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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect teen DD to come out with us occasionally?

70 replies

Tinklewinkle · 05/08/2016 11:21

DH and I couldn't get much time off work together this summer so a family holiday was out of the question, so we're having lots of family days out instead.

DD1(14) never wants to do anything with us.

We've got plans for local days out, and a few big days out (Thorpe Park, London). I've asked both kids for ideas and suggestions as to what they want to do

She sees her friends a couple of times a week which is fine, but today for example, she has no plans, she wants some make up bits, DD2 needs some bits so I suggested lunch out and a mooch round the shops.

DD2 (11) is up for it, but DD1 doesn't want to, but can I get her make up for her.

We were all going on an adventure day tomorrow - mountain boarding, paddle boarding, that sort of thing, but despite initially being enthusiastic she's now refusing to come.

She's fine at home, but I just feel mean leaving her alone.

We have a budget to spend on activities this summer and I want to spend it fairly across the board and spend some time together, so I'm tying myself up in knots trying to find stuff she wants to do, but getting shot down with a flat out "no" every time.

Is it really that unreasonable to expect her to make a bit of an effort?

Lunch and a bit of shopping may not be the most exciting activity in the world, but it won't kill her

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 06/08/2016 09:45

No, she's not on her period.

I do understand the worry that she'll see her friends while out with us - well, I say understand, I don't really, I just go along with it but her friends virtually live in our house sometimes, they're here for sleepovers, we feed them, etc. they know who we are, if I see them when we're out and about they all say hello, so it all seems quite odd to me, but anyway, today for example, highly unlikely to see any friends and if we do they'll be there with their own families taking part in the activities, yesterday we went to a different town, so again, highly unlikely to see any friends.

As someone said up there ^^, I suppose I feel guilty that I'm spending a lot more time and money on DD2 - especially when DD1 throws at me that DD2 is my favourite, it's not fair, etc, etc

OP posts:

CodyKing · 06/08/2016 09:46

Can you include a friend for DD1 to tag along?

They would enjoy a theme park much more with a mate than parents I think

MrsJayy · 06/08/2016 09:47

You know how they say on here It will pass it will pass. Does shecsay why she wont join in ?

rollonthesummer · 06/08/2016 09:48

I, on the other hand, am cool as fuck. Everybody says

That really made me laugh!! Love it-you sound it !

We are just entering the zone of parental embarrassment with our two-all good fun!!

rollonthesummer · 06/08/2016 09:50

As someone said up there ^^, I suppose I feel guilty that I'm spending a lot more time and money on DD2 - especially when DD1 throws at me that DD2 is my favourite, it's not fair, etc, etc

She can't have it both ways though, surely? You spend less time and money with her as she won't come out with you?!

snapcrap · 06/08/2016 09:50

I have a 14 year old.

She is the same.

It's life, it's normal! Don't you remember being 14? My parents became less and less significant or interesting to me from age 13 to early 20s, then you come back again!

My dd would die if friends saw her with us, I always say don't you realise that other kids actually do go places with their parents but it doesn't help! Again, totally normal and a part of finding your independence and your way in the world, realising you are separate from your parents.

What I do is what others are suggested really. Let her be a mopey teen but insist on some outings. Ratio of about 70/30 in her favour.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 06/08/2016 09:51

Yes, she's bringing a friend when we go to Thorpe Park - the same friend that she'd die of embarrassment if we bumped into when in town

They are so odd aren't they

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 06/08/2016 09:54

She can't have it both ways though, surely? You spend less time and money with her as she won't come out with you?!

Yep.

I think trying to talk to her about anything is like trying to stuff an octopus into a string bag - she's very yeah but/no but/random stuff that has no relevance/it's not faaaaiiiirrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

mummytime · 06/08/2016 09:56

I have been known to make my teens come with us (I strong armed DD to come on holiday for example).
BUT for meals out/shopping etc. there have been times where we either: took back routes and only did the essentials, or went to another town, or I did it alone. As they really hated being seen. I don't get it, as friends come to our house/have known us for years etc. But it seems to be a thing, it is much easier if it's away from home territory though.

Does your DD have any health issues? Because I sometimes feel tired and just don't have the energy to be too active - but my DD might come along if she could just sit at the side and veg rather than join in (and then when there might join in).

Mooingcow · 06/08/2016 09:58

Why out all the time?

Bring the mountain to Mohammed as were.

Do stuff in the house with her, bake something complicated, try face packs for her skin, ask her recommendation for Netflix and watch it, do up her room, have a change around, new bed linen, paint a wall, hang photos etc.

If she doesn't fancy your company, find a kid that does and leave her alone.

Save the guilt for when she's with you against her wishes. Today, she's doing what she wants. Off you go and have a blast and know that even by worrying and talking about this, you are a far, far kinder and more thoughtful mother than many others. and icecream!

rollonthesummer · 06/08/2016 09:58

Yep-that sounds familiar!

