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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A wedding AIBU- DP and I can't agree!

75 replies

WanderingNotLost · 29/07/2016 22:10

So DP and I are beginning to make tentative wedding plans- we'll be paying for the whole thing ourselves so won't have a huge budget. We're hoping to keep it at around £10k- half of which is coming from the inheritance I received when my Grandma died, which is all being put towards the wedding.
I took my DP to the church I've been a semi-regular at for a while now and he liked it well enough (he's not religious so it makes very little difference to him) however I kept looking because a- there's no guarantee that church will be available around the time we want to get married and b- as a church it doesn't have a great deal of character or atmosphere. We're getting married in London so no shortage of churches to choose from! I However DP is pissed off with this because he says I just can't make my mind up and will never be happy.
Similar situation with the reception venue- we've found a pub which as yet has no bookings next summer and would work within our budget. One downside is that whilst there is space outside there's only a couple of benches to sit on- we're getting married in summer so if it's a nice day people will want to spend time outside, and won't necessarily want to stand up all day. Also it is a courtyard surround by buildings so not very bright. So I kept looking around because I didn't want to just stop at the first place we like the look of. I've found a venue which is lovely, still in a convenient location, and has a gorgeous outside terrace with plenty of seating and a lovely view of the city. It is more expensive (not ridiculously so), but I think it's worth the extra for a much nicer venue, and nicer food. Again DP is saying that I'll just never make my mind up and I'll just keep looking and looking and won't be satisfied. To me, he just seems to be saying 'yep, that'll do' to the first church and venue we look at!
Basically we can't agree on certain budget aspects. My DP is insisting on putting a fairly hefty chunk of money behind the bar- (in his words, "otherwise what are they coming for?" I responded that if people are only coming to our wedding for a free piss-up I'd rather not have them there.) To me that is literally throwing money down the drain. I'd rather pay the extra for a better venue and not have a free bar than downgrade just so we can pay for everyone to get pissed. He says if we go for the more expensive venue we'll have to make sacrifices elsewhere- like having a video. I really want a videographer- the whole day passes in such a blur and I think it would be really nice to have a video to capture the day. I'm feeling a bit resentful that I'm putting my entire inheritance into this and he wants me to settle for the first place we look at that's in our budget just so we can spend a load of money on booze. I'd rather have memories of a gorgeous venue than a literal piss up in a brewery!
I'm trying to be as un-Bridezilla about this as possible- I'm not stamping my feet and insisting we do everything my way- I'm just saying let's not stop at the first thing we look at, let's look around see what else might work.
So, who is BU- me or DP? (dons flameproof hat and clutches at G&T)

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 29/07/2016 23:18

You're spending £10k and that's not even covering the dress & the cake?

I wouldn't spend the inheritance if it was me. I'd scale down to what we coukd jointly afford and not start married life in such an unbalanced ed, potentially resentful, way.

But as I said, I'd be looking at basic compatibility before I looked at another wedding venue. It would be interesting go to know what his ex fiancée would say if asked about why they split up.

MeLittleDuckie · 29/07/2016 23:20

We saved loads of money by buying a wee camcorder and asking a relative to record the day for us. The end result was so much better than a professional one - it may not be as swanky looking but we love it because it's so much more personal, as the guy who did it obviously knew us and lots of the guests, he also had a load of banter with the guests he didn't know, which was so funny for us to watch afterwards! One of the best wedding decisions we made I think! Good luck with all your arrangements!

WanderingNotLost · 29/07/2016 23:20

Also, he isn't an atheist exactly, he's just not religious. He'd object to getting married in a church if there was a huge difference in cost between that and a registry office, but with the number of people coming there wouldn't really be any difference, so he's happy enough to get married in a church. I was just using that as an example of him saying I'll never be happy!

OP posts:
ceebie · 29/07/2016 23:20

Does he find hunting for a church and venue stressful? Can you say that you're enjoying the planning stage, and can he just let you get on with that? Maybe set a date by which you can give him the shortlist of your top 3 to visit together for a final decision?

Don't pay for an open bar. Maybe pay for a drink on arrival (choice between 2 or 3 options only, which are affordable), and/or wine with the meal if you can afford it, but not an open bar - a few selfish twats will order ridiculously expensive drinks and run up a massive tab. And limited money behind the bar will result in some people moaning that they didn't get much/any before the tab ran out as they were too busy with the official photographs or whatever

JudyCoolibar · 29/07/2016 23:21

If he's looking for excuses to criticise you now, are you really sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

nicolasixx · 29/07/2016 23:26

Have a video made. For some silly reason we skimped and didn't and now all there is is some terrible home video taken by an uncle 🙁. If you can afford it, do it!

