Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to reward one child and not the other?

66 replies

OohMavis · 05/08/2016 08:48

Apparently I'm being mean spirited!

DD (2.5), a stubborn former co-sleeper, has been on a crash-intensive sleeping-in-her-own-bed course for the past few weeks (baby number three is imminent). She hasn't managed to stay in her bed all night once. Until last night

I've been telling her that if she stays in her bed like a big girl she can have a magazine as a reward. She's very invested and came trotting in this morning at 7, knowing she'd succeeded, asking for it.

DS (6) is sad. He wants a magazine too. I've said no, because he has a collection he adds to every fortnight without fail, and besides this is a one-off for DD as a reward for sleeping in her bed, which is a huge accomplishment for her.

DH thinks I'm being mean-spirited and that I should buy him something too. I don't think I should.

Surely DS has to learn that they can't have everything the same, when it's not the same situation? I don't do sibling gifts on birthdays either for this reason. DD watches DS open his fortnightly collection with wide-eyed wonderment and has nothing, why is this any different?

Who is BU?

OP posts:

ConkerTriumphant · 05/08/2016 09:55

No way he'd be getting a treat from me!

I treat my children equally, but I don't treat them the same

BorpBorpBorp · 05/08/2016 09:56

I got a reward once at about age 6 for doing nothing at all while my brother helped with a big cleaning job, because DM knew I would throw a tantrum if he got something and I didn't. I still threw a massive tantrum, because he got a king-size mars bar and I 'only' got a regular size one.

Stick to your guns. He has opportunities to earn rewards, he doesn't need to be rewarded for someone else's success.

m0therofdragons · 05/08/2016 10:02

I explain to older dd. This morning dd2 got a gift. All holiday she's behaved well whereas dd1 has had bolshy moments and dd3 has had massive tantrums screaming at me she hates me while dd2 is being polite and lovely. Punishment has been removal of toys and earning them back but dd2 has lost none and so I decided she needed a reward. Dd2 and 3 are twins. Dd2 had a massive tantrum but once she had calmed down she understood. They can't always get the same. With older dd I got her on board by telling her my plan so she felt like she was on the adult side and she was really excited for her sister.

m0therofdragons · 05/08/2016 10:04

Dd3 had the tantrum dd2 carried on being lovely. Oops I got confused

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 05/08/2016 10:04

It's fine that he's a bit jealous, he is 6, but the other night he whispered to me 'I really hope DD doesn't sleep all night in her bed mummy" - because he doesn't want her to have something he doesn't. I told him off for being unkind and he said sorry, but still the sulking this morning. It's just made me more determined to be mean-spirited mother, tbh.

I was going to say no as it undermines your DD's effort anyway, but after reading this I really don't think you can even get him a token treat like a sweet, it will validate him. This is an important life lesson for him, even if it's not a pleasant one.

Agree with fair not equal. Can you explain that to DS?

nd yes. OP's DH: You. Are. A. Complete. Softy

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 05/08/2016 10:17

I assume you've sat him down and explained calmly that it's because she's done something good, and that he gets something every two weeks while she watches and gets nothing?

If there's this sort of jealousy going on now it needs to be nipped in the bud. DC3 will be along soon and DS may well be angry at the time and attention the baby needs. He's old enough to understand that fair is not the same as equal, but he chooses not to.

Mycraneisfixed · 05/08/2016 10:18

Give him a small goal to achieve and reward him. It's hard being an older brother of a little sister. She will always be the cute youngest and will have an easier life.

Berthatydfil · 05/08/2016 10:22

No I wouldn't get him anything, particularly after what he said.
Your dh's way is going to make things worse not better in the long run. It won't do him any harm to realise that that people get rewards by earning them not by wingeing as that's not how life works.
He's 6 not a toddler and is probably jealous that she's now getting to an age where she's going to be more aware of the things he's been getting and more competition.
I'm sure he will understand if you say to him "well it's not really fair as you haven't done anything to get a reward but I could do that but of of course that would mean every time I got you a reward for going doing something I would have to get her something too and I don't think that's really fair to you is it?"
Then set a task or goal (not too easy ) and say he can have xyz treat on completion.

Pearlman · 05/08/2016 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mycatsabastard · 05/08/2016 10:26

As he gets a magazine fortnightly anyway and as he gets the chance to earn pokemon cards then I'd definitely not give him anything.

Well done for cracking the sleep training. You must feel like a God this morning after a full nights sleep!

MrsJayy · 05/08/2016 10:26

But he gets his pokemon cards though this is his sisters thing he is just at the stage where he realises his sibling is around to he is reacting with a bit of jealousy and sulking giving him something is rewarding his sulks as a pp says its a life lessons and as another poster said equal does not have mean the same.

MrsJayy · 05/08/2016 10:28

She will always be the cute youngest what does that even mean

ayeokthen · 05/08/2016 10:30

I agree with you OP. It's not like your DS goes without is it? Look at it this way, if DS had a punishment where he lost a privilege would you deny DD too? No, you wouldn't. In life we don't get rewarded because of someone else's achievements, we get rewarded for our own, so I think you're doing the right thing. He gets Pokemon cards for his achievements, DD is getting a magazine for her massive milestone (well done btw, it is a massive mile stone!)

Ditsy4 · 05/08/2016 10:46

I think you are right. He is old enough to understand the reason behind it. He needs to learn that there are times when he has things and she doesn't and times when she does and he doesn't. We can't have everything we want ...it is a life lesson!

PerspicaciaTick · 05/08/2016 10:49

The only way to be "fair" (in the loosest possible meaning of the word) is to set your DS a challenge for the next few weeks and reward him if he succeeds. There must be something he could work on, some sort of life skill he needs to practice or learn for the first time.

ApocalypseSlough · 05/08/2016 10:52

I'd invent something to reward DS for! It doesn't have to be onerous or even particularly meaningful. Maybe putting the coin in the trolley and pushing it round. DD won't notice or care and DS won't be left out.

Weedles · 05/08/2016 10:55

I took the line with my DC that it's impossible to treat them fairly and that they have to put up with it. I couldn't be doing with sibling gifts or making sure I had bought exactly the same for each of them. It's too complicated. I wouldn't be particularly sympathetic if they felt hard done by either.

They are adults now and I think it's all worked out well. They have never been greedy or jealous of each other.

OP, I'd tell your lad that he is being silly and that you don't won't to hear another word about it.

GeoffreysGoat · 05/08/2016 10:59

My 3yo is capable of understanding that his baby brother gets stuff - carried, mummy milk etc - and he doesn't but that when ds1 was the same age, I did it for him. Now it's ds2s turn.

I'm with you too, op, it's dd's turn

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2016 11:01

If you buy him something, you'll be setting him up with all kinds of entitlement issues. It's your dds time to shine. This is a life lesson for both dcs.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 05/08/2016 11:03

Oh, ffs.

This is the start of the road to ending up on the parental entitlement thread.

Stick to your guns OP!

jennielou75 · 05/08/2016 11:03

You have to be so careful. My nephew has such a sense of entitlement that you could see him mentally adding up whatever I spent on his baby sister and 8 yr old sister when he was 16 to make sure he got the same. He has never realised or appreciated that for 8 yrs he was an only and got everything. My sister tried to make sure he never felt left out but this was the long term consequense.

strawberrybootlace · 05/08/2016 11:05

Another vote for fair but different. You can make it fair by offering him a goal with a reward too. At 6 he can understand that his sister has worked towards her goal and earned the reward.

Pearlman · 05/08/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onthecouchagain · 05/08/2016 11:13

Yanbu
You're teaching them both valuable lessons.

DixieNormas · 05/08/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2 3