what ever I buy for her birthday she wont like it.

[lordsteatime]

My mum has a big birthday coming up. We wanted to arrange a party, which she suggested as fun, but when we started suggesting were to have it, who to invite, she said no to all of it.
For instance i asked if i could invite her brothers and their partners/wives and she said, no because she didnt like on of the wives. She didnt want her party ruined by having to be polite to 'that woman'.
A suggestion to have the party at her house was 'too much work and not much of a treat for me' and my suggestion to have party in my home/garden was met with 'you live too far away and my friends wont come' BTW my home is about 20/30 mins by car away from hers.
We made a suggestion of hiring local hall, but again, negative comments made about it.

Recently she has been telling me about all the gifts she has had over the years that were crap esp those from my dad.

i suggested in the end that i take her out for a cream tea as she loves cakes, but she said she makes her own perfectly good scones and cream at home and doesnt need to go out for that.

I have a list in my head of things she hates,
clothes, very fussy about clothes, not see through, not too low a neckline, not wool as it makes her itch, and not too long /short a top length, and not yellow as it makes her look sallow.
no ri rings, watches or necklaces as she has a nickal allergy and only wears a necklace that has a very long chain as she hates tight things around her neck, that can hang outside her clothes.
no ornaments,

Before she mentioned the ornament thing, I already ordered something, a real rose dipped in gold. It looked good on amazon but in reality looks a bit shit.
Have also brought a hamper of tea and biscuits as she meets friends and her brothers at her house once a week.
I think ehe will not be impressed about that either.
so am at a loss.
Should I accept I cant make her happy and concentrate on providing her with something to complain about?

I'd get her nothing at all . Thereby giving her the thing she really wants , albeit indirectly . A really good opportunity to complain .

I have one of them too. doesn't like, jewellery,clothes,perfume,candles, anything for the house, spa breaks (because she doesn't want a stranger touching her), doesn't like books or the theatre or going the cinema, cant see the point of going for a meal when she could make it cheaper at home, doesn't have any hobbies, doesn't like alcohol. doesn't like sight seeing. flowers are considered a waste of money.
Any requests for suggestions are met with "whats the point of asking me what I want, its not a surprise then" or "buy me anything I,m easy to please".
After tying myself in knots for years she gets vouchers now. I don't even try to think of something she might like and I honestly don't care anymore if she's disappointed.
I suggest you adopt the same attitude. Its very liberating

Failing that a rose bush that has the same name as her that you can plant in her garden

I was going to suggest the same as Ilovetea. Take her shopping and let her pick out her own gift.

Eric Berne's Games People Play - The psychology of human relationships

archive.org/stream/TheGamesPeoplePlay/TheGamesPeoplePlay_djvu.txt

WHY DON'T YOU-YES BUT

Thesis. "Why Don't You — Yes But" occupies a special place in game analysis, because it was the original stimulus for the concept of games. It was the first game to be dissected out of its social context, and since it is the oldest subject of game analysis, it is one of the best understood. It is also the game most commonly played at parties and groups of all kinds, including psychotherapy groups.

The following example will serve to illustrate its main characteristics:

White: "My husband always insists on doing our own repairs, and he never builds anything right."

Black: "Why doesn't he take a course in carpentry?" White: "Yes, but he doesn't have time." Blue:

"Why don't you buy him some good tools'?" White: "Yes, but he doesn't know how to use them."

Red: "Why don't you have your building done by a carpenter?"

White: "Yes, but that would cost too much."

Brown: "Why don't you just accept what he does the way he does it"

White: "Yes, but the whole thing might fall down."

Such an exchange is typically followed by a silence. It is eventually broken by Green, who may say something like, "That's men for you, always trying to show how efficient they are."

YDYB can be played by any number. The agent presents a problem. The others start to present solutions, each beginning with "Why don't you . . . ?" To each of these White objects with a "Yes, but. ..."

A good player can stand off the others indefinitely until they all give up, whereupon White wins. In many situations she might have to handle a dozen or more solutions to engineer the crestfallen silence which signifies her victory.
___

(1) You can choose to play the trying to find an acceptable present game, but realise it's a game you may never win! Your father and sister have also never managed to please her, so I don't think the problem lies with you.

(2) You can choose to do something unexpected (jar of beetroot/goat) to throw off the game. She'll still complain, but you won't have exhausted yourself in the process and if you don't expect she'll like it, you've nothing to lose.

(3) Don't play the game at all. Don't buy her a thing. Just say you couldn't think of anything to get, but will pay her the cost of something she buys herself.

