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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about these weekends away?

58 replies

SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 15:33

MIL has just informed DH & I that she has booked to take DSC away for the weekend in a couple of weeks.
This happens 2-3 times a year, she doesn't ask DH if it's OK, just tells us once it's booked.
DH has two children from previous marriage (DSSs 10&9), and he has two with me (DDs 6&4).
These weekends away have happened the whole time I've known DH, I've lost count of the number of times we have had to cancel/rearrange plans because MIL is taking DSC away.
I've always assumed that once my girls were old enough she would start including them in these weekends away, but she has never once even suggested it.
However, DH always takes the girls and they all stay together in this caravan. So it's MIL,FIL, DH and all 4 children. The caravan only sleeps 6 but they squeeze 7 in, no room for me.
So I stay at home on my own.
I work 3 weekends out of 4 so I'm usually working whilst this is going on so I've always just gone along with it because there's no point in my girls missing out on fun if I'm busy working anyway.
But I always let DH know that I don't agree with the way MIL goes about these trips, that she doesn't check with us before she books them and she treats the kids so differently - DSC get far far more trips and treats than my kids. She's never even taken my kids for a trip to the park, let alone a holiday or big days out that DSC get. I do not understand how a grandparent can treat her grandchildren SO unfairly.

But he's never said any of this to MIL so it just carries on.

I'm even more annoyed about the upcoming trip as it falls on my weekend off.
I don't want my kids and hubby to be leaving me on the only weekend I get to spend with them in the month....but if I put my foot down and say 'no' then my girls will be missing out on a weekend away which they love and my DSSs would be gutted that Dad hasn't joined them.

I've priced up getting a second caravan but it's just too expensive, if we'd had more notice we could have saved up but I can't just pull a few hundred pounds out of thin air at the last minute.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 03/08/2016 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 15:47

He just sighs and says he doesn't know what to do and defends his mum.
Sometimes he will say he will speak to his Mum about it but he never does.

Every time this happens I tell him it is the last time and that he needs to speak to his Mum and tell her a) she's not treating the kids fairly and b) he needs to be asked before she books anything.

6-7 years down the line nothing has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 15:48

oh and he plays the victim - it's not fair on him because he can't please everybody. If he goes then it upsets me, if he doesn't go then the kids are upset (and probably his mum too).

OP posts:
FerdinandsMassiveBollocks · 03/08/2016 15:51

You have got a dh problem, but you also have a you problem. They are your children.

Don't let her take the kids. Let them stay home and do something lovely with you and make it clear that this doesn't happen anymore ever. Or start being busy and having (uncancellable) plans when she announces it and you go without DH as he seems happy to fuck off and leave you to it.

ParadiseCity · 03/08/2016 15:52

I feel for you. Yes the problem is DH, I think I would pop round with DH to MILs and say 'DH has been meaning to talk to you about holidays, we have realised it is not fair on x and y that a and b get so many more treats, and as we don't all fit in the caravan now, its not working so well for our family. So we've been having a rethink haven't we DH'

FerdinandsMassiveBollocks · 03/08/2016 15:52

His mother is being rude Hmm if she is going to be upset because he asks for a sensible request that they are going away it's not your problem.

pinkie1982 · 03/08/2016 15:52

Apart from this are you on good terms with MIL where you can say something?

ReActiv · 03/08/2016 15:58

I agree with ParadiseCity

Just be brave and say exactly that comment, as above, very matter of factly. It will be awkward as hell but the relief you will feel afterwards will make it all worth it. Clearly your DH isn't going to do anything about it now it's gone on for almost a decade, so I think you have to go over his head to regain some control in this situation.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:00

Thanks massivebollocks - you are right, I do need to assert myself on this matter....well I do assert myself but then I give in and let them go because I usually end up feeling like I'm being the unreasonable one.

OP posts:
bitemyshinymetalass · 03/08/2016 16:01

He does nothing, but then neither do you. He makes empty promises, you make empty threats, MIL carries on.

Nothing will change unless YOU change it. Are you going to?

mydietstartsmonday · 03/08/2016 16:02

I wouldn't stop them completely, if you are working there is no problem with them going away and enjoy your time.
HOWEVER, it is not right it falls on your weekend off - so put your foot down and say no to this weekend.

Don't be petty about the other w/e's but stop this one now as it is just not fair on you.

Tough if everyone gets upset they can deal with it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2016 16:04

Definite DH problem. Your MIL probably has no idea how much she's disrupting your lives, because no one has said so. She gets away with it because no one says "actually we're going to Z that weekend so no, you can't take the DSs, sorry, you should have checked with us before you booked".
If she DOES know and is doing it anyway, then you have a bigger problem. But still your DH is the biggest issue - he needs to stand up for his little family now!

Your DDs won't mind missing one weekend away, will they? Or do you not want them to miss out (in the interests of keeping things fair between all the DC)?

Also, how does your MIL get away with this where the DSs mother is concerned - or does she only do it on your DH's contact weekends?

