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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to BFs wedding party..?

70 replies

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 09:11

V good friend got married last fortnight in Scotland. We didn't get an invite as it was a small wedding and just Family and B&G chose 1 friend (and their partners) each. Totally wasn't offended by this as would have been tricky and expensive to take my DC and DH to attend. We talked about it, all good. However.. Big party arranged for next weekend for everyone else. My ex-partner has been invited by groom and bride has said she's not happy about it but doesn't want to rock the boat. Ex and groom are not particularly close friends, just socially acquainted, but he thinks he's 'a laugh' (we live in small town where everyone mixes at weekends)

I'm 5 months PG, we can't seem to get a babysitter at the moment and DH has said he'll stay home and I can go alone. Will know lots of people there and friends going also.

Ex was very abusive. Violent, controlling, unpredictable. Made 10 years of my life a misery. No secret. Everyone at the time knew it was going on and was sympathetic but he's still accepted within their social circle (not in their group of friends but will chat/buy him drinks etc when everyone is together) whereas even though we all still mix occasionally, I had to move on to another group plus had baby so social life died a wee bit.

Ex appears to have calmed down in intervening years (about 6 years) but was a big problem when drunk. On odd occasions I see him socially he still attempts to intimidate me, makes comments, stares etc. Makes me feel uncomfortable. People tend to ignore it if they notice at all.

WIBU to not go to party..? It's a very good friend, not as close as we used to be, but still one of my best. Will have good support network there with other friends but just not feeling up to it. Preggers, alone and ex in attendance is feeling too much.

I will feel rotten not going- but if I'm honest, am hurt that he's invited and that no-one seems to think it might be awkward for me. (I know it's not about ME, and haven't told friend I'm unhappy with his invite or anything as its not MY day!) really don't know if I'm being OTT.. Advice welcomed!!

OP posts:

supersop60 · 30/07/2016 10:07

I can totally understand why you don't want to go, but agree with other posters that you are still allowing your ex to determine what you do (whether he knows it or not).
Take the dcs and bump, go early, all smiles and congratulations, and leave early.
You have supported your friend and got away without any confrontation.
Good luck.

Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 10:07

What LemonSqueezy said.
Nonsense that you are letting him win if you don't go.
You are letting him win if you do something you don't want to do because of him, and that includes seeing him if you prefer not to. Quick explanation to your friend, but don't get into a big drama about it - it's her wedding so be the bigger person and let her enjoy it.
TBH, if she's got any backbone, when she realises that it's an either/or situation I would hope she will think it's worthwhile rocking the boat to exclude him and invite you if you are very close and the two guys are not, but she may also (reasonably) feel that it's up to them to issue invitations to who they each want (without having to ask permission) and then it's up to guests to decide if they want to attend or not.
I'd also arrange a special dinner or similar if you don't go, for her to show you the photos and tell you all about it.

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2016 10:11

Tell your friend she should judge her fiance by his friends.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/07/2016 10:14

Book a sitter and go with your husband if not too late to get one.

Or do a special dinner another time. I would however maybe as an aside to her, point out why you couldn't go etc so that eg if there's a christening/big birthday party or similar event etc in future that she knows if she wants you to come he won't be able to come (your ex) or you'll have to bring your DH. And of course as you know your DH better than we do, hopefully him and your ex can behave in public! I know some who can't around exes and it's understandable really.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2016 10:15

Try sitters for a babysitter or post in childcare board your area and sure a qualified nanny/cm will be able to help you

Try and get one and go with dh and show an united front - you can always say you don't feel well due to pregnancy and leave early

If your child wasn't invited and just you and dh then don't take them

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 10:15

beenaround thisis and grumpy yes I agree, it is a big day for her and that is why I am so torn. I also agree re: letting the ex 'win' and yes, he will notice I'm not there. He'll be expecting me to be there. I am also aware he will get pleasure if he knows I'm not attending because he is. However, he'll also get a kick out of trying to make me feel uncomfortable if I'm there so it's a win, win for him. People have short memories and he'll just get away with it like he has a million times before because he's subtle about it and while I know he can't actually hurt me, years of conditioning means I can see when he's threatening. Most of our social circle just think the trick is to ignore him when he's like that like he's some sort of out of control child trying to get attention. Plus he's v v charming to everyone else.

