To want to tell my moody mother to get grip and that its not anyone elses fault if she's had a shit day.

[Runny]

Just that really.

For as long as I can remember my DM has been very unpredictable. Fine one minute and suddenly moody the next. As a child and teenager I felt I was constantly walking on egg shells around her as you never knew what you were going to get, but when she was in one of her moods you knew about it. She didn't even really need to say anything either, it would be one word answer to questions usually in a snappy tone, loud long sighs, cupboards and doors slammed etc.

She would never give a reason either and if you asked what was wrong you'd be told 'nothing' but clearly there was something but we were supposed to be mind readers abbot what it was. Then a few hours later shed be back to normal with no explanation, until the next bloody time.

This has turned me into the biggest people pleaser ever, and I fully blame my DM for that. Her behaviour has continued into my adulthood, I work with kids and wouldnt tolerate it from a child, so why should I take it from her. My response now is to be really, really cheerful and upbeat to her when she's like this. I suspect it probably makes things worse and it's achallenge because I just want to tell her to geta grip, everyone has bad days and we have to deal with it.

Honestly it drives me crackers!

My dm is like this as well. I stopped living with her when I was twelve so my poor dsis and dbro bore the brunt.

A few Christmases ago me and the dc were staying for the night. In the evening I saw on fb cool runnings had started so I told my dbro to put it on and we sat and watched it with my mum fuming and fuming. The film finished she started crying and stropped off upstairs saying very pa that Xmas was for family and not TV. My Ds and db got up and tidied up silently and she came back down when it was tidy and it was never mentioned again.

So bloody weird and I'm so glad I didn't live with her through my teenage years otherwise I'd be as spineless as my people pleasing siblings that didn't manage to escape. I find it really hard being around her even now as I don't know the secret rules that keeps her happy.

Oh god Batcave, that reminds me of the mother of a friend of mine. Friend has 2 brothers, they are all well into their 30s and have children of their own. Friend's mother 'suggested' that it would be 'lovely' if all 3 families went on holiday together along with grandparents. For a week. Sheer bloody madness if you ask me but anyway it was all agreed to.

On the 3rd day of the holiday, mother was literally crying to my friend (not to either of her sons of course) that people were not spending enough time together and she was just so upset by it all. I think she had a fantasy of happy families in her head and expected everyone to eat every meal together and awful claustrophobic stuff like that.

As you say, weird. And best avoided.

Lotto I've name changed from batcave,

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the getting upset as it's not going to the plan she has in her head!

I really do feel sorry for my siblings. My dm didn't even want my db to go to uni and it took everyone from the other side of the family to persuade him to defy her and go. So proud of him for that. She wanted him to be a mechanic (not that there's anything wrong with that) and he'll be starting his third year in chemistry. What sort of parent doesnt want more for their dc?' I don't get her at all

Yes, on the rare occasion you do get to the bottom of what's causing the sulk it is usually something really stupid and minor! The kind of things that would go over anyone else's heads.

Another thing is if you tell her she is wrong about something she will flip and accuse you of 'nit picking'.

I have a DM like this too. One of the worst parts is that when she's in a mood she brings my DF into it, usually by storming off for some unknown reason and phoning him, and will tell him lies and exaggerate anything so that he ignores me too and feels sorry for her. It can literally be anything that triggers it and what causes it one day may not cause it another so it's particularly bewildering. Although i recognise it is her own personality and MH issue it still really upsets me at times.

These stories reaffirm to me that I was right to go on HRT and ADs. I could see myself turning into your mothers. Not the narcissism, but the inexplicable moodiness and the resentment of everything and everyone. I could see my dc closing in on themselves, and becoming cautious and uneasy. Why would any parent chose to inflict such things on their dc?

Runny mine does the same about nitpicking! She also seems to live for criticizing me and being emotionally abusive. More recently i've started to stand up to that behaviour and calmly say "you are insulting me and i'd like you to stop". At this point she will often start crying and respond that 'she has opinions too and we (my DB and I) need to stop criticising her'. I've never met anyone who could call themselves the victim for bullying others, nor anyone who can turn absolutely anything into criticism and an arguement. It is very draining to be around and at times it's so weird that i actually find it a bit disorientating.

I'm envious of people who live further away from their parents, we live an hour apart but she will still show up unplanned at times. It gives me a knot in my stomach being around her. On the other hand, i'm also envious of those with a close relationship with their DM as i would've loved that. Every time she is in a good mood i feel so relieved and pleased that she might continue being a nice support in my life, then she has one of her outbursts or 'turns' and it's back to the weird silent treatment again. I think the only thing i can hope for now is that i break the cycle and never repeat her behaviours.

Eurgh I've got a mum like this too. I think she does it for attention. Can be really, really, really hard work. Oh and she's an alcoholic too. Barrel of laughs here!

I bet she also says "don't take it out on me just because so and so has upset you". No.. You have upset me!

sleepydee. My mother calls herself a victim for bullying others. She lives 1.5 hours away and stays for a few nights 😱 There's a lot to be said for living closer but not too close - I used to live a 5 min car journey away. I liked it best when I lived abroad!

Runny You are dead right not to try and have it out with her. I did this with my mother. It made things 10 X worse. She now struggles with basic civility. But she's highly narcissistic. I was a people pleaser, zero self esteem and held no opinions as I wasn't allowed to be different from her in anyway. She was and still is emotionally abusive and I have suffered a great deal. After years of therapy, things are changing but because I'm chronically ill, I'm not strong and that gives her power unfortunately.

It's horrible being around people, who set the tone and mood. Being a sensitive soul and trained people pleaser, it's very wearing.

