To stop facilitating contact with PIL?

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I have 2 children with DP under 3. DP has two other children.
A lot of things have gone on, but a summary is below:
I used to get on with MIL, but about 9 months ago, she told me she will always prioritise OHs other children as she feels sorry for them not living with their Dad (not their Dads choice - OHs ex left him for 21 yo). This really upset me and I told OH, who told me that I would have misunderstood her. I know I didn't.
In 9 months, she has visited us once when she was invited to DC1s birthday and brought OHs children. Their mum told her they weren't allowed to come, and she asked whether there was any point in coming without them She then turned up on the day with the kids after telling us they weren't coming and was so rude with everyone except OHs DC and just made a horrible atmosphere. Even OH said she was obviously 'in a mood' over something and he will normally defend anything to do with her.
She has other GC that she sees on a minimum weekly basis so I don't understand how she can just decide she doesn't care about seeing our children given her nature.
I said to OH that I doubted she loved or cared about our DC for whatever reason and he got angry, rang her and asked her outright on speakerphone whether she loved the other kids more than ours (he's a nightmare for this). She said she loves them all, but the more time she spends with them, the more she loves them. OH can't understand that she is confirming what I've told him, given she never sees our children.
OHs Dad didn't even send a card when we had DC2.
It makes me really sad as I have a very small family who absolutely adore our DC, but there are no other kids and they won't know the other side of their family. I can't force them to be interested but OH says if it bothers me I should be facilitating visits and ringing and asking MIL to see the kids. I disagree and we aren't really on speaking terms. She has recently retired so it's not like she doesn't have the time. AIBU?

Thank you mummy and you're very welcome. Just having a generally shit time in my relationship at the minute as there are too many things I'm unhappy about and am definitely getting a big bogged down in them atm.
I know you're right and I do actually care less about it today

Sorry hadn't seen other responses. Tru you have done well to be able to let it go. I can't believe they are across the road and behave like that.

It is hurtful to know your children are being left out, especially when it's in a family unit and not something that will matter less, but more, as they get older.

I will of course just do my best for my kids and hope it doesn't bother them.

I have gone NC with ILs after a similar issue and leave all of the organising for contact with them to DH. They of course, deny it all and of course SIL has had her say too!

It's really upsetting to think that your DCs aren't worth as much as others and yet they are all related. Mine is the classic daughters' children are favourites, regardless of them being the other end of the country. They spend more time, effort and energy on them than they ever have on mine and as a result don't know mine as well as the others.

It is becoming a chore now for my eldest to go and visit, so as time goes on, I think they will feel it more keenly, but they chose to
take this path. I said at the outset when I had had enough I would put as much effort into them as they have with my DC. Three and a half years later, I'm still NC and their attitude and behaviour hasn't changed.

Stop facilitating contact and let your partner do it.

Definitely grubbly. So do you not even attend any family events?

Gosh, I am indignant for you and indignant about my dgd's other grandmother who hasn't seen dgd in ages and didn't even remember her birthday, yet cries crocodiles tears about her son's other child that they have lost contact with.

Am I the only one confused as to what relative OH is? Are you just using 2 abbreviations for DP in a confusing way or is OH your partners sibling?

Sorry OH and DP the same.

OH= other half
DP= dear partner

Same thing different phrasing

Are you married? You call her your MIL but I wonder if your partner was married to his ex and not to you and that makes you seem less official in her eyes as more girlfriend less wife.
Also it sounds as though your partner's mum (who I presume is separated from his dad as you expect separate cards from the 2 of them. A lot of men just don't do cards so i wouldn't read anything in to that) sees more of your partner's kids from his first marriage than your partner does. That seems odd to me. Can your partner see more of his kids if his mum is going to be so divisive.
Your partner's sibs not inviting him to events for cousins is odd and something for him to raise with them. Has he fallen out with them? I have a closer relationship with my sibs than my nephews so would never want to hurt my sibs by excluding them. On the other hand I presume his nephews and nieces are maybe older and have more in common with your partner's older kids and maybe as a kids' birthday party just didn't want tiny tots there. If a large party with lots of extended family it sounds odd.
I would work on seeing your stepkids more and making them feel part of your family so they don't want their half siblings excluded.

There's a whole chapter in Wednesday Martins book about how PIL often favour exW's and "first" DCs.

It's incredibly common, and studies available (referred to in WMs book) explain the psychology behind it.

2rebecca - not married, no. I suspect you're right. It's like we've never existed. All his family/friends still discuss her every time we see them. It drives me insane, I don't even know the woman!

Time - is that stepmonster?

Oh and in relation to the cards, he rang DP and asked him to come round as he had cards for the kids...he meant DSC birthday cards with money in, but no card with congratulations
DPs DF isn't hands on through with any GC so it doesn't bother me as much as with MIL.

