To just tell her to f**k off?!

[Heidibb]

FILs partner, call her Kate because that's easier than saying FILS partner haha, used to look after SILs sons, 4 and 7, at least once a week and would often have them for sleepovers yet would go months and months without even asking how my 2 sons, 2 and 4, are doing. She'd spend massive amounts of FILs money (she's on benefits fraudently and doesn't work) on my nephews, buying them toys, clothes ETC, but never a penny our way apart from Chrismas and birthdays.

Everytime I suggest doing things, E.G cinema, zoo, park; some things that don't cost money and other things that I'd happily pay for, she would say she couldn't because SIL and her sons would get upset that she didn't take them or do something with them separelty (although she does every week) But she is always taking those 2 out and not including my son. I've heard from her sons girlfriend (only 19 but I have a really good relationship with her) that Kate has even encouraged them to lie to me when I've asked about things and told her 2 sons, 17 and 19, and their girlfriends not to put things on Facebook with SILs children because she told me she was too busy to see my children that day but had taken nephews out. She has also told the girlfriend I've said no to her (the girlfriend) taking my sons and dogs(she loves my Labrador) to the park for a few hours even though she never asked me.

2 weeks ago Kate argued with SIL and since then has been refused contact with SILS children. IMO it's just SIL attention seeking and over reacting. Obviously missing having some kids around to spoil (she is still young, only in her late 30s and her 2 boys are basically adults so maybe that is relevant some how?) she messaged me a few days ago saying her and FIL feel bad for not seeing me, my partner and my boys much and they want to come up with some arrangement like they had with SIL where we go out like once a week to do something fun with the boys and then go out for food.

I know she is just doing this because she no longer has contact with her other GC and in all honestly am very bitter about it. I want to say to her no, she hasn't had any interest before now so why should I just allow her to swoop in but at the same time I don't want to deprive my sons of a relationship with their grandparents. I'm also worried that once SIL has gotten over her tantrum and wants Kate to start looking after her kids again then she is just going to drop my kids and stop seeing them.

[PovertyPain]

No offence, but the fucker only wants time with the kids, to make the sil jealous. It's bloody obvious. They're not playthings for her, until sil comes back with her favourite grand kids! then you'll be back to square one. Why put yourself and the children through that? Do you honestly think she would be doing all this hearts and flowers if the other children were still about?

[Memoires]

I would do as ColdTatty suggests. Make an arrangement for a couple of weeks' time. Don't mention it to the children. It gives her enough time to make friends with SIL again and to cancel you.

If she and SIL have split irrevocally then keep making arrangements but for the time being not too often, every 2 or 3 weeks, or even monthly. The one thing you don't want is your kids loving her a lot, when she's a flake and likely to let them down and break their hearts.

Would chatting to FIL help? Asking him how serious she is about your children and being straight up about them not being subs or stand ins for SIL's, impressing upon him that they are real people and have feelings and need to be protected and loved and cherished?

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I'm presuming the benefit fraud is something like claiming as a single person while living with your fil? That would certainly be pretty obvious if you lived in the same house as them.. Maybe not explicitly relevant, but I can see how it might cloud how you feel about her.
Maybe if you want to give her a chance / the benefit of the doubt arrange an outing for a couple of weeks time, don't mention it to the dc in case it doesn't come off, and then take it from there?

[gillybeanz]

No way would I have let my dc call her Nana, put your foot down, she isn't their Nana.
I agree with pp, stay well away and don't encourage a relationship with your children, she sounds horrible.
She will drop them as soon as sil has got over her problem with her and then your dc will be out in the cold again.

[Heidibb]

Okay, the benefit fraud wasn't relevant perhaps and now I regret including it. I know it is true though as we lived with them but that's all I'm saying now.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

[Missgraeme]

Sounds like a real treasure. Don't think I would want such a bitch having any input in my kids lives. She encourages minors to lie for starters. That's surely reason enough to keep them away? Ob a whole list of other reasons. U worry they will be upset u didn't let them go?? Maybe more that u sent them with her?!?!

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

I have just seen several threads where people 'slip in' accusations of benefit fraud and they never end well. Full apologies if you are genuine, but I feel 'Kate's' income & how she acquires it is not really relevant to your query. That aside, I understand your frustration and suspect that her sudden interest in your children is disingenuous. Perhaps sit down with her and air how you feel about her previous form of playing favourites?

