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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is not how apologies work?

61 replies

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 05/08/2016 06:58

It has come up.in conversation that DH thinks you only need to apologise 'if you have done something on purpose'.

My thinking is that you apologise if something you have done negatively affects someone, regardless of the original intention. So, bumping into.someone, forgetting to do something etc. all would have a quick 'oh balls, sorry, I forgot' or something.

By DHs logic you'd either never apologise or if you do, then it means you've set out to do something deliberately, which isn't particularly nice!

The problem is, he knows I think differently so when I try and (gently, not patronisingly or aggressively) probe his stance he gets quite defensive and snappy. It's become an issue as there are times when he has (unintentionally) hurt or upset me or others but doesn't apologise and vehemently states his case for not doing do, thereby turning something small into a bigger disagreement. I'm not suggesting he should constantly apologise and I'm by no means perfect but it just seems unnecessarily confrontational.

Have I got this all wrong?

OP posts:

Mjingaxx · 05/08/2016 08:01

June if you really believed that of men, then why would you have any kind of relationships with men? That's pure misogyny

Mjingaxx · 05/08/2016 08:02

Why would you want to live with him captain??

amprev · 05/08/2016 08:07

I can't stand DH's approach to apologies - over the years he has improved slightly but as a PP has said, it is like he views apologising as a slight on his masculinity - you can almost see him gagging on the words.

What he might now do instead, in instances when he should apologise, is present me with a cup of tea or a hand on the shoulder etc, to which is respond with, "I accept your apology" and this drives him insane, which is actually more satisfying.

MotherKat · 05/08/2016 08:10

He appears to have mixed up being assertive and being an arsehole.

Original poster

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 05/08/2016 08:15

Hmm....The comments on emotional maturity have made me go all armchair psychologist...

Without going into too much detail, his dad died of cancer when he was 7. His mum never discussed it with him and shut down and relied on her parents for a lot. (I am not judging her at all, god only knows what she was feeling). It dI'd however mean that a period of his childhood which should have been showered with love and affection under normal circumstances, let alone given what he went through, was in reality quite distant and cold.

It wouldn't surprise me if that distance in the run up to and after his dad's death has meant he missed out on some of the 'growing up' the rest of us do and take for granted?

not that this helps me do anything about it, but I do like understanding it's origins

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 05/08/2016 08:17

His upbringing is no excuse quite frankly.

I've told dh i get upset when he may be too rough or say something to the children which they've taken the wrong way and he fails to apologise. I've now taken to stepping in every time he doesn't because I don't want the children to think it is okay.

Not a good place but talking to him hasn't helped so far!

Mjingaxx · 05/08/2016 08:20

What you might be describing is 'attachment disorder' I think OP

VioletBam · 05/08/2016 08:24

See I think TRUE apologies are rare because people cheapen them by apologising all the time.

I only say sorry if I feel genuine remorse...if I accidentally forget something minor then I"m probably not going to apologise.

honeylulu · 05/08/2016 08:32

My Dad is just like this. He has never apologised for anything in his life. He just refuses to admit that he is ever in the wrong even when he blatantly is and a whole roomful of people are telling him so. He will produce reasons, excuses, denials, blame others ... but "sorry" never passes his lips. The irony is that he probably thinks he is saving face but the effect is that we (his offspring) have near enough zero respect for him as a result.
YANBU but I don't have any advice. I wish I did.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 05/08/2016 08:43

My 8 year old thinks like ( as does my DM too). It causes problems with DD as she won't say sorry to her 6 year old brother when he's been hurt by her just because it was unintentional. She gets genuinely upset by it even when I explain we are not accusing her of hurting him on purpose just that her actions mean he's hurt and deserves an apology. I'm not sure why she thinks like this as DS appreciates the difference.

Nabootique · 05/08/2016 08:46

See I think TRUE apologies are rare because people cheapen them by apologising all the time.

Totally agree with this. I don't agree with your DH, OP, in that there are definitely accidental things that need apologising for, but I do think the word is really overused.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/08/2016 08:49

His thinking seems very back to front.

So he says sorry if he deliberately hurts or inconveniences someone - but not if he accidentally or unthinkingly does so?

Refusing to apologise because it wasn't on purpose can often come across as if the person causing the upset doesn't care about the unintended impact of their actions on others. And justifying it with "but I didn't do it on purpose" or similar just sounds childish.

