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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else have these morbid thoughts (baby)

100 replies

ByTheWater · 03/08/2016 16:01

N:c in case I'm properly weird

Walking with newborn (5 days) along riverside, had this awful thought that I could drop - or even in a moment of madness, tip - her over the barrier and she'd be totally done for. Just the thought of her sinking in the water with no means of saving herself scared the shit out of me.

The thought of her being so vulnerable and with only me to keep her safe left me really breathless and panicky. And then I wanted to cry at how little and helpless she is.

She's not my pfb and I remember having similar thoughts near a large pond with my eldest.

Why the hell would my brain do that to me?

OP posts:

2ManySweets · 03/08/2016 20:05

loving?!?!??

living

crazywriter · 03/08/2016 20:16

Happens to me all the time. We've just moved into an apartment 7 floors up with a balcony. I'm forever thinking about how the girls or me and the girls could go over. They'don't have no chance of survival and I'm forever thinking about escape routes and what I could do to keep them safe if the balcony was the only exit.

I think it's a parent thing. My DH says he has the same thoughts.

Whatsername17 · 03/08/2016 20:19

Mine was being car jacked after I put dd into the car and whilst I walked around to the driver side. Someone would hit me over the head, steal my car and my baby and I'd never see her again. I think it is all part of the new parent crazy. I'm certain insurance hormone induced.

Amy214 · 03/08/2016 20:25

I get this mostly when i'm driving i constantly think about the oncoming traffic 'what if that person fell asleep and i swerved and killed us both?' 'would we die instantly if that lorry crashed into us?' i imagine everything (i thought i was the only one) its getting better as dd is getting older but i still have the odd moment where my heart skips a beat. The worse thing to happen to dd was when the front wheels of her buggy got stuck down the side of the train as we were getting off. I couldn't pull the buggy back up and if i let go of the handle the whole thing would've flipped over. I shouted for help and people were shocked (luckily it was busy) but i was terrified that the doors were going to shut and her buggy was going to get pulled under with her still in it, im so glad that someone helped us quickly, we haven't been on a train since.

OutOfTime · 03/08/2016 20:27

About a week after having my baby I went shopping, put him on the floor of the car park in his car seat whilst I strapped toddler into the car. The car park was massive and empty and the sky was getting dark looking like rain and i looked at him all alone in his new clothes and car seat and just sobbed my heart out imagining him there all alone while we drove off! I sobbed all the way home then randomly for weeks after picturing his little face. DH was

reallywittyname · 03/08/2016 20:36

Oh god I am so glad you started this thread op because I do it too and I have never been able to talk to anyone about them. I have recently started taking sertraline for PND, I hope it helps to quieten them down because it can be so distressing to have these horrible thoughts.

evilnaggingwife · 03/08/2016 20:50

Wow this has really helped me! I had no idea it was like this for others. When my son was born I had this and it's gotten to the point of me not being able to drive because I was scared I could hurt him! I've not driven in months. I had several months of cbt with a great therapist and she has helped me loads but it's still ongoing. I've always had slightly intrusive thoughts (harm ocd ranging) but when my son was born it was so much worse. Slowly getting better...thanks op for starting the thread

Ihatechoosingnames · 03/08/2016 20:53

Although these thoughts are somewhat normal please keep an eye on yourself - I got intrusive thoughts after my sons birth and it became more frequent and distressing. I had quite bad PND and postnatal anxiety. The thoughts were a form of OCD. If they get worse or become so frequent it affects you please see your doctor. I suffered for 2 years and didn't get help til my 2nd baby was born and treatment has changed my life.

evilnaggingwife · 03/08/2016 20:57

I agree with Ihate. My therapist said intrusive thoughts are common and most people dismiss them and give them no thought. I however give them too much time, get very upset and dwell on them. Causing anxiety. In order to reduce the anxiety behaviours start to creep in (avoiding driving for example) that is then a form of ocd. It is not a good place to be let me tell you! But therapy does help.

