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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH BU about meeting up with cheating friend.

51 replies

BocaDeTrucha · 01/08/2016 00:36

One of my oldest friends spends her summer holiday with her family every year in a resort near where I live so we always meet up a few times for a swim, lunch etc. Since I met my DH, we all meet up together but it's very much her and I who are the friends but our partners get along OK.

A couple of years ago her DH left her for another woman he'd been having an affair with. It got very messy, as you can imagine with 2 children involved but after a few months, they got back together again. I stuck by her through it all and have always remained civil with her DH. She chose to forgive him so I will back her up in that choice. My DH however, won't. The last time they came over, I had to make lame excuses as to why he couldn't come to meet up with them.

They will be coming again at the end of August. Is DH BU to not want to go when he really enjoyed it previously and should he just accept that, as a couple they have made their peace with the situation? He says he can't make polite conversation with him now knowing what he did to my friend and her family.

OP posts:

VioletBam · 01/08/2016 00:53

I have a bit of this with a friend whose husband cheated. The cheater is my DH's friend and I've become friends with the woman. I have a lack of respect for the man now...but I wouldn';t refuse to meet up...because I"m able to shelve those feelings.

Your DH isn't...that's his choice in my opinion.

molyholy · 01/08/2016 00:57

Hmmm tricky one. Not helpful sorry. But of your friend has chosen to forgive her husband, I dont think he should be so judgemental.

Is there more going on here, like he didn't like him anyway, and this is an excuse?

DietCockBreak · 01/08/2016 00:58

He isn't BU. It's probably quite sensible for him to steer clear rather than hang about but be unable to convincingly hide his contempt. I'd continue with the excuses if I were you I think, or tell the dw why so they stop asking.

busymummy3boys1girl · 01/08/2016 01:06

I like the sound of your DH. Just because she has brushed it under the carpet doesn't mean other people have to. I like the fact he is so against cheating and stands his ground on it. Be honest with her and plan a girly day instead x I bet your DH isn't the first friend he has lost because of what he did x

RepentAtLeisure · 01/08/2016 01:50

It's his choice and you should respect it. Just accept that they are your friends now, not his.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 01/08/2016 02:34

Who the fuck is he? Oliver Cromwell?

The only person who was directly effected by this (the wife) has decided that she wants to continue the marriage, than I'm sure he can be civil to this bike for a comparatively short period of time.

At the moment he's just coming across as puritanical, unyielding and judgemental in the extreme.

User8530 · 01/08/2016 03:53

He doesn't have to like him, but if the wife has forgiven him then it's none of his business really- if she was really his friend he'd be civil.

Anonymouses · 01/08/2016 04:12

I know a couple of people whose spouses have had affairs and been forgiven. (Although the path to repair the marriages has been long and hard) The pain it caused (and causes) is horrific but if their spouses can forgive them who the hell am I to say I won't? I'm not saying I haven't lost some respect for the cheaters but it's my job as friend to support my friends whatever decision they make.

sonjadog · 01/08/2016 04:20

I think your husband is in the wrong here. If his wife has forgiven him then he should get over it and be supportive of her choice. What he is doing is perpetuating the pain for her so that he can show what a great guy he is. To me, his reaction makes me think it is mainly about his ego and not your friend's feelings.

NorksAreMessy · 01/08/2016 06:32

Adults are allowed to make decisions about who they spend their time with.
Your DH does not want to spend time with this man.

It doesn't really matter what the state of their relationship is, or who approves, or what you think about the situation. He is an adult and he can choose.

dudsville · 01/08/2016 06:40

His feelings, his choice. Just because she's dirtier doesn't mean anyone else has to like it. We're talking about ethics. If I learned that someone close to me had a different ethic to the one I'd thought I'd struggle too. Really if he of this other guy values their friendship they should talk.

