Is DH BU about meeting up with cheating friend.

[BocaDeTrucha]

One of my oldest friends spends her summer holiday with her family every year in a resort near where I live so we always meet up a few times for a swim, lunch etc. Since I met my DH, we all meet up together but it's very much her and I who are the friends but our partners get along OK.

A couple of years ago her DH left her for another woman he'd been having an affair with. It got very messy, as you can imagine with 2 children involved but after a few months, they got back together again. I stuck by her through it all and have always remained civil with her DH. She chose to forgive him so I will back her up in that choice. My DH however, won't. The last time they came over, I had to make lame excuses as to why he couldn't come to meet up with them.

They will be coming again at the end of August. Is DH BU to not want to go when he really enjoyed it previously and should he just accept that, as a couple they have made their peace with the situation? He says he can't make polite conversation with him now knowing what he did to my friend and her family.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Your DH is not BU -

[BoneyBackJefferson]

LikeDylanInTheMovies

The OP says nothing about being made to make up excuses for him, just that she made up excuses for him.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

You shouldn't have to make excuses for him though. He should just be honest about why he can no longer stand him.


That's a good point. The moral high ground he's set himself up on doesn't preclude him from getting his wife to lie and make excuses for him. He doesn't even have the courage of his convictions.

[WorraLiberty]

Your DH shouldn't have to spend time with someone in his own home if he doesn't want to.

Therefore, going out is the right thing to do imo.

You shouldn't have to make excuses for him though. He should just be honest about why he can no longer stand him.

[cingolimama]

Wanna Be. Completely agree.

LikeDylan. Still laughing over "Oliver Cromwell".

[Hoppinggreen]

As I said it's not about forgiveness it about not spending time with people you don't like - whether that's because of who they are or something they've done.
I agree that in the case of an affair it's up to the spouse to forgive or not but it doesn't mean I want to be around them.
It's an individual thing, OP has decided she's ok to spend time with her friends husband but her DH has decided he doesn't, she can ask him to put up with it for her sake but if he won't then she should respect that.

[WannaBe]

But those people may have done any manner of things to make amends for the wrongs that they have done in the past. It's not your place to forgive him if the person he has hurt has.

You probably spend a lot of time with people who have had affairs, given the majority of people do at some point cheat on a partner there's more chance that you have than haven't.

[Hoppinggreen]

It's not about taking the moral high ground though it's choosing NOT to spend time with people who's actions you find abhorant.
There are people I know who have done things I think are terrible and I simply don't wish to spend time with them, it's not about who forgives and who doesn't.

[WannaBe]

Those of you on the moral high ground looking down, just be careful not to forget that there will be others above you eh?

Nobody knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Nobody knows what led the DH into an affair and whether there wer issues in the marriage which are now being resolved as a result. These things are rarely black and white.It is their marriage. It is not for anyone else to judge how they conduct it, and by refusing to have anything to do with the DH, the OP's DH is sending out the message that he judges them both, and that he somehow feels he has a right to a say in their marriage, not only what the husband has done, but whether the wife should have forgiven him, even though he has no idea what the details are.

He is acting like the betrayed here when actually it is the OP's friend's choice as to whether or not she chose to forgive and hopefully move on.

Contrary to what is written on mumsnet, an awful lot of marriages do survive affairs. Should the partner who forgives their partner for an affair then have to face the judgement of others as well? .

[emotionsecho]

I'm slightly torn, you say your dh and your friend's dh only ever got on OK and that the main relationship is between you and your friend, therefore why should your dh spend time in the company of someone he likes even less now? Is it really necessary for you to meet up as couples? Can you not just meet your friend just the two of you?

On the other hand if it is just a meet up for lunch for an hour or two your dh should be able to maintain civility for that period of time, he doesn't have to be over friendly, and I agree that if the meeting ha to be with her and her dh it puts you in an awkward position if you go alone.

[TheWernethWife]

I'm with your husband here OP. So she took him back, that's her decision and shouldn't impact on her relationship with you. I wouldn't spend time with someone I disliked, even for a couple of hours, why would I be expected to. Your husband is an adult and can make up his own mind and you can make up yours. Cannot abide cheaters, he'd have been out on his ear if it happened to me.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

MammouthTask

Not that many.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

No worries, lying and apologies for my tardiness. I had to double check too and was momentarily concerned I'd morphed into a raging misogynist late last night (and thankfully I hadn't).