To be fair, clothes, jewellery and ornaments (the rose thing sounds utterly hideous to me though I guess some would like it) are very personal choices. I also wouldn't really want afternoon tea. Just give her vouchers.

Could ye just plan the party at your house and not tell her in advance? My dm would always complain about everything but if we turn up and say we are going to the beach and give her no choice just sweep her away in a wave of enthusiasm she will enjoy it. Or afternoon tea but no warning or asking her opinion. If she complains just remind her of good old fashioned manners where it's rude to complain. I definitely wouldn't ask her. Just surprise her. At least you will enjoy it. Keep the tone light and say now mom l can't believe you're not enjoying the lovely surprise we planned for you.
As a present is she into her garden? Don't ask her. Just buy her a nice climber or rose bush.

Get her the Cake Wrecks book. If she likes criticising cakes, it'll keep her amused...

Ask her directly what she wants.
If she won't tell you, tell her that you won't be choosing her present & will give her vouchers so that your money isn't wasted.

1. Accept that she will probably complain whatever you buy (it sounds like there is a fair amount of backstory to your relationship here anyway).
2. Buy her something that at least chimes with what she 'should' like. So if she is a gardening person buy her a lovely plant or planter; if she supports a particular charity make a donation in her name etc.. This way she will not be able to complain to all and sundry about what you did buy or that you bought nothing. (Just guessing this might be something that could happen otherwise).
3. Make a conscious decision to stop letting it affect you. Unfortunately we can't change how others behave, only how we react to them.
4. Come back here to rant if you need to! x

(Unsurprisingly) my mother does this. She also tells outrageous lies like "I don't care about presents, I'd rather just have a nice card" and then huffs endlessly when she just gets cards.

Last year she provided me with exactly the solution I needed; she told me that I was getting nothing for my birthday or Christmas from now on, because I'm over 40. So apparently people over 40 don't need presents or cards. She's 70 this year, and unless my education was totally wasted, I'd say that makes her definitely over 40, right?

In general, I hate this kind of game. It's attention seeking and controlling and I think that not giving a gift at all is an entirely reasonable response. (Unless your mother is actually really nice most of the time and only unreasonable about presents, in which case I might go with cash).

Get her a personalised apron and a Lakeland voucher.

If she loves banking maybe a gift which leans that way - www.cakecraftworld.co.uk/shop/867/

It was my DM's 60th recently and I arranged a family portrait (that is what she wanted), would that be something your DM would like? Maybe just the children in the family if she is going to be difficult about some of the adults.

Don't let it get you down, if you are really struggling just ask her what she would like and if she says nothing then just buy/make a nice card and be done with it.

*baking not banking

You might find something on etsy.com, although bare in mind it's a uS site, so you need to filter for sellers in the UK

But yes, I don't think its a "game" that you can win unfortunately! I would go for vouchers. Or a bug bunch of flowers or possibly a large plant or small tree for the garden

no, if she regifts vouchers, give her cash if she point blank refuses to give you ideas or come shopping with you.

Tell her you want her to think of something she does like. If she says "I'm easy to buy for" tell her quite clearly that she isn't, and ask her to name one gift she has got from you/your dad/your sister that she's liked.

People who focus on negatives but refuse to offer solutions are draining. Forcing them to deal with it themselves is the best way. Give her cash if she refuses to give you an idea with a note saying "I couldn't think of anything you might like, happy to come shopping with you to help you pick something out."

Out of interest, what she like at buying gifts for others? My family members who are convinced they are 'easy to buy for' are terrible gift givers, buying things the reciever would not like/completely unsuitable, or just give money.

Does she like pearls? A freshwater pearl bracelet or necklace needn't be too expensive and then she wouldn't have to worry about metal. Lido Pearls do some nice options (also they are occasionally on sale at John Lewis website)

What about a meal in the function room of a restaurant? Food done, feels celebratory. Most restaurants would work with you to create a savoury and veggie option and two puddings to choose from (a bit like a wedding) so it need not be ridiculously priced or everyone ordering everything etc. Put a few balloons up etc and make sure there's a good playlist on iPod for a bit of impromptu dancing afterwards.

You could always get caterers in for a party at hers, or M&S do a great party food service, including salads and sandwiches etc - you could get everything ordered from there so all you'd have to do is put a tablecloth on the table and set it out. (sandwiches are already on a presentable tray). No food prep required.

You could check out her handbag style and buy her something similar but an upgrade of it?

