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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that men don't want relationships with single mothers?

59 replies

Kinderbueno · 02/08/2016 20:00

I'm 27 and in the middle of divorcing. I have a DC who is 13 months.

The marriage didn't work, it's so sad but I am getting over it.

I'd love to meet someone, but men only seem to want one thing from me. AIBU to think men don't want to take on a single mother?

Please reassure me!

OP posts:
Mycatsabastard · 02/08/2016 21:07

I was single with two dc for several years. I had a brief relationship with a lovely guy which didn't work out but he wasn't put off by me being a single mum, he was a single dad to two teen girls (who I really got on well with).

I've been with dp now for four years. We are very happy. He's great with my dc and although he's a dad, they don't live with him full time.

On the other hand, one of my friends is a single dad. He's brought them up from the start on his own (their mum walked out), he's doing an amazing job with them both, he's a chef, he's really good looking, early 30's but can he find a woman? Can he heck? He's starting to wonder what on earth's wrong with him.

So I think it's just wait and life will take you where you need to go. I was actually really happy being on my own with the dc for a long time. It was good to be just us three, we had a routine and breaking that by living with someone else was actually quite difficult but we've muddled through and found a new rhythm.

Missgraeme · 02/08/2016 21:12

U are looking at things so wrong! U don't need to find a man to 'Take u on' u need to find a man who deserves to share your life and be a part of your fabulous child's life!! I was newly single and met a man in a wine bar - I told him in the first sentence that I had 10 kids! That was 4 years ago and we haven't spent a night apart since that night! Now married with a toddler! He says he feels privileged to be part of our family and he worked hard to gain the trust and love of all my kids as our relationship began to flourish ! Life is truly great and please believe u too will get your happy ever after!!!

seasidesally · 02/08/2016 21:16

so a friend said men were differrent 20 odd years ago*

Curious what do you mean different?

well years ago a guy would maybe go out for a few drinks with his mates,have a good night and that would be it,normal life would resume

round here the 20,30,40 yrs old seem to drink all weekend and there is a huge problem with drugs here especially cocaine taken most weekends

it seems some just want to be obliterated one way or another the whole weekend and no way were there so many 40yr old taking cocaine like they seem to now

i live in a very large town which wants city status and this seems to go on all over it

just one example

redleathergloves · 02/08/2016 21:42

I split up with my ExP when I was still pg with my DS. I had plenty of relationships, flings and more casual things with various men when he was younger, I had no problems meeting men at all. This was a while ago as I then met DH who I decided was a keeper and we've been together 9 years. He was single with no dc and has had no issue with taking me and DS on, he is the breadwinner and covers all costs for me and the dc.

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 02/08/2016 22:08

I split from ex-p when my dd1 was 6 months. I was 23. I've never found it an issue to be honest.

I had a few boyfriends (not serious and didn't meet dd) before I met my dp when she was 3. As soon as he met dd1 he fell in love with her and is a wonderful step dad to her. He didn't "take her on", he saw her as a bonus. We have baby dd2 together now.

ConfuciousSaysWhat · 02/08/2016 22:09

Yabu. I had more flings and relationships (and have now got a husband) post kids than pre kids.

Some men make phenomenal step dads

blondieblondie · 02/08/2016 22:20

Missgraeme - do you really have 10 kids, and did you really not spend a night apart after that night?

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2016 23:08

You will meet a lot of men, particularly on OLD, who are looking for no-strings sex or nothing too complicated relationship-wise. They are not your target market and you are not theirs.

There are men out there who do want a real relationship. Some may not want the added complication of children. Some won't mind. Some will have children of their own so be in a similar position to you.

So, having children limits your potential market but doesn't eradicate it.

You need to be smart with your marketing. Don't waste your time on the wrong demographic. Do your research. Place your adverts where they will get the best response Grin

Atenco · 03/08/2016 01:38

I didn't have any babysitters, so it didn't work for me, but a lot of my male friends married single mothers and loved the children (I'm talking about years ago) more than their wives.

DisneyMillie · 03/08/2016 02:19

I didn't find it a problem - about to remarry - met DP when dd was 3 and he's a brilliant step dad.

I think if you're dating men your age it might (possibly?) be harder as there's often less of a "pool" at that age as a lot are married / getting married - once you get to mid thirties (like myself and DP) there are more getting divorced and seem much steadier types!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/08/2016 02:41

YANBU in that I would not want to, yes, 'take on', a newly divorced single Dad with a 13 month old.

I wouldn't want to go out with a single Dad at all, as I know I wouldn't cut it as a step-mother.

As I said on a similar thread, I can't imagine wanting to date at all when my DC were so young and needing to be a priority.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/08/2016 02:45

once you get to mid thirties (like myself and DP) there are more getting divorced and seem much steadier types!

Funny how perceptions differ.

In my past experience, late 20s guys aren't getting married - quite the opposite - they're living the high life, with no interest in settling down just yet. And mid-thirties aren't getting divorced - they're just getting married! And I wouldn't think of a mid-30s man, who's already getting divorced, as a 'much steadier type'.

