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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to live with him unless married?

51 replies

OctopusHairband · 01/08/2016 06:35

ExP and I used to be engaged and lived together. Then we had a baby and it all went wrong, lots of arguments, we had a second baby but by then the relationship was awful - no love, just arguments and we split up, he went back to living in his house and we sold our joint house.

I bought a very small house near him and was much happier as a single parent, the dc were able to see lots of their dad, I was self sufficient as working and good childcare. Then I was made redundant and so became sahm and we spent a lot more time at his house (more space, big garden etc).

So now ExP has asked us all to move in and says I could let out my house. On one hand it's appealing - the dc have both parents, lots of space, I get more help with dc. On the other hand we wouldn't be married and so if it didn't work I'd have to leave but I wouldn't have a home. I'm under no illusions it's not a great romance, he doesn't like spending much time with me, we never have sex and he's not bothered about sharing a bedroom (we'd have separate ones).

However I feel bad if I turn his offer down as it means dc don't have the chance of a single home.

OP posts:
Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 01/08/2016 08:44

If you've got a new job in a few weeks you don't need to move in with him...

..so basically it's just about being polite and not saying no. But you don't need to hurt his feelings if you explain that it makes you happy that the two of you get on so much better now and you don't want to lose that..

Seriously, it's so much better for your DC to have two separate happy homes than a single warring one.

Gazelda · 01/08/2016 08:45

Why change what works at the moment?
You'll be giving the DC an unhealthy impression of marriage.
What if either of you meet someone else?
What if you go back to arguing all the time?
Will you be relying on him financially?

I really can't think of any positives in this situation.

juneau · 01/08/2016 08:48

I think it would be far more confusing for them to have parents who live together like flatmates! Stay where you are. Maintain your independence. Your kids sound happy as they are - and you and your ex aren't together so why live together? One day one of you is going to meet someone else and at then what? You'll be right back where you are now.

MrsJayy · 01/08/2016 08:53

Imo you would be giving your children false stability you would be miserable he probably would be miserable the kids would see/sense the misery stay in your own house if you have a new job lined up

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/08/2016 08:54

Don't be ridiculous!

You need to STOP seeing so much of him and get your own life apart from him. You're young, meet a man you fall in love with and want to spend your life with!

Get a new job, enjoy life as you did before you were made redundant.

You'd be MAD to do this.

Mari50 · 01/08/2016 09:03

I've been in a very similar situation, I'd leave well alone if I was you. I did move back in with my DD's dad- I didn't rent my house out though as had done this before and the tenants weren't the best- we have now separated again and my DD has been put through a separation that otherwise she wouldn't have had to experience. Definitely don't get married either as that will just compound the misery. You have said yourself your situation looks to be improving so stick with that and move on. It's difficult - believe me I know, but your relationship will probably never work in a way that's healthy for the kids to live with.

gamerchick · 01/08/2016 09:11

Why does he want to change things? your set up sounds alright.

gamerchick · 01/08/2016 09:13

and why would you want to marry someone you don't seem to have any intimacy with and who doesn't like spending time with you? I agree this has disaster written all over it.

flowery · 01/08/2016 09:18

"it's not a great romance, he doesn't like spending much time with me, we never have sex and he's not bothered about sharing a bedroom"

Why would you want to marry him then? Confused

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 01/08/2016 09:19

If this was your daughter would you agree with her marrying somebody she didn't love just for his money as she wanted a bigger house or would you tell her to grow up and provide for herself?

EveOnline2016 · 01/08/2016 09:20

When you are at his home what typically do you do.

OhTheRoses · 01/08/2016 09:21

You don't love him. Why would you marry him. If you wouldn't marry him, why would you move in with him.

Chewbecca · 01/08/2016 09:39

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me and potentially more misery than joy for the children.

RubbleBubble00 · 01/08/2016 09:41

No. Leave things as they are. Nothing stopping you dating or staying over but I'd keep separate houses

specialsubject · 01/08/2016 09:45

I wouldn't move in with a flatmate that I didnt like and who didn't like me. Guessing he wants a housekeeper. Tell him to pay one.

TheVermiciousKnid · 01/08/2016 09:48

Sounds like a great deal for him - no maintenance to pay (assuming he pays any now?) and as you're a SAHP you'll of course be there to do all the house work...

Not that I'm being cynical...-

It sounds like a really bad idea, don't give up your independence.

Finola1step · 01/08/2016 09:49

Stay as you are.

You get on ok. The dc see you getting on ok.

One question...are you both in love with each other?

ChanelNo314 · 01/08/2016 09:51

You have your own house!? I'd just stick with that because if you married, then that house would have to be split, maybe both houses would have to be. But even if things were really uncomplicated, you'd keep yours and he'd keep his, so I think given that you have already tried and failed (sorry) just stick with your own new life.

Try to get him to commit to minding the dc on fixed days so that you can plan around that.

OreosAreTasty · 01/08/2016 09:53

Am I reading this wrong?
You seriously want to marry your ex.your ex.
What.
Why.
Everyone else seems to understand this far better than I do :S

ChanelNo314 · 01/08/2016 09:54

Kids are wiser than you think, my friend's 13 year old son just said to her that unless his mum and his dad were in a proper relationship he'd rather not see his dad ''coming and going'' and my friend needed to hear that her own son gave her permission to raise her bar a bit.

nicenewdusters · 01/08/2016 09:57

he doesn't like spending much time with me

That's hardly a marriage proposal, is it?

Sounds like you've got a pretty good set up now, why disrupt the lives of you and your children? Disaster in waiting.

OreosAreTasty · 01/08/2016 10:02

Does anyone want to help the idiot (ahem) out and explain why this would seem a good idea or even why this idea would enter anyone's head? :S
Op?

Sunbeam18 · 01/08/2016 10:06

I'm confused - if you are now a SAHM then how do you pay for your house and bills?

Sunbeam18 · 01/08/2016 10:07

Sorry, just saw you have a new job. Why would you want to change the good situation you have got?

liletsthepink · 01/08/2016 10:14

Don't do it.

You're feeling vulnerable because you were made redundant. Perhaps your self esteem is a bit low at the moment because I can't think of any other reason why you would think of moving back in with your ex. The relationship didn't work and you don't love each other.

Imagine how unsettling it will be for your children to move in with their dad, witness you both having loads of arguments and then having to move out again in 6 months or a year.

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