Ordinarily I would brazen it out- I have done many, many times in the past which is why I think they both assume I will react the same way this time and will be surprised that I'm not attending 'just' due to him being there. I've put up with his behaviour for years since I left him and no-one has ever back me up publicly in front of him since I left.

It's the pregnant bit mostly. I'll be sober and it will be much harder to mix and 'enjoy' myself when everyone is drunk and on a different level. I fear I'll be sitting around a lot hugging a coke and smiling at thin air. Even without the ex in the mix that would be a struggle.

It's an evening 'do' and kids are not invited. I would take mine anyway tbh. I don't want him having any opportunity to see/have contact with them.

Perhaps I'll feel differently nearer the day. But these days I tend to avoid him as much as possible because I don't see the point in putting myself through it.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 30/07/2016 10:18

You definitely win if you dont go! Crickey, why would you put yourself through the stress?

Stay home and have a nice night in.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 30/07/2016 10:21

Agree it is not about him 'winning'. It is about you doing what you want to do, not feeling uncomfortable and putty g yourself through the stress of being around an abusive arsehole- especially whilst pregnant. Why put yourself through that?

Stay at home or do something nice with your partner and kids instead

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 10:22

ark Why would this man even want to go to this party? Because he can? To demonstrate that the OP has no power over him? That he can do what he likes and that her 'very good friend' won't stop him?

This exactly. He would have been rubbing his hands in glee at the thought that I'm obviously not that special if he gets an invite.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 30/07/2016 10:24

But since you've been to numerous events with him there in the past 6 years, and there has been no sudden change in your interaction, why would he connect your absence with him?

(Unless twat of a groom tells him).

Just ask your friend to put about the story you happen to be unwell that night due to the pregnancy.

Wdigin2this · 30/07/2016 10:24

As far as how you would feel, on your own at the party...it is all about you, so do what you really feels best for yourself! If you don't want to go you have 2 choices 1) plead illness a few days before, 2) explain the situation to your friend, and offer to take her out for lunch/afternoon tea soon!

ohtheholidays · 30/07/2016 10:33

Don't go OP,I have an ex husband like him and there's no way I'd go,not because I'm scared of him or give a shit about what he wants but because the main reason he'd be going would be because he wanted to be able to get close to me no matter what and I bet it's the same with your ex.

You don't have to tell anyone it's because of him.Your pregnant,say your not feeling great,mention that your not feeling great this weekend/Monday of next week then no one should presume that it's anything to do with your ex when you don't go.

That or tell her that your DH has planned a surprise for you for before the baby comes,tell your friend that he realized that he'd need to tell you that you were going to be busy that day so you didn't double book yourself.

trafalgargal · 30/07/2016 10:36

Id arrive early with DH , explain you aren't staying long as you aren't too well but had to stop by to wish them well.....make DH stick to you like glue, even down to making sure he doesn't leave you alone to go to the bar .....and make a smiling early exit.

Show this man once and for all he has no impact on your life anymore and even if he hasn't moved on you most certainly have and are very happy.

There's plenty of other people to talk to. He's just invisible you don't have to utter a word to him or acknowledge his existence .

MrsJayy · 30/07/2016 10:39

You are not at war with him you dont need to win by going he put you through hell by what you are saying you dont have to be seen to be over the abuse and rising above it going to this wedding will make you feel awkward and vulnerable if he sees it as him getting 1 over on you that is his issue not yours dont go

Goingtobeawesome · 30/07/2016 10:43

Perfectly reasonable not to go. Appears she's putting her husband's wants first before you, which in general may be okay, but this man is an abusive bully still so I think she's out of order.

cleanasawhistle · 30/07/2016 10:43

I wouldn't go to a pary if my ex was invited and everyone I know understands the situation.