Boca I agree that he's entitled to those principles, but to shun people who fail to meet them seems absurd, and a bit high handed, especially as he has suffered no direct 'harm' and the behaviour was in the past and the people concerned have moved on. I could understand him not wanting to act or pally pally if this was an ongoing abusive relationship, but this clearly isn't the case here.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Ohhh... Apologies to you, LikeDylan. I really need to read more carefully, thanks for being nice about it.

[BocaDeTrucha]

Oliver Cromwell?? Haha, not really, just has certain principles and this is a pretty good principle to have - to not believe in doing immense damage to your family. However, I agree that I think he should just show willing for the sake of a couple of hours. My friend and I don't go off and leave them alone together, so I can avoid leaving them to have to make polite conversation.

I don't believe in cheating either (who does?) but if she can forgive him, then so can I. Last year it was all a bit raw so DH made his excuses but after our talk last night, I think he might try and make an effort this year. Let's see.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

Lying no, it should have been bloke, not bike but autocorrect had other ideas! Apologies for the confusion.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

LikeDylan, you call her a 'bike'?

Perhaps we could just have them all stoned and you could form a knitting group with piemernator and watch.

I really hope you don't have to face this in your own relationships because the 'strong morals' type are no less immune, just so you know.

===

OP, he can make his own choices. His friendships, his choice. You can do what you want as well.

[Piemernator]

I have spent too much time when younger having to hang out with people I don't like for whatever reason, good on your DH for being honest about it.

Wouldn't it be great if cheaters were shunned because of their actions.

[TellMeSomethingNew]

Good on your DH I say. Nice to hear he's got strong morals.

I wouldn't hang around with the idiot cheater either.

[Hoppinggreen]

I've been in a sort of similar position. Good friend had an affair and her DH found out, he attacked her and they split up. I tried to support her but was going through a very difficult pregnancy. DH was pretty annoyed with both of them and when they got back together he said that he would rather we didn't socialise with them as a couple. I also found it hard to look at her husband after seeing her bruises. If she was here and DH came home he would be civil but then disappear off somewhere.
I met up with her occasionally but avoided him until they finally divorced.
I completely supported my DH's position and would expect him to do the same for me.
Could you not say " shall the 2 of us just meet this time?" Surely you would prefer that anyway?

[BastardGoDarkly]

I don't think your DH was particularly into the other dhs company in the first place?

It might be awkward, but you can't force him, or even give him a hard time, it's up to him who he socialises with.

[KERALA1]

First sentence should be "We have a similar thing with an old friend of mine"

[KERALA1]

We similar thing with an of mine. Her DH is verbally abusive to her. DH was there one evening after one terrible onslaught and saw my lovely friend in tears and she recounted what he said. They split up but then they got back together and are now married. Problem is DH hates this man and will not speak to him beyond bare civility. We cant meet up with them anymore as a couple because of this. I sort of admire DH am much more pragmatic (wet?) myself.

[MerryMarigold]

Depends on a lot of stuff really.

I think if your dh is taking time off work to spend time with this guy then he is NBU by choosing not to spend his time doing something he doesn't want to with someone he doesn't like much. If it's a couple of hours for lunch and he is not taking a day off or anything then he is BU.

I think that if he is going to be expected to make small talk for hours an hours with this man whilst you spend time with your friend, and this is going to be very hard for him then his NBU either. Some people are better at small talk than others. Again, if it is a couple of hours over dinner (I'd recommend dh doesn't drink!) then he is BU.

I would suggest a compromise where you meet up once all together for a meal, and persuade dh to shelve his 'convictions' for the sake of you and your friend, and force himself to go out for a couple of hours.

Any longer 'activities' such as a day out or swimming/ meal/ etc. basically anything longer than 2 hours, he can make is excuses somehow. I would also tell your friend that dh finds it hard with her dh because of what he did, especially to the kids (I would think this is what your dh has the most problem with if he is a Dad himself, I can see my dh being the same). She has forgiven him, and worked through things (I hope), because she had a massive vested interest. It doesn't mean everyone else can or should do so to the point of being able to act nicely and normally for hours on end.

[Amelie10]

He is telling her loud and clear that she is stupid for getting back with him and that HE wouldn't do so blabla.

And what's wrong with that if it is his opinion. I wouldn't associate with someone who did this to their family, why should the DH pretend just to please a cheater?