To be struggling with gender disappointment

[Apachepony]

Well, I know I am but I guess this is an anonymous forum for speaking emotions that are leaving me feeling very guilty about my newborn son. I posted here under a different name when I found out on my scan it would be my second son but I thought it would go on birth. He came a month early, but did really well, was v healthy for being premature and I was delighted with him. I rationalised the odds of getting an elder boy, younger girl (what my ideal would have been)were not that high and I was delighted with what I had. However my two good friends were due at the same time and they both now have had girls. They both have older boys. Now I seem to be fixated on this, kind of wishing that I had a girl and feeling guilty that I am pretty much wishing my son was a different baby. It's even affecting how I feel about my older boy who is a very boisterous 3 year old. I'm wondering how I will cope with 2 of those. I'm feeling bad that none of my friends have boys close to my second sons age. This is really affecting my newborn buzz and I do t know how to shake it. It's so ridiculous when he's healthy so far.

[CPtart]

I agree. IME it just seems so many men didn't get the experiences they wanted out of parenthood and quit. I love football and hate shopping for example, so have had so much enjoyment watching my DS play competitive sport. I do have female friends however who have pitied me for not having a girl to braid hair. "You miss out on all of this" one said. Which was pretty rude and condescending with hindsight.

[fusionconfusion]

"usion

Does your DS see your DH caring for you? That's how you address this
Add message | Report | Message poster NotYoda Thu 28-Jul-16 13:53:42
..and not only that, does your DH care for your sons, massage their feet?

Does your DH clean, tidy and shop?

That's how you address it, too"

Well, no, not really how I address it, given that I am not the ruler of the universe and can't control other adult's behaviour.

[fusionconfusion]

As it is, my dh is pretty okay in terms of showing these qualities but it pisses me right off when women are always the ones who need to address the massively fucked up social narrative around gender.

It isn't an option to play games with nurturance of kids - you can't do a "laundry strike" equivalent on only "half" being a warm and sensitive parent to the best of your ability in order to make a man do better.

The whole point is that I can't undo the reality of an unequal society by my actions. I can't even partially do it really. That's the whole reason these inequalities are systemic. There are plenty of incredible women parenting absolutely fabulously around the world including really phenomenal single parents and guess what, it ain't addressing anything.

[NotYoda]

fusion

I se what you mean

I chose someone who does do those things. I can see it's body frustrating if yours does not

[NotYoda]

bloody

[NotYoda]

BTW, when I said "you" I meant "society".

[Loafingaround]

I think a lot of the problem is the real obsession with having "one of each". I have a DS and have recently had my DD, am very happy with this but am amazed at when people find out I had a boy, now a girl, how excited they are by this and come out with this saying. by so many its openly seen as the ideal - when kids are so much more than their sex/gender. Agree with others that when I see 2 brothers or 2 sisters playing happily together do also get a pang as even though want a third DC, either my DD wont have a sister or DS wont have a brother, and do feel this is a very special relationship to have. OP all I can suggest is allowing yourself to wallow in these feelings for a bit, don't pressurise it or scold yourself, just take delight in your beautiful baby (as you know how quickly this stage passes!!) and if it continues then talk to someone. Just think of being an older woman and having two doting, strapping lads there who will be by your side, sons are fab.

[NotYoda]

fusion

Also, what I'm getting at is that all parents can do together is to raise their boys to be good men and better parents themselves. I see your anger but I don't think it's a lost cause

[Loulou2kent]

I feel really sad for you OP, but I'm sure a lot of women & men probably can relate! When I found out about ds2 I was a little disappointed tbh & I felt horrible for feeling that way. However... I can see now that ds2 will be best friends with ds1 & I love they both have each other I'm so close to my sister. My brother not so much. We're still close but obviously there's things me & my sister have in common more. Don't feel guilty. Just enjoy your little one. My two look similar but are so different. They make me laugh xx don't be hard on yourself! Did you find out or leave it as a surprise? X

[fusionconfusion]

"I chose someone who does do those things. I can see it's body frustrating if yours does not"

No one who has not yet reproduced really "chooses" someone who does do these things ahead of reproducing, human attractions and relationships are far more complex and influenced by far more contexts than someone's "choice" about what things a prosepective partner will do when they become a parent. We all lie to ourselves and eachother.