I think a congratulations card wouldn't occur to many men. I don't think my husband has ever sent one. I rarely send them I tend to phone or visit. If I have congratulated someone by another means chopping down a tree to say the same thing seems unnecessary. Different if he never mentioned the baby.
Is there a reason you have chosen not to get married despite choosing to have kids together? We have no kids together but got married when our divorces came through as being "dad's girlfriend" or "mum's boyfriend" makes it easier to discount the relationship as someone who isn't really family and we intended to stay together.
Usually grandparents see their grandkids via their children. It sounds as though that has gone wrong here with grandmother seeming to have more access to his kids than their dad. I would be trying to put that right. You should be taking his kids to parties not his mum and if extended family large parties making it clear you all expect invites and you come together. He shouldn't let his mother divide his kids in to 2 groups.
I can understand she can't cope with lots of kids staying at once but his kids need to feel more part of your family.

I agree 2rebecca, I'm not great at cards myself, but he sent a card when we had DC1 and put £100 in it, so seems strange to not even acknowledge birth of DC2.

We haven't got married as DC1 was not planned and was a big shock but termination wasn't an option for me. He also never completed his divorce (sent forms off but as they were married abroad it was bounced back - he's terrible at paperwork and with having 2 lots of mat leave to cover its not been a priority money wise and courts were less than helpful with advice re marriage abroad). Just to confirm he had been separated almost a year when we met.

DP has worked away 90% of the time we've been together and his Mum has them for tea in the week and babysits for DPs ex which is why she has more contact. Obviously not ideal re working away, but the alternative was being unemployed.

Practically, with 4 kids, we can't all go in one car so she takes them as she is going anyway to parties etc.

I am really not making any excuses for her, but is there quite an age gap between your children and your step children? I had a very different relationship between my Grandma, compared to my cousin 14 years younger than me, because she wasn't able to do the same amount of physical care with a younger child IYSWIM? Even an 8yr old is so much easier than a 3 yr old.

Try not to worry too much about the injustice of this, yes its wrong but it will impact your relationship with your step children, they will pick up on this. Try to make most of the time that you have the 4 children together, have fun as a family of 6, they are the future, create brilliant memories, if they develop strong bonds now then this can help to create the close family that you are seeking.

Your step children are older than yours, as they get older it won't be much fun hanging out with Granny so this problem is likely to be short lived.

Also so bear in your DP's ex is causing issues, for example not allowing the older siblings to your DC party, she is probably loving the drama, don't feed it. Hopefully in the future the DC will insist on going to their siblings birthday celebration.

Get your DP to facilitate contact with MIL, don't feel the need to have her over if the step children are over. You can't control how your MIL feels, so let it go, be super friendly.

Stop facilitating it.

My dad sees my dd about twice a year. He lives ten mins down the road. He is always on face book with his wives grandkids at the zoo ect... I had to stop getting jealous for my own sanity. He is not the grandad I want for my kids but I can't force him to be some one he isn't. It' was very hurtful to me but know I've just closed down on it all. The only family my girls need are the friends and family that want to be in their lives.

On the flip side. When my parents split up I spent weekends at my DGM house. My dad was always a shit parent. My DGM almost became a second parent and took me on holidays and I had my own lovely room. None of my cousins or my half brothers had this. I did get treated differently, but I honestly believe it my dad had really stepped up and not allowed this favouritism every thing would have been fair.

My aunts and my step mum always had their noses put out of joint because if this.

Your dp actually is playing a pivotal role in this. He has allowed his mother to have a parental role with his kids. If that space wasn't there - she wouldn't be doing it. She clearly thinks it's needed.

Why is he putting her on speaker to prove you wrong? He sounds like he needs to grow up. His reluctance to challenge her might be because he feels guilty and why the fuck is it down to you to bring the gap between you all?

They sound like a head ache - all of them.

So she isn't his exwife but is still his wife? I would prioritise sorting out the divorce.

No-I don't go to any events at all and leave them to it. To everyone else they are fabulous grandparents, but that doesn't ring true from this end and it annoys me that they want my DC to go to these events to put on that show! I have stepped in a couple of times to stop that from happening which didn't go down well, but tough!

Mad - 4 and 5 years difference but she is a fit and healthy 60 yo who looks after DCs cousin who is similar age, but I do see what you mean.

Lady - it is Impacting it. She also thinks DP should see his DC alone and that he should disappear from his family (me and our DC) every wknd to facilitate that. Despite the fact he works all week and at least one day most weekends. We're already strained for time as a family and don't get time together alone which is definitely having an impact. It seems she would rather his relationship fail with me and he leave our children than the DSC not be the priority.

I know the ex is creating problems, she has from day 1.

Dutch -
I guess it won't be him instigating that contact?
DP does behave like a child in a lot of ways. Arguments is definitely one of them.
They are all a headache. I'm currently having a serious think whether I want to be with DP. I don't get a lot from the relationship and I don't feel like the DC will either. To be honest, I think they'd get more attention if we split.

No she isn't his ex wife but is his ex. I agree about the divorce, but another way that DP is a child, he just won't sort anything like that and I'm not pushing it. It's nothing to do with me.

Good for you grubbly

Karma - yes, they said they needed to be translated. We went round in circles, but basically someone 'approved' but wouldn't tell us who they would accept it from. Did you recently get divorced? It was the local court that told us this so maybe it's handled differently in different areas which is annoying! His ex has said (now it's convenient for her) that she doesn't think it's a legal marriage in this country

He doesn't think he isn't being unfair, which is why I'm so fed up with everything. I feel like it's me holding everything together. He says he's laid back and I'm uptight. In reality I think he just doesn't give a shit!