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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to BFs wedding party..?

70 replies

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 09:11

V good friend got married last fortnight in Scotland. We didn't get an invite as it was a small wedding and just Family and B&G chose 1 friend (and their partners) each. Totally wasn't offended by this as would have been tricky and expensive to take my DC and DH to attend. We talked about it, all good. However.. Big party arranged for next weekend for everyone else. My ex-partner has been invited by groom and bride has said she's not happy about it but doesn't want to rock the boat. Ex and groom are not particularly close friends, just socially acquainted, but he thinks he's 'a laugh' (we live in small town where everyone mixes at weekends)

I'm 5 months PG, we can't seem to get a babysitter at the moment and DH has said he'll stay home and I can go alone. Will know lots of people there and friends going also.

Ex was very abusive. Violent, controlling, unpredictable. Made 10 years of my life a misery. No secret. Everyone at the time knew it was going on and was sympathetic but he's still accepted within their social circle (not in their group of friends but will chat/buy him drinks etc when everyone is together) whereas even though we all still mix occasionally, I had to move on to another group plus had baby so social life died a wee bit.

Ex appears to have calmed down in intervening years (about 6 years) but was a big problem when drunk. On odd occasions I see him socially he still attempts to intimidate me, makes comments, stares etc. Makes me feel uncomfortable. People tend to ignore it if they notice at all.

WIBU to not go to party..? It's a very good friend, not as close as we used to be, but still one of my best. Will have good support network there with other friends but just not feeling up to it. Preggers, alone and ex in attendance is feeling too much.

I will feel rotten not going- but if I'm honest, am hurt that he's invited and that no-one seems to think it might be awkward for me. (I know it's not about ME, and haven't told friend I'm unhappy with his invite or anything as its not MY day!) really don't know if I'm being OTT.. Advice welcomed!!

OP posts:

itsmine · 30/07/2016 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReaWithson · 30/07/2016 11:35

You show astonishing courage when you seem to be surrounded by cowards.

If you do decide to go for the first hour, is there another friend you can arrive with who will stick with you until you leave?

Ginkypig · 30/07/2016 11:59

I don't want to change your perception of your friend (her dh is obviously an arse) but imo she obviously isn't that good a friend and in fact all those others arnt either.

i would never in a million years put my friend in that position, ever!
I'd tell my dh either you uninvite him or the whole party is cancelled!

You are worth more than how they all treat you and allow you to be treated in their presence my friend would never be spoken to in that way when I was with her

Maybe I'm on the other end of the spectrum because Iv been in your shoes but actually I think that is not the reason. I think I'm not a fucking idiot, I have morals and would never allow somone in my presence to be treated sIo awfully

Ginkypig · 30/07/2016 12:16

Sorry wanted to add.

The friends I had then who stood back and watched this treatment of me (after relationship was over and everyone knew) or the friends who (I learned the hard way) couldn't be trusted not to pass information about me on to him are not in my life anymore

My view is I had no right to tell them to not have contact/be friends with him but I had every right to be not put in a position by them which resulted in abuse happening to me while the watched or (info passing) participated

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 12:34

OP,
....and because there have been lots of situations in the past where I have been at the same social events and have just got on with it?

I think this is the biggest problem. I think it's understandable if the groom and the bride (to some extent) didn't consider that it would be a problem.

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 12:40

ginky yes and I know I would be the same.

You are of course right. Tbh I struggle sometimes with feelings of indignation! It's a small place, everyone knows everyone. He grew up here, I didn't. Everyone knows what he's like. I'm out of the social loop these days, he's still part of it. People's memories dull with time. He's done some damage limitation in the intervening years. I rarely mix in the same circles these days so his past behaviour is historical.

Rightly or wrongly, people move on just as I have. His treatment of me is so sporadic these days (because I am not there often enough to be verbally abused) that it's just not something that stirs much reaction in people. That's the reality. My (our!) friends are shocked he was invited, but won't say anything as it would spoil her day. They also know she's a 'people pleaser' who just wants an easy life and it's not done as a reflection of our friendship. As a contrast, we have another mutual friend who was treated similarly badly- verbal and emotional abuse rather than physical- she coped differently, had a breakdown, and he had no history with us, she met him through work, so he's off the scene. Bride would be disgusted if situation was that this guy was invited to mutual party. I don't think it's because they care more for her at all, just that he's not a part of our lives and my ex is still very much a fixture. They see it as 'just one day' and I can go back to staying away from him.