Either way, something has to give here, this is unpleasant.
Angry and Thanks for you.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:05

pinkie we're on reasonably good terms, we had one disagreement about 2 years ago.
We don't have anything in common apart from a mutual love of DH and the kids, we're very different people but we get on.
But I get the distinct impression that she wishes that DH still lived with her with the DCs visiting at weekends. I think she was VERY happy when DH's marriage came to an end and he moved in with her.
I feel like I'm in the way and it would suit her if I wasn't around.

OP posts:
GummyBunting · 03/08/2016 16:11

This would be a firm no from me. You take all 4 or non at all.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:13

thumbwitches no DDs won't mind missing one weekend, we can make it so they don't even know. They get lots of breaks with us anyway (as do DSC), so it's not as though they are going without.

MIL tends to only book these things with DSSs during DH's weekends with them or during the time she has them in the school holidays (she uses most of her annual leave to look after them in the school hols but can't have mine for an hour or two!).
But I do know that DH's ex did complain a couple of years ago about MIL booking a concert/show for a night they were with their mum and she only found out about it a couple of nights before.
She also booked to take them abroad in the school holidays without checking with their mum....I'd be furious!

OP posts:
DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 03/08/2016 16:13

She should check first but other than that she seems to be trying to keep a relationship with her grandchildren after the split.

You don't sound like you like her much so your partner likely feels stuck between his mum and girlfriend. He should never be in the position of having to choose.

Janecc · 03/08/2016 16:16

Oh so that's what it's all about. Trying to split you up. No no no. Do not let the children go under any circumstance. She booked and will likely loose her money. TOUGH. Yes, you do have a DH problem. I also think you have an MIL/grandma problem because she is not treating the children the same.

Your time as a family is special because you only get it 12/13 weekends a year. It's summertime so these are the best months. Sod splitting you all up in August! If your dh won't deal with it, I imagineyou will have to I'm afraid.

I'm really cross for the youngest 2 children. It sounds as if she'd be happy if the 3 of you just disappeared! If she wants to take the children away, she takes them all away or takes it in turns. That's if you think the 6/4 yr olds are OK to go with her. And only if you agree. Right now, I'd be refusing everything until she understands you mean business.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2016 16:20

Ha. Yes, the situation is rather worse than it first appeared then, if she's also pissing off the ex with her high-handed ways! AND if she's trying to just keep her boy and his children together, without any interfering competition for her son's affection from another adult woman (i.e. you, now).

This needs to stop. I don't actually see how your DH can defend the indefensible - I can see that he doesn't want to challenge her on it, because he's too scared/soft/compliant/doesn't want to upset the applecart - but he's being utterly wet about it and needs to sort himself out.

Zxzx · 03/08/2016 16:23

If your DH hasn't said anything to his Mum in 6/7 years then you can hardly blame her for thinking it's ok. You only mention your MIL, does you FIL not have a say in anything either.

TBH if I were you I'd let them all go and enjoy the weekend to myself.

When they get back tell them all that next time you want to go with them and that you will save up for an extra caravan.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:32

You don't sound like you like her much so your partner likely feels stuck between his mum and girlfriend. He should never be in the position of having to choose.
I don't dislike her as a person, I don't actually think she means any harm - I think she just doesn't THINK.
I dislike the way she treats my girls so differently to my DSSs, it makes me sad and angry that she doesn't seem to love them as much.
I agree she is just trying to mantain the close relationship she had with DSSs before DH got remarried but it's her who is putting DH in the awkward position of having to choose whether he stays with his wife and kids or go away with his Mum and other two kids.
Or if DH takes the girls with him then why should I miss out on my precious time with my kids?

OP posts:
Pearlman · 03/08/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missgraeme · 03/08/2016 16:35

Your dh needs reminding who he made vows to!! Surely it should be u and dh and all the kids!??

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:41

Your dh needs reminding who he made vows to!! Surely it should be u and dh and all the kids!??
Yes exactly my sentiment! I have absolutely no problem with MIL having the kids, taking them away etc but FFS ask us and treat them all equally. That's all I ask!

You only mention your MIL, does you FIL not have a say in anything either.
FIL just goes along with whatever, he's just the taxi lol. That's probably why DH never speaks up to his Mum...learnt it from his Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunFlower222 · 03/08/2016 16:46

At least I know I'm not BU.
DH will be home shortly so I'll speak to him about it again tonight and let him know me and the girls are going to have a nice weekend together that weekend, maybe have a drive to the seaside if it's nice.
I can't control what he does and I have no right to say what happens with DSSs but I can say what happens with my kids, and they will be spending the weekend with me.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 03/08/2016 16:46

"Oh dear, I'm afraid us 4 won't be able to come this time, as its Sunflower's only weekend off that month and we have plans together. What a shame that the children will miss out on their time together.

I think that in future we should agree dates that suit all of the children before making holiday bookings - it'd be awful if you and Dad keep having to miss out on having all your GC together because of a clash of dates that could have been avoided.

As a family of 6, our weekends all together are so precious, so please check with us first in future to make sure we're free and there is space for all of us."