To want to tell my moody mother to get grip and that its not anyone elses fault if she's had a shit day.

[Runny]

Just that really.

For as long as I can remember my DM has been very unpredictable. Fine one minute and suddenly moody the next. As a child and teenager I felt I was constantly walking on egg shells around her as you never knew what you were going to get, but when she was in one of her moods you knew about it. She didn't even really need to say anything either, it would be one word answer to questions usually in a snappy tone, loud long sighs, cupboards and doors slammed etc.

She would never give a reason either and if you asked what was wrong you'd be told 'nothing' but clearly there was something but we were supposed to be mind readers abbot what it was. Then a few hours later shed be back to normal with no explanation, until the next bloody time.

This has turned me into the biggest people pleaser ever, and I fully blame my DM for that. Her behaviour has continued into my adulthood, I work with kids and wouldnt tolerate it from a child, so why should I take it from her. My response now is to be really, really cheerful and upbeat to her when she's like this. I suspect it probably makes things worse and it's achallenge because I just want to tell her to geta grip, everyone has bad days and we have to deal with it.

Honestly it drives me crackers!

My people!! So much of this thread is about my mother. The moodiness and strops when she doesn't get her own way. I get anxiety before I see her as the face she has on her immediately shows she is going to be easy or difficult. My teens were spent in an anxious state, I couldn't tell her anything as it would just cause her anxiety and upset that would then make me feel guilty for upsetting her. She can be really critical and hurtful and she has no boundaries when it comes to commenting on people's lives. What I find most odd is she can be incredibly rude and offensive but is highly sensitive/touchy and reacts strongly to even the mildest of criticism. It's so at odds. I don't know what happened to cause this. Early divorce maybe although I suspect she was like this at a young age and perhaps that's why her marriage broke down. I don't know as she's never reflected on anything in her own life to me. She relishes picking apart the lives of others though. Her parents and siblings were lovely people. At the moment we are going on holiday and she is trying to make me feel guilty for not inviting her along. I'd feel terrible if me and DH imposed on DD like this when she is an adult.

OP are you my sister?!

I have one of these too. Very hard work.

And the guilt tripping. Oh the guilt tripping! My mum recently moved back to live near me and its stating to wear me down. She has wanted to see me every day, and if I don't want to one day she huffs. I recently said I couldn't go to see her as we were going to pop into MILs for our laptop that we left (so important) and the next day she told me she actually cried because of that.

Whenever I do see her she is so negative it brings me down. Everything is shit, her life is shit, she hates everyone and everything irritates her. I'm trying to be supportive but it's so draining.

I thought about starting a thread in relationships but don't know how to word it without sounding ungrateful. I can't talk to friends about it as they're all best mates with their mum and think I'm super lucky that she's near by

Oh Pinky, the loneliness when everyone else is best mates with their mum is dreadful. I'm seeing my family this weekend but I can't tell anyone at work because I simply cannot face the 'oh how 'lovely!' comments it won't be lovely, I'm dreadinv it. Long story.

I hear you. Boundaries are the way forward. You are not your mother's cheerleader, or therapist, or reason for living, or anything else. You are a separate person from her. And you absolutely need to put your own health and sanity first

I honestly thought my mum was the only one..I've spent years trying to please her and if things didn't go her way she would just drop contact for however long she saw fit..

We've done a few weeks nc, to a few months and now we are coming up to 2 years nc!! Previously after she has finished going nc, she would phone me up like nothing had happened, well I've had enough of her trying to control my life and thinking my son is hers because she saw him being born...erm hello..I gave birth to him thank you very much.

Over the years, she has lost a lot of friends and it's pretty much just her and step dad who is just as bad..

At the age of 30, I'm starting to struggle with the emotional abuse I have suffered over the years..someone please tell me how to manage it?

Heavy duty therapy and a lot of space between you and your monster-mother!

Mine is so like other posters on here :)

I wonder what one would make of another? I'd love to see what happens if you put a few of them in a locked room for a few hours! Can't imagine what bonkers ness would happen? Or would they become strangely normal?!

My DM didn't want my db to go to uni What sort of parent doesn't want more?

My father didn't fully acknowledge I went.

My father would have chosen all our careers for us if he could've, none of his choices being what we wanted. I remember it clearly "You can be a..." like it was dolls and a game

It's still clear that the reason why and for so many other things was that he

a) wanted us to do well and certainly better than the kids of couples he felt inferior to

b) BUT that we had to be within his sphere and couldn't exceed him in some way

(we all have)

Everysongbird. My mother is a narcissist. Vicious and nasty. Far worse than ops from the sound of it. Your post has just clicked in me. So was my father. No wonder I'm so emotionally fragile. He also chose my brothers career - he died before he could choose mind. And brother is now an accountant, not a metal worker. How could he not see his children?

Pinky please do post you will find the words.
shopaholic why did you let your mother anywhere near you? Mine was told she wasn't coming up under no certain terms. She obeyed but she does life 1.5 hours away.

Are you talking about my mother Donald? She's mid 70's dear. That really doesn't wind me up dear. It just makes me think you have massive feelings of inadequacy to compensate for a part of your anatomy, which is quite the opposite.

My biggest problem with my dm is that as well as being how I've explained up thread she's also very nice sometimes. She has done some very nice things for me, she has been there when I really needed her and is a really great granny. It all depends on her mood that day. She also cries about what she's like sometimes and has had counselling and ads before. She had a very damaging childhood.

