to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

[Pendu]

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

[Orangetoffee]

Your H sounds like an arse. Get the childcare that is best for you and the baby and he can employ the lady as a cleaner and cook.

[Eatthecake]

Old fashioned = I can't cook or look after my baby. I want a woman to weight on me hand and foot.

The nursery on campus when Mum can breast feed and see baby in between lectures, IMO would be best. All my children have gone to the crèche in my work building and I can then breastfeed and see baby at breaks.
It cost the same and he won't do it because he wants his tea on the table each night

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

You both sound really dumb.

You claim your husband works 18 hours a day most days. He's basically shortening his life in this job. It's not sustainable and you should both be trying to get him out of that.

Your husband sounds sexist and like an idiot.

Despite basically being a single parent you already have 3 children and decided you needed a fourth?

You're in uni but won't defer a year so that you can actually make it work for your family and nearly 4 kids.

[Dutchcourage]

herotherhalf do you say 'man here' so we sit up and take notice of what you have to say rather than if it was 'just' a woman?

Do you see every other poster saying 'women here' before they post?

[Stevefromstevenage]

I've not known one to have a baby and also complete that academic year

I've had one and I cannot see how a university would preclude it unless assessment submission dates were missed along the way. I certainly am not recommending it though.

[SeraOfeliaFalfurrias]

He's not old-fashioned, he's a sexist dick who thinks domestic chores are women's work. His wife won't be there to pander to his pathetic needs so he wants to hire someone else to look after him, not giving a fuck who looks after you or the kids. What a prince of a man.

[Pendu]

Baby is due November and I am trying to avoid deferring a year as I think most of the "problems" will be the same any year, plus I think first year will be ok for me as I have covered a lot of the work already so may as well crack on.

I plan to breastfeed maybe a year or two (others stopped at 9m, 18m and 20 ish months).

Other dc are abit older and I will be doing the school runs with them , she won't be doing anything with them in terms of childcare.

The school is next to uni anyway so if I'm going out and going all the way there anyway, I may aswell stay around the area for the day getting my first year done ....


Unfortunately DH has to work like this because we live in an expensive area , because I was studying here but it's like a vicious circle - to earn more I need to finish my studies (otherwise two years are already down the drain) and this will carry on - he will have to keep pushing himself because I will never get a job which will outweigh holiday childcare and all of that, it's catch 22. Once I finish uni we will move away (unfortunately only 2 uni do my course and one happened to be in the area I was from/am now) so he won't have to do all these stupid hours but it's not feasible at the mo.

Thanks for all the input , nice to gauge others views because I can only see mine and he can only see his ....

[GetAHaircutCarl]

If you're not going to defer this year OP, and your PILs are going to look after your baby for 3 months, then how are you going to breasfeed?

[HerOtherHalf]

herotherhalf do you say 'man here' so we sit up and take notice of what you have to say rather than if it was 'just' a woman?

Do you see every other poster saying 'women here' before they post?

It was a lighthearted, throwaway opener. Don't take life so seriously ffs.

[Mojito7]

Op - sorry if I'm confused. Do you have other children then? So you need someone to be there for 3pm ish / do school pick ups as well?

I think you've both taken on too much. How was this going to work? If your DH is coming in at 8pm and going out again at 10pm until the early hours, I can kind of see his point. What more can he really do? What kind of life is that?

Are you at uni for 12 hours every day? Who takes care of the other children at the moment?

[Pendu]

Deferring a year means paying high rent etc for another 12 months, when I could possibly be sitting at home all day whereas I could have been getting on with the course to try and make the situation better quicker.

He doesn't work everyday like that, but yeah we are exhausted but it's a means to an end. If we upped sticks then we would be treading water the rest of our lives.

We are bumbling along like anyone else and just have a choice to make. He's working enough so we can afford to have a dc and run a home , that's not the issue... but it's all gone haywire because now he's decided we can do a,b,c instead of x,y,z. .

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

So you're married to someone who works extremely long hours and is hardly ever home, you have 3 children, you are doing a full time University course and are about to have a baby, your 4th child? How on earth do you manage now and have you got some REALLY good reliable contraception lined up for after this baby is born?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

I don't understand how you say you've already done 2 years but you're in your first year?

If you have 3 years to go I'd certainly advise you to defer for a year. I'm guessing this baby wasn't planned, so you have my sympathy.

Your DH sounds like a knob, but maybe he's just worn out with working unsustainable hours. You might be better off in the medium term postponing your studies, getting a job then resuming uni once the baby is nursery age. Your DH cannot continue like this, he will make himself ill.

However, YANBU about the 'dinner on the table' deep, although if he's working 18h days he's not quite so unreasonable as all that.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

*deep = crap

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

Oh, and treading water for a few years might be better for your family - you can always go back to study later when things aren't so fraught. Or move to a cheaper area and commute.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

OP you're going to need the full time help.

With three children, a new born baby, a DH working 18 hours a day and you studying full time, it's the only way surely?

