To think dh is over reacting

[Ellieboolou27]

For leaving my door keys (car key included) in front door overnight by mistake. Tbh I've done this before a few times , but not overnight. He left for work then stormed into leaving room screaming I am fucking lucky whilst throwing keys on sofa, he then slams front door and drives off screeching racer boy style down the road. He then comes home from work still in vile mood, Still moaning at me about it and it went on and on until the next day. I know it's dangerous and we are lucky to not have our house entered or our car stolen, but... It was a mistake. I'm on mat leave and also have a 4 year old and a dog, I am not a disorganised person, house always tidy (ish), dinners always made, dog walked at least twice a day, i guess what I'm trying to say is I do 90% of domestic and childcare as well as looking after the dog and I just simply forgot. He is dragging it on and on and I feel like screaming at him "well nothing happened so move on" but day 2 now and his still moaning and sulking about it.

chalky the thing is, unlike you, the OP has NOT being burgled or have her car stolen. For what it's worth, it looks like it's unlikely to happen where she lives (Have you read the recent thread about the postman where the OP is leaving her door unlocked, sometimes even when she isn't in the house? Some areas ARE like this with little risk)

And before that, you weren't anal about it either btw.

So yes it's a good idea to be careful. But sometimes, things happen, mistakes are made and behaving the way her DH is doesn't help in any shape or form.

There's something went through a phase of forgetting and DH eventually got a bit pissed off. Felt a bit shit at the time being "told off" but tbh he was justified calling me out on it and now i'm more conscious and usually rembember. A mistake is a mistake. Being cross at someone for it does not help anyone. But doing it repeatedly is carelessness and should be mentioned. Raised voices and stropping are not an acceptable way to do this in and adult relationship. Having said that none of us are perfect and losing your rag occasionally is as human as making a mistake. Apologise to each other and move on. Maybe ask him to check the door before bed. There are times in your life you are more liable to make mistakes - I have full on baby brain myself at the moment. Left the back door wide open all night, keep forgetting to finish what I'm doing etc.

I think maybe it scares him, hence the over reaction.

You have two little ones in the house and he probably feels a lot of responsibility to keep you all safe (I know i know we are all equal - but I think a lot of men feel this way).

He might also worry how you would manage without a car!

Im not excusing his reaction but it could just be because he cares and the 'what ifs' are a bit much for him.

We live in a high crime area and my DH kept leaving our downstairs window wide open - he drove me mad with it so rather than argue I always just make sure it's locked before I go up to bed

Im not excusing his reaction

The thing is you are!

If you've done it more than once and generally take the attitude that it doesn't matter because nothing happened this time I can see why he's frustrated. However, the over-dramatic storming out and prolonged sulk is just childish. Once you've told him what you are doing to stop it happening again, ask him to have a think about his reaction and what he is going to do to improve that, because it sets an appalling example for your child.

I absolutely hate things being dragged on like this. The initial reaction I would accept, but the sulking for days? My dh did this once about something similar, I told him coldly, "it's done, I've apologised, I will try not to let it happen again. Now either get over it, or piss off" He was quite shocked and did indeed get over it. I find when someone is sulking, trying to talk to them normally and hope they will talk normally back just seems to encourage even more sulking, like it vindicates the behaviour. He ibu and you need to tell him.

MammouthTask you're right, I wasn't careful before we were burgled, ironically we left the car keys near the door so we could find them easily. We also live in a 'nice' area, which is why it was targeted (according to the Police).

I do think the OPs partner is being unreasonable to drag it on and on. However it must be frustrating as she has done it before and he already locks up most nights because of this? OP needs to find a way to ensure it doesn't happen again and her partner needs to calm down!

I do agree that if you keep doing something you're not really sorry you just don't care that much and just think it will be ok.

There's no such thing as a safe area, yes some areas have lower crime rates, but there's crime everywhere and by repeatedly leaving your keys in the door you are literally advertising for your house to be burgled or your car stolen.

Not only that but your insurance might be invalid because you left your keys.

He overreacted massively imo. Shouting, screaming, slamming doors all needs to stop and he needs to find another way of communicating with you.

You did cock up but you can't wind the clock back and no one was harmed. And I also think that the fact you do so much and yet feel he's just seen the bit you cocked up on is important.

However, I suspect he reacted out of fear rather than control, especially if he has ocd tendencies which are born out of anxiety more than anything else ime. So sit him down and explain how you are getting an extendable key ring thingy and how you are going to ensure it doesn't happen again, but that next time he feels you've made an error he's not to upset you with shouting or screaming. Rather he can come in and tell you what's happened and you can talk together about how to fix it.

It's something we've all done. I did it once and we lived in a back to back that opened straight onto the street so it was a bloody miracle that no-one took the keys, filled the car and buggered off with the lot.

But his night time lock up routine can't be that thorough if he is not noticing that the keys are in the door at night - the door wouldn't lock if they keys were in the outside of the lock would they?

He has massively over-reacted but you know this is something that you really need to not do, as if you were burgled, chances are that your insurers wouldn't pay out.

Trouble is, I think DP and I have gone the opposite way and we both check the doors a million times before we go out and before going to bed - it has become a little bit too obsessional tbh. But I do know two people who have had their cars stolen in this way, one of them twice .