My mum is a bit like this. Fussy, wants something but she doesn't know what. It's just not THAT or THAT or THAT....

as my dear parents got older they got more and more difficult to buy for and funnily enough so have DH's parents. I used to go to great lengths to find something inspired and special for them to be met with ' oh thats nice' pit to one side, never mentioned again, or worse, 'what do I want that for' it got very disheartening. especially at xmas when I used to put together a small stocking for them with lots of little gifts that Mum once referred to as 'tat' she meant it nicely as in ' don't waste your money on a load of tat for me' but I was upset as I just wanted her to have lots of things to open when I couldn't be there with her. Dad I ended up just buying him a bottle every birthday / xmas, mum until she was too frail to go out loved going shopping so I would visit before each event and take her out then buy her something she had admired and get her lunch, after that it was a plant, usually an orchid as she loved them. dad was also happy going to the pub for lunch especially when my DS was old enough to take him in his wheelchair and buy him a pint. Neither of themare here now so its something I don't have to worry about now but DH's parents get something boring and simple as they are never grateful. tbh the best thing we found for his dad was the beer that comes in a small barrel he loved that! gets it every year now

My H is like this. I now realise (after many, many years of trying to get it right) that he has issues around presents that are nothing at all to do with me. He doesn't like any present that he is given, he will say polite thanks at the time of receiving and then a few months later berate me for the shitness of the present that I (or any of my family) have given him. The only exception to this are the presents given to him by his Mother (which generally really are shit), her presents to him have to be put in a special place and respected.

He is also weird about presents that he gives. He will randomly get nasty about my lack of gratitude for a particular present up to a decade after it's given. How I don't appreciate the thought, effort and expense that went into the buying of it, even about presents that I know he bought at an airport on the way home from a business trip.

Anyway, the realisation that I can never buy him something that he likes has been freeing. Now I just buy something at the appropriate price from a shop I happen to be in anyway for a Christmas present and ignore his birthday. When he complains I tell him that I knew he wouldn't like it when I bought it, it seems to shut him up.

Has she actually got any friends to invite to a party? She doesn't sound the type to have a gaggle of jolly mates.

How about organising a day out to the coast or some such but just tell her to keep the day free. Possibly get your siblings to join you if you have any. Tell her at the start that it's a fun day so no moaning, please ( with a twinkly smile if you can muster one). Either a naice picnic or a simple pub lunch. Walk on the beach ( maybe a place she has nice memories of) and a cup of tea and home by six for a glass of fizz and a slice of cake.

You could play Queen all the way there and back.

Good luck, she sounds a treat. Hopefully she has some redeeming qualities.

How about a really big flower arrangement? Something she can look at and appreciate?

Somehow I fear she'd say "plenty of flowers in the garden". Sigh.

As my husband would say, buy her a pair of slippers* and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

Yeah, I usually buy for MIL

*Or anything else suggested on this thread really!

I have to say she hasnt got many friends, but does have a large family.
She is going to be 70, and strangely enough likes beetroot.
I have just been shopping and thought I would, in the end get her a necklace as long as it was very long and didnt strangle her.
Thankfully rang to check with sister who said firmly NO! and has suggested earrings. but they have to be gold, thin hooped and not too heavy.
I gave up shopping for her and brought myself a dress in a sale instead.
Then came home and ate a nice cream cake. I feel much better now.
Will go out tomorrow morning and try to find these magical earrings that she will hate.
If i got her a goat, she would suggest that I find someone to chop it up so she could try and cook some sort of decent meal with the tough old thing.
I have brought many cake and baking items over the years and she did like most of them. But kitchen is full now and their is little she doesnt have.

My mums redeeming qualities is that she dotes on her grandchildren and us and is VERY loving to her son, my brother. whom she adores and tells me that she is hoping him and his girlfriend will look after her in her old age.
My brother has only just left home in the last year or so, at 45 yrs old. When he first got his girlfriend my mum was very pleased because he had found a woman who wouldnt mind cutting his toenails. My mum confessed to me that she was sick of this job, but had to do it as son couldnt reach his toes due to his 'funny' legs and back.

This was a surprise for me, because my brother has an active job and is quite slim and had no idea anything was wrong with his limbs or back.
I told my mum that i dont cut my sons toes now that they are adults and she s said that was ok as they didnt have my brothers problem. i still have no idea what she was on about.

There is a cake shop where I live that does decorating classes & specialised classes. Something like that perhaps? Sorry if already suggested, not read whole thread.

Honestly, ask her what she'd like. Tell her you have a slightly bigger budget as it's a special birthday and you don't want to waste your money and can she come up with anything she'd like. Don't try to guess, she's too difficult. If she can't think exactly what she'd like, then perhaps ask if she'd like to come shopping with you.