[Heidibb]

Why is that?

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Okaaaaay (expects to see 'thread deleted' tommorrow morning).

[Queenofthecats]

Living with her doesn't mean you know her situation though surely?

[Heidibb]

No I don't like Kate much because she treats people like dirt.

[Heidibb]

Like I said, it was when saying she is spending FILs money. I do know so much about her situation as I lived with them for 4 years before we brought out own home.

[hotdiggedy]

I think you dont like Kate very much and what on earth does her being on benefits have anything to do with things? I love that people 'know' so much about other peoples situations.

[PovertyPain]

Don't let her anywhere near your children. She will drop them as soon as your sil is speaking to her and that will happen as the sil won't want to give up the free child care. That will be so confusing for and cruel to your children.

[Heidibb]

I was saying she spends FILs money on SILs kids as she doesn't have her own. Probably wasn't relevant. But i was thinking more to the people saying she is entitled to spend her own money how she please.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

She's on benefits fraudrently and doesn't work. And this is relevant to your post because.....?

[Heidibb]

No she isn't their real grandmother but when she does see them she encourages them to call her "Nana".

My partner had a close relationship with his dad before the birth of my first child and her 2nd, after that it was always a competion between my partner and his sister which she always won. He was hurt but has just moved on now. He's been away for work, back tomorrow, so hasn't had time to talk about it and said we would talk when he is back.

I don't particularly want her around them but I always don't want them to later resent me for stopping her seeing them if they see their cousins getting lots of loving from her. It's not just about me and my wants, it's my kids too.

[QuiteLikely5]

In all honesty I think it's an absolute blessing that she keeps her distance.

Your children aren't toys and she seems to like dividing the family - I'm wondering if she is trying to upset Sil and nothing more

I think if you take the bait then you will live to regret it as these people rarely change

[Heidibb]

I'm not annoyed that she didn't show interest in my kids, I was at first but I came to accept it over the past 4 years. What I want to for my kids to be treated like humans by the person they call Nana and not picked up and dropped when it suits them. I'm also not annoyed that she wants to see my kids, in any other circumstances I wouldn't think twice but it's obvious she's only doing because she's no longer allowed to see SILs children.

When her sons girlfriend takes my sons out its always with me as she doesn't drive or only to a park round the corner. It's very rare she is alone for long amounts of time as I am a SAHM so I am quite sure she isn't taking them to see Kate behind my back. She asked through Kate because this was before we had a close relationship.

[happypoobum]

Well if she is such a two faced bitchy person I can't imagine why you want her anywhere near your DC?

[scaryteacher]

Presumably she isn't your kids real grandmother though? I was unfortunate enough to have a 'stepmonster', and I refused point blank to acknowledge her as my ds's grandmother, as she wasn't. He already had two grandmothers, my dm, and mil, and he didn't need her too. My db chose to engage, with his kids, and was most upset when his kids were dropped, as her own had started reproducing.

Don't get drawn in, she's playing games, and the fall out won't be pretty.

[Cabrinha]

Well she sounds horribly so even aside from the potential to just drop your kids later - why would you want her around them?

Your FIL is just as much a problem, he's also choosing not to bother with your kids.

His son - your partner - is notably absent from your post. What does he think.

I would make vague non committal noises about it being a lovely idea, and you'll get back to her.

Then don't.

If she pushes you with a suggested date say sorry, we're seeing SIL. Mwah ha ha 😈

[Queenofthecats]

If we did say to FIL he could see my kids but no Kate I can guarantee they will go behind my back and she'd end up seeing them anyway

How do you know that when her sons girlfriend is seeing your children she isn't taking them to see her anyway? Why do you trust her more than your partners dad. Not being rude, just curious.

she is very loud and will say if she has something to say

Polite way of saying she's an arse hole then?

She has also told the girlfriend I've said no to her (the girlfriend) taking my sons and dogs(she loves my Labrador) to the park for a few hours even though she never asked me.

If you have a close relationship with the girlfriend why didn't she ask you herself as opposed to asking through your MIL who has little contact with you?