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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone else have parents who won't apologise?

68 replies

ginplease83 · 31/07/2016 12:47

Does anyone else have parents that won't apologise?

My Mum has completely ignored what I've asked her and told a particurily awful aunt of mine (who is known for stirring and basically giving you the spanish inquisition until she's got knowledge of whats going on in your life so she can tell everyone else) that Im being induced 3 weeks early. i didn't really want anyone to know, the reasons why Im having it done is because I've got health problems both mental and physical. I don't want them being gossiped about and i don't want people trying to text me or her making snide comments about me not having a natural birth. My Mum also told my aunt my name choices and i got a barrage of texts of name suggestions.

My Mum said in conversation that she'd told her and that my aunt had asked why, she said 'oh she's anxious', I of course said i was upset shed told her as i had gotten texts from the same aunty asking if i had news for her. Mum then said 'well nobody knows when the baby is going to come'. I said 'Yes we do, its the date', she replied 'well it might come before, aunt doesn't know does she'. i said 'Mum did you tell her or not because she's been texting me asking' (aunt did the same when mum told her gender text me 'do you know what you are having' (when she already knew as mum told her). Mum then hung up on me. I tried to ring back but she wouldn't pick up.

AIBU to think it would be nice to get an apology as this has made me more anxious (I am not going to get an apology, neither her or my dad apologise to us about anything even if they are blatantly in the wrong) and does anyone else have parents that won't apologise regardless???

OP posts:

Shizzlestix · 31/07/2016 15:52

I tend not to tell my mum much. It got to the point where she'd moan that I hadn't spoken to my brother for ages and I told her that there was no point as the minute I put down the phone to her, she'd phone him and tell him all my news. It makes me spitefully smug that these days I already know before her what my db is up to due to his wife being a keen Facebooker.

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 16:29

tibbawyrots and glitter this woman does seem to be very fertile! :o

I'm so anxious not to be like this as I get older. My mum seems to have no clue that apologising is about the other person and how you have made them feel, and recognising that. If you can wrong an apology out of her, it's about her.

This is close to home for me as I'm shortly going to be meeting up with her after a long gap (for the sake of DC2 who is asking to see her). I can just feel myself tensing up as I prepare to deal with her crap! Gah.

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 16:29

wring

passportmess · 31/07/2016 16:39

Gin. My parents are very 'my way or the highway' and they currently won't apologise for walking out of my house. One parent did something in the house that I had specifically asked them not to do and when I pointed out that it was my house, they walked out to get a hotel, leaving a devasted grandchild. They live many thousands of miles away and I usually only see them once every two years but they expect to be 'top dog' whenever they are with me. I'm usually very easygoing so it takes a lot for me to stand up to them. At the moment I am very chilled about it. I won't put up with their behaviour but neither am I expecting them to be much different. It's not normal behaviour for adults.

Lorelei76 · 31/07/2016 16:50

It sounds like bigger issues than just that
But yes, my parents don't apologise
My mother finally learned how after I didn't call for about three weeks
My dad still hasn't learned and it has affected our relationship badly to the point I avoid him if I can
He thinks everyone has the right to rude angry outbursts and then to not apologise
He thinks the fact that he'd be okay with me doing that means a level playing field
I think the fact he thinks is okay behaviour is a good reason to avoid him.

Fairyliz · 31/07/2016 16:50

Yes my mum is just like this too. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I realised but whenever you tried to pull her up on anything she would start with the tears and the 'I'm only trying to do my best'.
Now I work on the basis of only telling her things that I wouldn't mind being broadcast on the news! So I will talk about my new clothes or plans to redecorate but don't talk about anything more personal.

Original poster

ginplease83 · 31/07/2016 17:20

Or "I can't do anything right!" Fairyliz Actually Mum, its that you can't do anything wrong thats the problem.

Some people think saying sorry is a weakness. I think they are wrong.

I'll never be like this with my DD. Its soul destroying and demeaning.

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 31/07/2016 17:50

Yes, gin, my parents thought that - at least mum has changed - and dad thinks his behaviour is always okay

I think also they feel that parents should be beyond apologising
This thread has reminded me, I agreed to consider a meal out with dad present next week....I've considered and I think it's a bad idea, it won't be fun telling them that but it's better than sitting through the meal.

Original poster

ginplease83 · 31/07/2016 17:53

I feel bad for her being on her own. Everyone keeps saying to me 'make sure you look after your mum'. I have done for the past 3 months as best as i can and Im exhausted now, need to take the next 6 weeks and concentrate on staying fit and healthy enough to give birth and getting through every day with a toddler.

OP posts:

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 31/07/2016 18:19

How was she when your dad died? My mum completely shut me & my sister out; the day after his death, she told my sister she 'couldn't deal' with her right now. My mum was with my dad for forty-plus years, and while I understand her grief, it was very hard to feel that our feelings were somehow minimised because we were 'only' the daughters. Sister suffered very badly as a result. And yes, also had many people telling us to 'look after mum', freely assuming she wanted our help. I'm just very grateful I had my sister to talk to.

2kids2dogsnosense · 31/07/2016 18:40

Lorelei - it infuriates me when people are horrible to others and then expect everything in the garden to be lovely when they want to be pally. They often come out with some cr*p like "It's just my way" and expect others to make allowances for their spite and bad manners.

