To be struggling with gender disappointment

[Apachepony]

Well, I know I am but I guess this is an anonymous forum for speaking emotions that are leaving me feeling very guilty about my newborn son. I posted here under a different name when I found out on my scan it would be my second son but I thought it would go on birth. He came a month early, but did really well, was v healthy for being premature and I was delighted with him. I rationalised the odds of getting an elder boy, younger girl (what my ideal would have been)were not that high and I was delighted with what I had. However my two good friends were due at the same time and they both now have had girls. They both have older boys. Now I seem to be fixated on this, kind of wishing that I had a girl and feeling guilty that I am pretty much wishing my son was a different baby. It's even affecting how I feel about my older boy who is a very boisterous 3 year old. I'm wondering how I will cope with 2 of those. I'm feeling bad that none of my friends have boys close to my second sons age. This is really affecting my newborn buzz and I do t know how to shake it. It's so ridiculous when he's healthy so far.

Just thinking that whilst one of each might be what parents and others might think of as perfect, two of the same can sometimes be even better for the siblings themselves? That counts for a lot too?

I understand how you feel. YANBU, it's how you feel. People who say you should just be grateful are judging from their view, just as you are judging from yours. You can't feel what they feel and have your current gender disappointment feelings erased like that just because you should be grateful. Your reality is your reality, not theirs. Better to work through them and/or find other people who understand. If nobody else in real life then visit at the site InGender.

I don't think it's the start of PND, I think the two (PND and GD) are totally separate. Of course they could happen at the same time but I don't think gender disappointment IS PND or vice versa.

Time softens the feelings in a lot of situations. As the baby gets bigger and develops his own personality, it won't be quite so harsh as it feels now. Whites and creams (gender neutral clothing & bedding) might also help you bond with him as a baby, not just "another boy". Don't feel guilty. It doesn't help you, it doesn't help anyone. What will help is working your way through it healthily. Writing your feelings down can also help. All the best x

Don't be hard on yourself - it's very real feeling for lots of women - have you had a read round it to see if there are things you can do to help you get your head around it?

Rocket Love your post, and me too. Not at all how I 'imagined' my son to be, but actually his ASD has made me a better person. I was always one to worry about what other people think, had serious low self-esteem - my little guy turned me into someone who now refuses to give a crap when other people judge him/me when we have our 'weird' (to the rest of the world) public meltdowns. He has massively improved my confidence when meeting strangers. Regardless of gender, disability etc, I like to think that all our kids help to make us better people.

I think it is normal. A lot of people feel this, even if it is only fleeting. It probably feels worse as you have had all the fluster of the premature thing going on and are now settling into normality. I would talk to the HV/doc to see if there is any PND thing going on.

We probably put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make the 'perfect' family as we only have a small number of children, but it is something we have no control over. I remember my grandmother asking what I wanted and I replied that "it's like Christmas, you get what you are given and like it". ( I remember her giving me a very look - it probably reflected badly on my Mum's Christmasses in hindsight .)

TBH, a houseful of boys is not the top of everyone's list, but when you meet people who do have several boys they are usually pretty happy about it .

Congratulations on your baby!

YANBU. I think as you get to know your son your feelings of disappointment will fade even if your longing for a girl never goes away.

I think that having 2 of the same gender is better than one of each.

They are likely to be closer, have similar interests (and can share clothes!).

I am really pleased to have a sister.

Can you try and look at it in those terms?

Thank you everyone for being kind. Too many responses to reply to each individually (also I'm too exhausted - he has nights and days mixed up)but I will sniff my baby's head to feel better! Also being out and about and people cooing over him helps too. I don't think I have PND, I do like the newborn stage (except the exhaustion), bf is going well, better start than last time...I don't know, I guess I thought at least one of my friends would have a boy too. I need to get back to admiring my little baby for who he is (what makes me feel worse for him is that dh says he hasn't really bonded yet with him). My ds' rowdy attention seeking behaviour has increased so it's true I should bare this in mind and that it can be harder to be patient when tired. He had been so incredibly sweet to the baby though.

Has not had in that last line. Hopefully they will be great friends in the future, I do think generally same sex siblings tend to be closer. We won't be having another child, I only ever wanted 2 and if I went for another, deep down it would just be for the chance of a girl, which is the wrong reason.

Please don't take to heart the unhelpful comments.

Your pain is your pain and the fact that people feel the need to come on and point out that their pain is greater or more reasonable pisses me off.

Take on board some of the positive suggestions and points of view here. I really hope you feel better soon.

I have 3 young sons and I adore it. They are each their very own person, all such different characters and they compliment each other nicely. They are young, they are close in age and I wouldn't change it for the world. It took some getting used to when I was told ds3 was a boy but he's yummy and couldn't imagine my life without him.

But I would love a daughter. If I had 3 daughters, I'd want a son. It isn't about one being better than the other, it's about experiencing both.

We want 4 children and I'm dreading people assuming we'll have a 4th because we want a girl. We want a 4th because we want 4 children.

It sounds like you've had a difficult time but as he develops and becomes his own little self you will probably forget you felt like that. I have 3 brothers myself and one is getting married soon - he is having the other 2 as best men. That fills my heart with joy that one day that will be my boys. Think of it like that, they have a little best friend.

