to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

[Pendu]

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

[stickystick]

Having cake and eating it springs to mind. I think you are both being BU and NBU at the same time. He's NBU for being knackered and feeling like a cash machine with no life & nothing to look forward to except his partner having a career and earning more money than him. The comment about the dinners was an indirect voicing of that resentment I think. He's BU to expect you to abandon your newborn to a non related non professional housekeeper. But that's only because you are spectacularly BU to think you can get away with having a baby mid degree, not to mention looking after three other children (who in 8 pages hardly get a mention : what do they think about all this?) and considering the needs of your exhausted, bread winning, partner. I have no idea why this seemed like a good time to have a baby you can't really afford but it happened...and now you need to compromise. You just can't have everything all at once. Deferral seems like a very good option.

[goddessoftheharvest]

Tell him to go fuck himself. More hassle for you just so a non crb checked stranger can mind the kids and make him his dinner? Will she provide blow jobs as well.

I'm at his attitude. Roll him in mud and call him a fossil. Jesus.

[goddessoftheharvest]

Ok, I read the rest of the thread that will teach me

I still think he is BU but I do see the issue with three other kids and a twelve hour day at uni. I think you need to defer

Why on earth is he working such awful hours though? Does he have to?

[HappyHedgehog247]

Your poor husband working those hours. That sounds no life at all, dinner on the table or not.

[Thingamajiggy]

Paying this woman to come and live in your house is asking for trouble on many levels. It's just a weird idea too..

He is more concerned about his dinner on the table than supporting you through uni (and by the way to even attempt it with a baby you're a hero)?

He's thinking about himself!

[aussiecita]

What are you studying OP?

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

goddess the op (who thinks he is selfish LOL) has herself said that he works such ridiculous hours because they live in an expensive area due to HER desire to study. He's supporting the lot of them and letting her do as she wishes. He's a good bloke. I'd have told her to get a job instead tbh!

[Justneedhelp]

I don't think yabu however I am going to sound bitchy and I don't mean to but why would you add another child to your already very full life style??
I am doing my degree with the open university so all done at home when 2dds are in bed, oh works ridiculous hours and I don't always have dinner on the table but do try my hardest to. I do all the housework but house is often untidy as Id rather have fun with the children I have.
I wouldn't dream of adding another child to this at least until degree finished, it's hard enough as it is.

[Annie592]

I can't believe the level of criticism against the husband here- 'he is more concerned with dinner on the table than supporting you through uni'.... What??!! He's working18 hour days, he is the only one bringing money in- precisely because he IS supporting her through uni- that's an amazing thing to do! And wanting to not have to cook dinner on top of an 18 hour day sounds pretty reasonable to me- that's not sexist, the man is exhausted! OP from all of your posts and how much you're both coping with you actually sound like a pretty incredible couple, you're doing a great thing by going to uni to improve your future earnings ( and it's a great example for your kids too), he's doing a great thing in supporting you through that. Does seem sad that he can surely hardly ever see your children, but sounds like you're trying to get to a position where he can drop hours once you're earning. I agree with other posters about looking to defer this year. I don't think his suggestion is that unreasonable though.

[dansmum]

Can you study for your degree through online learning through your chosen university..or part time over a longer period? Or study through the Open University ? Can you get your place deferred for a couple of years until your child is eligible for nursery sessions and study in those hours? It is clear you have worked hard and are trying to improve your earning capacity for your family through study, but it looks like full time study or live in help are neither solutions that suit either of your needs. I can see both sides of the discussion actually..maybe there are other ways to access your learning that are more flexible or less expensive. Why not work with DH on finding out? Once he realises that the qualification will enable you to bring more money to the home and take the pressure off him a bit..he might be more inclined to help you find a solution that works for both of you..men are generally result driven. It's a gender thing. If he is 'a bit old fashioned' he may genuinely think having a 'daily' would really 'help you' and the baby...( sigh)..and give him somewhere clean to sit and a hot meal in his belly when he does get home. If he works as hard as you say to keep you and your family and has already supported you in your training so far..it seems he's trying to do the right thing. More conversation and research..and even deferment for 12 months while you work out how to do it might even be on the cards. Sometimes babies and fulltime study and relationships dont all slot together easily and can be not the positive vision you wish it to be. You have to work with the child you have, the college you need and the hubby you have...I really really wish you well. I did the full time work, pregnant, travelling to a distant uni to make it all work. It was just too much. I did one year part time.then realised that parenting was going to have to be the priority.and I had a very supportive partner tons of drive and a healthy baby.
I hope you and dh find a better solution that works for you by negotiation and discussion. Good luck

[Lillithxxx]

Not usually moved to post but golly - what a nest of vipers we have here! Pity your menfolk. Pendu - sounds like your man is heading for an early grave - you'll be able to have everything your own way then...

