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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect teen DD to come out with us occasionally?

70 replies

Tinklewinkle · 05/08/2016 11:21

DH and I couldn't get much time off work together this summer so a family holiday was out of the question, so we're having lots of family days out instead.

DD1(14) never wants to do anything with us.

We've got plans for local days out, and a few big days out (Thorpe Park, London). I've asked both kids for ideas and suggestions as to what they want to do

She sees her friends a couple of times a week which is fine, but today for example, she has no plans, she wants some make up bits, DD2 needs some bits so I suggested lunch out and a mooch round the shops.

DD2 (11) is up for it, but DD1 doesn't want to, but can I get her make up for her.

We were all going on an adventure day tomorrow - mountain boarding, paddle boarding, that sort of thing, but despite initially being enthusiastic she's now refusing to come.

She's fine at home, but I just feel mean leaving her alone.

We have a budget to spend on activities this summer and I want to spend it fairly across the board and spend some time together, so I'm tying myself up in knots trying to find stuff she wants to do, but getting shot down with a flat out "no" every time.

Is it really that unreasonable to expect her to make a bit of an effort?

Lunch and a bit of shopping may not be the most exciting activity in the world, but it won't kill her

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 05/08/2016 16:17

She's not your friend, she's your daughter. Why should she have to "entertain" you? At 14 she is old enough to be responsible for her own amusements and to decide what she wants to do. She's not a toddler to be dragged round there and everywhere just cos you think it's "family time" Just leave her alone.
(Can you tell I was the teenager who just wanted to be left alone to read in peace and loathed having to do "family stuff"? )

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 05/08/2016 16:33

I'm really not making many demands on her.

She's seen her mates a couple of times this week and she's had a couple of days of festering in her room.

When we go into town, we always go the bigger town a bit further away rather than local town where they all hang about so there's less chance of her bumping into anyone she knows.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 05/08/2016 16:42

MrsJayy - I can relate to that, DS is horrified if I mention I have met any of his friends, who all seem quite happy to say 'hello' to me nicely although I must be making some form of social faux pas by even speaking to them. Fortunately my friends all tell me that my DS is perfectly charming and gracious to them when they meet him so why is he such an arse towards his own parents.

Babyzoo - I don't have teens yet but I think I'd make her go and perhaps she would enjoy it once she's out - good luck with that, do come back and tell us when you have teens how you make them go out with you.

Floisme · 05/08/2016 16:43

I have an 18 year old who's just coming out of the other side of this.

For five years he spent most family holidays staying behind in the hotel room. To begin with I used to argue and get quite upset about it but my husband persuaded me that he'd be fine and to give him space.

This year, not only did he come away with us when we gave him the option not to, but he came out with us quite a lot of days.

So as long as she's safe, I would let her stay behind and give it time.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 05/08/2016 16:50

I was the same when I was 14. I never wanted to be anywhere with my parents. They were boring - said by the 14YO who stayed in her bedroom playing the same cassette over and over again

I have all this to come. Cant wait

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 05/08/2016 19:30

Euphemia It's now my idea of a lovely afternoon out to go to a garden centre and have tea and cakes out . How times change!

Tabsicle · 05/08/2016 20:01

Euphemia - oh god! I remember my poor mother just giving up on me mid garden centre and kicking me back out to the car.

Twenty years later, I just spent two hours wandering round a garden centre.

sonlypuppyfat · 05/08/2016 20:05

DS is 17 I can't move for him he follows me around the house talking to me ALL THE TIME. I love him to bits

MrsJayy · 05/08/2016 20:05

Ragwort I think she thought i was going to a skip over a cheery HIYA and have a full conversation

panegyricS1 · 05/08/2016 20:07

I was like this as a teen and it's pretty normal. I think that as long as you ensure that they do things that are important (such as visiting elderly relatives) it's ok.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 06/08/2016 08:45

I used to hate garden centres as a teen, still do!

My grandparents used to have to stop for a cup of tea every 5 minutes, except my grandad used to have a gas bottle in the boot of his car and he'd brew up wherever the fancy took him (garden centre car parks/hard shoulder of the motorway). That was excruciating! Although I'd give anything to be sitting in a garden centre car park with him and his gas bottle again.

Anyway, she's utterly refusing to come out today so sod it, we're going without her. I feel terrible about it, but the rest of us were looking forward to it and I'm fed up with arguing.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 06/08/2016 08:48

My DD was like that at 14, at 18 and off to uni she loved seeing us. It's a phase that lots go through.

mrsfuzzy · 06/08/2016 08:56

aren't some teens lovely ? op mentioned her dd was 'spotty' may be that's a reason why she doesn't want to go out, but ime of 6 teens past and currently they like their 'caves' and going out with dm -thanks but not through choice, i'm not down enough with the kids, sadly mums are not their dcs friends in that respect, the dynamics only really change into a friendship when they are adults. after all you wouldn't tell your best friend to go and tidy their room or they're grounded [sorry i'm waffling.......]

mrsfuzzy · 06/08/2016 09:01

pane my dsc [adults] never see their gp [my ils] unless my dc goes with them, totally ridiculous imo. seems rather selfish on their part.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 06/08/2016 09:12

I was like that as a teen. I just wanted to be left alone to read in peace.