I have to say that DS (nearly 15) is much easier and less stroppy than DD (13). Is that a boy/girl thing or just personality. Life is very unfair for DD it would seem!!

DS loves being with friends but isn't too bothered about being seen with us. Maybe he hasn't hit the horrible teen bit yet-he still likes spending time with us and will still give me a hug!! He is generally pretty thoughtful and considerate. DD on the other hand... .

Do boys hit the grumps later or might he miss it altogether (clutching at straws?!)

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/08/2016 09:59

My DDs would never have gone to a theme park with me and DH at the age of 14, we were just asked to drop off and pick up.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/08/2016 10:00

Don't understand why you feel terrible though, you've offered to take her lovely places and it's her decision not to go. Leave her and enjoy it. I do get why you'd prefer her around though.

AmyC86 · 07/08/2016 23:20

I remember when it was the school holidays when I was 12/13. I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have lived quite far away from where I lived & it was too far for a 12/13 year old to walk or use public transport too.

I vividly remembered that my Mum didn't have any time off work during this particular holiday time (dad was a stay at home Dad) so myself and my two younger siblings where based at home for the whole of the holidays.

My Dad was also a full time carer for my nan & had to pop around there 3 or 4 times a day, my youngest sister went with my Dad all the time (she was only 4) and my other sister did a mixture of staying at home with me or going with Dad.

I vividly remember that I couldn't think of anything worse than to hang around with my Dad at my Nans for the majority of the day (my nan had alzhiemers, which also didn't make it any better). So for the WHOLE summer holidays I stayed in the house playing on computer games. When I went with my mum for school uniforms the week before term started in September I remember feeling so anxious & everything was so loud and bright. I remember my heart hammering inside my chest. I didn't know why I felt like that at the time, but after reflection, now I realise. It didn't help that my Dad throughout the holidays didn't push me to even do anything.

chaplin1409 · 08/08/2016 09:17

I have a 14 year old boy and 15 year old girl and feel your pain. Mine are more than happy to be seen with us but sometimes well most of the time can't be bothered to actually leave the house.

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead · 08/08/2016 10:22

14 is a weird age, I was exactly the same. I loved being around my parents at home but outside the house I didn't want to be seen with them. They never did anything embarrassing.. but I just wanted to feel grown up and being with my mum made me feel like a child, especially as I still looked like one. At that age we really don't want to feel like a child! I didn't want to leave the house too much either. At 16/17 it changed because I felt more grown up and looked more adult, so I could be friends with her outside the house again Just ride it out, she'll come back.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 08/08/2016 10:37

My DDs would never have gone to a theme park with me and DH at the age of 14, we were just asked to drop off and pick up.

Our nearest theme park is at least 2 hours away, and as the rest of us want to go too, she either comes with us and goes off with her friend when we get there, or she doesn't go.

She doesn't have any health issue. I took her to the doctors a little while ago - she was constantly complaining about feeling ill and sick so they gave her a complete once over - blood tests, the works. She's fine.

She spent the whole of yesterday in the house again - gorgeous day here and we live in a holiday area so there's about a million things to do but she didn't want to do anything. It's a complete pain though as it's like we can't do anything spontaneously - we had a lovely day and wanted to go out for dinner and stay out in town, except DD1 was at home, we had nothing quick or easy she could make in the house so we ended up coming home earlier than we wanted and bringing a takeaway back.

I'm back at work now so she's now got a whole week to fester, it would have been nice to spend some time with her while we had the chance.

OP posts:

Floisme · 08/08/2016 10:51

I agree with the suggestion of finding something low key (and probably housebound) that you can do together. I've spent the last couple of years watching football, Top Gear and Storage Hunters with my teen. It was a way of spending a bit of time with him and actually not half as boring as watching Thomas the Tank when he was a toddler.

Admittedly I like football!

mummytime · 08/08/2016 12:53

Well if you want to be spontaneous then make sure there are some microwave meals/simple meals in the house for the future.
Games can be fun at this age (actually I must pack Pandemic for our little holiday).

Just because the tests were clear doesn't mean she isn't ill - just look at all the people on the health board. A MultiVitamin is often useful, as is making sure she gets enough sleep.

tinkywinkyshandbag · 08/08/2016 13:07

I have a 14 yo DD just like this. She will come out with us if we go out individually and is happy and chatty, just not so keen on family outings (unless lunch is involved, or shopping). Her sister aged 11 is still happy to do most things. I think older DD just prefers having "special time" with either me or her Dad, she just finds trailing round as a foursome a bit of a bore. She is even happy to go to a garden centre if she is with just one parent and can be bribed with cake! Could you do a bit of divide and conquer so that everybody gets a bit of something they want? I think offering to take a friend is a good compromise to be honest. Also I think spending hours inside in your room is pretty normal at that age, I know I used to.

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