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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cold feet...

30 replies

Anna6567 · 31/07/2016 16:22

Have name changed and contemplated posting on relationships board but hoping to get as much honest and helpful feedback as possible...

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and am having serious doubts - I just seem to be struggling to see the good in my FI and just see all the bad habits and things I don't know if I can live with forever.

I take marriage very seriously and know that this could be causing me additional unease as extra pressure but I just can't help but shake the feeling that something is wrong - surely it's not reasonable to be having these doubts before we are even married?

I feel like I'm pushing my FI away as I don't know how to process these thoughts but when I think of the wedding I feel very unsettled and a sense of dread - but can't pinpoint why - he's a great guy but I just worry there are some major differences there that I've ignored for the last 8 years that we've been together but that now it's almost official , I'm thinking of all these things and picking holes in everything.

Anyone experienced these feelings and willing to share any outcomes? Blush

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 31/07/2016 16:30

what are the major differences?

pussinasda · 31/07/2016 16:32

listen to your gut feeling if your haveing doubts about it postpone it until your sure. you should be feeling excited and nervous (butterflies) about the future not dread ,that doesnt sound good at all

Atinybittiredandsad · 31/07/2016 16:35

Feeling dread is not normal sorry. Butterflies and nervous excitement and possibly jitters at the outside things like the dress fitting or seating plan but dread at marrying the man. No that's not normal.

CalleighDoodle · 31/07/2016 16:41

Those differences that nother you now will be what cracks you when you have children.

wtffgs · 31/07/2016 16:45

It sounds as if there are some very good reasons to delay the wedding at least. A postponed/cancelled wedding is still going to be a hell of a lot cheaper and less painful than a divorce. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Anna6567 · 31/07/2016 16:53

The differences are really in our personalities - I'm quite outgoing and he's very introverted - I worry about our children inheriting some of his social tendencies and I also think I'll tire of having to always be the one who takes charge and makes plans - holidays, weekend etc - he's very supportive and is a wonderful man - but I just don't feel excited atm, just worried and apprehensive and it doesn't feel right at all

OP posts:
spongebob5 · 31/07/2016 16:57

Listen to your gut feelings, like a pp said cancelling a wedding is cheaper than a divorceFlowers

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 31/07/2016 16:58

Nervous excitement is normal, feelings of dread on the other hand are your instincts shouting at you. Listen to them.

CalleighDoodle · 31/07/2016 16:59

It sounds like youve settled...

You will quickly get frustrated and drained by having to be the driving force all the time.

bitemyshinymetalass · 31/07/2016 17:01

he's a great guy but I just worry there are some major differences there that I've ignored for the last 8 years that we've been together but that now it's almost official , I'm thinking of all these things and picking holes in everything

You know when couples are together for years, seemingly happy, then they get married and split up within the year? This is why. They somehow think a wedding will make things better, it wont though. Listen to the voice, and get out now.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 31/07/2016 17:01

I felt like this- just horrible, icy cold dread when I imagined the wedding. I pulled out with about 10 weeks to go. Was a shit storm at the time but looking back, thank God I did it. Nearly ten years on I'm happily married to someone that I never had a moments hesitation over and the money we lost seemed terrible at the time but looking back now it was about £5k and a divorce would have been much worse.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 31/07/2016 17:02

Sounds like cancelling or at the very least postponing is the right thing to do.

But YABU to worry about children being introverted. The fact that you seem to think that is a negative in itself shows that the two of you are not compatible. You clearly have little understanding of what introversion is.

Thingmcthingyface · 31/07/2016 17:06

My parents marriage did not end well. My mum is not much of an advice giver but she always said to me 'do not marry where you have doubts'. I am now happily married (no doubts) and have seen a few friends divorce (had doubts) and I think my mums advice is excellent. Flowers I am so sad to say the fact you are even on here asking this question doesn't bode well...