Sorry I've made this way too long! Congratulations on your baby boy, who will fill your lives with total joy

I have two dds. When dd2 was born, my older daughter, then 2, seemed so boistrous in comparison, juggling a toddler and newborn is tricky whatever their sex, so don't assume that those feelings are because you have boys. I was pleased to have two girls, I imagined that being the same sex would mean they had more in common. I think to some degree that is true, although personality probably plays a far larger part than sex. At the time I thought I would try for a third, but decided not too, and it wasn't until I'd really given up all thoughts of another that I felt sad at not having ever had a boy. Watching my friends' beautiful sons loafing about, hair flopping over their eyes, I did and still do sometimes, feel a little pang. But it is a pang for an imaginary life. I love my funny, interesting, kind girls to distraction. And you will feel that about your lovely new baby too. Give yourself time to adjust, and try and separate what is the small sadness of not having had a daughter yet, from the process of adjusting to a new baby and the relationship between your two children. It takes time to build a relationship, and the shift from one to two is difficult as it involves so much juggling and the guilt that you aren't giving either your full attention. It is different from having your first baby. Oh and congratulations!

Just because he's a boy, it does not mean that he will conform to gender stereotypes

Just because your other boy is boisterous, does not mean he'll always be boisterous. Remember he's still very young, and has a new sibling to contend with and lots of mixed up emotions, as do you.

Just because a girl is a girl, it does not mean she'll be closer to you, like the things you like, get married, have babies, go enjoy shopping or any other number of stereotypes

I have two boys and they are very different to each other. They are as unalike as any two children could be, regardless of gender, but they get on really well. One day you'll look at your strapping teenagers and feel very proud.

I agree that this could be PND, or just tiredness and the blues affecting you and attaching itself to this issue. I found the first months really hard with a toddler and a baby. It gets better

I have 3 boys (well 2 and a DSS) and always wanted a girl. I do still sometimes grieve for the grown up daughter who may have one day been my friend.

Having said that I see so many threads about people being NC with their mums or MILs I know that my mission in life is to remain lovely and try to be the MIL my DILs will want me to be - even if that means buying future grandchildren crop tops and leggings rather than summer dresses.

The initial disappointment does pass but as I said I still have moments of thinking about what might have been (especially when clearing a path through football boots and rugby boots - and yes I know my imaginary daughter might have played those sports too!)

If you're really feeling that bad come and have a read over on the infertility threads.

icy121 Yes. That and the miscarriage threads. I hid all the pregnancy/new parent threads so I could avoid threads like this

Aworldofmyown regarding your comment the fact that people feel the need to come on and point out that their pain is greater or more reasonable pisses me off. The OP has posted in AIBU. If she had posted in a new parent topic or somesuch, then perhaps she wouldn't have encountered people grieving for the children they have lost, or the children they may never have.
Just my opinion though.

On my second and third pregnancies I was really hoping for another girl. I had one daughter already and as I have a sister that I love, I really wanted that for my daughter too. Also, I had a really hard time with my own brother who is a an evil bastard so that left me a bit wary of boys to be honest.
Both times I was quite disappointed when the scans showed boys. In fact, last time it took 3 scans to convince me and even then I didn't give away my baby girl clothes until after he was born... just n case. 4 years later I have to say my daughter is special but I love and adore my boys just as much. Also, they are far more cuddly and affectionate than DD ever was. She was fiercely independant from the get go. The boys are great buddies now.

Frazzle I'm sorry you're upset but if, as you say, this kind of thread upsets you, why click on it when the OP made the subject matter very clear in the title? Are you feeding your own upset or just wanting to have a go at the OP? Her feelings are valid for her so I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve. Believe me, she'll have already beaten herself up far more thoroughly than you can imagine.

I meant my post to be more sympathetic than it sounds Frazzle. It's really hard to convey tone sometimes

I have 2 boys with a similar gap to you. They are currently 6 and 3. I too cried after my 20w scan that he was a boy. I was sure he was a girl and like someone else said, I was grieving for the little girl I would never had (only having 2kids) and I think that is perfectly allowed.
I love him to absolute bits, they are both different and the same if you know what I mean and they drive me so nutty, but I cannot see myself without 2 boys now.
I still grieve for not having a daughter, I'll never been "mother of the bride" etc and I just hope they have lovely partners one day who love their mother in law (lolz), but I know there is no guarantee that I'd have a fab relationship with a daughter, so I just have to accept and love what I do have.

YANBU. I had 3 boys close together, then a girl. Was initially disappointed at having a thid boy but it did get better. Fourth baby wasn't planned and I purposefully didn't find out what I was having. It wasn't so much having 3 boys more the thought of not having a daughter that was upsetting.

Very true Herel. My dd after three ds's is a tomboy. After 3 boys I was looking forward to watching some ballet but it wasn't to be, I am still on sidelines cheering her on on the football pitch !

GertrudeSmellsDivine I already said in my previous response that I had felt the same as her before I'd suffered miscarriages. I wanted the OP to know that.
But I also wanted her to know that losing a child makes you realise how unimportant the sex of a baby is. All that matters is that she has a healthy baby. Something that so many people will never have.

Maybe I have misunderstood the point of AIBU.
I'm sure I'd have been a lot more sympathetic pre miscarriages.
I guess its all relative, and you're right, I'm in the darkest place possible right now so I should not have clicked on this.

and thank you for your second post Gertrude I appreciate it