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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to live with him unless married?

51 replies

OctopusHairband · 01/08/2016 06:35

ExP and I used to be engaged and lived together. Then we had a baby and it all went wrong, lots of arguments, we had a second baby but by then the relationship was awful - no love, just arguments and we split up, he went back to living in his house and we sold our joint house.

I bought a very small house near him and was much happier as a single parent, the dc were able to see lots of their dad, I was self sufficient as working and good childcare. Then I was made redundant and so became sahm and we spent a lot more time at his house (more space, big garden etc).

So now ExP has asked us all to move in and says I could let out my house. On one hand it's appealing - the dc have both parents, lots of space, I get more help with dc. On the other hand we wouldn't be married and so if it didn't work I'd have to leave but I wouldn't have a home. I'm under no illusions it's not a great romance, he doesn't like spending much time with me, we never have sex and he's not bothered about sharing a bedroom (we'd have separate ones).

However I feel bad if I turn his offer down as it means dc don't have the chance of a single home.

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 01/08/2016 06:38

Don't marry somebody because you feel bad about turning down his offer to live with you!

DollyBarton · 01/08/2016 06:38

This has disaster written all over it. Sorry OP, but from what you describe you would only be giving your kids a very bad example of a family. I think they'd be better growing up with you and ex separated. At the very least you need to believe you love and respect your ex.

Damselindestress · 01/08/2016 06:39

Why would you consider a lifelong commitment when you feel like that? TBH I think the children would just find it confusing that you live together but aren't really together and it sabotages your chances log ever being able to move on and meet someone else. Sounds like a really bad idea, sorry.

FlyingElbows · 01/08/2016 06:39

Your children also won't have the chance of living in misery with parents who don't like each other! Why on earth would you want to live with this man let alone marry him?

Damselindestress · 01/08/2016 06:39

*chances o

Sorry autocorrect.

Damselindestress · 01/08/2016 06:40

Of!

RosieandJim89 · 01/08/2016 06:41

Sorry has he asked you to move in as a partner or just so you can both parent together but otherwise be separate?
I would happily move in if it was a co-parenting decision with no romantic ties. Presumably if it doesn't work out you could give your tenants notice and move back in your other home?

Horsemad · 01/08/2016 06:42

Do it if you want, but do NOT marry him. If you marry he will probably have a claim on your property if you split. That property you own is yours and your DCs.

If you do end up splitting, at least you'd have your house to go back to, even if you had to wait a while to get tenants out.

By the way, I personally wouldn't give him another chance, exes are usually Ex for a reason...

Your DC can still have a relationship with their father even if you don't.

Purplepicnic · 01/08/2016 06:48

Your children will be far less damaged from having two homes than they will having parents in some kind of loveless faux marriage

Original poster

OctopusHairband · 01/08/2016 06:49

I think in my ideal world if have liked to have been married and living together, so living together would be closer to that but really if the relationship was any good it would have shown itself by now. Also I hope to have a new job starting in a few weeks which would help me buy a bigger house in a few years (so dc don't have to share a bedroom)

OP posts:

Horsemad · 01/08/2016 06:50

Stay as you are OP; why let him drag you down?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 01/08/2016 07:28

If it's just a flatmate type situation then I would give it a go. That's if you can both respect boundaries and agree to just be sharing a place. And of course you would have to be honest with the children that you're both just friends and you would also have to be ok with the other parent dating.

I wouldn't do it if either of you are looking for more than a convenient flatshare. Not at this time anyway.

Marriage is a good idea so you don't lose out financially, but perhaps there's some other sort of contract you can have a solicitor sort out for you? Maybe go see someone? I'm sure you wouldn't be the first separated parents to try living together.

TheNaze73 · 01/08/2016 08:19

This has got disaster, written all over it.

HeddaGarbled · 01/08/2016 08:20

No, it's a terrible idea. I think it would just make you miserable.

drivingmisspotty · 01/08/2016 08:27

What were the arguments about? Did he pull his weight with housekeeping and childcare? If not, what makes you think that will have changed/he will be easier to live with now?

Why does he want it? To be best for kids or so he can have a pseudo wife to look after him and pick up his socks too?

Not meaning to be cynical but you said 'I was much happier as a single parent,'

raisedbyguineapigs · 01/08/2016 08:32

But you are not in a relationship! Why can you not just move in with him, pay him a small fee in rent, rent out your own house so you have your own income and live as flatmates and co-parents? I'm not sure what your kids are like, but surely explaining to them that you are not a couple but just living together because its easier to look after them is is better than them thinking that what you have is what marriage is all about?

MrsJayy · 01/08/2016 08:34

Why would you marry somebody that made you miserable its nice you get along for the children but wanting to marry him it would be a disaster. Move in if that is what you want short lease your house till you get back on your feet and move back in

Eliza22 · 01/08/2016 08:37

No, don't. If it were just you I'd say "Ok, give it a go". There are children involved. You have your own place and security. And he really isn't offering much, is he?

mouldycheesefan · 01/08/2016 08:37

Or you could marry someone you love who wants to spend time with you.
Marriage to this man, who doesn't even sound like he likes you very much, would be a disaster. You have made some relationship mistakes don't make it worse by tying yourself to someone who doesn't like you let alone love you! It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you anyway.

MrsJayy · 01/08/2016 08:38

Are they same sex children? They can share a room do you think a bigger better house would make them happier

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 01/08/2016 08:38

Why would you want to marry somebody who you are not in a relationship with?
Why would you even want tongue together?
What happens one of you meets somebody that you do want to be in a relationship with?

Just stay living in your own house.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 01/08/2016 08:38

Tongue = to be together.

Emochild · 01/08/2016 08:40

Don't even consider it

You move in with him, his house becomes the children's main residence, you fall out and want to move out? He's got a much stronger case for the children to stay with him

Not a risk I would take

AddictedtoGreys · 01/08/2016 08:40

If you argued a lot while you lived together last time how do you know it won't happen again? That's not a nice environment for the children. Also what would happen if either of you met someone else?

TheCrumpettyTree · 01/08/2016 08:44

So what happens when he meets someone else?

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