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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to reward one child and not the other?

66 replies

OohMavis · 05/08/2016 08:48

Apparently I'm being mean spirited!

DD (2.5), a stubborn former co-sleeper, has been on a crash-intensive sleeping-in-her-own-bed course for the past few weeks (baby number three is imminent). She hasn't managed to stay in her bed all night once. Until last night

I've been telling her that if she stays in her bed like a big girl she can have a magazine as a reward. She's very invested and came trotting in this morning at 7, knowing she'd succeeded, asking for it.

DS (6) is sad. He wants a magazine too. I've said no, because he has a collection he adds to every fortnight without fail, and besides this is a one-off for DD as a reward for sleeping in her bed, which is a huge accomplishment for her.

DH thinks I'm being mean-spirited and that I should buy him something too. I don't think I should.

Surely DS has to learn that they can't have everything the same, when it's not the same situation? I don't do sibling gifts on birthdays either for this reason. DD watches DS open his fortnightly collection with wide-eyed wonderment and has nothing, why is this any different?

Who is BU?

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 05/08/2016 11:23

Just watch him for negative behaviour when she gets her treat.

I agree with others that you shouldn't reward him for something she did. Especially after he resented the mere idea that she would get a treat. He needs to learn to be generous and share, particularly as child 3 is on the way and your attention will be diluted.

JinkxMonsoon · 05/08/2016 11:39

I think he needs to learn that lesson, especially after the display of mean-spiritedness Smile

I can foresee things like this in my future as well. My DD (nearly five) is horribly spoiled by her grandparents and would HATE it if her little brother got a treat and she didn't (as it stands at the moment SHE gets all the treats and random gifts and he misses out because he's just a baby).

Original poster
OohMavis · 05/08/2016 12:21

Give him a small goal to achieve and reward him. It's hard being an older brother of a little sister. She will always be the cute youngest and will have an easier life.

FIL, is that you?!

Magazine bought, absolutely no fuss made after a little chat about graciousness graciousness this morning. He's even helping her do the cutting out so she can stick bits down Smile DH has taken it all back.

OP posts:
Original poster
OohMavis · 05/08/2016 12:22

Graciousness needed to be added twice there apparently.

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 05/08/2016 12:22

When one of my dds earns a reward I generally reward them both to celebrate. I'm talking small things here like some chocolate buttons etc. It means they are more inclined to support and encourage each other and not resent each other's success.

Original poster
OohMavis · 05/08/2016 12:27

Hmm. I think that's all well and good until its physically impossible to reward one for the other's success, though. And what if the one who earned the reward would like it for once to be all about them?

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 05/08/2016 12:28

Great news OP!

NatalieRushman · 05/08/2016 12:33

A brilliant resolution OP. Now that is what I call good parenting Grin

MrsJayy · 05/08/2016 12:41

Job done Mavis Grin

mygorgeousmilo · 05/08/2016 13:34

YANBU and I would tell your older child that they were also rewarded for doing XYZ..... I would reward one and not the other, for different reasons/age groups/activities

ApocalypseSlough · 07/08/2016 09:46

Special you ffsed me! Grin
Maybe I'm forgetting but although the suggestion about non onerous task and rewarding it my 3 dcs weren't treated fairly- I was very much of the 'it all comes out in the wash' mindset and they now each have seasons of being treated and it's never equal. They're old now and it'd be interesting to hear how they feel- they're all away on unequal but fantastic summers so I can't ask!

SanityClause · 07/08/2016 10:00

I'm pleased it's all turned out well.

Fair isn't the same as equal, at all, which is a good thing for your DS to learn.

I have to say, though, a few years ago I encouraged bribed two of my DC to go to a touch typing class, by giving them a small packet of Haribo at the end of each session.

My eldest DC had previously learnt to touch type by voluntarily going to lunchtime lessons at school at the age of about 7.

So, I gave her the sweets, too, after each lesson. Otherwise, it just seemed like they were being rewarded for being reluctant, and she had not been rewarded for using initiative.

Mycraneisfixed · 07/08/2016 10:01

Well done op.

DollyBarton · 07/08/2016 10:03

Your 6yr old is not part of the situation with your dd's sleep training. I think it's fine not to get him anything and for him not to benefit from your dd's hard work.

As long as there are things he gets that she doesn't when it's relevant only to him. But I think it's an important life lesson.

DollyBarton · 07/08/2016 10:04

Just tell him he doesn't need a reward for dd skewing through and that when he was little and learning these things he got his rewards.

DollyBarton · 07/08/2016 10:04

Just read back, good outcome OP.

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