YorkieDorkie · 31/07/2016 17:07

I agree the above about introverted children. Introverted does not mean shy. Shy means shy.

I'm going to spin the original AIBU by saying that you've been with the guy for 8 years so why does the fact that you're getting married change your relationship? Has it taken you 8 years to realise you're not sure about him? I was with DH 8 years when I married him and I can honestly say that I had a little anxiety about it... I'm not sure what I thought would change exactly.

Goingtobeawesome · 31/07/2016 17:19

I didn't have cold feet and had no worries when I married DH.

Contemplating cancelling is more than cold feet. Listen to your gut. Postponing is better than divorce in a year.

expatinscotland · 31/07/2016 17:21

Please go with your gut. I didn't. The divorce was painful and expensive.

pegomassive1 · 31/07/2016 17:28

Op there has been some wonderful advice here. Has something changed recently or is it just the 'finality' or marriage which is making you consider the future together. If you weren't getting married would you be considering these things?
That being said I honestly believe humans should trust our instincts and if something in your gut is telling you this isn't right then you need to postpone at least Flowers

theredjellybean · 31/07/2016 17:32

definitely listen to your gut..its exhausting being the adult/organiser/driving force and this will be 10 fold when or if you have a family.

It was a major factor in my marriage breaking down.
By the end we had no social life unless i orgnaised it, my exdh didnt seem bothered by having friends, meeting new people, having new experiences...aged 40 i can recall a discussion about his job/career when he was stuck at middle management level and was bored and there was an opportunity to have a job involving about 50 % travel to really exciting countries , and really interesting development stuff...he said ' but i just want to come home to you and the children..' ( whiney voice) it took all my will power to not scream ' but i dont want you to'.

if you are out going, extrovert, ambitious and see life as an adventure waiting to happen this man will suck the life out of you .
sorry i am sure he is lovely and kind and dependable but he will bore you stupid.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/07/2016 17:32

Don't marry if you have serious doubts...but everyone I know had some doubts before they married.

Jayfee · 31/07/2016 17:37

I lived with partner for 7 years. We decided to have a baby and i got pregnant. We then decided to get married and I was 5 months pregnant when i got married.. A week before the wedding, i started to panic. I always get scared when making a big decision, it's my personality. We are happily married now for 20 years. The question is probably, would you stay with him if you weren't getting married?

Original poster
Anna6567 · 31/07/2016 17:50

Thank you all for the advice.

I think it is the finality of the marriage that unsettles me - I'm not a person who likes to make big decisions anyway and this just seems such a big deal and I'm so afraid of failure that I can't tell what are genuine concerns and what is just a response to the pressure of making such a major decision.

Apologies re my use of the term I introverted and any offence caused - I meant more socially awkward than introverted and I just really sympathise with FI when I see him struggle in social situations and I think it would be hard to see my children struggle in that way - I don't mean to say it's a terrible thing, I guess it's natural that you wouldn't want DCs to have any extra struggles growing up like I know FI had.

thanks all for the advice - it's appreciated Flowers

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 31/07/2016 17:59

I had no doubts whatsover before marrying DH and even though now I do, I know they're reflections on things I don't like about myself more than him, iyswim.

Can you initiate a conversation with your DP and see how he feels about things?

Jayfee · 31/07/2016 18:45

You children will have genes from you both and your example as well as his of how to deal with social situations. Imagine your fiancée phoned now and said he didn't want to go ahead with the wedding. How do you think you might react?? That might help clarify your feelings.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 31/07/2016 18:54

I cancelled a wedding and ended a relationship with 12 weeks to go and I've never once regretted it. I'm now married to my lovely DH and didn't have any doubts. Go with your gut Flowers

IonaNE · 31/07/2016 20:11

The question is: if his being introverted has not prevented you from being with him for 8 years, then why do you think this specifically will bother you after the wedding for the rest of your life? If he is extreme introverted, you have had to make the plans and be the social driving force up to now. 8 years of this seems a long enough trial run.

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