The problem was she didn't break the cycle. She doesn't want to be this complete bitch but she can't help herself. I have gone nc with her when she's been really awful to me but she cries to everyone about it. She does try to be a good mum I think but then the other day she told me she wasn't like so and so she didn't live for her kids she lives her life for her and I should to.

I wish she could either be nice or horrible but she Swings one end to other and never in between.

Yes, my DM can be very nice as well. That's the thing isn't it though? The unpredictability. If she's in a good mood she's kind, funny and good company, if she's in a bad mood she's megative, snipy, bitchy unkind. I recognise the rudeness about other people, although she'd never say it to their faces she's often very rude about other peoples lives, choices, their appearance etc. But if someone ever made similar comments about her she'd hit the roof, I think a lot of it is jealousy really.

Interesting thread. My DM ticks a lot of these boxes and I have learned , over the years, how to cope with her by limiting the time of my visits to her.
However, due to having work done in her house, she is coming to stay with me for two weeks. It cannot be helped and I am dreading it.
I need coping strategies please.
She is particularly bad first thing in the morning. She won't talk or just gives rude responses. Conversation is very difficult with her and she has no interest in me or my family.
Tips, please.

Yes runny my dm is very jealous of others.

She has a nice house, car, clothes and gadgets with a holiday every year but she still isn't satisfied with her life. That's where the jealousy and spite towards other people comes from.

If you're not happy with yourself you're never going to be happy for others.

She doesn't even like maternity leave and pay! She doesn't see why other women should have it when she didn't.

My DM is similar - gets in massive moods for no reason and is vile to everyone, my poor dad gets it in the neck the most.

Now I'm grown up I'm much less tolerant. On one occasion I had driven two hours to visit her and left as soon as I walked in as she was in such a grump. She was stunned! She now lives abroad and I once moved my flight home forward when she started on me. And if she's vile to my dad I'll call her out on it, no matter if she turns on me.

She's lovely in so many ways but just can't talk about her feelings rationally. Removing myself from the situation is most effective and she actively tries to be better as a result.

Wow, it seems like there are loads of these folk around! I can only hope that they don't behave like this at work too, or you'd end up with something like:

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What is the problem?"

"Yeah, right, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"

My mother is like this. On the one hand she could be helpful and kind...very good attributes to have. However, she was also the master of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. If I did something she disapproved of, she would give me the silent treatment and when asked what was wrong, she would reply with one syllable anwsers......

When we argued, I used to be the one to try and sort it out by going to see her. She would take great pleasure in informing me what a bad person I was, I would cry and end up apologising.....to my mother it was all about winning.

I'm now virtually NC with her. I've had therapy and came to realise that she is emotionally a child and that these behaviours really occurred when I was an older child/teenager; as when you are that age, you begin to become your own person....and less easy to control.

to you all

(Maybe get this thread moved to relationships)

My mum's like this... Cannot take criticism, very controlling. Rude and abrupt if things don't go her way. Even stupid things such as she'll call to speak to me and if I'm not there she'll be rude to dh as if it's somehow our fault that I'm not there at that precise moment that she wants to speak to me. I do stand up to her quite a lot though, and the dcs see me doing so which is good.

This is quite a painful thread though as I have a tendency towards moodiness and being stressy too, and I know that dd1 is a bit of a people-pleaser and I can sense when she tries to appease me. I have however always been conscious of NOT turning into my mother, and I do often apologise for my behaviour and explain to them why it was unacceptable, I also tell them why I'm angry and tell them (when it's the case) that it's me not them. I've also had therapy and told the girls that the therapy is for my mood swings.

I have had a huge burden of a secret for years though and find that not being able to talk about it has made me more stressed as it builds up inside quite a lot. The therapy has helped.

But this is a good thread and has reminded me why I must keep on with the self-improvement for the sake of my dds as they grow up.

to you all!

Ahedgehog: my mum was had a highly professional, very respected role. To see her at work you would never have guessed what she was like at home!

I recently said I couldn't go to see her as we were going to pop into MILs for our laptop that we left (so important) and the next day she told me she actually cried because of that

Pinkie this and the extreme negativity within your mother ... could she be depressed? the laptop thing is so over the top that it's not normal, and the severe negativity and irritability can be a sign of depression sometimes. Is it worth checking out?

misc your mother is so far at the extreme end of the Bell Curve that there are no words for it. You've done incredibly well to survive.

This is my mother too. When challenged she likes to threaten to kill herself which is a great way to get me to back down. The first time she did it I was 5 and had to pull the pills out of her mouth! I am 34 and am still afraid she will kill herself and I will feel guilty forever.

mummytolittledragon

I grew up with an abusive father.

At this point I've been in therapy for about 3 years, but during the course of it my therapist has labelled my mother a narcissist - before this time I would've told you that she was 'the only one who cared' and about how vile my father was. Whilst he is and that's true, it's also abundantly clear that my mother engineered and reinforced scenarios to make me feel like she was all I had. She has also rejected me in adulthood for breaking away, and not being the person she insisted I had to be. The irony is, is that the reason I'm not is thanks to the loss of self esteem I suffered from their actions

Hit me up on Private Message if you ever want to talk.

Thanks everysongbird . Your message was really touching.