Hunter on the extremely rare occasions me or my sister dare to suggest she's in the wrong, her reply is always 'I see. And I know I'm not the target here'. Just.... aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhh. Sister & I have our personal mantra now: 'Teeth and eyes, girls, teeth and eyes....'

My mother is exactly the same, she is currently huffing and not answering the phone because she heard my BF in the background when she phoned me last night. I, in an attempt to people please and not incur her wrath/inevitable lecture I had not mentioned he was there and I am much too old to be doing this !. I am constantly trying to please her and pretend I don't have a life outside her (I need to grow a pair I know). She is a scarey lady, hovers between lovely and awful. She cried when I said where my DB and I were taking her for her birthday and changed the venue to a shittier place. She cannot relinquish control and keeps trying to control everything, the best one to date she proudly announced she'd locked her cat in the garage for 3 hours to 'ensure he ate his dinner'
I find her exhausting and depressing. Unfortunately I am unable to work at the minute and she has a small financial hold over myself and DD and its sucks.
I've had counselling, seen a psychologist, been on antidepressants and am going back to the doctors next week to resume something yet again.
Fucking terrible and OPs have all my sympathies

This is my mother in a thread.

Ever since I can remember this has happened, she just all of a sudden, when she hears something she doesn't like tells everyone to fuck off & storms out/upstairs.

You cannot talk to her about anything,

I promised myself when I was a teenager I wouldn't turn into her! I'm terrified of truth be told!

This is the exact reason why I am NC with my Dad and why in future I will be NC with my sister (slightly different situation, it's about hypercritical behaviour, I literally can't speak without her flinching in irritation)

NC makes you feel "wrong" or "bad" or "lacking in proper feeling" when you first do it - but is incredibly freeing long term.

I feel completely indifferent towards my father and would feel indifferent towards my sister were I able to be NC.

Ariadne the cat - absurd and very funny. Thing is, we are happier than these people. Despite being ill or needing help in some way or another - financial, counselling, we are still happier because we are aware. Don't loose sight of that and do whatever it takes to not pass on the cycle. DD knows and sees what a bitch my mother is to me. She's 8.

Dms husband is like this. No one enjoys being around him.

Nice to see im not alone. I think I said uo thread she is controlling and has poor boundaries, she thinks she has the right to comment on any aspect of my life and gets quite affronted if I don't do as she says.

She'd hit the roof.
She would flip!
So. Walk away. Explain that her behaviour is unpleasant to be around. Grown adults are allowed to be cross or upset but if she can't deal with it in an adult way then you have the choice to walk away.

My mum is like this, though she has mellowed with age. I do get on well with her now but her mood swings drive me mad sometimes. Some days she will get up and there's a horrible atmosphere around her where you can just sense it's all going to kick off. If you try to reason with her when she's like this, she gets aggressive and turns it all around on you "stop trying to start an argument etc." It's very hard work.

She will never admit to being wrong either and never apologises for anything, even when she should. My dad gets the brunt of it - everything is his fault, she screams and swears at him over the smallest thing and it is quite distressing to watch. I don't know how he puts up with her sometimes. She still talks about perceived slights he did to her 30 years ago with the same amount of venom and disgust as if it had just happened yesterday.

As a teenager, I used to get really stressed out with her and we would have terrible rows. I would constantly retaliate and to this day, I hate being controlled or told what to do because of the way I grew up. I am very sensitive to other people's moods and am an anxious person generally, probably because I'm used to walking on egg shells. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

My mother was like this when I was a child and I spent my entire childhood in a state of fear and worry, hovering around her hoping everything would be OK.

Occasionally she would upset me too much and I would withdraw (hide in my bedroom) and then she would be nice to me. As soon as I came round the cycle would start again. Exhausting.

Of course I repeated the pattern in my relationships and sought out assholes for a long time. Not any more though.

My mother left my father (for an OM) when I was 18 and since then she has stopped the strops although she still has many other narcissistic traits. I don't know whether she has NPD or not but it's very possible.

I have one like that, tries to get people walking on egg shells and trying to placate her through passive aggressive tantrums. Inbetween she tries to get you embroiled in bitching sessions about someone else. She's nasty to my SILs but in a sly, underhand, undermining way so its hard to have anything concrete to challenge her about.

Wierd shit like criticism about the number of eggs bought when one of them stays. Obviously my brother is equally responsible for the eggs but no it has to be the fault of a woman. "Why did you buy so many? I already had eggs, they are marvellous good quality eggs, they are much better than those cheap ones you bought with you. Didnt you that I would have eggs? What a waste!!!" Then bangs around making room for the eggs, ignoring anyone who says its fine we will put them in the car. In the process she makes sure that something else the sil put in the fridge is taken out and left to go warm. Or random other stuff is put out by the back door, eg her shoes.

Next morning people start to cook breakfast and pull out mothers eggs to find a box of 12 with only 2 left in. Mother would at that point have no problem going on about how she hates eggs and only has them in to make cakes and used them up on the 3 cakes on the side. It sounds so stupid but she can't help with the constant shitty games.

Arfarf I started that process last year when my Dad died, it is liberating. When he was alive he diverted much of her spite and took the brunt of it, she turned on me after his funeral I refuse to play. She really did turn up the pressure!

"My dm didn't even want my db to go to uni...What sort of parent doesnt want more for their dc?"

Mine. I still remember vividly sitting at the table filling in my acceptance form for the place I'd been offered at Uni with my Mum standing over me telling me that I was wasting my time, I'd never actually go, I'd never make the break... I did, although it was a struggle at first.

Not all parents fit the stereotype of loving, supportive, will do anything for their children etc. Some parents seem to see their children as a threat and a nuisance. It may all be unconscious but it's desperately hurtful and damaging for the child, even when that child has become an adult