Without help at home who will collect your DC from school? Olof after them when they're sick? During the half terms?

Who will look after your DC when you need to study/revise?

Who will cook and clean and do the laundry?

[Pendu]

I think now we did take on too much but it's catch 22 - unless I compete my uni (which my ex never even allowed) then we are bobbing along on his wage which is too much work for him to sustain. I will be well qualified afterwards and will have a "career" with holidays and all those things, he doesn't - he's a contractor and what he earns he gets, that's it. No sick pay no holiday no pension. I have two years to complete then I work in the third , so we have to struggle for two years then it's over. We manage - we aren't on the breadline just happens that this uni is near London and we have to pay higher rent etc.

My uni isn't 12h but I leave early in the mornings for the school runs and if I ever finish at 5 which could happen some days, then I think it will be the best part of 12h by the time I'm home by the time I collect from clubs and hit rush hour etc. I might get lucky and be at uni 3 days a week, or 5 part days or something , I'm just going by worst case scenario .

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Hedgehog - that's simple - the OP has done a diploma for the last 2 years, she's now moving onto a degree. The diploma will have made the first year of the degree easier for her than for others who haven't done it.
In some degrees, the diploma used to allow you to skip the 1st year and go straight into second year but I guess that's not the case with this one.

However. OP, you're missing the trick here -MOST of your problems might still be there if you defer it a year, but ONE of them won't be - your need to feed your newborn baby on demand. By the time he/she is 10m old, that won't be necessary any more, and you would be quite able to leave the baby at home with a childminder/housekeeper - you might not want to, but you should be able to.

So look again at deferring because it sounds like your "old-fashioned" dick of a DH isn't going to give way on paying for childcare at the University, and you'd still end up doing all the housework and cooking as well as a "12h" day at University. Actually I cannot see that as sustainable.
Another point to look at with the University - how much of it needs to involve your actual attendance? Can any of the modules be done from home/ as distance learning?

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

YANBU.

What happens when this woman is ill? Or breaks her leg? Or gets another job? Or can't get to you because her car's broken down? If the baby goes to nursery, a whole team will know your child and illness and life changes in one person won't have much impact on them.

[worstofbothworlds]

It's very difficult to get a DBS for a home based nanny/babysitter. I asked about this recently.

I missed that you hadn't had the baby yet and think you are bananas to think you can carry on with the academic year. The nursery won't take them till they are at least 3 months (you say your PILs will take them but you are not going to give birth one day and go back to college the next!) and you are probably too late to enrol them for that date (most nurseries that take babies this young need you to enrol them the second you even suspect you are pregnant).

As PPs have said childcare is family money, it enables you to study and him to work. If you said sorry, I'm not doing childcare, he'd be unable to work. He has effectively said, sorry, I'm not doing childcare.

If you go into the Uni and say you'll need some extensions on your coursework because you're going to give birth in the middle of a semester they would be within their rights to tell you you need to defer a year. It's better to do this as a planned break than start the year and have to repeat it.

(I am an academic and I have said this to a student).

[powershowerforanhour]

Affable, I didn't know you could get childcare vouchers if self employed. That might be a good option.
Or could he register the business as a limited company and draw a salary and get childcare vouchers that way?

[Pendu]

I did a two year extended diploma to get access to this uni course, sorry that's what I meant by two years. It was specifically for this , it's not very useful otherwise.

Managing the course isn't my worry - I love it a lot and it isn't massively taxing , a lot of work I've covered. That's not my problem as such, it's the choice.

Someone mentioned sick care which I hadn't thought about, which means the stay at home helper nanny lady would make sense as I did have to miss college abit due to this before ....

Maybe j just want to have my cake and eat it

[scallopsrgreat]

Why has he had a child if he works those hours? Why is he not prioritising your child? How is he prepared to look after the child he chose to have? What happens if you aren't around eg. in hospital/ill/doing other things/leaving him because he's a complete arse? Why are you not questioning his choices?

And I agree with others. 'Old-fashioned' = sexist prick.

[Mojito7]

Sorry Op -cross post!

The dinner on the table thing is neither here nor there to be honest as it sounds like he's only actually in the house for a couple of hours a day. That's only one dinner surely, not 24 hour service.

Can't you just make stuff at weekends and freeze it?

I can see his point of view, but it's important for the baby to be near you. If you don't need "wraparound care" for the other DC, then the only benefit for the same money that the lady would be offering is cleaning -and I doubt you need that much cleaning.

I was in the same position as you in the not too distant past with fussy kids who only ate quite basic food, but this meant I was having to cook again for DH when he came in later. (I was not at uni or working though). These days, I just do lasagnes, fish pies etc and the kids have learnt to get on with it because I can't cater for them, clear up and then start cooking again every night!

Also I think you may resent the bond this lady may develop with the baby. I know I definitely would.

If it's the same cost, take the baby to the nursery to be near you and maybe get a cleaner in a few hours a week?

[Lweji]

Tell him to marry the lady and you bugger off with the baby and child
Win-win.

He pays?
His dinner?
His decision?