To stop facilitating contact with PIL?

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I have 2 children with DP under 3. DP has two other children.
A lot of things have gone on, but a summary is below:
I used to get on with MIL, but about 9 months ago, she told me she will always prioritise OHs other children as she feels sorry for them not living with their Dad (not their Dads choice - OHs ex left him for 21 yo). This really upset me and I told OH, who told me that I would have misunderstood her. I know I didn't.
In 9 months, she has visited us once when she was invited to DC1s birthday and brought OHs children. Their mum told her they weren't allowed to come, and she asked whether there was any point in coming without them She then turned up on the day with the kids after telling us they weren't coming and was so rude with everyone except OHs DC and just made a horrible atmosphere. Even OH said she was obviously 'in a mood' over something and he will normally defend anything to do with her.
She has other GC that she sees on a minimum weekly basis so I don't understand how she can just decide she doesn't care about seeing our children given her nature.
I said to OH that I doubted she loved or cared about our DC for whatever reason and he got angry, rang her and asked her outright on speakerphone whether she loved the other kids more than ours (he's a nightmare for this). She said she loves them all, but the more time she spends with them, the more she loves them. OH can't understand that she is confirming what I've told him, given she never sees our children.
OHs Dad didn't even send a card when we had DC2.
It makes me really sad as I have a very small family who absolutely adore our DC, but there are no other kids and they won't know the other side of their family. I can't force them to be interested but OH says if it bothers me I should be facilitating visits and ringing and asking MIL to see the kids. I disagree and we aren't really on speaking terms. She has recently retired so it's not like she doesn't have the time. AIBU?

Well it has got something to do with you - you have had to two kids to a man who presumably told you at one point he was going to devorce his wife? You are aware that if he dies his ex will recieve any estate that he has as she will still be is official wife.

Maybe if you were his actual wife or st least he was devorced his mother wouldn't test you as 'just' his gf and expect him to see his other family in private. That's weird. Do the kids not come to your home?

I am aware yes and yes he did tell me he would divorce her. He's happily left everything he owned with her when they split anyway (they didn't own a home).

The kids used to come far more regularly but with access being stopped and other things which I don't think it's fair to go into but will do as I guess it's anonymous, they haven't been staying at ours. We also don't have the room and have tried to move house to fit all the kids in but can't until next year. There are 4 of us in a house I bought as a singleton and we can't even fit a single bed in for our own DCs so space is extremely tight, but this isn't the main reason they don't stay.

I'm not surprised his mother asks him for one on one time with him at her house. Id be really upset about that arrangement. Do dad basically lives with his new family and there is no space for his old ones. That's how his mother, wife and kids will see it.

Is there a court based contact order in play because If not- why?

I really hate the 'mum stopped access' excuse.

Mmm, MumOfTwo, if you need an approved translator, or a sworn translator as they are called in some places, you could try looking on proz.com. Or if you want to PM me with the languages involved, I could look for you. If it is only the marriage certificate that needs translating, it wouldn't be too expensive.

I really think grandma has stepped in your husbands shoes as far as these kids are concerned.

You have two choices - keep trying which the kids will know about and feel rejected or give up and leave DH to deal with the situation.

I have done this and they don't phone and no visits in the last 6 years - basic cards for birthdays money sent to us to choose gifts etc

They're missing out on the fun and joys of young children it's their loss.

DH can or could facilitate visits but chooses not to - he prefers to visit his parents alone (not my circus any more)

Only now they blame me for keeping them away when I have never stopped them going or PIL visiting - it's like a really easy excuse not to bother.

It's not really an excuse is it? She has done, several times. Why? Because she kept him dangling after they split and he gave her every penny. He lived in a shithole and gave her over £1000 a month, still paid her phone, full childcare (even though she was getting tax credits), finance they had taken out together. Nearly every day there was a demand for more. He told her he couldn't afford it £6k in debt later when any borrowing options were exhausted. Yes, he's stupid.

The contact order forms were filled out but his mother begged for it to be sorted between themselves as she wants them to be friends. She is still friendly with her, so persuaded her to give access. My opinion was that the forms should be sent, but as I'm sure you realise, his mum has more say than me and ultimately it's his decision, not mine.
Contact was stopped again, then started and it's been a cycle like that for a while. He's tried being friendly, getting angry, upset, everything.

She's recently admitted that she's been completely out of order regarding access and is now willing to sort it as she has settled down with a new partner who has children and I'm guessing has been through similar. She's used them as pawns to get her own way and control him. We once rang to say we were stuck in traffic and were literally going to be 10 minutes late. She took them out, not for any reason. Just to be spiteful, so that's what we've been dealing with.

Dutch - the situation isn't ideal for any of us. At best, we get 1 day a week together and that's spent sorting out boring mundane crap that I struggle to get done with 2 young kids in tow in the week in the main, food shops, diy, cleaning, hair cuts etc. I wish it was different believe me. DP didn't bond with our DC1 for over a year because he barely saw him! What little time he did have was spent with his DC, not with his new baby who was extremely ill after birth, as was I. We both nearly died, yet he still prioritised them over everyone and everything so they didn't feel left out and brought them to the hospital even though they weren't allowed as not my children (I was in 3 weeks).

As he tells me when I'm struggling, life isn't perfect and you have to do what you think is best, which for him is working to provide for his children.

