To be struggling with gender disappointment

[Apachepony]

Well, I know I am but I guess this is an anonymous forum for speaking emotions that are leaving me feeling very guilty about my newborn son. I posted here under a different name when I found out on my scan it would be my second son but I thought it would go on birth. He came a month early, but did really well, was v healthy for being premature and I was delighted with him. I rationalised the odds of getting an elder boy, younger girl (what my ideal would have been)were not that high and I was delighted with what I had. However my two good friends were due at the same time and they both now have had girls. They both have older boys. Now I seem to be fixated on this, kind of wishing that I had a girl and feeling guilty that I am pretty much wishing my son was a different baby. It's even affecting how I feel about my older boy who is a very boisterous 3 year old. I'm wondering how I will cope with 2 of those. I'm feeling bad that none of my friends have boys close to my second sons age. This is really affecting my newborn buzz and I do t know how to shake it. It's so ridiculous when he's healthy so far.

[splendide]

I think it's really hard to see beyond your own pain sometimes. When I was in the darkest days of PND I used to genuinely think people who were infertile were lucky and wished I had been unable to get pregnant. I know that sounds insane but it was an honestly held and very intense belief.

[MLGs]

What everyone else has said re your feels are valid and also that you will have 3 and 6 yos not two ages 3.

Two of the same sex can be brilliant because they are perhaps more likely to be each other's best mate, play together etc. And in lots of cases remain closer in adult life. Not always but it seems more common.

Obviously they sre all just their own personality though and not just a sex or gender. He will be his own person and you adore that person.

[2nds]

2 kids aren't usually the same, my eldest can be like a little mouse most of the time and my youngest is the crazy boisterous one.

BTW girls can be just as crazy as boys.

[MimsyPimsy]

I have a DS then a DD. When my DD was little, my friend gave her a lovely fairy doll that you squeeze and she makes a fairy noise. I've cherished that doll over the years - my DD's 15 now, and a real tomboy, and she absolutely always hated it. But at the time, I told my friend DD really loved that doll.

Anyway, my friend had her child a few years later, and she was really disappointed it was a boy. She said she'd been really looking forward to buying dresses, playing with "girly things" etc. I think she had a really unrealistic idea about what girls are like! It took her a while to get round to the idea of having a boy, but she did, and I'm sure you will too, and hopefully you'll smile about it later.

[NotYoda]

Frazzle

You have the right to post in whatever way you see fit. You are as entitled to your feelings as people are keen to say the OP is entitled to hers

[EllenJanethickerknickers]

A different positive. My youngest DC was born in midsummer and all my friends had their second babies in early autumn, so a different school year. I was sad that they wouldn't be close friends through school. BUT, I have made so many close friends from the parents of children in his school year! They have become my best friends and despite my DS going to a different secondary to most of them, my friendships have endured.

What I'm trying to say is don't worry if your current friends have had girls, life is long and you will make many more friends, some of whom will have DSs your DS2's age for him to be friends with. And DS's best friend up until juniors was a girl anyway!

[dayswithaY]

Been there, totally understand. I remember lying flat on my back in pain, minutes after having a forceps delivery thinking maybe I had misheard or they had made a mistake when they told me "it's a boy". He was my second son and I had been hoping for a girl. I am ashamed of how I felt now. He is a beautiful, affectionate, charismatic, intelligent and fun child as is my eldest boy. I cannot imagine how life would be if I didn't have the chance to love them and enjoy them. But my feelings that day were real, and so are yours. It is more common than you think and in time, as you get to know your son these feelings will fade and you will come through the other side. Two years later I gave birth to my much wanted daughter. I love her with every fibre of my being but she has been an almighty challenge. Stubborn, headstrong, rude, angry and the opposite to my sweet natured boys. Such is life, I wouldn't change a thing. Hug your boys close and everything will be ok.

[LittleMoonbuggy]

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. We can't help how we feel, you're just being honest about it. I have had MCs before but am very fortunate to have 2 healthy DCs now so have no cause for saying anything negative. This is about you anyway, not anyone else.

Hopefully other people's anecdotes about the close relationships between their DSs will make you feel better. My DH is 3 years older than his DB and they have always been very close, had similar interests, were best man at each other's weddings etc.

[CurlyMoo]

All that matters is that she has a healthy baby.

When you have a child that is born with a life long condition, it actually starts to grate to hear this. I know there is no malice intended when people say this, but for those of us who do have children who are not born "healthy" it is almost like saying that they don't matter.

[hazeimcgee]

Hugs CurlyMoo, i postee similar earlier in. I try and pretend it doesn't bother me but actually - sitting here staring at my perfect yet never healthy child, who was born ill and will always be not healthy - it does grate

[FrazzleRock]

I'm sorry. What I meant when I said "healthy" was "alive" I guess.
I'm going to stop now though because I'm digging a deeper hole for myself and I was already trapped in a deep hole before I even posted here and it's pretty shit here!

