to be annoyed about these weekends away?

[SunFlower222]

MIL has just informed DH & I that she has booked to take DSC away for the weekend in a couple of weeks.
This happens 2-3 times a year, she doesn't ask DH if it's OK, just tells us once it's booked.
DH has two children from previous marriage (DSSs 10&9), and he has two with me (DDs 6&4).
These weekends away have happened the whole time I've known DH, I've lost count of the number of times we have had to cancel/rearrange plans because MIL is taking DSC away.
I've always assumed that once my girls were old enough she would start including them in these weekends away, but she has never once even suggested it.
However, DH always takes the girls and they all stay together in this caravan. So it's MIL,FIL, DH and all 4 children. The caravan only sleeps 6 but they squeeze 7 in, no room for me.
So I stay at home on my own.
I work 3 weekends out of 4 so I'm usually working whilst this is going on so I've always just gone along with it because there's no point in my girls missing out on fun if I'm busy working anyway.
But I always let DH know that I don't agree with the way MIL goes about these trips, that she doesn't check with us before she books them and she treats the kids so differently - DSC get far far more trips and treats than my kids. She's never even taken my kids for a trip to the park, let alone a holiday or big days out that DSC get. I do not understand how a grandparent can treat her grandchildren SO unfairly.

But he's never said any of this to MIL so it just carries on.

I'm even more annoyed about the upcoming trip as it falls on my weekend off.
I don't want my kids and hubby to be leaving me on the only weekend I get to spend with them in the month....but if I put my foot down and say 'no' then my girls will be missing out on a weekend away which they love and my DSSs would be gutted that Dad hasn't joined them.

I've priced up getting a second caravan but it's just too expensive, if we'd had more notice we could have saved up but I can't just pull a few hundred pounds out of thin air at the last minute.

WWYD?

First of all, it is out of line to arrange ANYTHING with kids without asking the parents first! No way is that acceptable. She is being totally unreasonable! However well meaning the gesture is, you bloody well ask the parents first!

Agree with other posters that you need to have a calm, quiet word with your DH about how this is handled. I think a critical thing is for you both to decide as a team what your boundaries are, and especially what your 'red lines' are that will NOT be crossed. And then you hold to them together. The important thing is that your DH isn't placed in the middle of a tug of war between you and his parents, but that you decide as an adult team what you will do, and support each other in executing it.

Finally, can you not all go away together? Why not have it as one, large family group rather than as this 'other' family, from which you and your kids are so noticeably excluded? That might break down the boundaries a little, which your MIL seems to be artificially cultivating!

Well done u!! Huge pat on the back! Even if your dh can't man up to her then u must!!

well I do assert myself but then I give in and let them go because I usually end up feeling like I'm being the unreasonable one.

You are not. Even slightly.

It is a bit mad to expect people to give up their holiday plans or any plans because you have told them you are taking their children away.

Very controlling.

So does she take time off to look after the DSC when it's officially their mother's time to have them, so she's doing your DP's ExW a favour, not you/him?

I think a line needs to be drawn and tell your DP you aren't going to allow MIL to treat 2 of her grandchildren differently to the other 2, all 4DGC should be treated equally.

Point out to DP if he ever really means it that he's going to say something, that this gives the perfect opportunity to do so as she's picked a weekend that you aren't working. He calls and says "Hi Mum, sorry, we've checked but that weekend doesn't work for us for the children going away, Sunflower isn't working and we planned to do something with all 4 children. You really need to check with us first. Also, we've been talking about it and my younger 2 are getting old enough to notice they are being treated differently to their older brothers, so from now on, you either take all 4 or not at all, I know you don't mean to, but you are going to cause resentment between the siblings. If there's an issue with car space, then we can sort something out for lifts."

oh but I think you are wrong to say that the DSS should be without your DDs, it is reinforcing that you aren't a unit. It could be your MIL is used to doing stuff like this because she is used to dealing directly with your DP's exW if she cares for the DSSs when it's really exW's time with them - MIL hasn't accepted that as their Step-mother you should have more say in what happens in the time they are in yours and DP's care than she does. That you are her son's partner, and mother to his youngest children, not her older grandchildren's step-mother. She perhaps doesn't see all 4 children as siblings at all, but 2 separate family units that her son has. (this is very common for extended family to view blended families like this and really struggle to view younger half siblings as the brother/sister of an older child).

Your dh is a bit of a chicken isn't he.
it's about time he prioritised you for a while, rather than his mother.
so sorry for you
Why do some women end up with crocks of shit like this?

So does she take time off to look after the DSC when it's officially their mother's time to have them, so she's doing your DP's ExW a favour, not you/him? yes it is during their Mum's time that she has DSSs in the holidays, it's arranged between their mum and MIL, DH also often loses his weekend with them because of it.
Eg they'll go to MIL Mon-Fri and stay with their Mum at the weekend, again DH usually finds out about it at the last minute. He'll go and see them in the evenings but it's not the same as having them here for the weekend.

You and your dh both need to get assertive. Why do you allow her to take the children when you have things planned? In future, don't cancel your plans, and just say No when she says she wants the children. Don't back down. To use a mn's phrase, you are 'enabling' her behaviour.

Your DH needs to stand up to his mother. He's allowing her to treat him, you and your DC's as less important than her. No way should he be losing contact time because of an arrangement between his mother and his ex. The holiday thing is the tip of the iceberg in this one!

It may be that his ex also hates it but is afraid to rock the boat of she's heavily reliant on tour mil for childcare

I think.....