Cody - I'm just not going to bother anymore. It's always been awkward and there's no point trying to force something. I'm fully expecting it to be me 'stopping them', I'm sure my name is mud. Even though I've text his mum before to say if she ever wants to see them, all she has to do is ask. I'm angry with her but they're still her GC and I would never stop them having a relationship, but it looks like it's never going to happen anyway. That was around 6 months ago and I don't think she's even asked after them. DP speaks to her regularly and I've asked him. He said she's said "is everything ok?" Apparently that's asking after me and the kids in his head. Hoping he's ditched me and got back with his ex more like

Thank you Atenco- I'll have a look. I think we might just hand over to his ex as in all honestly, she desperately wants a divorce as of two weeks ago so she's more likely to sort it than him in the near future.

So your Dh let his mother take control over the relationship between him and his kids? Is either didn'twant/ couldn't be arsed (most likely) with the fight or he is grossly manipulated by his mother in which case you will never get through to him. He basically handed over parental rights to her. No wonder he doesn't say shit to her, he should feel ashamed.

Has he sorted his finances? You can't blame all this on the wife. He is an adult. He should have saved every penny and took her to court - because they are his children - not his mothers. Would you copy that agreement with one of your parents? Not see your kids regularly because your mother wanted her say first. I hear it all the time - "can't go to court as I can't afford it' if he really wanted to - was motivated to he would.

The whole situation is a mess. Your with a man that has let you down and also his other kids.

All the other stuff about being busy is just a red herring. He has no control over his own children - he can't even house them for s night.

Look at your last post -"hand it all over to his ex" that's you not dealing with this snd letting some one else deal with it. Then you can blame her in a couple of months saying 'well she had the paper work!'

You didn't stop him seeing his own kids - he did that.

How would you feel if you split up and he did the same with your kids? Set up home with some one then bleeted there was no where for your kids to stay ?

How he treats his other kids will be a mirror image of how he will treat yours if you ever split up. 100% gaurentee.

OP, does this man have ANY good points? What attracted you to him, can you remember?

Why on earth are you with him love?

If he works away so much then he should be on a decent wage yet you can't fit all the kids in your tiny house?

Even if he started with nothing after he split from ex then by living with you (and I presume you work as mentioned Mat Leave) he should be bringing in enough wages to make life easier for you all with a bigger home or afford to cut down hours so he has a full weekend with all 4 children and you?

If he died tomorrow then if not divorced, his wife might have a claim on any assets or funds.
His mother sounds a right selfish uncaring cow but your 'D'P sounds worse I'm afraid.

You don't treat the woman you love and mother of your kids like this, get rid darling. You'd probably be better off emotionally, practically and financially

Dutch - kind of, but she just strives for them to be best friends and as she is in regular, amicable contact with them both, was trying to get them to sort it through those means rather than a court as thinks it's better for the kids in the long term. Yes, I find his relationship with his mum weird, but I think a lot of other men's is as well. She wants him to see the kids regularly?

He is sorting his finances, not sorted, but that's part of the reason that he is working as much as he does.

Yes, it is a mess. Our first DC was definitely not planned and I have tried to make the most of it, but it has been extremely hard work. That is why we're in the situation we're in with housing.

We were always going to sort the divorce and have tried. She's recently decided she wants to remarry. In his defence, he struggles badly with forms, so yes it is better for her to handle it given she is so motivated to get it done. I don't see it matters? We won't have the chance to do it immediately and she wants it ASAP.

I agree, but I have explained that's not the only reason they don't stay. We have tried and failed to move 3 times, but we can't help sales falling through? I looked into it and can't do buy to let on my house so that's not an option and I'm stuck in a mortgage I can't realistically get out of. I'm also wary of buying a house with him and as he's not divorced it isn't really a good idea is it? Should I have had a termination because my house wasn't big enough to house a child of my own as well as DPs?

Yes - he does have good points, but despite it being a 'red herring', he's very busy providing for his 4 kids, we're both sleep deprived and stressed at the minute and we never get time alone. It's not always like this though obviously, but has been for a while now.

This is a bit of an aside, but I probably wouldn't want our children to stay with him if we split. Obviously I would want them to have regular contact but personally, after what I've seen, I think it's better when DC are small if they stay at 'home' with their main caregiver rather than getting passed from one to the other. Obviously I understand why both parents want to share it and equally have time for themselves, but personally would want my own DC to return home unless they were asking to stay with their Dad.

Queen - he was on OK money (not great) but obviously had been funding a big shortfall to stat mat in my wage to pay our existing bills, which we hadn't prepared for as not planned.

We have tried to buy a bigger house, but 3 have fallen through out of our control and to be honest it's probably a good thing, but it does mean we're desperately struggling for space.

He is classed as self employed and recently got let down and had no proper work for a few weeks with no notice and has had to take lower paid work, BUT it's local and he's now trying to play catch up and there was honestly nothing he could have done about losing work.

I'm thinking about what is best for me and the kids and whether I want to stay with him at the minute.

He's honestly not all bad, but it's a bad time at the minute. He works really hard to support all his kids and he is funny and generous (to a fault) but it's just whether it outweighs the other crap.

I am drained with it all at the minute and tired and hormonal so don't think it's the right time to be making big decisions.

No it's not better in the long term is it? She has more access to his kids than he does. She has put herself firmly in the middle of then rather than helping her son gain official and proper access. Do you think his kids will see this situation as a good thing?

He struggles with forms? Has he got SEN or reading difficulties as it's just one excuse after another.

Regarding the house - your basically stuck in limbo which negatively effects his kids. While you too can not get your act together - granny has swooped in and took up a parental position.

I really don't buy he is too busy to sort this situation out do his kids get a fair hand here. it should be his main priority