Horopu · 03/08/2016 03:49

My 48 year old husband was so keen on a 30 something single mum of a 3 and 9 year old that he left me for her. He is actually a lovely man with lots going for him, so there is hope for you all! Although possibly not for me. ;)

TheNaze73 · 03/08/2016 07:32

I don't think YABU to think that but, there are still some men out there. A lot of my male friends in their 30's/40's, who've come out of LTR, seem so scarred, they're more than happy to plough through Tinder these days & get the best of both worlds. A lady I work with, went speed dating the other week & the event had to be cancelled as 25 women showed up & only 3 men & the organiser, said the same thing, that Tinder has decimated the dating market & probably shows what the vast majority of men actually want.
There are decent blokes out there though, who would not see it as "taking you on". You come as a package and the right bloke would see it as just that

KeyserSophie · 03/08/2016 07:42

Most childless people would, all other things being equal, probably rather date someone without children from previous relationships, and for some people it would be a deal breaker. However, all other things are never equal and people have all sorts of deal breakers (I had a friend who wouldnt date anyone who ate Ketchup- now that's limiting yourself Grin). If I'd spent my life looking for the guy that ticked all my boxes I wouldnt have ended up with DH.

Flowerpower41 · 03/08/2016 07:46

Some wont' want it and others won't mind. Takes all types.

There is however this theory that single mothers must be 'fair game and gagging for it' which I vehemently detest. No doubt we have all come across this strange belief! As if they are 'doing us a favour' for liking us in the first place - huh! Some blokes harbour such views. Oddballs.

pleasemothermay1 · 03/08/2016 07:47

Not sure I was a single mother when I met my oh however you do have to be carful there are some who just think you will put up with any old shit because your choices are limited

My friend is single mum and she seeing a widow 😁

But saying that I didn't want want anyone with children as I wanted my children to have priory

Buttwing · 03/08/2016 07:55

I met my oh when I was single mum of a two year old I was 30 when I met him. We have been together 9 years and he has taken on my dd as his own we also have 3 more children together.

Kim82 · 03/08/2016 07:58

Yabu. I was a single mum with a 4 year old and 1 year old. It didn't put off my childless dh. We've been together over 10 years, married for 7 and have two more children together.

My sister was a single parent with a 5 year old when she met her dh (he had no children either). They've been together around 13 years now, married for 6 and have two more children.

I think online dating has a lot to answer for as lots of people on there are only after one thing, I'm so glad it wasn't as popular when I was a single mum as it is now, I met dh on a rare night out and it's easier to judge a person's character when you meet face to face rather than over a computer screen.

Cosmo111 · 03/08/2016 08:02

It's easy to think you'll never find someone I had it drummed into by my ex who I have DS with he told me gleefully I'll never find anyone with a kid. I've been with DH for 6 years and extended our family further with another 2 DC. I couldn't be happier of course at the time I never thought I would be in the position that I'm in now.

EeksyPeeksy · 03/08/2016 08:06

I met DP when DD was 3. It made the logistics of dating difficult. He met DD 5 months in. We're now very happy, I'm 5 months pregnant, we're engaged and have just bought a house together.

I dated a few muppet before I met him but tbh they would have been muppets regardless of whether I had DD or not.

I found that I was more choosy about who I spent time with as these guys were potentially going to be in DDs life and time was limited for me so I wasn't wasting a child free evening with someone I didn't see a future with.

I have DD 365 days a year so had to ask my parents to babysit. No EOW free to make it easier.

grobagsforever · 03/08/2016 08:23

YABU. I was widowed while pregnant so have DC 365 days a year. Started dating when DD2 was 15 months and have a lovely boyfriend.

I think dating success has far more to do with living in a populous area, making the effort to meet someone and most importantly valuing yourself so men will value you.

If you can't afford to pay a sitter then get creative - sleepover swaps with friends or have friends kids in afternoon in exchange for evening sitting.

No one I spoke to while OLD was put off by my children.

catinthecradle · 03/08/2016 08:26

As above, the in the middle of divorcing part is more likely to put off people than the fact that you have a child.

Would you really seriously date someone in the middle of a divorce? It's painful, sometimes messy and not a great time to start something before you have grieved properly and found your own footing again.

round here the 20,30,40 yrs old seem to drink all weekend and there is a huge problem with drugs here especially cocaine taken most weekends good grief, where do you live!

I have quite a few single guys around me (mostly divorced or widowers): lovely and mostly very attractive men, who don't have relationship simply because they don't have time to meet someone. They work all day, sometimes late, exercise and in many cases spend weekends with their kids. The best way to meet them is to join the same running/boxing/tennis club or whatever they do. They occasionally go for drinks - with people from work - but are not looking for girls in bars.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 03/08/2016 08:30

I would think the combination of recent divorce and new baby would have many wondering why you are so soon trying to find another partner.

I also think single people with children aren't looking for casual dating but rather trying to find a new partner to share the burden, financially and emotionally.

RestlessTraveller · 03/08/2016 08:31

I think some men don't. I wouldn't want a relationship with a single father. But I know plenty of women who would.

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