to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

[Pendu]

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

[Mojito7]

Op I don't think either of you are BU. Its very admirable that you want to see uni through to help your long-term career prospects and it's great that he's prepared to go over and above in the shorter term to facilitate you doing this. When he's talking about food on the table, he's probably just acknowledging that you were very stretched at home (with 3 kids and uni) and he is equally stretched with two jobs - and with another baby coming, this is only likely to escalate unless you bring help in.

My DH works very long hours too (not nights though)- and he expects dinner when he gets in. I doubt he'd be as flexible as your DH if I said I wanted to continue a degree course alongside 3 children and a baby!

You can only take on so much before something has to give and that's true for any family set up.


I know nothing about the nursery near your uni that you're considering, but I think their policy re- letting you in to feed, etc should be key to your decision. Anyway, you can't predict at this stage how the breastfeeding will go obviously.

Good luck to you both!

[Pendu]

I think I'm going to defer. I've been trying to contact uni all afternoon but can't seem to get anyone to discuss it all through.

He's come in, eaten and gone to bed so no discussion. I'm feeling pissed again, I m not paying someone to take on a wife and mother role while I slog my guts out for no appreciation .

Uni was happy for me to come in and feed , they even have two areas of sofa for this. Even they were happy if I had a long break to take dc out and about on campus or whatever. If DH can't see that's clearly better at the moment, then he will have to wait an extra year for me to graduate.

[suit2845321oie]

Actually it sounds quite sensible to me. You have other children and he's offering to pay for a live in housekeeper / nanny to make sure that the house runs smoothly, sorts out your kids and takes the pressure off you while you're at university. Assuming this lady is competent with babies and is perhaps an experienced mother herself I'm struggling to see the issue.

[FruitCider]

Pendu in all honesty I think deferring until 2017 is the best option.

I've just finished a nursing degree, my dd was 8 months old when I started university and I've been knackered the whole 3 years. It's hard enough with a 8/9 month old yet alone with a new born! X

[Artandco]

A nanny for a newborn will be way more than nursery though.

A newborn nanny is a maternity nanny. That's around £15 per hour. So £180 per 12 hrs minimum. That's £900 a week without employers ni contribution. If you want someone to cook also that's extra

Are you saying a college nursery is more than £900 a week?

[FruitCider]

Don't leave a tiny baby for up to 12 hours a day - that's awful! 

More like 6 hours a day, 2 or 3 days a week. Don't dramatise things!

[ElspethFlashman]

Tbh it sounds like you are a single mother to 3, soon to be a single mother to 4.

You and this other lady will be doing 100% of everything. All the childcare and all the wife work, between the two of you.

It seems you can only count on your DH for his wage. His time and his company are elsewhere.

I don't see how you can do a university course for the next 2/3 years with no support other than this lady. Not with 4 kids.

I also wonder how on earth you expect to be able to work at the end of it without her. Who is going to cook dinner and do pick ups and drop offs when you are stuck on a commuter train? You will need her forever!

[junebirthdaygirl]

Can't understand people calling this man a " selfish bustard" as he works 18 hrs a day and has supported his dw studying for about 3 years at this stage. Op his suggestion makes total sense if the baby was a bit older. For at least 3 months after your baby is born you will be in a fog of sleepless nights breastfeeding etc so no time to be in college. My sil went to college when dd was 6 weeks old. They have had constant difficulties with her. They never seemed to bond and she is a very unhappy girl. Give the first year to the baby. People don't get maternity leave for nothing. At that stage someone in house doing a bit of organising cooking plus of course baby minding sounds heaven. I wouldn't be resentful towards dh here. He is doing his best it seems to me.

[redskytonight]

I think deferring does sounds like the better option OP. It will give you time to think about your longer term plan, allow you to spend time with baby and your other children. And possibly, with no childcare to pay for, your DH can get a break too and get to understand a bit more how your family works!

[madgingermunchkin]

Men just can't get it right in the eyes on many on this forum. The poor bloke is out the house for 18 hours some day, working hard to bring a wage in, keep food on the table and a roof over their heads.

Op, have you ever stopped to think that maybe he's also trying to relieve pressure on you? If you don't have to worry about running round clearing up after 4 kids, making sure all the washing is done, place is tidy and the kids are fed, then it gives you more time to concentrate on studies. Or actually spending quality time with your kids. If you look at it objectively, his suggestion is better value for money.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

I think his idea is great, childcare and household help all in one. His hours are immense and the burden of four children and a non working wife must lie heavily on his shoulders and he will barely see the children. Why shouldn't he pay the best option for him and the others?