I think I've learnt my lesson not to post on threads which upset me further.

Sorry to anyone I have offended. It was not in anyway intentional.

[hazeimcgee]

Frazzle sending you

[allthemadmen]

Op, i can totally sympathise.
I think its cruel how people are jumped on for daring they wanted a girl or a boy people have their own personal reasons for this.
I lost my mother, I have brothers, a father, a husband a fil etc I wanted more women, girls in my life.

However I would say girls can be just as boisterous as boys, and boys can be quiet.

So if you had a boy like that chances are your girl would be lively too because it genes and personality.

[CurlyMoo]

Frazzle I wasn't aiming that at you in particular, I know that people don't mean anything bad by it but I'm just making the point that "I don't mind what I'm having, as long as it's healthy" can feel like a bit of a stab to those of us who don't have healthy children, in the same way that those perhaps who have gender disappointment can be very hurtful for those who have infertility issues/suffered losses. There are lots of feelings at play here, none of us want to feel the way we do but I suppose we just have to acknowledge each other's feelings without projecting our own.

all around.

[allthemadmen]

Op while baby is young if you want to go all girly on him why not...

[SoozeyHoozey]

I have an elder boy and a younger girl... But with a ten year age gap... And different fathers... Certainly not ideal!

[Apachepony]

It is good to read your messages. o understand how this seems so ungrateful to those who have had losses (I have had 3 myself but 2 were v early). I hope these feelings will go away - I don't want to always be yearning for the girl that never was, although I note some of you who have all boys do feel a tinge of wistfulness. Are 6 year old boys less boisterous than 3 year olds? I thought they stayed the same! Still newborn and 3 are darling ages in their own way - so cute for one, so funny the other - I don't want to be wasting it with these thoughts.

[Farmmummy]

Maybe it would make it easier if you focus on the delight you felt when he was born and living and healthy, then on him and his personality as it emerges rather than him being another boy. Each living DS is and an individual rather than simply Ds1 and DS2

[Farmmummy]

Btw reading that back I don't mean that at all harshly, I have 2 DDs and lost twins one of each, my dd 2is a completely different kettle of fish to dd1 (she's only little but rules the roost!)

[Lilacpink40]

Your DS2 is still so new, they'll be a point when you'll see more of his characteristics and you'll get the stronger bond that you have with DS1. I think this happens regardless of gender.

Have you tried playing 'devil's advocate' and when you watch him feed or sleep (i.e. when he's content) imagine you were seriously offered the chance to give him up?

Hopefully protective feelings kick in and you feel pride for your boy. If you don't, it would be good to get more support as DCs are tiring enough without seriously negative feelings.

Being honest is better than bottling this up, but I hope that as time passes the feeling lessens.

[Haudyerwheesht]

Dc2 was born when ds was 3. I wanted another boy in an ideal world but we got Dd. It took a while for me to feel like she was really mine - partly PND and partly I think because I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with her. Now I can see how ridiculous that was and I wouldn't swap a single thing apart from the stubbornness .

So basically you got my ideal and I got yours but I wouldn't go back and swap. You'll get used to it you just need time to adjust your expectations I think. Little boys are boisterous but then tbh Dd is much more so than ds was! Kids are adorable regardless of gender and you know that, try not to analyse your feelings and thinking about what you 'should' be feeling and just be. Things will work out.

[amprev]

I have two dd's, 3 years apart, and they couldn't be more different in character, to the point that I sometimes feel like I do have one of each. I remember feeling relied when we discovered the gender of dd2 because I assumed it would be familiar territory but the reality was that she was unlike dd1 in every way. I honestly think that the gender issue is stronger when they are newborn because you've yet to discover what their character is. Just because you have 2 sons does not mean that you will have the same experiences with each. Hope you are soon feeling more positive and less guilt-laden.

[Florrieboo]

I get you, well I was you in a way and then it all changed. I have two boys and then the 3rd was on the way when the older boy was 3 and the younger one was 2. Scans said baby was a boy. I was outwardly thrilled but, dying inside. It is impossible to explain to someone who has not felt it. Turns out my scans were wrong and our daughter arrived out in a big hurry and hasn't slowed down or stopped rushing in the last 4 years.

My two boys are like chalk and cheese, the only thing they have in common is that they are brothers - they are not friends in any way, they are 7 and 8 now and barely get on. So people saying that having two the same is better in that regard don't know my sons.

However my daughter is very boisterous and strong and loves wrestling and trains and cars so the only real difference between her as she is and her if she had been a boy is that society says it's okay to put dresses on her.

I hope you start to feel better, I really did believe that it would get easier once the baby was born, was a real person and not just a "boy" if that makes sense.

[ronjo]

I have two daughters and when my wife was pregnant the second time I really wanted a second girl, not for me but for them.

I am not trying to say sisters and brothers cant be close of course.