As I said, he's alright... he's actually stunning given his background (farming = the patriarchy in action)

And the reality is, it's not "you" as in society, it's...men. And actually unless men make the change women can do what they will and fuck all will change systemically because that's how learning transmits through generations.

I don't think it's a lost cause, I just think it's outside my circle of influence in many ways. Which is not to say I don't try to speak out, educate, be conscious of my choices and how I communicate with my sons and with everyone.. but there is a STRONG narrative in the wider culture that WILL impact on how my boys view gender, whether or not they choose to endorse it ultimately. Every SINGLE time someone treats them "like a boy" it will reinforce that. Every SINGLE time someone treats a girl "like a girl" in front of them it will influence that. Fuck all I can do to erase those learned implicit definitions and relationships though I hope to weaken their power. And I wish it weren't so.

[Apachepony]

It does make it difficult that there is an expectation that everyone wants "one of each" or wants a girl. Almost like I'm pitied for having a second boy. Of course the expectation is true I my case.

[thecatsarecrazy]

I have 2 boys, I didn't find out sex either time. I fell in love with my first son straight away, not going to lie when I had a second ds it was a harder birth, long painful labour, I was slightly disappointed he wasn't a she and found bonding with him more difficult. Now they are 9 and 7, my 7 year old can be a handful but seeing them play together and have similar interests really warms me. My brother took them to the park today and whatsapped me a picture saying "bros" and they were holding hands. A sweet moment between them. I only have my brother and I was jealous of my cousins for being sisters. I love my brother but we had no shared interests.

[Apachepony]

Hi all, still struggling. Re-reading your messages for words of wisdom. Part of me is almost wishing I had PND because the alternative is just that I'm an awful mother. My first maternity leave was the best time of my life, I had bonded strongly with my ds from when I had found out his gender at 16 weeks gestation (his health and life was in threat at the time), and when he turned 3 I thought it was the best age yet. But I struggled to bond with DS2, and when I found out he was a boy, it seemed to start affecting my view of ds1. Right now I'm taking little joy in DS1 and I feel awful. I can find him so irritating. Sure I was into barbies and my little pony as a child, but I was also into dinosaurs and drawing and so is DS1 but I can't muster any enthusiasm. My lovely soft DS2 is in my arms but I haven't fallen for him with that head over heels emotion that I had for DS1 and part of me keeps on thinking ah, I wish I had a girl! I could only say these things anonymously. Finding it hard to muster up enthusiasm for anything. Maybe it's because I'm tired and it will come back? DS2 is a bit refluxy and won't be put down at night, he will only sleep on me. Usually if I'm feeling low like this I would try to go for a run, but I can't do that now.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Apache
I really don't know what to say other than it sounds like you are really tired and overwhelmed and things will get better.

[Doggity]

It sounds like you're feeling really low and while you say it's not PND, I do wonder if you might be more depressed than you realise. The jump from one child to two can be incredibly difficult for some people. Do you have any real life support?

for you. I might be barking up the wrong tree but I don't think this is just about gender disappointment.

[StormyTeaCup]

Sorry you feel like this. I agree with pp who have mentioned PND. I think you should speak to your HV or GP.

In terms of having no friends with babies at the same age, can't you join some groups?

[StormyTeaCup]

If not PND then could just be the whole overwhelming exhaustion and the huge change. For the first few weeks of my son's life I thought 'oh my god, what have i done!?'

[FallenStar3]

My baby boy has problems with his spine, he might have problems with his organs ,we have yet to have the scan to see we are in a state of limbo. Its not easy and we have uncertainly for what the future holds.

I think you should count your lucky stars you do have a healthy boy, i mean it to give abit of kick up the bum and appreciate the little bouncing boy who is here, appreciate him, love they grow up so fast.

[StormyTeaCup]

fallen

[FallenStar3]

Thankyou stormy

[FallenStar3]

Hopefully it won't affect his organs fingers crossed it just on what the X-ray shows to see if further scans are needed for him. He's otherwise doing ok, he just got his adapted chair so he seems so much more comfortable and happy.

[Apachepony]

Fallen, I'm sorry to hear about your son and hope all goes well with the scan.

[IPityThePontipines]

Fragile, while I'm sorry about your little boy, she doesn't need a "kick up the bum" if she's struggling with PND. What help would that be? It's not mind over matter.

OP, I had a terrible birth with Dd2 and I really, really struggled with going from 1 to 2, gosh I struggled. Please speak to your HV/GP and most importantly, be kind to yourself.