To just tell her to f**k off?!

[Heidibb]

FILs partner, call her Kate because that's easier than saying FILS partner haha, used to look after SILs sons, 4 and 7, at least once a week and would often have them for sleepovers yet would go months and months without even asking how my 2 sons, 2 and 4, are doing. She'd spend massive amounts of FILs money (she's on benefits fraudently and doesn't work) on my nephews, buying them toys, clothes ETC, but never a penny our way apart from Chrismas and birthdays.

Everytime I suggest doing things, E.G cinema, zoo, park; some things that don't cost money and other things that I'd happily pay for, she would say she couldn't because SIL and her sons would get upset that she didn't take them or do something with them separelty (although she does every week) But she is always taking those 2 out and not including my son. I've heard from her sons girlfriend (only 19 but I have a really good relationship with her) that Kate has even encouraged them to lie to me when I've asked about things and told her 2 sons, 17 and 19, and their girlfriends not to put things on Facebook with SILs children because she told me she was too busy to see my children that day but had taken nephews out. She has also told the girlfriend I've said no to her (the girlfriend) taking my sons and dogs(she loves my Labrador) to the park for a few hours even though she never asked me.

2 weeks ago Kate argued with SIL and since then has been refused contact with SILS children. IMO it's just SIL attention seeking and over reacting. Obviously missing having some kids around to spoil (she is still young, only in her late 30s and her 2 boys are basically adults so maybe that is relevant some how?) she messaged me a few days ago saying her and FIL feel bad for not seeing me, my partner and my boys much and they want to come up with some arrangement like they had with SIL where we go out like once a week to do something fun with the boys and then go out for food.

I know she is just doing this because she no longer has contact with her other GC and in all honestly am very bitter about it. I want to say to her no, she hasn't had any interest before now so why should I just allow her to swoop in but at the same time I don't want to deprive my sons of a relationship with their grandparents. I'm also worried that once SIL has gotten over her tantrum and wants Kate to start looking after her kids again then she is just going to drop my kids and stop seeing them.

[Heidibb]

Why is that?

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

I have just seen several threads where people 'slip in' accusations of benefit fraud and they never end well. Full apologies if you are genuine, but I feel 'Kate's' income & how she acquires it is not really relevant to your query. That aside, I understand your frustration and suspect that her sudden interest in your children is disingenuous. Perhaps sit down with her and air how you feel about her previous form of playing favourites?

[Missgraeme]

Sounds like a real treasure. Don't think I would want such a bitch having any input in my kids lives. She encourages minors to lie for starters. That's surely reason enough to keep them away? Ob a whole list of other reasons. U worry they will be upset u didn't let them go?? Maybe more that u sent them with her?!?!

[Heidibb]

Okay, the benefit fraud wasn't relevant perhaps and now I regret including it. I know it is true though as we lived with them but that's all I'm saying now.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

[gillybeanz]

No way would I have let my dc call her Nana, put your foot down, she isn't their Nana.
I agree with pp, stay well away and don't encourage a relationship with your children, she sounds horrible.
She will drop them as soon as sil has got over her problem with her and then your dc will be out in the cold again.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I'm presuming the benefit fraud is something like claiming as a single person while living with your fil? That would certainly be pretty obvious if you lived in the same house as them.. Maybe not explicitly relevant, but I can see how it might cloud how you feel about her.
Maybe if you want to give her a chance / the benefit of the doubt arrange an outing for a couple of weeks time, don't mention it to the dc in case it doesn't come off, and then take it from there?

[Memoires]

I would do as ColdTatty suggests. Make an arrangement for a couple of weeks' time. Don't mention it to the children. It gives her enough time to make friends with SIL again and to cancel you.

If she and SIL have split irrevocally then keep making arrangements but for the time being not too often, every 2 or 3 weeks, or even monthly. The one thing you don't want is your kids loving her a lot, when she's a flake and likely to let them down and break their hearts.

Would chatting to FIL help? Asking him how serious she is about your children and being straight up about them not being subs or stand ins for SIL's, impressing upon him that they are real people and have feelings and need to be protected and loved and cherished?

[PovertyPain]

No offence, but the fucker only wants time with the kids, to make the sil jealous. It's bloody obvious. They're not playthings for her, until sil comes back with her favourite grand kids! then you'll be back to square one. Why put yourself and the children through that? Do you honestly think she would be doing all this hearts and flowers if the other children were still about?