If you do something that upsets or hurts someone else and you feel regret / remorse about it, then an apology is in order, even if the upset was completely unintentional.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/08/2016 08:51

I tend to think the opposite to your DH. If you've done something on purpose then you meant to do it, knowing it could cause upset, so an apology is worthless.

Sofabitch · 05/08/2016 08:51

I think unfortunately we apologise too much.

I agree sorry should only be said for remorse.

But you can feel remorseful for accidents.

I read a study a while back that linked females needs to apologise for everything to being held back in the work place. Men are more likely to just say..thst can't be done because of xyz women will apologise...instantly assuming responsibility.

It was an interesting study. I'll see if I can find it.

pictish · 05/08/2016 08:54

His upbringing won't be why he has come up with this theory that absolves him from apologising. He's just being a common garden dick.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/08/2016 08:55

My DH is similar to yours op. He does something dumb which results in unwanted outcomes and then gets all 'But I didn't MEAN to do it, it just happened.' It just does not seem to fucking compute that this may not make me feel like 'Oh well that's alright then, my pain has now magically vanished'.

I showed him this thread and he started complaining about how apologies mean less these days because people throw them about insincerely. If I apologise I generally do feel some form of genuine contrition so fuck knows what goes on in his robot brain.

I do worry that my DC will turn out like him in this regard. It makes me genuinely uneasy to think of it.

Mjingaxx · 05/08/2016 09:04

I think unfortunately we apologise too much

Really? It doesn't just have to be for 'remorse'. It's for all the little things as well...Sorry to the dog for standing on your foot, sorry colleague for forgetting xyz, sorry friend I put milk in your tea by accident, sorry stranger in the street for bumping in to you...etc etc

It's not a big deal, but it just oils social interactions and subconsciously makes people feel happier about humanity and life

Actively deciding to not say sorry to anyone is just not very nice

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/08/2016 09:07

I think the basics like please, thank you and I'm sorry are as important in a well established relationship as they are out there in the world getting along with people. I agree, not apologising is often an attempt to grab some control or gain self-esteem at the cost of your feelings.

Teaching toddlers to say sorry is difficult because often they point blank don't see the reason they should apologise or actually feel sorry, later they worry what if the other person does not accept the apology? We make ourselves vulnerable and hope we are in the right environment for our apology to be accepted. Yanbu to believe DH should trust you by now.

Mjingaxx · 05/08/2016 09:09

It also smacks of superiority. It actually really doesn't matter what these tits philosophical musings are on 'apologies'....it's really about the perception of the person who has been wronged and making them feel better

Gumpendorf · 05/08/2016 09:18

I'm with sofabitch on this. Women tend to apologise for everything too much. Men much less so.

The OP's DH seems to trying to establish his own pattern - belatedly because of his upbringing. He'll get there.

Brankolium · 05/08/2016 09:24

YANBU with bells on.

My MIL ascribes to the 'love means never having to say you're sorry' philosophy but I think it's a crock of shit. Love means trying to be nice and not upset each other, not spouting whatever offensive diatribe is currently in your head, then excusing yourself with an "I tell it like it is, me". Grrr!

That said, sorry can also be used in a weird self-deprecating way when someone shuffles through life sort of apologising for their own existence. That's not good either, and it's not a genuine apology either, more of a 'Woe is me, I'm so awful. Sorry'.

sparechange · 05/08/2016 09:33

You are right, he is being a dick

Sadly, a few people agree with his way of thinking, hence I'm NC with my dad and stepmonster, after she did something monumentally cruel and unpleasant 'by accident'. She doesn't think she needs to apologise because she didn't do it on purpose. I think you apologise when you upset anyone.

We haven't spoken for 2 years...

weeblueberry · 05/08/2016 09:41

An apology isn't about you. It's about the person who's been wronged. So, no, it's not reserved for when you've intentionally upset or hurt someone...

samG76 · 05/08/2016 09:48

agree with blueberry.

No-one really expects an apology to be sincere. A few years ago, some of the kids at DS's school apparently ran amok while at a sporting event at a neighbouring school. We though the complaints were over the top, but the head insisted that all the children who were there write a letter of apology. Some of the parents were a bit annoyed about this, but DH, who was supervising the event, said that apologising insincerely is a life skill, and one the kids ought to learn.

Believeitornot · 05/08/2016 09:51

I read a study a while back that linked females needs to apologise for everything to being held back in the work place

That's because many women don't have a self inflated sense of importance. It doesn't mean that men are right, just that we live in a male dominated culture.

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