Costacoffeeplease · 29/07/2016 23:26

Well normal catering is half a bottle per person, so 3 between 10 is definitely on the stingy side - what if all 10 wanted white?

Anyway, I agree that you need to think about how you resolve differences of opinion, op, and I would also take the 5k out of the equation, it would be better held in reserve especially if you're planning children soon, and would stop you feeling that you're contributing more and should have more of a say

Clankboing · 29/07/2016 23:30

I've been to lots of weddings and each time I've paid for bar drinks. I wouldn't put money behind the bar. And I would have nice surroundings. A relative did our video. It was fine!

WanderingNotLost · 29/07/2016 23:32

I think he's frazzled at the minute in general which really isn't helping! He's been having a tough time at work which makes him irritable. I promise he's not a dick!

In this respect he's just very much of the 'we've found the pub and it's nice and we can afford it so why keep looking?' mindset. To him it was pretty much a done deal (although we've not booked anywhere), and I've chucked a spanner in the works by continuing to look at other places.

OP posts:
Porg · 29/07/2016 23:32

It's not as showy but if there is a nice village hall near a church or a church hall itself you could arrange catering and also do a booze cruise to buy all the drinks too. If you just do beer, wine and soft drinks people shouldn't get too smashed. You could get it all in budget then.

I am the anti-bridezilla though and hate the waste of over extravagant weddings when the money is better off spent on the couples future.

PersianCatLady · 29/07/2016 23:34

£10,000 for one day. If it were my wedding I would much prefer to have a quiet ceremony with only a few close family and friends and put the money towards something else.

trafalgargal · 29/07/2016 23:35

I'd stop taking him for first looks at places. Do your research (take a girlfriend) and then come up with a top 2 or 3 that meet both of your requirements. Then spend ONE day looking at the shortlisted places together and decide.

FlyingElbows · 29/07/2016 23:44

Op think very very carefully before you spend your inheritance money on a single afternoon's entertainment. Wedding planning is all very exciting and what have you but the reality of a wedding is more money than you'd ever justify at any other time spent on a bit of food and fluff and it's over in the blink of an eye. There are far better things to spend that money on. Things that won't get thrown in anyone's face in the heat of an argument! Your marriage is the important bit and you can do that quite well without blowing all your money on getting your mates drunk.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 29/07/2016 23:45

I'd wind it back and hang on to the bulk of your inheritance.
If you have pub A then hire some benches for the day.
Don't go down the route of obsessing over detail or you will go the way of Bridezilla.

Lorelei76 · 29/07/2016 23:53

Aw hell
It's your money so I wasn't going to say it but as others have...unless you are quite well set there's no way I'd spend that inheritance on one day - that passes in a blur - either!

Daisygarden · 29/07/2016 23:55

Lots of people just do bubbly/buck's fizz/orange on arrival at the venue, some for the toast, and a few bottles of wine for the table. Have been to lots of weddings, a few were free bars but most provided welcome drink, toast and table wine and the rest was paying bar. People are coming to celebrate your marriage, not have a free bar all day.

Pick your nicer venue, don't have a free bar, get your videographer. There! Job done, now your DH to be can't moan.

PS If you want to get married in a different church to where you live, speak to someone at the church first to check. If neither of you live in the parish area of the church, or have strong family or background links to the church, you may not be able to have your wedding there. You usually need to live in the parish area to that church. Exceptions, with a good reason, have to be granted by special licence (or similar) from higher up.

Bogeyface · 30/07/2016 00:00

Not RTWT.

YANBU to find the perfect venue for the reception, its where you will spend the majority of the day
YANBU to not want to put £££££ behind the bar. No one does that these days.
YABU to "shop around" for a church. If you regularly attend a church then thats where you should be married. It is the words that count, not how it looks especially when there are so many photogenic venues in London that you could go to for your photos after the ceremony.
YABVVVVU to marry a man who is clearly only interested in the party. I did that. I spent my wedding night on my own while he was in the 24 hour bar singing karaoke with his best friend. We are still together for complicated reasons but not for love. Yes I am projecting, but I would be probing deeper into why he is only interested in getting pissed with his mates instead of having a day to remember with you.