I would stay away from the 'how likely was anything to happen' discussion with him op - as you can see on here people have widely differing views on it and he obvs thinks something was very likely (why you were 'lucky' nothing happened) whereas you see it as less likely and that in reality nothing did happen. Just accept his point of view about it and move on to talking about how you communicate when one of you has a problem with something.

I have done this a few times.
My worry is he thought that driving his car up the road trying to kill someone was supposed to punish you.

It would be interesting to see how he would react if you did the same to him if he did something equally silly (and we all do at some time). I suspect he would have told you you were being unreasonable by now.

I once didn't have the handbrake on fully on my car (it was a bit faulty) but it was in gear - our drive is a slope. XH got in it and, unlike me, didn't apply the ordinary brake before putting it in neutral and it slid forward a bit - it shocked him of course. Reaction - screaming and shouting and slamming his hand down on the pillow next to me (I was asleep) - followed by a massive 2-3 day sulk.

Three days later we all got in the car - which HE had parked - and the same thing happened. My reaction - - his reaction - oh silly me hahaha it could happen to anyone.

Talk about double standards.

" the door wouldn't lock if they keys were in the outside of the lock would they?"

Might depend on the lock-I'm pretty sure that ours would.

He has reacted ridiculously, but I'd be pissed off with your attitude too.

It's something that I've done when loaded up with shopping, but it really doesn't take a minute to check before you close the door behind you.

Chalky I agree that people in nice areas do seem to get burgled quite regularly - I notice this with my work colleagues, a lot of whom live on the nicer side of the city.

People with nice houses in desirable areas are more likely to have stuff including cars, worth taking. People who live in poorer areas, less so.

Seems there's a Seinfeld for everything:

DOOR MUST BE CLOSED!!!!

On a more serious note, you need - as PP said - a system to prevent it happening again.

Plus, you need to have words with your DH when he gets over this (WHEN!?) about how to deal with future mistakes you will both make. Life being what it is, they will happen but you shouldn't have t go through this each time.

Do you think he'll be like this with the children?

I'm with him I'm afraid, because he didn't over react the first few times, he's probably just pissed off. My DP is very absent minded and it drives me nuts. Also, I hate that the word "abusive" is chucked around like every time someone is annoyed they're an abuser. Is he more angry that you're minimising it? He shouldn't have kept it going so long, but I'm fed up of having to stay up and check lights/doors/sockets etc sometimes because DP can't (he has memory loss so it's understandable but still bloody frustrating!)

My husband used to do night work and I used to put a downstairs alarm on. In the morning he was in the habit of removing his motor biker boots and going in to turn it off. However, he couldn't be relied on to remove his door keys. So I stopped putting the alarm on. I must admit I have a real fear that one of the frequent delivery etc people who come up and down our driveway will pocket keys only to come back when we are out or at night! If you have done it before then he is probably feeling really frustrated and worried.

Honestly I'd have gone apeshit at my DH if he'd done the same.

You might live in a safe neighbourhood OP but any arsehole could be walking through your neighbourhood!

It's not the thought of being burgled or the car being stolen that would worry me it's the thought of anyone getting in and harming or taking my DC that would worry me!

chalky the OP said he is the one locking up because she is in bed before him. Not because she is forgetting.

I think his initial reaction, if extremely rare, could be excused. However the sulking and shouting about it after that initial response is abusive and being on the spectrum is no excuse. It is abusive. It is not acceptable. It is not excusable. I say this as somebody who excused this type of behaviour in my ex, over time it only escalated to far far worse forms of abuse. Abusive men always start with the shouting, sulking and throwing things (the bully), some will always keep it at that level but many will slowly add in worse forms of abuse. Have a good long think about his behaviour. Does he sulk often? Does he have form for storming off spinning his wheels like a racer? Does he have form for shouting and throwing things?

Our kitchen and door from the sitting room to the garden are glass and are our weakspots at night. We have left one or the other wide open at times. We are more careful now we have DS but it is easily done. Our garden backs onto a bridleway and it is pitch black at night and easy to miss an open glass door. It was a mistake - you didn't do it deliberately.

I made the classic mistake of leaving my keys in view from outside in OHs new place . They got in , took the keys and the car. OH was on earlies so called the police at 4.30 am by 5 the police had pulled them over (number plate recognition) . The police reckoned there was no sign of forced entry and OH went nuts as he was convinced I had left the keys in the door. It was especially upsetting as they spooked the cat and she was missing. We had no idea if they had taken her and maybe hurt her or dumped her miles from home (and as we'd just moved she wouldn't have found home anyway).
The copper who claimed there was no sign of forced entry was clearly overdue at spec savers as when I looked at the door there were screwdriver marks and they sent CSI down for prints. They also held onto the car for two weeks whilst the two forces (car was pulled over just over the county border )argued over who should pay for forensics

Cat turned up 6 days later as if she'd just popped for for ten minutes but not before we'd walked for miles looking for her and a lot of rows about what I'd done .

First time OH went back on nights and I was alone overnight was quite unsettling . It's easy to be a little bit careless with keys but knowing a stranger has come into your house whilst you (and kids) are sleeping is horrible and stays with you for a long time. I wonder if something similar happened to your OH years ago and his anger is because it raked up old memories or even just old fears ?