As a stand

Your DH needs to say sorry the boys can't come that weekend because we want to do something as a family, if it comes as a financial loss so be it. She shouldn't be booking things without checking you don't already have a wedding/birthday/outing/tickets for that weekend and it should be done every time she does it without checking until she gets the message.

It sounds like your MIL sees herself as more of the 2nd parent than your DH. And she certainly sees herself as more important than their step-mother in deciding what should happen with them.

Your DH needs to stand up to his mum, apart from anything else, she is going to create a big wedge between the 2 sets of DCs. He can't prioritise his mother's feelings over a healthy relationship between all 4 children.

(Plus if it's not you that relies on her for childcare but the exW, it's not like you have to worry she spits her dummy out and given the choice between having all 4 or none picks none)

It is not ok that she decides with your DH's exW that he will lose his access time with his children because it suits them for childcare reasons. It wouldn't be OK if the exW used any other form of childcare which meant the children weren't available for his access time, the fact that the (free) childcare she's using is a member of his family doesn't mean it's any less of his time and he should be his choice if he lets his DCs go to his Mums rather than spend it with him/their sisters.

This is a damaging family dynamic which will lead to the boys and girls all feeling like they are part of the same family.

I wouldn't let any of the children go on the holiday she has booked. You are a family unit. It is important the children see it that way for their well being and that they are treated completely fairly. And yes, you have a big say as the stepmother. She doesn't get to overrule you just because she is biologically related to your dss's.

Spot on dinosaur. She does act just like the second parent.

Even if they haven't already noticed, it won't be much longer before your girls catch on to the unfairness of it all and the treats they are missing out on. How will you (or DH) explain the situation?
I feel pretty hurt on your behalf and agree with PP that enough is enough. Be brave!

You need to put your foot down with your husband, OP.

He talks to her or you do.

You need to say no to the weekend she's booked without asking. You need to say all the kids must be included for now on, and no more family holidays when you're excluded. That's just mean and hurtful.

You have to advocate for yourself and your children. She is creating issues that will arise between all the children in future if this isn't nipped very soon. She is clearly favouring some over others, and you and DH are letting her. Boundaries. Needed.

It sounds like your MIL sees herself as more of the 2nd parent than your DH. And she certainly sees herself as more important than their step-mother in deciding what should happen with them.
you're 100% right there, she doesn't respect DH a their father and she definitely doesn't respect me as their step mother, in fact I'd say she's jealous that there is another woman (me) playing a parenting role to them. She will reguarly undermine me - eg if the boys ask for a snack and I say ''no you're dinner is nearly ready'' she would say ''there's some biscuits in the kitchen, go and get one''.

The whole situation is messed up, the trouble is I don't feel it's my place to say what happens with the boys, that's DH's place to put his foot down.
I will discuss it with DH tonight and try going down the route of 'we're a family unit and we should be together at the weekend and WE should be deciding what happens - not his mum'. But if he doesn't agree then he can F off and I will treat the girls to a lovely girly weekend.

If he doesn't agree, then I think you need to talk to MIL and tell him you can't over step him re what happens to his DSs, but your two DDs are your responsibility, and you will point out to MIL her behaviour and obvious favoritism is undermining her relationship with her granddaughters and creating a wedge between the 4 siblings.

That all has to stop. DH needs to hang onto his weekends like crazy, and not allow them to be taken away from him. If the boys are with his mum, then he picks them up from her as he would pick them up from his ex.

Your weekends off need to be protected, so your girls stay with you and so does dh.

MIL is doing this because she can. DH has to stand up to her, and just sighing and languishing is pathetic. You both need to stand up and stop it - you've started and dh needs to get your back on that, as well as stand up for his own relationship with his children too.

MIL should always go through dh, who should always consult with you.

Just gonna throw it out there.... Why can't they book an 8 berth caravan so you can all go?!

You sound like a great stepmum, OP. I hope you get this sorted because you and the kids deserve better. [flower]

"But I get the distinct impression that she wishes that DH still lived with her with the DCs visiting at weekends. I think she was VERY happy when DH's marriage came to an end and he moved in with her."

"MIL has just informed DH & I that she has booked to take DSC away for the weekend ...they all stay together in this caravan. So it's MIL,FIL, DH and all 4 children. The caravan only sleeps 6 but they squeeze 7 in, no room for me."

Looking at these two pieces of information side by side - she books, so I'm assuming it's not a caravan she owns? So there should be a choice of caravans and she's choosing one that won't accommodate YOU. Thus recreating the situation she used to have, with her son all to herself.

I've priced up getting a second caravan but it's just too expensive, if we'd had more notice we could have saved up but I can't just pull a few hundred pounds out of thin air at the last minute.

Since she has form for this I'd save up anyway next year and add yourself to the holiday.

Although I think it's outrageous that your 'D' H is prepared to leave you out every year without objection.

Looking at these two pieces of information side by side - she books, so I'm assuming it's not a caravan she owns? So there should be a choice of caravans and she's choosing one that won't accommodate YOU. Thus recreating the situation she used to have, with her son all to herself

This. It's a bit naughty op she is doing so she can play mummy to them all. If she wanted you there she would book some where big enough.

If it was a real problem to your Dh he would say no. He doesn't think it's that big an issue. Infact he prob really enjoys himself being mothered for the weekend too.

I would either

1. insist on going and squeezing in no matter who sleeps where and being the life and soul.

2. book a caravan on the same site do you and the girls can go in with you - as you want to keep the family together

3. book some where lovely and really enjoy it with your girls

OP have you posted about this before? It sounds very similar to another poster's issue a few weeks ago.. I'll try and search for it