Whether they don't know or don't care how deeply hurtful and upsetting their behaviour is, I don't know, but I think that if they are aware that they have a "way", then they should bliddy well do something about it!

Nobody would be allowed to have a "way" with them and get off with it!

EarthboundMisfit · 31/07/2016 18:44

Mine never do, because in all my 35 years, they have NEVER BEEN WRONG 😁.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 31/07/2016 18:49

2kids 'You know how I am' is my mum's favourite expression.... my niece even uses it with my sister! Just be bloody kind!

CommaStop · 31/07/2016 19:05

Never or at least never with any degree of sincerity whatsoever. When, about a year ago, I pointed this out to her she bare faced told me she 'never does anything wrong' because she is 'very sensitive to others'. That level of self-delusion is actually impossible to reason with.

WhatWouldHillaryDo · 31/07/2016 19:06

Oh, yes. And I realised it as I got older. In fact realised my mother has no idea the impact her actions had on me as a child. For example, when I was 13 my grandfather died. It was very sad. My grandmother was an absolute control freak and emotional blackmailer and my mum felt she had to look after my grandmother. I guess to make it easier on herself, us grandchildren weren't invited to the funeral. At 13 I felt I'd been denied my right to decide for myself, and an opportunity to say goodbye to a grandparent I loved dearly. It still annoys me today when I let it. I mentioned it recently to my mum - said that in the past I'd felt a lot of anger about it but now could pretty much let it go. She looked at me as if I'd done a shit in her bed and basically implied I had no rights to feel anything about it. She had no ability to see things from my perspective.

UpsidedownDog · 31/07/2016 19:16

OP, your mum has very clearly shown that she cannot be trusted with any information that is private and confidential, so just stick to the weather or something really boring. Do not tell her anything that you want kept under wraps, because it's very unlikely (as she has demonstrated) that she'll keep it to herself.

Good luck on the birth of your baby, and remember to take care of yourself

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 19:21

My mum has had fallouts with various neighbours, family members and friends. In every single case, it is their fault and they're being really unreasonable She totally fails to see that the common factor is her! Even when more than one of her own DC cut contact with her because they couldn't take any more, she harrumphed that they were treating her badly.

Several people avoided her after she had an affair with someone they all knew which broke up his marriage. They were loyal to his wife and upset with her. Kind of understandably. She was outraged! Why were they all being so mean to her!?

I'm just annoying myself now thinking about her!

Lorelei76 · 31/07/2016 19:29

2kids, not sure which Lorelei you meant, but I so agree with your post.

I really hate it when people say "for family harmony" as well, for some reason the original troublemaker often goes unaddressed. I don't get it.

OP I think you should stop focusing on your mum and take care of yourself

gunnergirl · 31/07/2016 19:34

Such a shame luv my mum to bits has never got angry with me always supportive even when I've been in the wrong

VaginaJones · 31/07/2016 19:37

No one likes to admit they're wrong and apologise especially to family members. I think you'll be in for a very long wait before your Mum say's sorry.

Best just to forgive and forget as it's not worth falling out for years and years creating a bad feeling amongst the whole family - like many others on here have done for the silliest of things (just read the mother in law threads).

But just remember to never tell her something if you want it to be kept a secret.

Lorelei76 · 31/07/2016 20:32

Vagina "No one likes to admit they're wrong and apologise especially to family member"

Huh? Some of us don't have a problem with it at all.

I did forgive and forget with dad for too long. It just gave him licence to keep on being an arse. i wish I'd reduced contact before.

Original poster

ginplease83 · 31/07/2016 21:13

I agree, I have no issues admitting I'm wrong! In fact I like to think i learn something when I'm wrong.

'Its just my way' WTAF, well your way is being an arse. Its not acceptable to be an arse.

OP posts:

ZansForCans · 31/07/2016 21:19

And also "it's not worth falling out for years and years creating a bad feeling amongst the whole family" - well that's what these unreasonable always-right parents do. Why should you forgive and forget - basically that means they can be obnoxious and get away with it because they're family.

I was scared to stand up to my mum for years because of her histrionics if she was ever criticised, but no more.

tootiredforthissh1t · 31/07/2016 21:55

I've been NC with my DM for 18 months as she behaved despicably and doesn't have the balls to apologise. I've always been the one who makes amends with her in the past.
However, I've just found out she has a chronic, life limiting condition and feel horribly conflicted. I have DCs who she adores but has not seen or initiated contact with (even though DH has facilitated phone conversations previously). I'm seriously considering offering her an olive branch so she can somehow reintegrate her shame and my DCs get to see her before she dies but I suspect it will blow up in my face.

Lorelei76 · 31/07/2016 22:19

Zans, exactly, and the bad feeling is caused by the person who is a) being an arse and b) refusing to apologise, it's not caused by someone refusing to forgive.

Gin, yes, these arses are making themselves look worse refusing to even try end change.

Too tired, I'm just one person with one opinion, but the very last part of your post jumped out at me. When we go NC or low C we all know we are quite likely to die in a car crash or get blown up on the Tube, or that the other person is. But losing loved ones has made me more conscious of making sure I spend time with people who aren't arses, no one is exempt from that on account of a blood link.

I've had two contacts in their 40s and 50s diagnosed with cancer this week, it could be me tomorrow. Like I say, I should have gone low C with dad long ago. A lot of life is crap. There is no need to take on more of it. Enjoy the lovely people and the good things.

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