A few years ago somone I thought of as a good friend did invite me and also my ex to her 40th.
I declined the invitation and told my friend why,she kept saying but you will be fine etc etc, I said I won't put myself through that for an reason......she wasn't happy and kept repeating but its my 40th.
Shortly before the party she phoned to say my ex was busy and wouldn't be able to go so I could now attend.....I told her I still won't be coming because a decent friend wouldn't have invited him in the first place.

In this situation your friend should be rocking the boat.

EllaHen · 30/07/2016 10:56

Don't go. YANBU.

Foslady · 30/07/2016 11:03

Simple then - 'I'm not going, I can't be arsed doing with a Tosser like him trying to ruin another night out for me like he did at X/y/z's do's'

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 11:07

Thanks. Appreciate your replies.

It's an eve do so going early won't avoid anything as everyone will turn up at 8. If I can't get a sitter DH can't come and kids aren't invited.

Going alone is the issue so iDH can go, I'll go for a bit. They're not really his friends, although he knows them well, he's not bothered about being there so would happily leave early. If he can't come, I don't think I'll go. Gone past the point of 'showing my ex he doesn't bother me' he knows I've moved on, he knows he can do v little to affect me now but it won't stop him from digging and trying to make me uncomfortable. I've shown him plenty of times in the past that he doesn't stop me doing things. He still does stuff like threatening DH (who witheringly ignores him completely) to shouting out druken obscenities when I walk past, barging into me, whispering with little girls and giggling, staring at me. Spreading lies. Talking loudly about 'c*ts being here' Still continues despite me 'showing him' I'm tired of it. And I'm pregnant and not feeling much like faking having fun and the effort it takes to consciously ignore him. All while the people I'm standing with pretend they can't see what he's doing. It's such a fun game for him. No-one says anything because he's unpredictable and they don't want to be on the receiving end either. He's utterly delightful if he's in the mood though and people try to just coax him to be 'fun' and entertaining as he can charm the birds from the trees when he's on form. He can switch in a nanosecond.

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 30/07/2016 11:08

Go early with your DH, get your DH to stick to you like glue, socialise on the opposite side of the room to your ex and leave early before people your ex start to get drunk.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 30/07/2016 11:11

Just don't go, invites are always open to declining.

On the basis of not being invited to the wedding lots would say no anyway without the added baggage.

ReaWithson · 30/07/2016 11:13

It really doesn't matter what the arsehole ex thinks as he'll twist it into a 'win' whatever happens because he's a sick bastard still stuck in the past, whilst you have liberated yourself, moved on, and have a lovely family.

As you said, even without the ex, you're not sure you'd particularly enjoy yourself, so why go? Out of a sense of duty? Your friend should have put her foot down about him coming if she expected you to honour the friendship and attend under any circumstances, let alone whilst pregnant. If the friendship really is a good one, she will understand.

RandomMess · 30/07/2016 11:15

It sounds like you've decided not to go, which is absolutely fine!

ReaWithson · 30/07/2016 11:15

Just read your update - is your friend aware of threats to your DH and the shouting obscenities at you?!?

Original poster

Marigold76 · 30/07/2016 11:27

real yeah. Everyone knows what he's like. People have short memories and when it's not happening personally, seem to downplay it when looking back. Very much like 'y know, he's a fuckwit, but don't let him spoil it for you, we'll all just ignore him' which is a reasonable response when you want to support someone and want them to come along! They also don't/can't understand the effort it takes to ignore, and the little niggling feeling of fear you have to constantly push down. The hard work it is to keep 'smiling and having SUCH a good time'

Perhaps if I'm feeling less fragile next week I'll go along for an hour at early doors and then make excuses and leave. I'll miss the worst of it and will still have a few relatively sober people to chat to! Really appreciate your replies though. Feels a bit therapeutic to discuss it tbh! X

OP posts:

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