to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

[Pendu]

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

[Kenduskeag]

Hang on, he wants to pay some random 'hapless', sweet, innocent' woman he knows to come and cook his dinners, look after his baby and clean up? So, a traditional 'wife' he always wanted (and was quick to remind you you aren't as good as, because your cooking is 'hit and miss')?

If he wants to live with his sweet, hapless ladyfriend he's welcome to for free, because you'll be out the door and reclaiming your life from this tool.

Sorry. Sounds dodgy as hell and like he's trying to move her in because he's interested. You don't leave newborns with dimwitted family friends.

[Stevefromstevenage]

God what an utterly selfish arse. YANBU.

[Stratter5]

Oh man, alarm bells are going off all over the place.

Sleeps in car, doesn't come home, wants a female friend in to look after himself the baby and the house.

You're being had, big time.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

Personally, I'd rather have a nanny/housekeeper than use a nursery for a small baby.

I get that this isn't your DH's priority here (and I would question his priorities) but that would be my preference in your shoes.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Put your foot down. No bloody way. Not quite sure what decade your partner is living in, but it sure as hell isn't this one.

[Kenduskeag]

But this isn't a nanny/housekeeper.

It's his 'friend'.

[Sparklesilverglitter]

It makes no sense.

He can pay somebody to look after baby at home, the same as it work cost to send the child to nursery on campus with baby's Mum

I wouldn't let a random woman, that wasn't a registered childminder/nanny to look after my baby when she arrives.

[Pendu]

She's quite abit older than me - he isn't trying to oust me for the home help

She will be paid properly, no doubt I'll have to look into all the registration and legality of it all, we don't touch anything dodgy with a barge pole.

I'll look into childcare vouchers too, maybe that will cover some of it?

He is old fashioned though yeah, long hours or not. I keep telling him if he wants me to quit everything and sit on my backside "eating coco pops out of the bag all day" (loved that one!) then I'm more than happy, I was studying for our future - he only sees the here and now. He can then having his dinner on the table cooked as per specification but I'll never have a career so he can work double shifts until the cows come home

[EweAreHere]

He is prioritising himself over a baby.

The baby can be breastfed and spend time with you during the day while you're at school if the baby is in childcare on campus. The baby can't do these things, and will make your life more stressed and difficult, if baby is at home with someone.

He is prioritising himself over a baby, and making your more life difficult and stressful to boot. It's not like you're out getting your nails done. You're working towards a degree so you can contribute more for your family in a few years!

[Kenduskeag]

Oh, I missed the parts about him working 'double shifts' and going out again after he's already come home from work, sometimes not coming home from work and the total bollocks about sleeping in his car.

He's not sleeping in his car.

And if he was actually working from 5am until 8pm, then 10pm until 'the early hours', he would be dead or would have collapsed by now, so he isn't doing that.

[Pendu]

Honestly he isn't having any affairs - as per his paperwork I know where he is , when he's signed in and out etc etc every minute of the day (as we have to send invoices and all sorts , calculate mileage etc) and this lady is quite different in age/generation he's a twat but not having an affair or carrying on with any untoward behaviour.

[WutheringTights]

Doesn't she have to be ofsted registered and follow the early years curriculum if she is being paid for childcare?

[Sparklesilverglitter]

Old fashioned! I hate it when people say that it just men's I had a baby with a man that can't be bothered to do anything for his own child

[MargaretCavendish]

On a tangent (because I agree with everyone else about the undesirability of this proposed arrangement!) - when you say the baby's due in November, when are you intending to go back to uni? Surely you need to defer for the year if you're going to give birth in the middle of the first term? I'm a lecturer and although I've seen an (amazing) student sit exams eight and a half months pregnant, and I've seen many students thrive and succeed while also single-handedly looking after toddlers (which, again - amazing women!), I've not known one to have a baby and also complete that academic year, and I have doubts whether it would be possible where I teach. University years are very short, which means there isn't normally much room for a couple of missed months in the middle.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Anything outweighs dinner on the table when you're married to a class A fuckwit.

[Lilmisskittykat]

I can see his side of things you admit yourself he works such long hours sometimes he doesn't get to come home and when he gets home his wife who is a student and stay at home mum isn't supporting him whilst he financially supports the whole family.

As a family you are getting better value for money and less stress the way he suggests things

I know I'm in the minority here .. But you wanted opinions I'm sure.

[IWasBeingAffable]

Yep, what most others have said, YANBU with bells on. He's being controlling, sexist, and taking the piss.

If one person was looking after a baby, keeping an immaculate house, and putting proper cooked meals on the table every night, I'd be concerned about the quality of childcare, as you can't do all to a top standard all of the time.

Btw, you can get childcare vouchers if you're self employed.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

How old will your baby be when it starts campus nursery OP? Many won't take new borns. And how many hours will it be in nursery?

[VaginaJones]

Your husbands suggestion sounds like the only one that will work if he is seriously doing those sorts of hours, as there is no way that the housework and childcare can be done if you're out of the house for 12 hours a day and him upto 18 hours a day. Your option would only work if he significantly reduced his hours which he really should try to do anyways (I know a lot easier said than done) - as they will do some serious damage to his health.

[HerOtherHalf]

Man here. So in summary, either option will cost about the same but one will make you happy about the whereabouts and care of your child whilst the other will make him happy that his dinner will be up to scratch. Is that pretty much it? He's a tosser. He may well be an otherwise nice, hard-working tosser but still a tosser. Have you tried telling him one doesn't need tits to work a cooker?

[Pendu]

I plan to use the nursery from three months (the earliest they allow)

In those months I don't have a plan in place as I have to wait until my year starts to know what hours/ days I'm in for then I will arrange things around that eg work from home. DHs parents will be here in the early days which is easier but they can't stay with us longer as they have their own things to do, but I think I have somewhat sorted those 3m. Also my diploma is in the same subject so I'm ahead of some of the students who are coming from a levels as I have covered a lot of the units and as I'm getting old I didn't want to defer a year, especially if it's not going to be a tough one .

[bombayflambe]

You mention school runs so you have other children?
He's suggesting having a housekeeper/mother's help to sort meals and run the house/look after baby/other kids while you are at Uni and he is working split/double shifts. I'm failing to see why he's being unreasonable. There's more to running a home than getting one persons dinner on the table and it sounds as if you both have so much on: surely a home help would help all of you?
The breastfeeding thing is only a short term issue. How long were you planning to breastfeed? You don't say how old your baby is.
In your shoes I'd defer Uni for one year to get past the broken nights and breastfeeding, then grab the offer of a home help with both hands and go back to Uni with lots less to worry about.

[Pendu]

To summarise :

Option 1) baby on campus , lots of feeding opportunity and can take baby between lectures etc

Option 2) baby at home with nanny/housekeeper/mothers help lady . "More" can be done eg cooking and housework alongside the childcare but will have to express feed at best , might be formula as I can never express well plus be away from baby some days all day

Both will cost around the same I think (but need to add in employer NI and all that sort of thing but I'll do that later on)

[happypoobum]

You have to put your foot down OP and just say no, you don't want another woman, no matter how old/frumpy/ugly she is living in your house and playing wifey.

You are booking the nursery and the money has to come out of family funds. I never get this your money/my money shite when people are married with DC.

Selfish Fucker

[Missgraeme]

Haven't read all replies but I would stick to your original plan. And buy him a little fridge and fill it with ready meals just for him!!