is the only option. Her child is too much work with everything else and financially you can't be responsible for another.

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 21:28

Someone needs to give her a good dose of truth if she is so selfish she can't see it. You cannot afford to take two people away, and you would prefer to take the one who needs it more. A 7 yr with two parents who are responsible for him can sort that out.

TheAntiBoop · 05/08/2016 21:31

How old are your kids?

Original poster

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 21:33

Mammouth, I don't really understand why she has to be jealous & act on that jealousy, even my 9 year old knows that DB1 gets lots of special things/rules (an extra slice of cake, not getting told off for forgetting to take his shoes off) I'm sure she gets jealous at times & doesn't understand why her grandparents buy toys she would love to play with for her adult uncle but she knows not to act on that jealousy.

OP posts:

Blu · 05/08/2016 21:34

If she starts up just say 'aren't you looking at this from the wrong angle? The question is not why your brother and sister haven't given you a holiday, but why haven't YOU taken older brother on holiday? As the rest of us have done?'.

Original poster

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 21:35

AntiBoop, my DCs are 9 & 11

OP posts:

Sara107 · 05/08/2016 21:38

YANBU. You are your brother's carer when you take him away, not simply paying for his holiday. Plus you are giving your parents a break, it will become increasingly difficult for them to look after him as they get older and occasional respite will help them to keep going. The other brother seems to also appreciate this, and is making a commitment to the care and well-being of his brother. This does not in any way oblige you or him to bankroll your sister's holidays, that is an entirely different set of circumstances. I also think it is a bit unfair on her own children that she has asked you to take one of them away - how would the others feel in the event that their sibling got a lovely holiday and they didn't?

Blu · 05/08/2016 21:38

Oh, I see she does take DC1 out for the day etc.

Just say 'it isn't my responsibility to take DNephrw on holiday. We can't afford it, and I have enough in my hands with my own kids and DB1. I'm on holiday, not running a play scheme'

LilacInn · 05/08/2016 21:42

Does she ever offer to take your children to her home or anywhere else? Of course not, I am sure.

She hasn't a leg to stand on and is very unreasonable. Just ignore. "Sorry but that's not possible." She chose to have a fancy house and numerous children and that tends to rule out extravagant holidays, in reality world.

Btw I'm glad your younger brother has started that tradition; it sounds as though they both will benefit and I am sure it makes your parents very happy to see their eldest being so well cared for. That is the important thing.

insan1tyscartching · 05/08/2016 21:44

Just to say how lovely it is for me to read about you and your brother making time, in your undoubtedly busy lives, to give your brother special experiences. It's something I hope for for my own children with autism when their siblings are able to too.

Glamorousglitter · 05/08/2016 21:48

Your sister sounds massively entitled and spoilt, I m a bit aghast that she would expect you to take her children away on holiday.

Out of interest would she take your brother to stay with her for a week 'holiday' ever ?

I know the reality of paying a high mortgage is tough when you re not able to afford the extras like holidays abroad. But for god sake. Asking to have yor child brought on another holiday!

TheAntiBoop · 05/08/2016 21:48

So as a dynamic it doesn't really work with the kids given their ages.

I think you just need to go broken record 'no we can't manage that practically or financially'

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 21:48

Op your kids sound lovely as well, if at their ages they can understand why certain allowances are made for your Db then why can't your grown adult sister to do the same.
She wants her child to go on holiday , then she must pay for it. Don't indulge her, rather tell her the truth and hope she feels ashamed enough to have a look at herself.

SandyPantz · 05/08/2016 21:49

So your sister sits back and does fuck all to take the pressure of her elderly parents who are also carers.. leaving you and your bro to step up instead, and now SHE wants a "break" from the nowhere near comparable task of parenting her eldest, just because you give your elderly parents a break from relentless lifelong caring! (not that your DB is "relentless" he might be delightful, but caring is still relentless)

She needs to get the fuck over herself!

Your DB is lucky that she is not their only sibling! What would happen then?

Inertia · 05/08/2016 21:50

Your sister's children won't shrivel up from lack of holidays abroad, and providing them is certainly not your responsibility. Your brother has a severe disability, and you taking him on holiday gives your parents some respite. It really isn't on for your sister to expect you to parent her children due to choices she has made - I doubt she'll be passing on any of the equity in her house to your children.

The most diplomatic thing to do is probably to all chip in for a uk family break in a holiday complex or big house, so that all of the family can join in .

LyndaNotLinda · 05/08/2016 21:52

She's jealous of a severely autistic man who is non-verbal and will never live independently. Bloody hell. That is an immense degree of self-absorption.

She has chosen to have three children and a massive mortgage, choices that will never be open to your brother. And that's why she can't go on holiday. Because she has prioritised other things.

Original poster

HufflepuffsAreCool · 05/08/2016 22:05

GlamourG, She'd probably take him for a weekend if she was pushed into it, but not for a week but that's more to do with not being able to cope with all of her kids and DB1which is understandable.

Insan, I think the large age gap between DB1 and myself certainly helped, it made it easier to understand how difficult it was for my parents and made me more eager to help, whereas DSis & DB2 have a very different dynamic, they don't see it as their responsibility which it isn't but as family they still do the best they can.

I'm not taking her child or her family away, I can't afford to even if I wanted too which I don't. She just can't seem to stop comparing her seven year old to DB1, the other two kids are too young for holidays without her.

OP posts:

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