need advice asap re 20y ds am getting desperate

[mrsfuzzy]

posted on here for traffic as am getting desperate as to what to do will try not to drip feed, deep breath, here goes;
has been out of work a year post college, signs on does the very mim of job searches, help around the house, doesn't really speak to rest of the household [4 sibs older teens / one is 21] unless its about gaming -spends hours and hours on gaming . doesn't wash unless pushed, doesn't go out unless he wants something from the local shop i.e food, has been to the gp and put on 'time to talk' phone counselling as hates talking face to face, but gave that up after five or six sessions as'it's not helping' probably won't take prescribed tablets unless pushed. no friends, drugs and alcohol isn't the problem.
was very chatty as a child, but has grown quieter as he has got older and more with drawn, i think it's depression but he won't talk to gp and as i said before unlikely to take meds anyway.must be doing the very bare mim for job search as not sanctioned yet [it's only a matter of time].
as a family we are trying to support him as much as we can, pointing out jobs, college courses, voluntary work etc but it all goes over his head. he went to an interview the other day [his first] and seemed interested in the job but when he came back he had a faint whiff of b.o -hadn't showered and was wearing the same clothes from the previous day.
he is paying a small amount of rent from job seekers which we agreed on and he is comfortable with.
the shite has been hitting the fan though recently due to the lack of inactivity on his part, 2 sibs are in college and working part time, they contribute to the finances [through choice] but are increasing annoyed that he does nothing all day except game. 1 sib is looking for part time work whilst in college and dh works f/t but has health issues so needs to cut back, i am so worried about ds, everyone has been so patient with him but it's like talking to a brick wall and now recently it's a case of enough is enough.
what do we do ? have asked him on many occasions if there are problems - no, gives same answer to ds3 [ they are close], have tried to help with the job applications on line etc [he is v. tech savvy] but does not push himself to do more. it's making me so unhappy for him and the rest of the household v.. please help us

probalby was a bit harsh. may be mh issues, aspergers and so forth but you don't mention that. my friend's son maybe had issues, but i don't think it was of any help to let him play on his x box all day (and night).

Some great advice on here, OP, from people who've gone through similar stuff.
I'm firmly in the "softly softly" camp. Please don't ask him for more money or forcibly stop his gaming. It could well have an adverse effect.
My very best wishes.

game plan ; apt with gp /note briefly explaining situation to assist.
try a daily schedule with master fuzzy re; showering etc.
will encourage to go out once a day on small errand to local shop.
will organise a small reduction in internet time to get him doing something else, he likes reading 'warhammer' type stories and goes to the cinema by himself / older sibs. [def encorage that one]
will pass on the suggestion re; skilling up at college with more computer stuff [ he would love a career in computing/game formation].

thanks so much to everyone for you input, insight and experiences on the subject, stuff like this happens and you can feel so isolated but it's so reassuring to know that there are others in the same boat. i feel a lot more positive now , will share this with family and l really think we can move forward to a better and happier future.
will check on this later in case anyone else posts, you are all fantastic a BIG thank you on behalf of the fuzzy family.

I've had serious issues with 20 year old DD for five years. Young Minds charity were extremely helpful.

Remote the broadband router at certain times of day. Tell him you are doing that.
Make sure he hasn't got a dongal etc he can get on line with.

Make sure he isn't in debt? Or worried about something? He isn't too old to be bullied bless him.

Above all try to talk to him.

Good luck op

Mrs fuzzy when you go to the GP appointment I wouldn't worry too much about sitting in if your son is happy for you to do so. It would be helpful for the GP to know about his sibling's ASD and your bi-polar disorder.

Your plan to help your son get out more is brilliant. Behavioural activation is one of the most effective treatments for depression.

Do you know which of your GPs might be most receptive to making the appropriate referral? With MH provision there is a gap between IAPT and secondary MH services with nothing offered in between in most areas. It sounds as if your son has tried to engage with IAPT and needs something a little more robust.

I think you sound very caring and compassionate.

DD has/is still suffered with depression/anxiety. Getting a part-time job has, she says, been invaluable for her as she has had to get herself together enough to do it. Also a childhood 'friend ' (much younger than me) whose mother my mother is very friendly with who suffers with MH problems, his mother now says that she was much too indulgent with him when he was younger and feels that he would have had a much more independent life, had she been stronger with him. She, the mother, is now in the process of having to deal with the difficulty of what may happen to this man of 50 when she and her husband die. She really doesn't know what to do as he has always been so dependent on her and her DH.

I think the fact that you're doing something is great. Some of the suggestions above are fantastic.

For our DD and us, a bit of tough love on the odd occasion has been good, even though it may have been difficult at the time. I really wish you and your family the best of luck in the future

a small thing but master fuzzy engaged with db4 and me with a tricky cross word puzzle this evening and we had fun and actually laughed together for the first time in ages . he has read you posts and was rather emotional as 'complete strangers are being so kind and caring' - set me off again for the upteemth time today !