Reall pisses me off now when I look back that my mum wouldn't respect that, and dragged us all round in pursuit of some mythical family fun. I had bad acne, and often had period pains and cramps and low energy levels. Just usual teenage hormones stuff, but it meant I just wasn't up for the same kind of day out that I might have enjoyed age 8.

I did really enjoy the peace and quiet when they went out though.

JockTamsonsBairns · 06/08/2016 09:17

Oh, I do love a garden centre now! Twas my birthday last month, and DM and I went for lunch at Dobbies - it's was fab . I'm 43 now though, maybe I wouldn't have enthused as much about it at 14.

OP, you keep saying you feel 'bad' and 'mean' for leaving her behind, and I don't really get this. She's entitled to choose whether she comes or not surely? She's chosen not to come, that's fine, crack on and enjoy your day. Let her know she's welcome to come on days out as and when they happen, and if she wants to stay at home, leave her be. 14 is a funny age, as other pp's have said and, you never know, she may decide herself to join in once the cajoling stops. My dd1 is 18 now, and I'm feeling a bit surprised at how often she's coming along on family days out now. I've got two much younger dcs, and we planned an outing to a WW2 museum last week - I invited dd1 out of politeness more than anything, and was quite shocked when she said she'd like to come! She even bought herself a 'slinky' at the gift shop

SouthWestmom · 06/08/2016 09:18

Dd is 17 and will do stuff with me as long as it is shopping for clothes and makeup in London. And as long as I look okay.

She will not do a family outing unless it's a meal out and she needs to eat.

She will go out with friends.

She will not do days out with the little ones at all unless it's really really rate and exciting - possibly a zoo.

I think, sadly, this is normal.

DS is 13 and will do days out of there is something in it for him (shopping) or if he feels guilty about not coming (knows it's a rare day off for me for example).

dingit · 06/08/2016 09:20

14 does seem the worst age. On holiday now with 14 year old still in bed ( we are an hour ahead). He is 15 next week and there are glimpses of a nice boy again. Dd is nearly 18, and can revert back. She's nice today, and by the pool with me

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 06/08/2016 09:27

I suppose it feels a bit like Cinderella being left at home.

Today, for example, she was really enthusiastic when we first booked it, and I'm sure she'd love it if she gave it a go (from experience, she enjoys activity type stuff) so it feels like she's missing out.

I know it's her choice to stay home, but I still feel guilty for leaving her at home.

Last night we decided to go out for dinner and she refused to come. DH, DD2 and I were having a lovely dinner while she was home alone. It just doesn't feel right

We have got some big days out planned that she suggested and wanted to do - Thorpe Park, London, etc, so fingers crossed she comes to those

OP posts:

JemimaMuddledUp · 06/08/2016 09:30

DS1 is almost 14 and we are definitely entering this stage now. I'm trying to be chilled out about it. I don't force him to do anything (apart from our family camping holiday - even if he'd decided he didn't want to do that it was non negotiable) but I do ask for suggestions from him as to what he'd like. We've had a couple of quite surprising suggestions - including a day out on the train to a museum and going to watch a live broadcast of Romeo and Juliet! He'll come out for a walk to the nature reserve with us, or a long bikr ride with his dad. He'll go to watch the football with his dad, but often goes off with his friends once he gets there. But a lot of the time he doesn't join us on trips to the cinema etc.

I do feel slightly guilty that I'm spending more time with and more money on his siblings this summer (DS2 is 12 and DD us 10) as they want to do far more days out and "activities". But I'm also trying to respect the fact that DS1 is growing up and that he wants to spend time with his friends and girlfriend rather than with us as a family.

Possibly next year only DD will want to go anywhere with us!

bigchangesabound · 06/08/2016 09:33

Just a thought. Could it be that she's on her period now and doesn't feel comfortable doing those activities at this time?

junebirthdaygirl · 06/08/2016 09:35

Remember my ds at that age. Terrified he'd meet his friends while out with his mum. We were going on holidays and stopped in a city a long way from home for lunch. He said can l get some new clothes. He was so happy assume sure no one knew him. We were buying away as could never get him into a shop. Suddenly he went pale and said can we go. He had spotted a boy from school he barely knew out with his family. I had to run stuff through the cash desk as he fled to the car. That really made me see what an ordeal it was for him as he had been so happy and cheerful moments before.
Teens really suffer. Good news is it ends. Keep the channels open and grab those moments.

MorrisZapp · 06/08/2016 09:41

I find this all very complicated. I remember being literally in pain with mortification if anybody saw me with my parents at that age. But objectively speaking, my parents are embarrassing :) I love their company now but they're still bloody outrageous and my sister and I still cringe sometimes even in our forties!

I, on the other hand, am cool as fuck. Everybody says it. Yet even at the age of five my son prefers me not to engage his friends in conversation when we bump into them, and it's even worse if I speak to their mums or dads.

Aargh!

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