[AgentProvocateur]

I agree with Annie592 - your husband sounds like he's working himself into an early grave to support you and four children in London.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Nice to see some others agreeing. No wonder mumsnet gets called a group of manhaters with the nonsense on here. Poor bloke!

[BananaThePoet]

Your husband sounds lovely. Given how exhausted he is I am amazed he even was able to think straight to come up with that idea and he even managed to try and be nice to a nice relative at the same time.

I think you should sit down with a piece of paper and do the pros and cons exercise of first listing the pros to staying in uni compared with the cons and then to the same for deferring.

You also need to have a long think about the wellbeing of your family and why it doesn't seem to be registering that your husband is being worked into an early grave or possible stroke/heart attack and then you'd have a disabled husband to care for as well as everything else.

Sleeping in the car!!! That is horrible. He must be stressed to buggery.
If you love him and your kids why would you let this happen? I'm all for people getting to live their dreams but not at the expense of putting others through a nightmare.

[roasted]

OP, it sounds like your DH is killing himself with a crazy job just so you can all stay where you are and you can get your degree. In light of that sacrifice, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want a meal on the table when he gets home. When someone spends all their time working, they have earned the right to be fed immediately and go straight to sleep.

Apart from the fact he will be exhausted by the time he gets home and won't have the energy to make himself a meal, hungry people are hangry people, and with you both working so hard, you don't really have the time to waste on pointless hunger induced fights.

He could have refused to support you in your degree, lesser men would have, instead he's suggested a compromise and you're dead against it. I'd take him up on his suggestion and see how it goes. I would also look forward to the day that this situation can come to an end, you can both do more balanced hours and spend more family time together.

BF may be your preference, but in light of the circumstances, it just doesn't seem worth it.

[Anmi0802]

I don't understand some women, I think they don't like when the man wants to help and give his own ideas, he is paying for it so he should give his opinion, shouldnt he? Now calling him all these names just sounds horrible. He doesn't sound as a bad person, he just want things to be done when he gets home and I would love to have everything done as well, unfortunately I can't. Talk to him nicely and tell him why you want it and he might be ok, he might be trying to help with the house, don't you think? That way would take the pressure out for you. I would be happy if my husband gave me this option, I respect all the comments but if he is a nice husband then talk to him and you might get your way in the end, this is a nice moment for both

[gemma19846]

I dont mean to sound like a bitch but surely no company would ever have him working so many hours and 'sleep in the car'.If that was me id seriously be thinking this guy is spending far too much time 'at work' and having a snoop into whether he is having an affair. The fact that hes little respect for you and your wishes/concerns with your own baby and wanting some woman he wants to help out (doesnt want to help his wife out though?) come into the house while you are out sounds very dodgy to me

[Anmi0802]

I agree with all the nice comments about your husband and I think some people just get jealous when they see husband helping their wives to get a degree and still pay for child care, some husband would just say ( get pregnant later in life or stop uni) so I think he sounds very reasonable

[scottieosaurus]

Depending on your course have you considered studying part time? It would take longer but perhaps it would take the strain out of the situation a little and you'd be able to spend the time with your baby that you want.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

gemma RTFT! The op has said he HAS to work so much to give her what she wants - him providing everything while she puts the kids in childcare and studies...

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

'Little respect' ?! What the hell is wrong with people?

I honestly feel sorry for this poor bloke. This thread is absolutely horrible and shows the pure ignorance and entitled attitudes of far too many women.

[pollymere]

Sounds like he's trying to move his girlfriend in! Unless she's qualified and maybe Ofsted registered you're giving your baby to a totally random "hapless" person. You should qualify for tax credits and be able to claim the childcare element of them too, unless your husband earns too much, in which case he can pay for childcare! You could consider an Audi pair or nanny share but they definitely need to be able to drive and do the school runs etc. One possible solution is switching to part time study. I did that and it meant I could balance things that much more easily. Or defer it a year so at least your baby will be weaned and nursery will be so much cheaper.