I do feel hurt and frustrated by the apathy but it's been the norm for so long and I've tried to live with it as it serves no-one for me to get angry with people. It wouldnt change anything now. The only plus is i'm happy, have what I want in a new partner and family and he is still in the same place he was when I left. Don't think it's healthy for me to habour too much bitterness and I just enjoy what I have now X

OP posts:

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 12:46

zxzx I agree. But I can't ever win can I? If I don't just get on with it, I'm allowing him to rule my life. I HAVE to get on with it in normal circumstances. Just feeling particularly vulnerable in this situation.

OP posts:

LilacInn · 30/07/2016 13:01

Emmaroos and itsmine make good sense. Re-read their posts.

BlackVelvet1 · 30/07/2016 13:20

I wouldn't go if I was in your shoes. You are not expecting to enjoy it. Explain to your friend that you don't want to see your abusive ex, particularly since you are pregnant. If she is a good friend she should understand. It's not about her, you need to protect yourself.
Have a movie or spa night at home instead and enjoy the evening.
This might also set a precedent and show people that they can't invite the both of you at the same party in the future, they need to choose.

Shizzlestix · 30/07/2016 13:26

I defo wouldn't go. I'm appalled that you're her BF yet her husband has invited an 'acquaintance' and she hasn't stomped all over his stupid invite. Don't think she's really a BF, sorry.

Hissy · 30/07/2016 13:36

Honestly, if I were you I'd make excuses, people think wtf they like. It doesn't matter.

The fact is, people know what he's like and still associate with him. That says more about their character than anything.

Your friend would put your other mutual friends feelings above social niceties, but not yours. One day she'll know what it's like to be in your shoes, and perhaps she'll see how wrong she's got this then.

Distance yourself from the lot of them. They've shown who's important to them, make new and better mates with your h. Invest in that, he sounds like he's really worth it.

Hissy · 30/07/2016 13:37

I wouldn't say it was because of ex either actually, just that it's not going to be possible to attend,and you'll be thinking of them etc

Hissy · 30/07/2016 13:39

These people are actively creating environments for your abusive ex to get some kind of emotional hard on by being shitty to you in front of others, or little gibes here and there... That's not what friends do. Not at all.

Fuck the lot of them

LilacInn · 30/07/2016 14:02

Agree with hissy.

Just decline without explanation. Don't feed the drama. Neither your 'friend' or her social set are worth this much headspace. Move on.

handslikecowstits · 30/07/2016 14:07

One day she'll know what it's like to be in your shoes, and perhaps she'll see how wrong she's got this then

And from what the OP has said about her 'friend' and husband, it might happen sooner than she thinks.

YANBU OP. I'd be fucking livid if I were you. I wouldn't speak to any of them again actually. Your friend is weak and spineless.

confuugled1 · 30/07/2016 16:53

Is there any way that you could put it to your friend and her dh when they are together that as you're pregnant and feeling vulnerable, whilst you would love to be there, you're worried about being there with abusive ex, especially as he has form for continuing to be abusive. And particularly as you're pregnant, you don't want to risk him knocking you or hurting you again (sounds like he has done this since you have split up, apologies if I have this wrong) because you're worried about what might happen to the baby - particularly if he were to knock you and you were to end up falling funnily (even if he were to swear this wasn't what he intended), you'd never forgive yourself if he were to do something that would hurt your baby and that if it were just you, you could suck it up like you always have to but that with the baby involved it's just not worth the risk.

And add that to be quite honest, you feel hurt by both of them (and the rest of your friends) that they wouldn't dream of inviting other friend's abusive ex but that they still invite your abusive ex. If they start to say that he's a friend of theirs whereas other ex wasn't, point out that that's hardly the point, he was abusive. And he still is. But by continuing to invite him to things, his abuse of you still continues, 10 years down the line.

Hopefully that will make them think a bit. And if you're worried about your baby and that your ex might be abusive enough still to push you or knock you that could cause problems for the baby, it might might them stop and think a lot harder about the company they keep!

supersop60 · 30/07/2016 16:55

Just read your update, and I've changed my mind. Don't go. If your friend doesn't understand, she's not your friend.

Mycraneisfixed · 30/07/2016 17:17

Use pregnancy tiredness as an excuse and don't go.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 30/07/2016 17:33

Don't go them, and tell them exactly why. Then get a new group of friends, or at least get rid of these ones. Any group of people who know you've been abused, and continue to be friends and excuse your abuser are no friends of yours.

Ginkypig · 31/07/2016 20:46

I know it's so hard isn't it.

In the end I had to put my self first. I had no real issues with some of these people but it was the thought of living like that forever was too much so anyone who had contact with him (as was their choice even if I didn't understand it) were phased out.

I'm 14 years down the line and also have a partner and stepchildren now. The thought of being put in your situation now (the party) horrifies me! I can't believe I ever thought it was somthing i would have to just deal with then!

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