to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

[Pendu]

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

[RubbishMantra]

Are you in the UK? Because a woman on my degree had child-care expenses paid for by the college.

I would book an appointment with the Financial Support team at your uni/college, who help with travel and child-care costs. Your tutor will point you in the right direction.

[Pendu]

I discussed it at open days - some work can be sent to me at home , lectures etc. That's my plan for the early days. If it goes tits up, I can defer my place from the point I got up to eg December to the next December or whatever.

Nursery place is booked - I had sorted everything out . I did two years of college with 3 (now they are older and much easier) and previously did 18 months of another college (I had to resit some exams as I'm a mature student so they wanted me to be refreshed) so my three were really young then compared to now - the workload isn't a worry for me. At the end of the day no one isn't going to explode if I throw my hands up and quit/defer, but I don't want to plan as yet to defer because it might go along nicely. I have done nearly 60 odd assignments for my diploma which are basically the skeletons for my uni assignments, so the work isn't a worry.

Uni didn't suggest deferring I think because I'm mature and my previous qualification, they are quite supportive of me carrying on. But that's on the basis of the uni work, not the other things like DHs new suggestion.

Maybe I'll feel different when the baby is born - if the baby is clingy anyway I won't have an option but to defer - whether it's this lady or nursery, I can't just dump and run anyway .....


Thanks for all those supporting DH , if only because it's saved him from being torn a new one tonight as I can see he isn't completely unreasonable, it's just these different points of view !

[RubbishMantra]

• should have read Student Welfare.

[potoftea]

I think your dh is an idiot for phrasing it badly, but that his suggestion is good. You will basically have a nanny who can care for the very young baby, which experts say is better than several carers, and who can do some housework too.
If one of the other children are ill will she take care of them too? If you do use nursery what is your plan for sick days, baby or older children? Or insert days?
I think its a much better option for the whole family, but dh might find that the poor woman never gets time to cook his dinner if the baby turns out to be an unsettled one!

[AcrossthePond55]

I can't get past him expecting dinner on the table on days you're at Uni. DH and I both worked full time and when I got home I BF and he got dinner together, or at the very least got the table set and dinner started. I think the same should go for days you're at Uni the equivalent of a 'full time' day.

[Mojito7]

AcrossthePond - yes but this DH is only in the house for 2 hours in the evening between 2 jobs. I would need to eat and relax if that was me.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

OPs DH is out of the house for 18 hours ( have I got that right?). Surely he won't have time to cook too?

[redskytonight]

Another puzzled as to why everyone thinks DH is being so unreasonable.

• you are getting a single carer as opposed to a nursery which is better for young baby
  

• baby is cared for in own home as opposed to nursery
  

• carer comes at same prize as childcare+cleaner (and I bet if OP was in the position of studying full time plus trying to fit in housework there would be a MN chorus of "get a cleaner")
  

Plus I've never known a nursery that encourages parents to pop in at regular intervals to visit their DC. And once baby gets to a certain age, popping in willy nilly is going to be confusing and upsetting for them. Plus if OP is studying full time, how much time away from study is she getting that she can be making these frequent visits!!

Have to say I'd go for DH's option all the time, subject of course to making sure that nothing dodgy was going on and I'd met the lady and felt she was competent, which OP seems happy is the case.

[Chwaraeteg]

YANBU.

He really doesn't seem to understand your bond with the baby and how important breast feeding is to you. He sounds cold and like he has no idea about looking after a baby / what's best. Why does he think he's best place to decide what's best for the baby when he clearly has so little involvement in it's care? Because he controls the money?

What exactly do you get from this man while he's working all these hours? Money? The state can provide that!

[Mojito7]

Chwar - he has to do two jobs (day and night) to support 3 children, plus another on the way, as well as his wife going through uni and the fact that they life in an expensive area so as to be near to the uni.

[MargaretCavendish]

carer comes at same prize as childcare+cleaner (and I bet if OP was in the position of studying full time plus trying to fit in housework there would be a MN chorus of "get a cleaner")

I don't have children, but my understanding is that full-time carers for babies don't exactly get all the time in the world to do the housework. I think the OP's partner's belief that this woman (who seems to be struggling a bit as it is - I take it she could do with a place to live?) is going to be a nanny, chef and cleaner is a) unrealistic and b) actually pretty exploitative - what hours is he imagining she'll work?