That is so good to read. You sound an amazing mum. Good luck

Another thought - would he go to any of the insomnia type shows( nec Birmingham August) full of real life gamers? Something to plan/ look forward to?

I can't comment from experience of parenting , as I have young daughters. However I can say to both you and your ds that at his age I felt very adrift, and could have done with more help and support from my parents. I'm sure they would have given it, i was just too embarrassed to ask (I had left home). I think that the transition stage to a true independent adult can be hard, and it isn't unusual to feel overwhelmed and stuck. OP you sound a lovely caring person, you obviously love your son very much and want to help him be happier and more fulfilled. OP's ds- sometimes moving forward in life can seem to involve such huge shifts that staying put is easier. One way of dealing with this is to just do one very small thing that will make a tiny difference. Just one. Then bit by bit build on that. Don't think about it too much, just make one small change. It sets everything in motion. Good luck both of you.

Just a thought about the gaming: I say this as someone who used to love immersive gaming but has had to step away from it due to the impact on my life: it becomes a substitute activity and is designed to allow you/encourage you to achieve things within the game so you have a 'high' and sense of achievement/satisfaction from it: so much so that you can start to neglect the other satisfactions and demands in life. For me certain game styles are pretty immersive and I start to ignore other cues, time passes really fast and I get to the end of the day and have achieved nothing in the real world. I am sure it doesn't affect everyone this way and there are many positives to online and interactive gaming but for me I found the negatives insidiously started to outweigh the positives . ufvcascade.ca/2015/02/04/the-false-sense-of-achievement-in-video-gaming-can-lead-to-addiction/

I think understanding this has driven me away from immersive gaming: I blocked, got rid of everything and started living by a clock for a few weeks to get back to a reasonably regular lifestyle, sleep pattern and exercise and start to respond to cues normally. I strictly avoid gaming now that I have children and a demanding job because I know that if I get hooked on something I could end up playing the same way I did when I was a student, to the detriment of everything else, again.

Perhaps this is just my personality and not everyone has such gaming self control issues: and making the choice to stop gaming was entirely mine and thus easier to follow than an enforced ban but it is a thought to raise with him: would a period of no or reduced playing and a routine to tune back in to the life that everyone else in the house is leading eg chores, washing etc may help him in the long run.

i haven't read the other replies so i might just be repeating stuff here.

I'm currently on the waiting list to get a diagnosis for ASD (I got very high "marks" on the pre-assessment...), I have depression and quite severe anxiety which affects me socializing/going outside.

What you've described about your son sounds very similar to how I was when things were really bad, I sat at my computer all day gaming and generally avoiding any responsibilities and people. I wouldn't talk to anyone including my family, wouldn't shower for days etc... You basically get stuck in a rut, it's a way to comfort yourself. You could try to cut off the internet etc but I think you might find this solves nothing and causes resentment towards you.

When it comes to ASD people can need a set routine so that could explain why your son isn't taking care of his personal hygiene, but this could also be a case of depression.

It will be a good idea to write things down that you are seeing and show it to a GP. My main advice to you though is not to push him TOO much. A little here and there. When people were trying their best to help me they would be too full on to the point it was extremely uncomfortable for me and I ended up avoiding them and ignoring the advice.

Good luck

Reading this thread has made me see why I loved MN so much when I first came across it. The advice on here is so insightful and empathic. I hope it works out for your son mrsfuzzy

I second Didactylos.

I live with a gamer and know a lot of hardcore gamers (to levels of addiction that have become dangerous to their lives. I expect one of them to make a fatal error during the day because they are so sleep deprived) . When I read your op, the first thing I thought was that the problem is the gaming.

Obsessive gaming can turn your life upside down very quickly; it rewires your brain and your reality. And a lot of the consequences of gaming addiction can appear to be symptoms of some other health problem.

Until he stops the gaming, in my experience, it will be impossible to see whether there is an underlying issue.

I'd consider setting him a challenge. If he doesn't game for a week, he can have X (something he wants). If he can't do this, then you know the gaming is embedded into him, either as a coping mechanism or an addiction.

In my experience, any treatment for a mental health issue won't work while he obsessively games. It's like trying to treat treat infected cut with a plaster soaked in raw sewage.

master fuzzy sleeps well, he's not a late night gamer - his 2db share a room with him and they would know [grass him up - but he looks pale because he doesn't go out enough. will have a chat with him about possibly going back to college and may be doing something in creative media /or the like there is a course that does a lot relating to computing programs etc.

thank you to recent posters, will look into the birmingham gaming thing the, he needs to be doing different things, but it must be said that he doesn't get irritable or angry if he can't game, i think he sees it as a means of escape from every day life.

OP I think your action plan so far is spot on. You're doing a great job being such a supportive mum and being there for him, which during a time like this makes all the difference.

Could you socialise with him? Take him out for a meal, go to the theatre, cinema, take him to the pub etc?

cinema and lunch would be a good option mad he goes to the cinema with sibs on occasions. i'm going to mention that, thank you and to you over thank you for the flowers.