There's no guarantee that the OP will get a job that pays enough to cover the student debt and childcare for four given the hours of the DH.

I don't see a selfish man at all, he sounds like a decent one. The way you refer to your ex not paying for you to study does make it sound like you see him as a cashpoint though.

[Pendu]

My point about my ex is he wouldn't let me study, even before dc. He always made an excuse. I didn't want/need him to pay for it, it's just the reason I'm only managing to study now after getting divorced etc.

[RubbleBubble00]

I was going to come in and say I would defer. Enjoy your babies first year without all the added stress.

I can see why your dh wants the lady. My dh works away and literally is home a day at times I between jobs. He wants to come home to a relatively clean and tidy house and play with the kids. Not worry about housework or laundry etc. Doesn't make him sexist he just doesn't want to spend his little time at home doing chores.

[honeylulu]

Is there any chance of both? i.e.baby goes to nursery and the lady could do a couple of hours housework and meal prep each afternoon?
I dont think having her full time is a great deal as she can't drop off and collect the older children. That's generally a benefit of having a nanny - they cover everything child related. Plus I would HATE someone else coming to live with us.

[Pendu]

One of the original plans was both until I pointed out it was an expensive way of having a housekeeper. Originally my childcare was funded and DH suggested she come and help, but since all dc would have been in school/ nursery all she would have done is cooking and housework which isn't that much if everyone's out all day, plus naturally I would still be doing a fair chunk of it.

I know myself - once I have the dc it's impossible in reality I can leave and go far for long hours , nursery was different as it was nearly in the next door building.

It's nursery or nothing - we live too far for it to be feasible in reality , I'd probably end up depressed .

It would make sense to get someone come and clean just an hour every day or so but DH doesn't see this

I think a big chunk of it is wanting to help her out , she really is a great lady but her husband wasn't good to her and she's always in menial jobs and renting rooms since she left but we can't afford to sustain her in a job that doesn't really suit dc or I ...

[Stevefromstevenage]

Pendu I think you should consider deferring for a year. In one year your husbands childcare option makes an awful lot of sense. Reading the OP I did not realise you have 3 other children. That is an extremely busy house and it definitely complicates things. In one year having a nanny/housekeeper in the house for 2 full days would be an absolute godsend but leaving a 3 month old BF baby home with the nanny is going to make everyone's life tricky.

I studied part time while BF and with 2 older children and it was far, far easier because the baby was not completely boob dependent and was taking solids. In fact I did not express at all and he naturally reverse cycled.

We handle deferrals in all kinds of situations in work but you circumstances would be a shoe in. You should definitely consider it.

[Naicehamshop]

FruitCider Why don't you read the bloody thread? The OP said she could be out of the house for 12 hours some days.

[dimples76]

From the perspective of a university lecturer I would say that your decision to defer seems like a sensible choice here. I understand your eagerness to complete your studies so that you can start earning again and your husband can cut back his hours but I think you would miss so much semester one teaching that it would be very stressful to try and catch up.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I have to agree with dimples - I think the decision to defer is the right one for you and your family. You can always keep up with reading etc. to stay ahead of the game, but you'll be far better waiting until your baby is on solids to start in earnest. Good luck

[blinkowl]

Can I ask why you don't get the childcare grant? Have they changed the rules?

[DKPANESAR]

Wow. I can't even imagine your life. It's making me anxious just thinking about it. I have a busy and demanding career. So does my husband. We have a 12 hour a day nanny, 4 days a week (while i work). A cleaner three days a week. Grandmothers galore in between and the odd babysitter.
I don't ever cook for my husband. He orders in or cooks for himself (OK-takeaway!) we are both adults and we look after ourselves. I only have one child and would never have another while we are so stretched. Might consider one when my (on the job, fully paid) training is over. When do you spend time together as a family? This situation is my nightmare.

[Jeledaka]

What about once baby is 3 months put him/her in the nursery until say 9 or 12 months old and get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week then go with his idea of the woman coming in?

[ginger1976]

You need to pull rank luv, play the mum card and tell him you can't do it, baby has to be near you. End of.

[Cantstopeatingchocolate]

Sorry I've not RTWT yet.
But surely it's better for you to have some one to cook and clean the house while you're out. It'll mean you don't have to do it.
I get not wanting to be so far from baby but it might help you out in the long term ESP as your DH works so much.