Purplepicnic · 01/08/2016 06:54

Part of being a grown up is to be polite and make small talk for short periods with people you don't especially like or approve of, for the sake of others. It's a necessary life skill that we have to do.

Amelie10 · 01/08/2016 07:01

I agree with your DH. Why should he waste his time making small talk and pretending with someone he clearly doesn't like of respect.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/08/2016 07:16

I think your DH has morals and principles and is doing the right thing by standing by them. You're standing my your friend which is also good but you can't force him to do something he doesn't want too.

Sooverthis · 01/08/2016 07:19

If friend has chosen to work at her marriage he should respect that, if he just doesn't like them and us making an excuse that's sort of ok too but if he's enjoyed their company in the past that doesn't sound likely. I'd be asking for the real reason as 'doesnt like cheaters' is way too judgemental for me.

davos · 01/08/2016 07:29

Well if it was a woman saying she didn't want to meet up with dhs friends because the guy cheated and she just couldn't get past all the shit he had caused. I think people would be telling her it's fine not to go and socialise with someone she can't stand.

Personally if I were your dh, I would try to get past it. But I don't think you can force someone to socialise with people they don't want to.

imnotalpharius · 01/08/2016 07:36

What happened before when you were all together, did you stay as a foursome or did you and your friend spend time together, leaving the partners to spend time without you?

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 07:51

Thta's your friend decision whether she is happy to forgive her DH or not.
Your DH has nothing to say about it and certainly isn't in a place to be judgemental. Mainly because by being judgemental of him and refusing to see him, he is also VERY judgemental of your friend to have forgiven him! He is telling her loud and clear that she is stupid for getting back with him and that HE wouldn't do so blabla.

Cheating, IMO, is an issue that people need to sort of our between them. What I will not (and haven't) forgive is the guy who thinks it's OK to hit his DW and send her to hospital. 3 times. And ended up in a miscarriage.
THAT I can understand he woudn't forgive. Cheating? Nope. Not his place to make any judgement on that, esp as he only sees the guy very occasionally.

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 07:56

And btw, ethics is something that is never set in stone. There is no way that you can say 'this is what IS right'. There isn't one way to be right IMO.

So saying it's an ethical issue when he just has to make small talk is goiung a bit far. He might have lot his respect for the guy. It doesn't mean he can't talk to him ever again.

Another way to look at it, if he learnt his boss had an affair and nearly left his marriage, would he refuse to talk to him again? Or woud he still 'soldier on' despite 'the ethical issue' and 'having lost all respect for him'? I bet he would. So can he for your friend.

RowenaDahl · 01/08/2016 07:57

If he doesn't like the bloke/want to make to make polite conversation then so be it. I would respect that and let him decide whether he wants to come or not.

I quite like the sound of your DH as well.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2016 07:58

Purplepicnic
"Part of being a grown up is to be polite and make small talk for short periods with people you don't especially like or approve of, for the sake of others. It's a necessary life skill that we have to do."

If they where meeting as two couples I would agree, but I suspect that the OP and her friend wants the OP's DH to entertain the bloke by himself for much of the time.

So another NBU here.

Trills · 01/08/2016 08:08

What would be your normal reaction if your DH said:

I don't want to meet up with your friend and her husband - I don't like him and being around him makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 08:20

Rowena how is the OP going to explain that her DH was quite friendly with the man but now actually don't like him wo being judgemental about her friend getting back with him despite the affair?

If her DH had NEVER liked the friend's DH and they had hardly met up before, I would fully agree with you.
But that's not the case and that's why his behaviour would look at the very least rude if not downright extremely judgemental.

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 08:21

Boney lots of assumptions there.....

GertrudeSmellsDivine · 01/08/2016 08:27

He's an adult. He gets to choose who he spends time with. Why should he make nice with somone he doesn't like? Two minutes' nodding and smiling in the street to be polite is very different from haing to spend a couple of hours in the company of someone he dislikes. Would he even be a good enough actor to hide his dislike for that long?

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