RoboticSealpup · 03/08/2016 21:07

I was going to say YANBU anyway, but reading this thread makes me realise how common this is. I had so much of this with DD (20 months), and still do to some extent. I kept thinking things like: 'She's so perfect and I love her so much, if she ever gets killed or seriously hurt and it's my fault, I will kill myself.'

The love you have for your baby can manifest in some pretty dark ways.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2016 23:01

Had this in spades. Still do and DS is 26 months.

My obsession was stairs. Stairs terrified me until very recently.

It's good to talk about it, because it feels like such a taboo and so people suffer in silence.

geekymommy · 04/08/2016 02:11

Does it help to know that you're extremely unlikely to act on this kind of thought? That's certainly true if you're distressed by them.

Trying to push them away doesn't work very well. What can help is to say to yourself, "I'm having intrusive thoughts again." You're not a horrible person or crazy because you're having thoughts like this, so you don't need to worry about that. Just because you're thinking about these things doesn't mean you're likely to do them, or that you're some kind of monster.

Don't believe everything you think.

seahorse106 · 04/08/2016 02:34

I did a pediatric first aid course and ever since then have had an awful fear of my dd choking in front of me and not being able to save her.

liquidrevolution · 04/08/2016 06:53

Never had it with DD so it was a bit of a shock to have this when I was cuddling my nephew at the end of a pier. Scared the hell out of me!

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/08/2016 07:03

I've had this, and I also get the urge to throw myself off high places. I think they're related.

RainyDayBear · 04/08/2016 07:52

It's really nice and I hear how normal this is. I have this with DD and remember when she was newborn I hated walking over the bridge on my way into town because I worried someone could throw her in the river. Like others have said I think your body is just super vigilant to any potential harm.

RainyDayBear · 04/08/2016 07:52

Nice TO hear, even!

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/08/2016 08:09

I do this all the time. My kids are 4 and 5yo and I've done it since they were tiny. I've also done it on my own account though ('I could just jump over the wall and fall down onto the A road below me. It would be easy. There is nothing to stop me.'

It was the lack of protective barrier that freaked me out. Why am I trusted to not kill myself?!

verytiredmummy1 · 04/08/2016 08:18

Yes all the time. Glad it's common. I thought I was going mental!

Chwaraeteg · 04/08/2016 09:54

Yes, quite a lot. I don't know if you've read 'What mothers do, even when it looks like nothing' (I think that's the title) but there's a section where this is discussed. The Author reckons its a sort of protection mechanism - women imagine doing these things and then experience sadness so that in stressful times, when they do want to throw the baby in the lake / out the window / whatever, then they will remember how devastated they will feel!

Personally though, I reckon it's more about anxiety. Anxiety of being totally responsible for the life of the person you love so much - and not trusting yourself/

heron98 · 04/08/2016 10:21

I have that when I'm driving.

I think "I could just steer the car right into the other lane and kill us all".

I never would! And I don't know where the thoughts come from.

Weird.

Memoires · 04/08/2016 11:09

As Ihate said, if those thoughts become very frequent, hard to dismiss, or start having a detrimental effect on how you live your life,mplease go and see your gp. While it seems to be normal to a certain extent, as with so many things, it can get out of hand so take comfort that you're not alone but also keep an eye on yourself and how much these sort of thoughts affect you.

Don't be scared; for all of you dealing with this.

iusedtobecool · 04/08/2016 11:15

Out of Time, I've a tear after reading that. It was so descriptive. That is exactly the sort of thing I would get emotional about too.

OhFuds · 04/08/2016 11:22

I get the driving one too, if I have all my DC's in the car I think one slight wrong move and I could wipe us all out...either off the bridge or onto the oncoming cars.

Same if I'm walking the dog's along the water, I often imagine one of my DC's falling in.

MermaidTears · 04/08/2016 12:05

verybitchy although l just laughed at your post I do understand. I often have 'irrational' and intrusive thought s of my kitten going in the washing machine or tumble drier and me accidentally drowning/burning her alive.I also have a form of OCD

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