[MargaretCavendish]

I would book an appointment with the Financial Support team at your uni/college, who help with travel and child-care costs. Your tutor will point you in the right direction.

And just wanted to second this. I don't know what would be available at my university, but I do know where on campus the team of lovely, efficient, and astoundingly knowledgeable and qualified advisers can be found and I would send you there asap! I have to say, I'm imagining you as one of my tutees and your situation and plan would be setting off so many different alarm bells for me: I'd really, really want you to chat not just to finance but also to the pastoral team to try and work up a much more robust plan for how this is all going to work. Students often underestimate how much help there is, and they can miss out because of it.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

OP - as to who's being unreasonable I don't know but I doubt very much that you will be able to "pop in and out" to see your baby during the day in a nursery setting. It would cause disruption to routines and could unsettle not only your baby, but others as well.

[worstofbothworlds]

I've never known a nursery that encourages parents to pop in at regular intervals to visit their DC

Our campus nursery has little rooms designated for BF parents to pop in (or they can BF in the baby room if they wish - I've known both to happen). If the baby is under 6 months and EBF they are going to have a single carer and they are not going to be that confused by one person cuddling them/putting them down for naps and another BF them, it's no different to Dad and Mum.

I wouldn't recommend this for older DC, no, but EBF tinies no problem.

But you are still being massively unrealistic if you think you'll be back to uni work the day after you give birth. And with a mid-semester birth, that's exactly what it will mean. Uni is a HUGE step up from college. We also have a lot of students who fail to realise this and think "oh I've studied this before, I can breeze through this" and are in for a nasty shock.

If this is genuinely something you've studied before in all its details and only need a formal qualification I recommend going through the OU to top up your paperwork.

[BoGrainger]

A nanny that cooks for the family, cleans, launders, shops, looks after school-aged children as well as caring for a new-born. Anyone employed to do that for less than £500 a week is a fool.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

How on earth can you all say her DH is selfish when she says herself that he HAS to run himself ragged because they live in an expensive area because SHE wants to study?!!

He is doing all of this for her, she doesn't provide an income and will be out of the house up to 12 hours a day.

He isn't being selfish at all,he's being sensible and practical!

[RB68]

find a houskeeper that can drive and do school runs etc end of issue

[BoGrainger]

Would you leave your newborn with a housekeeper?

[Pendu]

It's mainly nanny and dinner - house work will be bits and bobs, not full housework , if any. I certainly won't be expecting anything like changing bedding or washing or ironing. If it comes to it I'll obviously be a lot clearer as to what she will and what be doing , the expected days and hours and salary or hourly wage because she certainly won't be a miracle worker !

[Pendu]

She's not going to shop or do laundry or look after the other dc - we aren't getting a slave !


I have to sit down wih DH and see exactly what's she's going to do - she will be a nanny by and large , anything else is a "bonus".

[GetAHaircutCarl]

Most nannies will cook DCs meals and do their laundry as standard. Often keeping the DCs rooms and playroom in reasonable order is also part of their duties.

[Writerwannabe83]

I just can't work out how you are going to sustain breast feeding when the baby is at nursery/IL's from three months of age? I'm assuming she will be on formula too seeing as you can't guarantee to be on hand whenever she wants a feed? Or were you planning on giving expressed milk? If you don't plan on deferring then even from when baby is born you need to think about when to start introducing bottles and formula because you don't want to pack her off to nursery or the IL's at three months of age if she's a bottle and formula refuser.

Do your other children ever actually see their dad? I don't mean that judgementally, I'm just bemused as to how somebody who works so many hours can spend quality time with their children?

I think your DH perhaps worded things badly but I can see his point about things working better if there is someone at home to help. If baby is having bottles/formula/EBM anyway then it won't be an issue her being away from you and as a previous poster said, at such a young age I think it's preferable they be with one main carer (if possible) in familiar surroundings than in a nursery.

Ps) you sound like Wonderwoman. I felt exhausted just reading your posts

[ollieplimsoles]

Sort op but the line in particular about housework and meals getting lax while you were at fucking college has led me to believe your dh is a moron...

[Kyyria]

margaretcavendish I started the final year of a BA in September 2012. Uni was one full Saturday a month. I had my baby October 2012 and completed the year.

OP I think your husband is being beyond unreasonable. If he wants a meal on the table when he says so then he can either make it himself or buy in/prep freezer meals.

[Naicehamshop]

Don't leave a tiny baby for up to 12 hours a day - that's awful!