TuppencePenny · 30/07/2016 00:08

YANBU and you're not being a bridezilla. I couldn't get on board with taking everyone to a mediocre venue and plying them with free drink all night. You'll resent that especially as the money has come from your grandmother. What a waste. It sounds like you've found a lovely venue and of course you're going to look around. IMO guests don't expect a free bar anyway- just a glass of champers for the toast and then they can pay for their own drinks. Someone always takes the mick at a free bar and it's not good having everyone wasted by 4pm.

Don't be bullied into organising a free piss up for his mates. This is your wedding day- go with the venue you love put on some food and champagne and enjoy yourselves. As to his question "well what are they coming for?" I hope you said "to celebrate our marriage and declaration of lifelong commitment to each other. The same as for any wedding. Why, what do you think they're coming for?"

Motherfuckers · 30/07/2016 00:17

Nobody else will remember the venue, but everyone will remember a free bar. I think that the weddings where the B&G have worried more about how the wedding looks rather than giving their guests a good time, have been pretty boring affairs. I am with your DP on this one!

robinia · 30/07/2016 00:25

Most weddings I've been to have at least some money behind the bar or supply each guest with some drinks tokens. So I don't think your dh2b is being unreasonable to want this.
But as others have said, I'd be looking carefully at how you're spending £10K on one day, especially as the dress and cake aren't included. Does the £10K include the honeymoon?
I'd also do all the pre-visiting of venues without dh2b. Then do a shortlist of perhaps three churches and three reception venues.
Sit down with dh2b and work out each others priorities. And both be prepared to compromise if his priorities are not the same as yours and you can't afford everything.

WanderingNotLost · 30/07/2016 00:26

I don't mind putting the inheritance towards the wedding- I know my Grandma had intended to make a contribution anyway (she died 6 weeks before we got engaged Sad) so I think she'd approve. And we already have a mortgage (or at least, DP does and my name is going on the deed).
DP isn't suggesting a completely open bar- but he'd like to put enough behind to cover as much time as possible with specificity on the drinks- a particular red/white/rosé wine, a few types of beer and a few spirits- if people want to go crazy with the jäger bombs and bubbly that's all on them! Whereas I'd be happy with a glass of fizz for arrival and speeches and wine with the dinner. To me that's pretty standard.
I know £10k seems like a huge amount to spend, and it's true. The thing is my family is huge- over 50 people (Irish) and DP has two close groups of friends from school and uni who together with spouses comes to nearly 40. Then with his family and my friends we're looking at about 120 altogether. So there's not really any way of having a small thing without cutting out people that we really do want to be there!
I think the 'what are they coming for' comment was more a result of his being knackered and a bit stressed at the moment more than that being how he genuinely feels.

OP posts:
Daisygarden · 30/07/2016 00:29

Mother I remember the venue of every single wedding (although I don't judge them whatsoever) whereas I'd be hard pressed to think which wedding was the free bar! I say go for venue with welcome drinks & table wine, no free bar. It's only the same as a night out then in terms of paying for drinks. I can't think of anyone who's ever minded not having a free bar, everyone knows how expensive weddings are. TBH I'm happy to pay for my own drinks, wouldn't expect otherwise.

WanderingNotLost · 30/07/2016 00:30

Also, the last wedding I went to that had an open bar (paid for by FOTB), the groom got so shitfaced he woke up the next day on the floor of his sisters hotel room. I'd quite like to avoid that happening to me!
We're getting married in London (DP's non-negotiable- he wouldn't even consider my hometown as its 'too far to travel'- in Essex!!) and there aren't many venues that are big enough to fit our numbers that come cheap. The pub and the other one I like both have a minimum spend of £6k.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 30/07/2016 00:35

YABU and YANBU.

YANBU to not want to settle for the first place you see, but YABU to infer that because it's your money therefore you get final say, and that what matters to HIM isn't as important, you said he suggested a cap and you disagreed with that too?

Perhaps you should take your inheritance out of it (bit shortsighted to spend it on one day!) so it's a bit more equal.

Also if you think your DF will get so drunk that he's useless, can't you just talk to him about it?

TBH it's a bit concerning you're both so cross about essentially trivial things BEFORE you're even married.

JuanTime · 30/07/2016 00:40

Book a church if that what you want
Get a Food venue,some booze on table but after that, at Bar but guests buy their own drink
Keep your inheritance out of it.its yours,not an ours or wedding thing.yours

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